If you're good looking, is it harder to find someone who really is decent?

[electra]

......in much the same way that rich people sometimes don't know how much a person is with them for their money?

It's a serious question...

sorry, Susie Orbach didn't cure my eating disorders - I cured my eating disorders, with the help of her book

For one of the exercises, I had to stuff every cupboard with crisps & chocolate (my 'comforts'). My boyfriend went apeshit - which told me several interesting things about him & what he felt entitled to control ...
Great book.

i saw her interviewed once. i liked what i heard. i must borrow something of hers from the library. she talks such sense. should be on the syllabus for young girls today who think that they should be above all else 'fuckable'.

Do you think it might be as much a matter of grooming as natural looks? Not to say you aren't beautiful as I'm sure you are gorgeous

Just wondering because all the best groomed girls I see out are accompanied by men who look like they have escaped from some kind of bestiary. The well-groomed thing - by this I don't mean a normal standard of care for yourself, but the I've-swallowed-Heat-magazine-and-everything-it-has-to-say look - complete with straightened, dyed-blonde hair, tiny figure, lots of make-up, head to toe topshop, VERY high heels no matter what the occasion etc. I was wondering whether this is almost like a visible sign of a girl who has very low self-esteem, i.e. thinks she needs to conform exactly to some kind of ideal to be a worthwhile person.

Not saying there's anything wrong with dressing/grooming like that, just that having to spend at least an hour getting ready just to go e.g. to the shop to get milk maybe acts as some kind of beacon to the kind of arseholes who thrive on girlfriends who hate themselves.

< men who look like they have escaped from some kind of bestiary >
ROFL!

Just saying...

well, electra, I am a plain jane, and most men's eyes just skate over me. A significant percentage of men can't even be bothered to be polite (I am talking about "pass the salt" kind of politeness, not asking me out).

My ex fastened on me because he thought I was a suitable subject for his control freakery (not beautiful, so would accept all his criticism etc).

If loads of men find you attractive, then at least you have some to choose from, even if loads of them are shallow - I have none to choose from!

I agree nigbynight. I've never blamed other women for this though. I've always been a woman's woman. You know where you are with women and a lot of my friends are beautiful. They have had their fair share of troubles in that deptartment as well, but like you say, they get more opportunities to decide, this guy, c'est gentil ou mechant? you know what i mean. i could honestly be waiting ten years for anybody to chat me up.

lol maggie, I could have written your post!
I have to say though, I have never resented beautiful women (I am jealous of women with rich dh's who stay at home and driver mercedes, so I know what being jealous feels like!)

no me neither, occasionally i wish i were prettier myself, but i wonder if i'd have made all the same (rubbish) choices with slightly better looking versions of the various wankers and losers i've met over years!!

i like attractive women because they're confident and happy (mostly).

I find myself being jealous of people's houses and occasionally qualifications. I envy my friend who is a midwife because i've always wanted to be one. her husband is supporting her for the four year period she'll be studying (their children are still young).

ah well. I'm lucky really because I don't feel loneliness the way some people do. I think that is a terrible burden sometimes, not being content in your own company. People, beautiful, ugly and in between make terrible mistakes sometimes because they aren't comfortable in their own company.

I tend to attract ugly men, who are twats too. wonder what that says about me. One or the other is insulting...both?

I have good friends who are very attractive twin sisters and look very alike. One is happily married, very settled with a couple of children. The other is living the single life - she has various boyfriends but hasn't settled down with any of them yet. I know the single twin would actually love to have the life her sister has. And I know the married twin sometimes yearns for the freedom and fun(? - it's all relative) that her sister has.

So, in answer to the OP, I am not convinced that attractiveness should really be a barrier to finding a decent partner.

Yes - it is a REAL problem. In my experience many, many men are highly competitive about everything including women. Therefore, having an attractive woman on your arm is a sort of trophy. Also, sexual attraction seems to befuddle their brains, so they start behaving in an irrational manner. I USED to be considered to be a real stunner and I got so sick and tired of men treating me like sex on legs that I took to wearing baggy clothes, no makeup and making absolutely no effort with my appearance so that I would not be noticed for the way I looked. I hated standing out on the basis of my appearance and just wanted to blend in with the crowd and have someone like me "for me".

One of my daughters is very pretty and she is extremely discriminating when it comes to boys - only genuine friends are welcome anywhere near her. Nothing worse than feeling like you are going to become a "scalp" on someone's bedpost, or a conquest for someone to boast about.

