Personality Disorder - any success stories of living with them?

[feelingpositivemum]

Just that really, is there anyone out there who has successfully changed the way they are and react to someone with a PD (abusive) to make a success of the relationship?

(Really, could I have changed the way I reacted to my exH and forced him to change his behaviour. Did my lack of boundaries make it worse, and if I developed some would he have responded positively?)

i challenged the judge iun court last time...my ex had been tagged so didnt come to court...judge said he'd order the telephone contact,as ex had requested it.....i said cafcass had already said telephone contace hadnt worked previously as he didnt stick to aranged time and daye,i then pointed out that his tag wasnt a problem physically and he could get special leave to attend court anyway....i pointed out that if he couldnt be botthered to come to court and i could then what does that say about his comittment to the children? i also pointed out that i'd left an ill child at home and the previous night we'd had a family bereavement. why wasnt he there??

judge then consulted his papers and said to my solicitor that an incident had been reported to ss the week before,of which we had noknowledge and that my ex had now been assessed by MAPPA to be a high risk....judge and 2 solicitors sat there wondering who MAPPA was,which i googled on my I touch and informed them!!! they were laughing about it but on reflection it wasnt funny....lack of communication

i would never be scared of any judge. they are human,and ours is rather nice. i know,some can be quite intimidatingn

There do not seem to be any success stories here. Just a trail of destruction and a load of bullshit from the partners who have PD's. Sorry if that is a bit blunt. But it took me years for the penny to drop with my H that, just because he sounds credible, it does not mean that what he says is not bullshit. I suppose I was very naive when I met him and had dealt with mostly straight people in life who were usually pretty genuine.

He is just more skilled at being manipulative than I ever will be, and I have told him, he will have the upper hand with me in this respect because he is better at being a bastard than I am. And he, too, is a high-functioning, intelligent (on a professional-level), seemingly credible person.

I am lucky in that my counsellor has personal experience of dealing with an N.

fpm - in my case, re. lack of boundaries. Mine were bit by bit eradicated over time by ongoing bullying/manipulation - physical/emotional, gradually wearing me down, so I didn't realise what was happening to me. My H chipped away at my confidence, bit by bit, I became more and more isolated, and the normal boundaries gradually diminished in an on-going 'process'.

Ours was really intimidating - he just explained how much power he had and how children always do better when they have contact with bio father. Sadly their step dad who has been loving them and taking care of them seems not to be of any importance in the process - apparently this is because we are not married so ex will not give me a divorce because then we can maryy - for instance, we cannot apply for a joint residence order.

my ex has has contact with ss, warned by them,contact with the police, warned by them, i have letters from teachers, doctors - really i have everything you could possibly need to find in favour of psycholical reports etc - but actually form what i am reading i cannot get a forensic psych test done unless i pay...

mine has not turned up to court a lot and has ignored many deadlines etc but for some reason all his paperwork has been admitted anyway - even reports from his mum and girlfriend against me which the previous judge said were inadmissable - they are still there, However, recently i found out that things from me, a report from ss when he tried to put them in care and letters from him claiming suicide are not in the file! all very alarming and i guess on an admin front a lawyer would have helped.

It is just a really extraordinary situation that if someone else told me about i would never believe because it seems so unfair.

he is now considered a high risk re further dv by worth in our area and our case is going before a multi agency thingy - i wonder if this will help?

"Has the personality disorder been diagnosed by an expert? If so what type and did your ex seek professional help?"

STIDW - many people with PD's can't acknowledge that the problem might lie with them therefore don't or won't seek help therefore go undiagnosed. That doesn't mean they don't have them. PD's generally show distinctive irrational behaviour patterns. As someone (a professional) once said to me: I know you aren't making this up, no-one could! The great thing about this forum is that we (the ones on the receiving end) recognise the signs, recognise the symptoms - and that in itself makes us feel that we are not going as mad as we are made to believe!

