Found out some brutal stuff

[wrinklyraisin]

Over the last year I have found out from family member loads of things I didn't know about my mother. The main thing being she squirrelled away most of our child support payments (amounting to way over 75k) and is now living off that in a foreign country. All of her children are now adults.

After our parents divorced, our father bought a house outright for us to live in. Then the courts ordered he pay a substantial sum to mum each month for us. He earned a lot so we got a lot of maintenance. BUT from the age of 11 to 18 I have few memories of being allowed to buy new clothes, we had to wear second hand shop clothes, we had no holidays, no school trips, cheap food... meanwhile our mother took up several expensive habits, and complained to us all the time that our father NEVER paid maintenance thus we had to suffer and to blame HIM not her. She bworked very very part time so I know ashe never earned enough to fund her lifestyle at that time.

Since then I have seen court documents, bank statements and solicitors letters. So I know for a fact our father DID pay thousands and thousands for us every year. This was years ago now and I am FURIOUS at my mother for lying, for keeping the money, for letting me destroy my relationship with my father, as I believed he never paid or cared. I don't know what to say to my mother now. I want to sue her or something for years of deceipt, for withholding the money that was supposed to benefit us children. Our father lived 400 miles away and we hardly ever saw him, so he was never truly aware of the fact we did not reveive the full benefits of his maintenance. Now he knows the truth he is astounded and angry too. He says he paid a LOT so we would have a good life despite his not being a part of it any more.

I am so angry and so sad. I don't want to rehash old issues but this knowledge has made everything come back to the surface. FFS Mum made us go without shampoo and conditioner and deodarant as teenage girls as she "couldn't afford it". We had to use cheap supermarket soap to wash our hair. I used to steal friends body spray at aleepovers. We lived in a lovely house though and no one ever really knew what went on behind closed doors. My clothes were embarassing. Thank God for school uniforms.

My mother is unstable, I suspect bipolar. She's made some very poor decisions in raising us. Yet now we are adults her memories of our childhood are VERY different from ours. Apparently we were raised free and liberal and wanted for nothing. Ok. I remember cutting mouldy crusts off white bread to make sandwiches for school. She would buy a certain amount of cheap and nasty food on a Saturday and by Thursday we'd often have to choose lunch or dinner as we couldn't have both.

Now she lives in an amazing house in a lovely country. She "retired" at 45 with her new husband. She considers herself the victim in life as she never wanted a cheating husband, or ungrateful children, etc etc...

I work bloody hard and earn a fair amount. She is now demanding I start contributing towards a savings account for HER and her DH as they want supporting once they are old. and apparently I OWE her.

I am so messed up over this, I know I need therapy or something. But I am also wanting to see what recall we children have for the maintenance that we never benefitted from. It was years ago. But the ramifications of her actions have affected all of us children as adults.

Ugh what a mess.

If you've read this far thank you.

Everyone has already given you really good advice just wanted to say im really sorry.

I think you just need a long and honest talk with your Dad. He will understand why things were as they were between you if he understands what you were hearing from your mother.

XP and his Dad have had this talk in the last two weeks. What his Mum has done has caused such a lot of hurt and damage, but the future doesn't have to be the same as the past for you.

Thanks everyone for replying and for the advice. My head is spinning with it all and to hear random strangers validate my feelings on this is immensely valuable.

I am going to write a letter to my father first. I feel dealing with his side of things will be easier and more positive and will strengthen me for dealing with my mother down the road a ways.

Every now and then throughout the day I keep just shaking my head in shock over this, it's like all of a sudden the last piece of the jigsaw has fallen into place and I can see the whole picture. I really do think I need maybe anti anxiety tablets or something as I keep getting all tight chested and shaking and panicked about everything and this is all new for me. Is it possible I can be affected so physically by this? Especially as I have been ok all this time beforehand? My sister told me I should see the Dr as I am having really breathless and scary panic attacks now and that this is the straw that broke the camels back for me. She's right I think

Not an expert but yes, I think panic attacks can be caused by the things you describe. Do try to get some help for yourself.

Tbh if you don't actually need the money, I wouldn't bother trying to pursue that side of things. She's probably spent it anyway. And making a fuss about money is sort of lowering yourself to her level, iyswim.

Not to excuse what she did, but it's likely her mental illness was partly the cause. At least if she is living in a different country now it is easier to keep her out of your life.

wrinkly, you need to be a bit more kind to yourself. You've just found out information which has, effectively, rewritten your entire childhood and life to date. I'm not surprised it's affecting you physically.

What a horrible shock. I agree with another poster - these type of people (like your mum) are completely obsessed with how people see them and playing the victim so they get given credit and praise for coping so well. It's horrible, abusive, controlling behaviour. I'm glad your dad is still around so you can rebuild your relationship with him.

