The almost interesting saga of the almost-OM update

[HesterPrynne]

Sorry, I had hoped to come back before the original thread disappeared off the first page, but then... nada.

As you may remember I had emailed a local counsellor, but H persuaded me not to make an appointment, but to save, money and neuroses, for Relate, which he absolutely promised to arrange.

So far nothing's happened... "I've been too busy, will do it tomorrow." "They're not answering the phone/email" "They said I had to confirm the date (poss this Wed) with you, now they're not answering again," are a selection of the excuses I have been given.

Now even asking about it causes snappiness and sulks.

I'm really tempted to say, if we're not in a conversation with a third party by Wednesday night, then that's it - you'll have confirmed our marriage is not your priority.

Can't decide if that's a fair ultimatum or not.

Still trying hard to keep almost-OM at more than arms length, but its so difficult when things are so tense at home.

And although I haven't come completely clean, I have told H that my vows are under considerable strain, but my intention is to make our marriage work if he'll work with me. No real sign of that yet, though

I missed my MN fix last night. Probably a sign I should cut down, but as I seem to be living a very reductionist life at the moment, I don't think I will

I think there is an element of being too scared to be romantic, I don't think it comes naturally. My first ever birthday present was a toothbrush!

You are helping me more than you could realise Bobbie, I've lived this half life for so long, without anyone to talk to. My friends, and they are getting fewer and fewer, are joint friends, and obviously my family know him well, it's always felt like a betrayal of H to talk to them. So by and large I've kept it to myself until AOM and you came along. Sorry to bracket you with my failing!

Oh yes, I do look back often and think Why did I accept that?

But then I start to move into why did I marry him territory and that's just scary - 20 years of my life on a mistake? Far too explosive to even think about.

With the toothbrush, I actually thought it was a joke, so responded quite well, and by the time it was clear that was actually THE present well I suppose I assumed I could train him, and to a certain extent I have. Now if I could persuade him that just because he really wants something, that it makes a good pressie for me! Our house is littered with things bought for me and used almost solely by him

Oh and on the AOM front, I sort of guessed that your understanding and empathy was based on more than just an instinctive knowledge of our common love of Russian literature .

I thought as much

There is a reason why I'm reading Tolstoy. Flaubert next on the list...

I think what happens is we marry in script, come out of script for whatever reason, and suddenly there is a poorness of fit.

Sometimes we can improve things, sometimes we can't.

But there has to be effort from both sides.

The present situation...it's a toughie. I don't think men take presents as seriously as women. For me, a present is an opportunity for dh to show he really knows me, has been thinking of me, has noticed what I like/need/want without having to be told.

Whereas men think "Oh good, socks. I needed socks."

Simple creatures...

The presents are just an irritation I have learned to screen out really, but I'm completely with you on all the reasons why they are important. And if AOM ever came up with the perfect pressie I think I'd be off

Be careful with those books though, they never end happily, all that disruption of the norm and the natural.

Oh I know. The books are yet another example of my masochism.

Unfortunately my friend (that's what he was, only ever AOM in my head) came up with some perfect presents.

That was half the problem...

So why do we put up this for so long?

For me I suspect it is/was because not one individual thing was ever enough to break up a marriage, and by the time the all the bits of sand became a mountain, it felt too late.

Not one incident was a deal-breaker, he's a decent bloke, who's quite easy to live with really, and I feel petty and mean for not being happy.

My therapist describes it as a book of saving stamps. Each little disappointment that we swallow never goes away, we just make a little entry in our book of saving stamps

Eventually we cash in our stamps -which I suppose, is where the AOM came in.

Sorry if this is psychobabble. It makes sense to me though.

Can I just say, being happy is a right, not a duty.

It does make sense, I think.

So instead of saving up me stamps for a kettle as me mam used to, I've been saving them to cash in for an H upgrade. Is that the idea?

The thing about happiness as a right backfires if you consider there are four others in the house, who also have a right to be happy. How can my right trump theirs?

Oh, I hear you.

If I listened to my therapist, I could just waltz out of this house, waving a merry bye bye to my dh and kids, drive over to AOM's house, flick the Vs at his blameless wife,' drag him into the car and drive off into the sunset, chortling away at the prospect of my rosy future.

Cue massive

It's called being between a rock and a hard place, Hester. 'Twas ever thus, especially for mothers.

I'm afraid I can't give any satisfactory answers, other than fight for what you want from your marriage, honour yourself, and if the marriage really is unworkable, build up the strength to leave.

Maybe individual counselling would be more use than Relate?

Sorry, that probably wasn't the best advert for therapy. I think maybe I'm a little raw.

It's just that therapy seem to be all about the individual's happiness. My therapist has never advocated any of the above behaviours

Ignore me

Please don't apologise, it's all the contradictions that have got us in this mess in the first place.

I read on here so often that the children will be happy if you are, but have seen too many that seem to contradict that assertion. It seems particularly untrue when family life is just not that bad. Even H is not that unhappy, in fact just a touch more bedroom action and a job and he'd be quite content.

And I don't want to ignore you, so there. You talk more sense than I've heard in a long time.

I hope Belle will come back soon, too

You okay today, Hester?

Sorry I disappeared last night - I fell asleep!

Nothing to do with you, you understand - had too much
wine fun watching the Brits!

Morning Bobbie, I'm fine, thanks.

Just trying to figure out if the bubbling anger I feel this morning, is aimed at

me, for not insisting the kids do their share of tidying after themselves, so I feel put upon when I have to clear a path through every room in the house.

