The almost interesting saga of the almost-OM update

[HesterPrynne]

Sorry, I had hoped to come back before the original thread disappeared off the first page, but then... nada.

As you may remember I had emailed a local counsellor, but H persuaded me not to make an appointment, but to save, money and neuroses, for Relate, which he absolutely promised to arrange.

So far nothing's happened... "I've been too busy, will do it tomorrow." "They're not answering the phone/email" "They said I had to confirm the date (poss this Wed) with you, now they're not answering again," are a selection of the excuses I have been given.

Now even asking about it causes snappiness and sulks.

I'm really tempted to say, if we're not in a conversation with a third party by Wednesday night, then that's it - you'll have confirmed our marriage is not your priority.

Can't decide if that's a fair ultimatum or not.

Still trying hard to keep almost-OM at more than arms length, but its so difficult when things are so tense at home.

And although I haven't come completely clean, I have told H that my vows are under considerable strain, but my intention is to make our marriage work if he'll work with me. No real sign of that yet, though

I am unhappy, but also pathetic: I recognise the truth in what you say, but am just unable to live by it.

I had started to put money away, just a bit here and there (I had a plan to have singing lessons) but then DD1 needed money for a new leotard, DD2 for ballet slippers and we needed a new wotsit on the car - so now it's all gone, because there was no money elsewhere.

And now it feels pointless getting my hopes up about anything.

But it's just dawned on me the only things I do now just for me are self-destructive. I drink too much: I can't share that with the kids even if I wanted to. And I've started smoking again, just a couple a week, and again I think because it's all mine, and it makes me an individual that they can't always control.

And I have/had AOM, who is my secret

See that's how pathetic I really am

Well, if you are, I am.

I kid you not, at the height of my obsession with AOM, I began smoking again. Hadn't smoked for fifteen years. I just wanted to do something...unexpected. Grown up. Just for me. God knows.

I also drink a bit too much. It takes the edge off at the moment. That all began while AOM was on the scene. You can justify anything to yourself when you've had a few. And it helps dull the pain a bit.

Hester, I really am not kidding. All the above is true. Whatever you're going through, I've been there. I would say I'm about six months ahead of you. If I can save you a tenth of the heartache I've experienced, then at least I'll feel it wasn't all for nothing.

Oh my god...we're not cliches are we?

We may well be cliches, Bobbie.

After all the angst and heartache, maybe we are just going through a common or garden mid-life crisis - we feel we need to dress it up, being literary sorts.

Common but too hi-falutin' to recognise it (I was going to put a grin in there, but it has too much of a ring of truth about it)

Well, yes, I suppose it could be described as a mid-life crisis.

But that doesn't make it any less real or painful...I know how many real tears I've cried over all this, how many hours of therapy I've spent raking everything over, how much sleep I've lost.

We could start judging ourselves as silly women...but then we would be discounting ourselves in much the same way as we allowed ourselves to be discounted for so many years.

Which to my mind is what led to this situation in the first place. Also, the therapy I've had, both individually and as part of a couple, identified problems that were all too real, and that felt a little like vindication.

Whenever I get too judgemental about myself I get the cat's bum mouth treatment from my therapist.

I don't have to mete out the same to you do I?

Sorry, I probably will need many more stern, cat's bum looks, I have never been able to take myself, or particularly my feelings too seriously for too long. I start to hear my brothers' voices saying something along the lines of 'ooh she's getting above her self again, just cos she went to unnniversssittty.'

I know it's real to me, but doesn't mean it ought to be iyswim

Can I ask if you ever told your H about AOM?

Yes, I told him I had fallen in love with another man.

He guessed who it was immediately and that was the point when he agreed to come to counselling.

I have to say he's amazed me. I thought he would put me out with the rubbish, but no.

I think it was a bit of a wakeup call for both of us, tbh.

Can you not see that the fact that you discount yourself and your feelings makes it all too easy for your h to do the same?

I only ask because that was the mistake I made for such a long time.

