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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I cannot believe his latest trick!!!

80 replies

norksinmywaistband · 10/02/2010 11:10

Omfg - I am so

StbExH, has really surpassed himself this time.
Just recieved a letter form his solicitor asking for a stay of proceedings due to his mental state

Apparantly he is too emotional to sign a couple of forms to complete the divorce , but is capable of still holding down a full time job, having our DC for weekends, playing football and generally managing as well as anyone else.

sorry just needed to rant

OP posts:
MitsubishiWarrioress · 11/02/2010 12:02

Jeez Norks, I am so so sorry. I have no advice but am really thinking of you and wishing you all the very best.

Janos · 11/02/2010 12:58

I've just read through this.

What a bastard

You've already had excellent practical advice on here. I have nothing helpful to add, but if you need to hear someone else saying don't let this man anywhere near your kids, you have it!

How awful you have to deal with this. Wishing you strength.

Quintessential12belowZero · 11/02/2010 18:38

Norks, have you seen this?

man speeds into river with his son and daughter after arguing with wife

I know it is not you, the ages of the children dont match, but please dont put anything past your husband....

maristella · 11/02/2010 19:23

how are you norks?

Original poster
norksinmywaistband · 11/02/2010 19:27

Hi guys,
An update, I have spoken to my solicitor who is faxing his solicitor to say unsupervised contact is suspended until a mental health assessment has taken place.
Supervised contact can continue but not til next week.
I am waiting at the moment for the police to come and take a statement from me.
All my friends and family have been great and supportive.

Thanks for all your suport over the last 24hrs. I am sure I will continue to need it as I am sure he is not going to slink off into the background

OP posts:
FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 11/02/2010 19:32

Oh love.

I would be tempted to keep the children at home tomorrow unless the school will guarantee not to let them go home with anyone else.

Do not let him have access to the children.

Get the locks changed.

Write down everything he has said and done for when the police come.

Is there anyone who can be with you?

How old are the children?

GypsyMoth · 11/02/2010 19:33

How will you get a mental health asessment? They are usually court ordered and expensive, unless legal aid. and he will have to agree to one. Solicitors tend to miss these bits out!
Hope the police dont leave you waiting around too long!!

Original poster
norksinmywaistband · 11/02/2010 19:43

No idea about the assessment, but if he wants the DC unsupervised he will need one.

OP posts:
Original poster
norksinmywaistband · 11/02/2010 19:44

The DC are nearly 4 and just turned 5

OP posts:
maristella · 11/02/2010 19:50

well done!!
could your solicitor write to the school? they could explain that without the assessment he will not be having unsup access, therefore they should not release the children into his 'care'.

AnyFucker · 11/02/2010 20:11

what an utter nightmare, norks

his behaviour is just escalating and escalating.

keep the kids off school tomorrow until you are sure everything is in place, are you on half term next week ?

change the locks...you have enough evidence to prove this is a necessary move

get him away and keep him away

GypsyMoth · 11/02/2010 20:13

if he has PR then solicitor needs to advise because school would be acting unlawfully if they prevented him taking them. its not as simple as telling the school he cant take them....it needs to be legal

Original poster
norksinmywaistband · 11/02/2010 20:15

Just had a phonecall from the police, now not coming round til tomorrow as they feel there is no immediate threat to saftey, as he is not aware of any action being taken from his threat

OP posts:
CarGirl · 11/02/2010 20:22

all you can do is make the school aware of the situation and insist that they call you if he turns up at school, if he does 999 the police. Nightmare.

Hunibee · 11/02/2010 20:27

I really feel for you - what a sorry mess he is creating for you and your little ones.

I think he knows what he is doing, but what he may not realise is that he has entered 'big boy's games' territory and something which he would ordinarily have said to get to you, now has HUGE repercussions for him.

His controlling behaviour was previosuly contained within your relationship and you had to bear the brunt of it yourself. Now it is truly out in the open, he'll find out what other people actually think of what he's been doing to you.