Or at thee kids for doing fuck all and then asking for money ow whining what we going to do today,

Or at AOM for daring to take me at my word,

Or at H, for just being.

So I've shirked all responsibility and have colonised the puter room. Not even dressed yet.

Sorry you're not happy...

What do you mean AOM for daring to take you at your word? Have you told him it's all off?

If so, I completely know what you're going through. It's horrible. I felt (sometimes still feel) homeless. If that sounds dramatic, I'm not going to apologise. It's like you've sent away the one person in the whole world who gets you and makes you feel good, which on a bad day feels like some kind of masochistic joke.

Whenever I hear that cliche "Better to have loved and lost, etc etc etc" I just want to growl "Try it."

I think you should be really nice to yourself today. Do decadent things like take a bath in the middle of the day, cook what you want to eat without taking anyone else's preferences into account, just baby yourself. Treat yourself like AOM treated you. Make yourself important.

Hell, if you don't no-one else will, trust me...

The trouble with sympathy and understanding is it make me cry

I told AOM at the weekend that I need to create some distance, to cut down number of contacts when we're not in the office together, and I've not heard from him since

I think he thinks we can be genuinely just good friends, but it feels like a very subtle kind of torture. If I were to contact him, it'll be fine, but I can't, it's just making everything here bearable enough not to do anything to change things. But I'm like a love sick teenager, waiting for a text.

I can't win, one listens to nothing I say, t'other takes me at my word.

I'm absolutely with you. I tried and tried and tried to do the just friends thing, for months and months.

It made me ill. I wasn't sleeping, checking email all the time - it took over my life and took my energy away from what I should have been concentrating on - my marriage.

It's a sad fact that you can't be just friends with someone you have feelings for. You just can't.

When I'm really low, I just ask myself whether I was really happy when I was in touch with my friend. Yes, there were happy times, and he made me laugh like nobody else, but the guilt, the sheer amount of energy the relationship took up for very little real gain...was it worth it?

And I think, any day now, I'll say "no". Any day now.

But just the idea of being totally without him makes me feel completely isolated and alone.

We moved a few years ago and I have no real friends here, and those I thought I had have disappeared.

He is the only person I feel remotely connected to - if I break that I'm scared there'll be nothing left. After all H and I lived like this for years before he came along.

I know. I feel exactly the same way. I sometimes wonder if I have actually gone properly insane and am in fact having an internet conversation with myself.

It's hard. I can't lie to you. Probably the hardest thing I've ever, ever done. He was one of my best friends, and my muse. It's even hard for me to write these days, because I used to show him everything I wrote, and he gave the best advice.

But for me, it had come to the point where I had to make a choice, and there was never really a choice to make. I was risking wrecking my family for what was essentially a fantasy.

You maybe have to make the same choice...and maybe your choice will be different.

Maybe the AOM is the one for you? Have you had that conversation with him?

See I had never even considered I'd finally flipped, but now you've added a whole new dimension to my confusion. The only straw to grasp hold of is that I had to look up your name - never read much Wodehouse. So you can't be me

We have sort of talked about being 'The One', but have agreed that even if that's the case it can never have a happy ending. There are six kids involved as well as spouses, that's years and years of upset

And I still don't quite trust myself to really know what he thinks of it all. On my down days I just think he's toying with me, that it's just an intricate game to him.

In the end it is just a fantasy, but no more of an illusion than my 'marriage'

Right, well, look, this is what I think. This is my philosophy on life.

If it's for you, it won't go past you.

So, you had to meet AOM. Maybe you had to meet him in order for him to show you what a relationship should be like, so that you could see clearly what was lacking in your marriage.

Only you can decide whether you can get your marriage back on track, or whether to end it.

But at the moment you need clarity. While you are confused about your marriage, and about AOM's feelings for you, you are just going to go around in circles, chasing your tail. You will never know AOM's true feelings. There's no point projecting any fantasies onto him, good or bad. Let's face it, if you're anything like me you'll be struggling to make sense of your feelings - and there's every possibility that AOM is too. So you don't stand a chance of knowing how he feels.

If your marriage makes a recovery, then all to the good. If it doesn't, and you end up separating, if AOM loves you, he'll still be there, and you will be in a better position to make a go of things.

The other thing to consider is this. Maybe we need to stop looking to men to make us happy. Maybe our relationships will never be successful until we can be happy in ourselves. Nobody can possibly fill all the gaps.

But then we're straying into Buddhist territory, and I'm sure you don't have time for that....

Clarity would be lovely, but how to achieve it?

My biggest fear that after 20 years and more of just bungling along, it could take even longer to drill through my opaqueness only to discover mine was a wasted life.

I really want to try and make myself happy, but everyone else gets in the way. Whenever I think I want to eat that, that go there, do that, there's always someone saying 'do we have to', or the money's gone on something they want to do, or the car's booked, or, or, or ...

I think the only place I feel like how I think I really am is at work, away from all of them. But these are my children

God now I sound really pathetic. Which is where the phrase 'pull yourself together', has some use

You don't sound pathetic, you sound unhappy.

You have put yourself last for years and you've had enough.

Try honouring yourself in little ways, and hopefully the bigger picture will follow suit.

For example, the answer to "oh do we HAVE to" is a succinct "Yes."

I want you to make a promise to yourself right now that you are going to do one thing a day for yourself.

Even if it's something as simple as cooking YOUR favourite dinner. Sod what the rest of them want.

Or make that trip to an art gallery.

Or salt away some of your wages into your own bank account (even if it's just a tenner a week) for you to do something just for you with.

It's really important, Hester. Otherwise you start to die inside.