Also, it sounds as though you were discounted a bit in your birth family (from what you say about your brothers - if I'm wrong, I apologise). It's a sad fact that we look to our partners to give us what we're used to getting.

What about some individual therapy? Could you manage that?

I'm not sure I can be that brave. I really don't like any of the possible outcomes from H knowing.

I don't think we could afford both couple and individual therapy for me (and that's not just me undermining myself, honest) and I pressed for hard for Relate, who we haven't heard back from, that it would be odd to change tack now.

My birth family is a bit odd, but reasonably close. I have been sort of lauded for being the brainy one (my sister apparently had the beauty ) yet teased mercilessly as well, particularly once I came down to that den of all iniquity London.

Any perceived pretensions are very quickly battered down. So I have always tried for the intelligent rather than the intellectual.

And I do see what you're saying about H having a licence to dismiss me in that way, but I'm also sure that I have further built up the self-deprecating protection in response to him anyway

Well, as I said before, I'm a bit further on than you. I got just absolutely desperate. And I think I wanted to shake him out of his complacency. Before that point, I'd actually stood in front of him and said "I'm worried I'm going to have an affair". I think his response was something along the lines of "Don't then"

Also, don't forget I'm having therapy. That has helped me be a bit braver.

What possible outcomes scare you?

(If I don't reply straight away, it's because it's dinner time. I will get back to you)

If you don't mind, can I ask where you are from originally? Don't have to be specific, it was just the use of the phrase "me mam" about fifty posts back. It rang a bell...

Easiest question first: I'm from Lancashire/ Manchester.

Outcomes:
1 That H will insist I leave. Possible.

2 H will want me to stay. Most likely.
But I will think even less of him for not immediately throwing me out (I know, I know) and that I will obviously have to cut all contact with AOM which will be difficult, not only emotionally, but as jobs are scarce.

3 That H has known all along, and doesn't really care, so long as we stay a family. Not likely.

I just can't see option 2 turning into a marriage bolstering scenario. And when I do try and imagine it, it never feels right, too many compromises will have to be made. I just don't now feel I can put all the hurts and slights behind me, forgive and move on.

I thought you were Northern! Another similarity .

My dh had a combination of reaction 2 and 3. He does care, but he admits he suspected all along. I don't like to think too much about why he didn't confront me - I think I was longing for him to, tbh.

So what are the possible outcomes of NOT telling him? Are they any less scary, long term?

Long term I suppose I'm hoping that the AOM thing will fizzle out or that something decisive will happen which will shift the blame from me.

I know it's an awful thing to admit, but I suspect I'm doing that classic bad spouse thing of picking fault so that he gets fed up enough to do something decisive so I don't have to.

The other aspect I'm going to have to get to grips with - if my marriage survives - is the sudden realisation that there are other men out there. Before AOM I don't even remember fancying anyone, even at other nadirs in my marriage, now I look at almost everyone man I meet as a prospective lover. And what, as is likely, he has less self control (?) than AOM, how would I react?

I went through that, a bit. Acting like a mardy cow in the hope that he would react and/or chuck me. Of course, I say that with the benefit of hindsight. At the time, I didn't really know I was doing that.

But what did make me feel better in the end was retaking control. When I look back, for those few months, I was completely putting myself at the mercy of the men in my life.

Hanging around waiting for any bit of attention from my friend, kicking off in the hope of gaining some kind of attention from my dh, imagining that if something happened with my friend it would be the answer to all my problems.

In the end, it reached a point where I just got sick of waiting for crumbs from these men's tables.

I just thought, fuck it, it's my life. And only I can do something to make it better.

I'm not saying it's easy, and there are days when I could so easily log on and fire off an email to my friend. (Actually having you to talk to has helped me say strong, if that's not too weird). But at the end of the day, knowing I've taken some control back does make me feel better about everything.

Do you think AOM is special, or could he be almost anyone?

I'm not sure about AOM. I think he's special, but I probably have to because of the situation I'm in. But then again I don't think he could be just anyone.