Also other women can be horrible towards you. No-one takes you seriously as a person because they can never get past the way you look. I found it a curse in the end and was relieved when I got older and people started to take me more seriously. I am no longer a threat to other women which is such a relief.

Actually come to think of it, it could be that only guys who are extremely confident in themselves dare to think really beautiful women could find them attractive. And sometimes really confident guys verge on the side of assholery.

Don't know why I'm pondering this really, I am most certainly not beautiful or even "distinctly amiable" like Coldtits. What I am is very, er, pronounced with my personality upon first acquaintance (not consciously, just the way I am). This tends to sort the sheep from the goats soon enough .

Also I'd recommend installing an early-warning bullshit monitor. Or if you really don't have one, asking the opinion of a good friend whose opinion you trust.

Would like to see photos so I can see the extent of your fears .

I wouldn't have thought that being good looking would hinder you in the relationship stakes, presume it would help if anything. I think men do go for beauty above all else. Or they want the best they think they can get looks wise then concentrate on compatability.

I wouldn't say I was especially good looking and I'm sure other women don't think so but I have had a lot of brief relationships, with some stunning men. I can never understand how they are attracted to me. It hasn't all been about how attractive or not I am as a couple of times I've known them first as friends. That can be a problem, attracting very good looking men, I suppose it spoilt it for an average looking guy who would have stuck around longer. Am much more realistic about things now as I'm getting on a bit. Must admit though it was a bit of an addiction at one time.

I've read Toxic Parents, yes - thanks for the other links too. Maggie - perhaps you are right that people who are not comfortable to be by themselves are more likely to be swept off their feet by losers. I'm not sure if that is me....

WRT how I'm groomed - I don't wear a lot of make up but I'm thin and have big boobs. My friends describe me as stylish - I'm not the sort to wear shorts on a night out! Perhaps this look attracts a certain man though.

thin with big boobs that is

My sister is stunning. Her look has wide appeal, too - tall, slim, huge knockers, long blonde hair. She attracts a lot of twats and the odd nice bloke. Mainly, she just attracts a lot of men.

The difficult thing for her is that they often only see 'blonde, big boobies, long legs' and don't always realise/care that
a) she is super bright and highly educated
b) she is a lovely person, incredibly caring and genuine, salt-of-the earth

A lot of guys are interested in her as a trophy girlfriend.

But then again, because she is the uber Alpha Female, she is probably quite fussy and looking for the Perfect Man. Which we all know is the Holy Grail...

I have often wondered this as both my sisters are stunning headturners and either struggle to find a man and when they get one he tends to be shit.

I am a total minger and apart from when my marriage went wrong I have never had man problems

Yes.

Sorry for lack of modesty, but as a young 'un, I was very good looking and dressed up a lot, etc, and was often a trophy girlfriend.

The couple of decent guys I went out with both said that until they got to know me through mutual friends, they did find it a bit intimidating!

I am a total dog these days btw. Nah, not really, but I am a complete slob and you probably wouldn't recognise me from my old pictures.

Hmmm. I genuinely don't know if I'm good looking or not. I'm definitely alright looking, but I don't know if I'm good looking. Maybe we need a MN version of hot or not to determine who is faced with these issues

Actually, having skimmed through the thread I've come to the conclusion I must be a bit of a minger as I've been a serial monogamist (culminating in marrying DH 5 years ago) since I was 16 ah well

DD is also nearly 20 {aaaaargh} and very modelesque, and rather feisty too (or even downright abrasive on occasion). She has attracted a good few cads in her time -- hopefully a learning experience for her.

I think some of them sought her out because they would look better with her as an accessory. 'Better' as in more alpha male to other teenage boys and 'better' as in more of a prize for the other girls to set their sights on -- as in, do you think you have what it takes to date moi? Do you think you're better than (DD)? Show me what you've got. Nothing to do with my DD as a person.... For some young men, their glory years are somewhere between 14 and 22, and they never grow up any more.

Maggie, I think you're so right about being happy in your own company.

< people tend to assume that because you're conventionally good looking you're either stupid, or shallow or very vain >
... Ain't it the truth.

Wish I'd had a more rounded set of values back then

Wow, I think this is really interesting thread.

It makes me just about cringe out loud to say it (or type it even) but I'm naturally good looking and my sister even more so.

My experience tells me it's certainly no guarantee of happiness.

Have also had nastiness from women in the past because of it. I always found it quite hurtful and never really understood why. I suspect people assume good looking = outgoing, confident, glamorous whereas the truth is I'm a shy, bookish and a bit awkward! I've never felt entirely comfortable with my appearance, to be honest.