Over the last year I have found out from family member loads of things I didn't know about my mother. The main thing being she squirrelled away most of our child support payments (amounting to way over 75k) and is now living off that in a foreign country. All of her children are now adults.
After our parents divorced, our father bought a house outright for us to live in. Then the courts ordered he pay a substantial sum to mum each month for us. He earned a lot so we got a lot of maintenance. BUT from the age of 11 to 18 I have few memories of being allowed to buy new clothes, we had to wear second hand shop clothes, we had no holidays, no school trips, cheap food... meanwhile our mother took up several expensive habits, and complained to us all the time that our father NEVER paid maintenance thus we had to suffer and to blame HIM not her. She bworked very very part time so I know ashe never earned enough to fund her lifestyle at that time.
Since then I have seen court documents, bank statements and solicitors letters. So I know for a fact our father DID pay thousands and thousands for us every year. This was years ago now and I am FURIOUS at my mother for lying, for keeping the money, for letting me destroy my relationship with my father, as I believed he never paid or cared. I don't know what to say to my mother now. I want to sue her or something for years of deceipt, for withholding the money that was supposed to benefit us children. Our father lived 400 miles away and we hardly ever saw him, so he was never truly aware of the fact we did not reveive the full benefits of his maintenance. Now he knows the truth he is astounded and angry too. He says he paid a LOT so we would have a good life despite his not being a part of it any more.
I am so angry and so sad. I don't want to rehash old issues but this knowledge has made everything come back to the surface. FFS Mum made us go without shampoo and conditioner and deodarant as teenage girls as she "couldn't afford it". We had to use cheap supermarket soap to wash our hair. I used to steal friends body spray at aleepovers. We lived in a lovely house though and no one ever really knew what went on behind closed doors. My clothes were embarassing. Thank God for school uniforms.
My mother is unstable, I suspect bipolar. She's made some very poor decisions in raising us. Yet now we are adults her memories of our childhood are VERY different from ours. Apparently we were raised free and liberal and wanted for nothing. Ok. I remember cutting mouldy crusts off white bread to make sandwiches for school. She would buy a certain amount of cheap and nasty food on a Saturday and by Thursday we'd often have to choose lunch or dinner as we couldn't have both.
Now she lives in an amazing house in a lovely country. She "retired" at 45 with her new husband. She considers herself the victim in life as she never wanted a cheating husband, or ungrateful children, etc etc...
I work bloody hard and earn a fair amount. She is now demanding I start contributing towards a savings account for HER and her DH as they want supporting once they are old. and apparently I OWE her.
I am so messed up over this, I know I need therapy or something. But I am also wanting to see what recall we children have for the maintenance that we never benefitted from. It was years ago. But the ramifications of her actions have affected all of us children as adults.
Ugh what a mess.
If you've read this far thank you.