Borderliner - what a brave post and thank you for it because it has made me look at my stbx in a less harsh light. That said, you have empathy which many NPD's lack, my H for instance could never ever admit that there was anything wrong with him- its all my fault
and many of us need to seek the reassurance that we can find on these forums. I appreciate that the labelling of PDs must be awful to read and I for one, will try and be more careful with my choice of words in the future. But the bottom line for me is that I could have lived in a loveless marriage if my H could have managed the same with some degree of respect/humanity for me. But he couldn't and I don't deny it has left me both sad and very bitter.

sounds like a MAPPA assessment too tarty. its helping with my case

a forensic psych is alot moneywise,but i get legal aid,as does the ex,so got it done that way

also,why cant you just divorce him on unreasonable grounds? if he refuses to,you just need to have him make a reference to proceedings,you sign an afadavit to confirm he knows about it,and it goes ahead regardless. thats how i got mine when the ex tore the papers up and wouldnt let me do it. he text to say no way,that text was good enough for it to proceed

violet101 - yes, those of us who suffer/suffered being involved with a partner with PD do need reassurance that we are not mad. My H will never ever entertain the idea that there is anything wrong with him at all - everything is (in his book) my fault and always has been. And, no matter how cruel he has been, I should never react but should just (like a saint) accept whatever he behaves like, does, thinks. And there is, apparently, something wrong with me if I believe that married people actually 'love' each other, and that I should 'get real and grow up'. Years ago when he nearly strangled me - that did not happen and how dare I threaten to call the police on him (I didn't unfortunately).

violet101..I agree

Autumnlight...why are you still with this man? Although I am now in therapy with a CP, leaving was the saving of me and my DCs. My ex-H has really shown his true colours since we left, even in court, and I cannot believe I wasted so many years with him.

He is a pathological liar, and the feelings I had through the marriage that I was an 'outsider' to his family were confirmed by what I found out during the three years leading up to the final court appearance.

He is still telling lies now, and lied in court. But now, apart from the odd time i need to speak to him re the DCs, he is out of my life completely. That is a good feeling.

I can do whatever I wish without having to justify myself 24/7. The funny thing is that I don't actually do a lot of any significance! Just reading a book or listening to music is possible now without him making it unpleasant for me. That takes some getting used to!

Anyway, sorry for rambling on! But this could be you.

xxxx

Tiff - because i only have to now wait until october this year and its not worth the fight as the children matter is much more pressing and need to devote my time and energy to that - he will avoid it all but hes stated in lots of court documents that our separating date was 5 years ago in oct so it shouldnt be a problem and i do not need him to agree - just a priority thing - it does show where he is coming from though - never wanting to let go even though he has had new relationships.

I always wonder, how does he explain this people, never seeing his children, why he isn't divorced - obviously he lies but its very surreal

And mine too thinks he is absolutely right - absolutely convinced i am evil - mine used to go to the bother of beating me for instance and then calling the police saying i was throwing myself around and pretending i had been hit - it was all about the attention at the end of the day for him.

Mine has also just gone self employed again (being a spiritual healer and all...) one to avoid the csa and 2. i think to get legal aid so this could all be academic and i could be mauled again in court.

at the end of the day i have to see this through, i will try and get some sort of psych exam done because it is the crux of my issue but if it turns out badly then i will have to try and appeal i guess but it feels that this could be stretching out in front of me for many years to come.

Is it just peculiar to my H, or have others had an exH/P who is an avid watcher of any film/documentary to do with Nazi Germany? Maybe, he just is interested in history, or maybe I have just noticed this to be of interest to him because of the cruelty of the history involved and he seems to be fascinated by it. Just a thought!!!!!

FGTY - what do you mean about your being an outsider to his family?

TartyHH, how much does the psych assessment cost - and are you not having one done because you can't afford it?

because I personally would be more than happy to contibute and I am sure that a whip round among the posters on here would go a long way to paying for it.