And you're right about wanting to take control, but I don't know what form that would take. It all comes back to the kids.

And it's not weird about the affect of chatting on here. I have gone four days now without reaching for my phone, typing a message and then deleting it. Then doing the same again an hour later, until I finally send it feeling angry at myself for not having any self control, but feeling excited when he replies.

So you're definitely helping me get some distance, and I'm very grateful.

Well, you need to think about what would really make your life better, and for what it's worth, a good place to start would be valuing yourself a bit more ( I think I banged on a bit about that this morning )

And take baby steps. Don't make any big decisions or grand gestures. Be kind to yourself, take it slowly, take it one day at a time and eventually what is best for you will start to become clear.

Relate will help, I'm sure. And keep chatting on here. We'll help each other, eh?

All I know at the moment is that I have to fill my life with more than couple days a week work, and the resultant hermit-like existence in the house. With all the time to over analyse and bake.

I will apply for the PGCE, even if Belle isn't here to nag me.

I need to try at least to control and change those things I can, which will have a negligible effect on everyone else.

And you Bobbie, have to find a way through your block and start writing again .

You see, that's me again.

I only work very short hours. Too much time on our hands...we end up analysing everything. And the devil will make work for idle hands...

Yes, you must apply for the PGCE. That will be great for you.

And I will start writing again...and I have my MA to look forward to.

There you go - we have a plan!

Thanks for the chat.

Night!

Y'alright, Hester?

Afternoon Bobbie, I'm back. I've been offline at work since Friday.

I feel a little more stable today than I have all week. I have spent the last six days a bubbling volcano of anger, spitting and hissing at everyone for no good reason - not that there's ever a good reason.

I can't even say what set me off, but apart from the anger, I've felt teary and really tense all week. Maybe it's just kids on half-term on top of everything else.

AOM made me feel a bit better, but not for long, and then I felt worse again. I kept wanting to tell him that our heart to hearts had to stop, but I just couldn't. I think maybe I'll write him an email to explain that I really can't do this anymore. I can't pretend I can just be friends.

Hi, Hester, I've been worried about you, and I know Belle has too. We'll have to try and lure her back.

I'm sorry you've felt so rubbish. I so sympathise - I've been pretty much the same, off and on.

Pretending to be friends is a killer, because you're kidding yourself and it's exhausting. My head was in pieces when I was in that place. I was in constant conversation with myself, justifying stuff, feeling guilty, feeling angry with the world and everyone in it.

Still feel all those things sometimes... BUT at least once I did the decisive thing and cut contact I did feel like I'd taken back some control.

Not saying I don't miss my friend. Hell, I wrote him an email today...but I pressed cancel instead of send. Juvenile behaviour, I suppose, but safer than getting in touch again.

It really is lovely to hear from you, by the way.

Thanks, Bobbie. I do miss our chats, but now worried I'm just swapping one 'unreal' friendship for another.

I can understand why Belle has left us, I'm not sure why you're still here though. Even I'm thoroughly bored with the situation.

I think that was part of my anger last week. I'm really pissed off with myself with just drifting; for not taking a decision. And now I'm scared I'll do something rash, just because it's better than this limbo.

Well, I do know what you mean...it's another refuge from a real life that needs sorting, isn't it?

However, it's a safe refuge, unlikely to cause any real harm.

We all need a bit of support sometimes, me included.

And fwiw, I'm here because I like you and I know what you're going through. Talking about it helps me get my head straight about a few things too.

I understand if you want to stop chatting though.

Oh, I don't want to stop chatting no. Although it might not seem it, it has helped me sort a few things, not enough - but maybe that will come.

I'm not likely to get back on tonight, but will be around from tomorrow afternoon. Hopefully I'll be a little more cheerful.

And thanks Bobbie.

Bobbie are you there? At the risk of being clingy and needy, please talk to me.

Hi Hester, sorry just got this! I've been out all day!

Are you okay?

bumping for Hester...