There's something very painful about unlcoking the truth about your own childhood - a pain that really does feel physical. I hope you find someone really good to talk to about this - it will help you try and put it all in perspective.

Yes, you are in shock. Don't underestimate the enormity of what's just happened - a whole raft of your understanding about your self, your family & your upbringing has just been overturned.

Panic attacks feel like heart attacks. Rest assured you will not die, though it feels like it! Wait for them to pass. You can help the panic by doing deep breathing exercises. If you're panting (hyperventilating), try breathing in and out of a paper bag - it helps rebalance the oxygen in your system. Go for a walk or something, and take care of your diet. Don't drink alcohol while your head's whirling, it'll make you feel worse.

For the rest of the weekend, please try and treat yourself as if you've been seriously ill. If you're still extremely anxious on Monday, do see your doctor. Citalopram is commonly prescribed for anxiety, it usually works within a couple of days. Your doc may also be able to recommend a suitable counsellor for you.

Do take care. Good luck with your letter

I think that's the biggest thing, the fact that one third of my life (if not more) was shitty and miserable and deprived and embarassing and stressful and I took so much upon myself to rationalize it and to deal with it as being necessary, it just was what it was, and I HATED my father so much for putting us through it. I stood by my mother through thick and thin, and even though it was horrific I thought it was not her fault. And all of a sudden I find out our hardship and suffering was OPTIONAL. It was not necessary. It was something our mother CHOSE for us, her three children. WTH am I supposed to do with that?!!??

My panic attacks are not hyperventilating. It's weird, my chest goes so tight and I can't breath in, and I have to really concentrate on a part of the wall, or out of the window and wait for the moment to pass and then I can breath again. I feel really quite pathetic and I cannot feel the ground under my feet IYSWIM. Everything that I thought WAS, is no longer. I don't feel like me any more, as I based myself on my life, and now that life turns out to be a crock of shit. None of it was necessary.

Oh you poor poor thing. What a horrible monstrous way to behave. Please believe that you owe her less than nothing. Take the chance to make up with your dad and write to tell her that you know everything she did and she will never see a penny from you.

The threats to kill herself are just that, empty threats, people like that don't kill themselves deliberately - far far too selfish to do herself any harm deliberately.

The worst mistake you could make now it to let her carry on and ruin the rest of your life like she has done so far. Get happy and rebuild your relationship with your dad - that's the best revenge on her!

Jesus Christ. If I were you I think I would feel very tempted to write her a letter saying 'I know what you did. Do not ever contact me again.' and then break all contact. Remove yourself entirely from this poisonous toad's orbit. Anything she does, or threatens to do, is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. It never was and it certainly isn't now, after everything she has done.

Go forward with your life as a success, knowing it's all down to you If she's uncaring enough to willingly deprive her children for personal gain, she'll never change no matter what you do or don't do.

I think I would be writing two letters if I was in your situation. The first would be to your father, apologising for the way you acted towards him and an explanation why. I would also be telling him that you would very much like the opportunity to rebuild your relationship and have a decent father/daughter relationship that is not tainted by somebody else's lies.

then I would be writing to your mother, telling he that you are now aware of what happened during your childhood years and that she must bear the responsibility for what she did. i would also remind her that as the parent, she had a responsibility towards you and your siblings with regard to caring for you all and that since she so clearly and spectacularly failed in that regard, why does she think you would ever want to take any financial responsibility for her now?
I would remind her that any responsibility you have is towards your own children and that since she has already had money amounting to 75k ( or whatever), you consider that any ( debatable) debt you owe her, well and truly paid up.

And then I am afraid, I too, would have no further contact with her. What she chooses to do with her life is herchoice and not anything for which you should bear any blame.

your dad is bound to know the truth by now anyway - he will know as well as anyone how manipulative and toxic this woman is. I'm sure you will be able to make up for lost time.

There is a charity where i live called Stonewall for victims of emotional, physical and sexual abuse and it's free for up to one year if you can't afford therapy.

Sorry nothing more to add than to say how appalling your mothers behaviour has been. I hope you can work through this and rebuild a relationship with your Dad

DwayneDibbley no offence taken. I don't believe there is any reason for the OP to consider herself in debt to this woman at all, just as I don't believe my DCs owe me anything iro the money we have spent and are continuing to spend on them as they grow up. I only intended for the OP to make it clear to her mother that any debt she, ie; the mother, considered due, had already been taken up front as it were. But I take your point about how she might view it.

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bugger. That was supposed to be a strikethrough!