I think a psych assessment of him would be very helpful in your case and is not something to be afraid of.

if you join health.groups.yahoo.com/group/WTOStaying/ you will come across many committed to their Pd partners...i did join for some insisght at one point, it was helpful but ultimately they are people committed to - in some cases (not all) - martyring their lives (just my view).

if you have Pd and recgonize it - is totally different to being around/with someone who doesnt recognize it... my exP has not been diagnosed but the closese psychiatrist came was saying that all the baheviours i had listed to her as being concerning to me were "personality not mental health issues" and she could not help me - .... or him - beacuse he didnt recognize he had a problem it was all my fault

• she said i had to deal with it as relationship issues/domestic abuse and take appropriate action.

which i did by leaving... but still have to deal with him on ongoing basis with contact issues etc.

see also
health.groups.yahoo.com/group/WelcomeToOz/ This list is for people who need support because they are coping with someone in their life who has borderline personality disorder (or traits of BPD). This can cause much anxiety, depression, confusion, isolation, etc. People on this list know what you're going through and are here to help!

This list is mainly for non-BP partners: married, single, gay or straight. You can also join lists for partners in specific kinds of situations such as staying or divorcing. We also offer more specialized lists for adult children of BPD parents; parents with BPD offspring; grandparents, siblings, people coparenting with a BP ex, Christians, GLBT, men only, women only, and professionals. See BPDCentral.com.

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I have exILs who have circled the wagons and excluded me -- exH now has his Dear Mother's undivided love and concern and both he and she are happy at last. ExH's whole family take their orders from my exMIL, all live within spitting distance of her, and all still troop around for dinner on Sunday. The apron strings are good and tight there. They complain in private, but everyone goes all the same. The SILs and BILs haven't called either. None of them has contacted me for about four years now, except one very, very weird phone call last year from exMIL to say 'goodbye' and that 'we'll always have the good times' to remember.

I'm actually quite relieved that I've been dropped from the 'MIL Show' cast of characters. There was always a lot of drama with that woman, and she was downright cruel to me the last time we spoke face to face.

FGTY -- Isn't it nice not to have to justify yourself and the little things you choose to do? We have all been so much more relaxed since separating. The effect on the children was a marvel to see.

Tarty Is self-employment and a show of altruism or service to others a common theme here? Plus a creepy seeking of psychic or business intimacy on some level? Mine couldn't work with others; he felt he was the only one who ever got anything done, everyone else was 'lazy', 'feckless', 'ethically challenged' projection every last word of it. He let his disdain of others show, so dazzled was he by his own brilliance; it was so hard for him when nobody else seemed to appreciate him the way his mother always did. He does free legal aid with a church organisation, getting involved in the lives of victims of white collar crime, people discriminated against in the workplace, etc.
The 'personally developed code of ethics' beats all. I think my ex has one of those himself, but he doesn't have a web page.

Autumnlight -- mine is into all things ancient Greek, philosophy, death...

(tarty, just so you know - googling that excerpt means I can find your ex's website. Not sure if you want to be that identifiable).

tarty get your post of 13:59:09 deleted.

nickname i did the same and think the post should be deleted..eek

Mathanxiety, my ex was into ancient Greece and philosophy too! And autumn, he kept watching and rewatching "The Last King of Scotland" and felt that poor Idi Amin was simply misunderstood.

And he includes a reference to his ethical approach and his interest in human rights on his CV.

And the time he dislocated my finger (not as bad as the strangling some here have experienced) was ever after referred to in self-pitying tones as The Time You Told The Police Lies About Me.

autumnlight.....how odd!!! my ex was OBSESSED with nazi germany. he collected nazi uniform/medals etc,wheels and deals on ebay and had our house searched by military police who believed he'd sold a fake on ebay (he was also int he army before being chucked out for his behaviour)

he also belongs to german re-enactment groups.....he's sick!

Tarty, that website would scare me even if I didn't know the background! Why is he wearing lipstick?
Fwiw, I don't see why you should delete your post. Keeping their stories secret is one of the many ways we damage ourselves for them.

Autumn, XH#1 was obsessed with Nazi-bilia, too. I think he enjoyed the air of stylish & disciplined power. Not that all Nazi stuff collectors are mad (afaik).
When are you going to make your exit?

All - I am on the breadline, but would certainly contribute a few quid to Tarty's Fund. Nice idea, UnlikelyAmazonian

My ex was obsessed with ancient greece and battles. When he Ran Away to shag whores in Thailand, he took the Odyssey, Ovid and the Illiad with him. My my how he must have taken bangland by storm.

Altogether now.... WANKER!

ooo and notice the rictus smile?