If you're good looking, is it harder to find someone who really is decent?

[electra]

......in much the same way that rich people sometimes don't know how much a person is with them for their money?

It's a serious question...

That picture is a carefully chosen one of about 60 I took for a dating website last year. It's the |BEST one of myself I have. My friend looks better than that at 6 am after 2 bottles of wine and a pizza 4 hours earlier...

Oh coldtits I had never looked at your profile pic before - you are extraordinarily pretty!

Coldtits - fresh-faced natural beauty is what my Mother would say about you! Really lovely - am jealous as I look in the mirror at the haggard face staring back at me after two long nights up with DD who has an eye/ear/nose/everything else infection!

yeah I'm joining in on this, I was expecting a right bag of badgers from what you said coldtits and you are gorgeous !

I want to take your black leather jacket off, though, and put you in a Jane Austeny sort of dress...

it is the cross I have to bear...

Interesting...As a generalisation I agree with the posts about super-good looks making for super-shallow personalities. However, I'm more interested in what this phrase 'good-looking' actually means.

I think there's a very broad spectrum across which probably most people would fit into the 'good-looking' section. I'd put the Halle Berrys and George Clooneys of the world at the extreme end (of fugly, obviously ), and myself skirting somewhere around the middle (depending on how much effort I've made). Based on my friends' comments about me they'd place me slightly higher up the spectrum. Based on conversations with men (and my experience of not having 100 men chasing after me!) I should perhaps place myself slightly lower down .

But then it's not just down to looks, is it? Also attitudes change, so, for example, nowadays, with the heavy marketing of an impossible ideal of perfection (through models, TV programmes, etc etc), people (especially men, I am told) have a narrower definition of what counts as either good-looking or attractive. And, broadly-speaking, women tend to be attracted to the whole person whereas men tend to be drawn to people who fit this narrower definition of attractiveness.

Well I never thought I was good looking because my parents deliberately tried to confuse me about how I look and even told me I was funny looking, out of some bizarre, misplaced ideal that I should not grow up conceited - a whole other thread .

But I know from the reaction I get from people that I must be very good looking and that it would be disingenuous of me to pretend I'm not. And I do find that men I have relationships with seem to be mainly focused on how I look and I suppose in that way it's hard to weed out the losers.

The dreaded words 'I love you' always come at the wrong time and don't mean that at all but more that the person just wants to have sex all the time.

I think that it can lead to unwanted attention... and IME people who are truly incredible looking with model looks etc, seem to have a lot more trouble in terms of starting and maintaining a 'normal' relationship.

coldtits...you arent what i imagined!! very pretty!!

i used to be very similiar to what my eldestt DD looks like now. she's very popular with the boys,but is always innocently wondering why

Absolutely not. Of course not. More people are interested, good or bad. Of that wider 'catch' you get the opportunity to use YOUR OWN JUDGEMENT to form a relationship with the good guy. Nobody is interested in me at all. I'm not bitter. I'm average looking.. It's just the way it is. Wouldn't go out with a bastard though, I'll stay single for ever first.

But the problem is, Maggie that you don't always know someone is a bastard. He may put on a show of being genuine and caring and is really out for what he can get and then you discover too late what the truth is.

Well, that's true I guess. But being very average-looking doesn't protect you from that. My x did the same thing, pretended to be some body better than he actually is.

I think it's about working on your own judgement and being sure about what is important. Prioritising what you want out of a relationship. Get that bit right, and you're less likely to end up in a muddle

Yes. I was looking forward to being 50+ because I thought this would be less of a problem! But I'm still stuck with the unpleasant problem of whether to be fat & frumpy (thus being taken for who I am, not how I look) or helping myself feel better by being fit & taking care of myself (then being avoided by women & patronised by men). I'm currently fat & frumpy, but it's contributing to my depression ... aarrgh!

Having said all that, I'm not 'technically' beautiful and do have issues around appearances - all my family are heavily invested in physical beauty; comment too often on people's appearance; history of eating disorders, etc. So I can't be sure the issue is external, iyswim. I'm working on this with myself, hoping I can come up with a "presentation package" that doesn't trigger unhelpful reactions in others.