But why didn't your Dad keep in contact and oversee the financial support was going where he intended. 400 miles isn't a massive distance that couldn't be crossed at least fortnightly.
Not saying what your mum did wasn't awful but your dad owed you more than just money didn't he?

I also wonder why your father didn't see you, take you on holiday, have days out etc?

Your mother was wrong to lie to you but what she did with money is her choice, that monsy was to keep a roof over your head and she did that part.

They could have been married and you wore second hand clothes and she may have refused to go on holiday.

Crumbs, I feel I owe it to my son to provide for my own old age.

Your mum sounds horrible, and if it was my mum I'd have no qualms about having nothing to do with her.

Wrinklyraisin

Your miserable childhood makes me for you. How utterly utterly shitty and horrible.

FWIW I had a similar upbringing to yours, I was brought up to believe that my poor poor mother was a victim in everything, that I was an unfortunate incident fate had cruelly visited upon her and how she was positively saintly for clothing and feeding me and not putting me into care. I was brought up to feel worthless and never, ever good enough.

You owe her nothing, in fact you owe her less than nothing. You do not have to play into her view of the world that she is the most important person ever in the history of the universe. You are just beginning to see 'clearly' and tbh it fucking hurts, but you will get through and things will get better in time as you work through this and come out of the other side. You are a brave lady, lots of people just bury their heads in the sand and carry on giving out what their mother gave them.

I also feel I should mention that defending your 'poor mum' almost to the last is normal, normal normal. I did it with both my mother and her abusive drunk husband, for years and years. I supported them both emotionally in all sorts of ways when it should never have been allowed to happen, but there you go. No doubt you are really feeling the sting from defending 'ppor mum' all these years.

Stick with us on mn and keep posting. If no-one has mentioned it already, you will find lots of support on the 'stately homes' thread in 'relationships.'

Back again after a bath and a good cry and some chocolate.

My father had an affair and was kicked out of the family home. There was then a nasty divorce and he was told in no uncertain terms that he had made his choice. It turns out he was also told we children wanted nothing to do with him. My mother basically withdrew all contact apart from 4 weeks a year during the school holidays and the odd weekend here and there. My father did not push the issue and did what he thought we wanted. He paid up and assumed we would be well provided for. His priorities were towards his new family at that point and I think he had a mentality that staying away was just easier on everyone. I don't think he was right in his actions. But at least he did care enough to give so much money and went through the courts to ensure it was all done properly. I have issues with my father for sure. But they are miniscule in comparison to those that now exist with my mother.

Families are so fraught and complicated at the best of times. I am completely at a loss on how to ever speak to my mother again. It's been over a week since we last spoke, and the proverbial hit the fan really just in the last few days. I know she will email and say why haven't I called, what's wrong with my life that I am so quiet? It's always something I have done which means I don't call her. She never just calls me. And then there'll be the 30 minute "my life is so terrible", "your brother did this" or "your sister said that" or "we had to pay such and such for the car, how will we afford to pay our bills, and there's you earning XXX which is more than I get in a month".... everything is always about money. I hate it.

"I also wonder why your father didn't see you, take you on holiday, have days out etc?"
We were told he didn't care, he never paid maintenance, he didn't want to see us. We were told so many things that I never wanted to see him. He was told similar things by my mother too, it turns out.

"Your mother was wrong to lie to you but what she did with money is her choice, that monsy was to keep a roof over your head and she did that part."
Our mother received a fully paid for 4 bed house as part of the divorce settlement. The maintenance she received was in excess of 1500 per month. It was by court order that the money be spent on our food, education, clothing and extracurricular activities as our housing needs were met already. See my earlier posts on how little money she actually spent on us. I know our weekly shop was always less than 50 as she would say that was all our father said we were allowed to have to eat.

"They could have been married and you wore second hand clothes and she may have refused to go on holiday."
When they were married we were a wealthy family. Big house, frequent holidays, nice clothes and horse riding lessons, piano lessons, etc... We were so lucky, so privileged. All that was gone in weeks once the divorce took place. My father intended us to CONTINUE our decent lifestyle despite him not living with us. I wish I could give my mother the benefit of the doubt but to refuse to buy shampoo or deodarant for a 14 year old girl????!!!!!!! That is not reasonable or kind or just. She lied pure and simple.

Sorry if I have added to your tears seemed to think you had been abandoned by your Dad too.
I can't advise you on adult relationships with parents as mine had both died when I was barely out of teens.
I can tell you though that it's entirely possible to be happy without a loving mother in your life so should imagine it would be even easier without a difficult one.
I think you have to do what makes you happier and if your mother lives abroad and doesn't initiate contact it wouldn't be too difficult to let contact slip away would it?