Thank goodness you have good support around you. You deserve better than this. Hang on in there.

Original poster
norksinmywaistband · 11/02/2010 20:32

Also I spoke to school and preschool today - they as you have said can not prevent him taking the DC but Have agreed to use delaying tactics( ok with you in a minute just getting them changed from PE/ going to the toilet etc) and ring me immediately if he does turn up to "collect" them.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 11/02/2010 20:42

That is good of the schools they are in a difficult position, it should all be sorted by after half term so he can't collect them from school.

Lemonylemon · 12/02/2010 10:16

Norks, I posted on your other thread AGES ago and I'm so shocked at the escalation in such a short time.

I did read the paper this morning after reading this thread yesterday and "that" news article did make me quite worries. Glad that it wasn't anything to do with you, but so sorry for the family it's happening to.

I'm very glad that you've had so much support and good advice on this thread and that your solicitor (and the school) are doing all they can to help.

Keep strong.

hobbgoblin · 12/02/2010 13:33

I found that with my abusive and emotionally controlling/manipulating exp that the threat was just a threat but the problem is that when the threat fails to achieve the desired outcome for the controlling person they are compelled to up their game. This is when it becomes dangerous.

Some abusers will give up when their manipulations cease to be effective but others don't. It is too risky to see which type of person your H is and so all you can do is work on the basis that he could go all the way with his threats.

A manipulative person whose tactics are failing is a loose cannon and should be treated as such I am afraid.

Best wishes.

Original poster
norksinmywaistband · 12/02/2010 19:56

Ok so it's nearly 8pm.
The DC are in bed, the police came earlier today, but as it is an interpretation of words, they will lod it as an incident and to expect a call from the DV unit tomorrow. The Pc who took the info said he would speak to his sgt as to whether he felt it needed reporting to SS as well at this, as DC did not witness anything.
He has as far as I am aware received the info re supervised contact ( my sol faxed his this am) and I text him at 3pm to request if he hadn't heard from his sol to make contact before 5pm.

It is all quiet here, have not heard back from him

Friend round in 10 mins to keep me company til bedtime as I feel if he is going to ring/text/ visit at all. he will ensure the DC are in bed.

Not looking fwd to Wed, which should be first contact

OP posts:
HellBent · 12/02/2010 21:02

Good luck for Wednesday, I can't believe they aren't taking it more seriously as it could be misinterpreted!

groundhogs · 12/02/2010 21:05

glad you are all safe and well, i've been thinking of you these past couple of days, stay strong!

Schoolgirl · 12/02/2010 21:24

Norks - don't be scared of the referral to SS - it's standard procedure when you make a dv report to the police. In fact, if you explain to the social worker when/if they arrange to speak to you that you've suspended contact due to the disclosure of mental health issues and threats, you may find they support you. Their support will be invaluable if you have to go to court to seek orders preventing him from removing the children - keep your solicitor informed of the social worker's involvement so they can advise you on possible court applications and get supporting evidence from ss if they can. Hope your weekend goes well - do call the police if H turns up, won't you?

heQet · 12/02/2010 21:26

hope you are ok norks. has he made contact?

Hopefully this will be a wake up call for him, if he was just being a nasty twat. He will hopefully realise that he could get himself into a mess carrying on like he is.

Hunibee · 12/02/2010 21:39

Norks, you are so much further along the road tonight, but it must have taken it out of you. Unknown territory and having to deal with 'officialdom' can't have been easy.

You have a firm hold of the reins now - you decide what happens with your DCs and he will now be aware that you are no pushover, nor are you weakened by his pathetic attempts to scare you.

Weds is a good few days away and things may change a little before then. Like you had to before, just take things slowly, don't be rushed into anything. By Weds, you may be in a better position to deal with contact - I mean emotionally and the fact that you will have the formal support of the other agencies. They are there to help you.

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