If you're 25, female and beautiful, your looks bestow quite a lot of power. It's fun. But perhaps you might want to investigate whether your whole persona rests on being attractive? Some people 'preen' without realising it.

of course, I have it all sorted out! but I have no panel of candidates to choose from

I am ok though. I don't think a man is the answer. There are worse things than being single because you are average looking. I am being forced to get on with and plan my life with the assumption that nobody is ever going to come along. dykwim? I wasted decades hoping for that.

electra - just seen what you said about your parents/self-image. That rang a whole orchestra of bells with me! It's complicated, innit?

ItsGraceAgain, I know you from the NPD thread. Right now I have kind of made the decision to get my power and my buzz from being more confident, independent, strong, healthy & happy than I was before. I am not going to lie, if somebody could wave a magic wand and make me prettier I would say yes please, but perhaps this can be enough! well, it has to be.

Maggie, you seem to have the words to the song I'm trying to sing

I swear, "prettier" is largely a matter of hair, makeup and ATTITUDE. But is not an entirely beneficial quality ... eek, going too deep here??!

I think you just have to be careful to choose a partner who actually likes women and isn't at core a sexist. Somebody who makes you feel beautiful but not so self-conscious that you can't wake up looking a bit crumpled and not worry. If you develop other parts of your personality and intelligence and don't get stuck in the shallow rut you might feel herded into when younger, you should be able to spot a scrote easily enough.

totally agree BitOfFun. Men of varying degrees of attractiveness themselves may or may not like women. They say we all end up with somebody who is roughly in our ball park (of attractiveness). But can you sense whether or not they like women?? I can now. Maybe I couldn't 20 years ago.

'I think you just have to be careful to choose a partner who actually likes women and isn't at core a sexist.'

You have hit the nail on the head. There are so many misogynists out there. My father included.

Grace - yes my parents have made me very confused about who I am. Physically and emotionally. It's horrible to realise that when you get older. As a teenager my mum told me constantly that I needed to lose weight (I wasn't fat) and now that I have body issues, don't really eat and need to be a size 6 to be happy, she despises me for that

My (soon to be 20!) daughter's extremely pretty ( whereas I'd say I was "interesting" looking ) and she has always gone for "quirky" looking boyfriends , her first proper bf was very Marylin Manson-esque and her second was a bit more normal, she's also very confident, fiesty and strong willed and doesn't put up with any crap, I am quite surprised that her new beau looks like he's stepped out of a boy band! He's almost prettier than she is and he's done all the chasing apparently.
As long as she's treated properly, I really don't think that looks matter.
Her friend is also v. pretty but blonde (DD is dark and size 10-12) and a size 6 - she seems to attract all the bastards , perhaps it's down to attitude?

Blimey, Electra, are you me???!!

If you haven't already seen it, you might like Susan Forward's "Toxic Parents"
There's also "When You & Your Mother Can't Be Friends" by Victoria Secunda
Very old now, but still very valid, Susie Orbach's "Fat Is A Feminist Issue" cured my eating disorders!

Good luck ... and, hey, at least we know how to be pretty. Gok Wan gets paid a fortune for that!

I would not call myself traditionally pretty at all, but prior to dcs I definitely had "the body" tall, leggy, slim, good boobs a bit "tits on a stick" for want of a better way of expressing it!

I too have been cold shouldered by women throughout my life due to my figure, and was subject to some pretty nasty workplace bullying due to female jealousy. Has made me quite mistrustful of other women tbh

Prior to dh I had low self-esteem and went out with some right a**ses, he's certainly had his moments too!

I admit to being vain and obsessive about my appearance, as I thought it was all i had going for me for many years. Also thought facially I was ugly, now I look back on old photos I realise this so isn't true, I was pretty in my younger days, just wish I'd appreciated this and not been so unhappy .

I have a friend who's like a more glam version of beyonce if such a thing exists. She's also a make-up artist and is head to toe designer, she's gorgeous. However she's been in 2 highly emotionally abusive relationships and is very much a trophy wife. She's lovely too such a shame.