Personality Disorder - any success stories of living with them?

[feelingpositivemum]

Just that really, is there anyone out there who has successfully changed the way they are and react to someone with a PD (abusive) to make a success of the relationship?

(Really, could I have changed the way I reacted to my exH and forced him to change his behaviour. Did my lack of boundaries make it worse, and if I developed some would he have responded positively?)

Tiffany- Of course we do! I am very far from being perfect!

The crucial difference is that if someone said to me ' you are upsetting me by doing x, y z..please stop it' I would try my utmost to stop it.

Someone with a PD cannot not or will not stop it. And often, (IME)they do x,y, z MORE because they know you don't like it.

A PD is a persistent and life-long disorder of personality such that it impinges on all aspects of their life, and their family's/ friend's lives.

Non-PDs ( talking Ns here) grow and change with life-experience and hopefully become 'better people'.

And to the poster who said that they improve with age.. this directly contrasts with my experience which has seen them grow worse as they age.

And yes, Ns have been described throughout history. They exist in all cultures.

my ex has got worse with age too. he's 44 now...

but he also got worse once living alone,without me to rein him in a little if that makes sense? with no responsibility,as i have the dc with me,he is wose than ever..i at least attempted to get him to appointments/take meds/look at his behaviour

Anyfucker - he is tremendously scary.

The thing is he's actually very nice on a surface level and manipulative on an amazing level. The guru stage is just another phase he is going through and thank god i am not living with him. He talks to me (even in court) as if he has special knowledge that no one else shares - not even the judge....

I am an extremely tough cookie but completely terrified of him and absolutely unable to be free of him because we have children together and he loves a courtroom drama. I agree with what someone else said earlier about getting away and staying away. I actually do have a very happy life aside form this. a lovely partner another lovely little boy and expecting another but i know as soon as he knows i am pregnant he will drag me into court again on something or other. My partner and i are very strong but it must be hard for him to watch his family fall apart as soon as the ex makes an appearance.

We have got an escape plan to France if he keeps on coming becuase my oldest daughter in particular is very frightened. The week before last he just walked up to me as i put the children in the car in town and stood there - said nothing. Terrifying.

I know it is wrong to say but i hope the suicide statistic goes in my favour and he does the right thing and ends it. Bad of me I know but it would be the right thing for my entire family. I know i can never ever forgive or forget what he has done whether he is ill or not.

TIFF -but he also got worse once living alone,without me to rein him in a little if that makes sense?

this was true of us too

Yes Tiffany...they have been shown to get much worse when influential figures die or leave. For example the death of a parent who has kept the worst excess at bay can lead to a crisis which can result in greater, or indeed the first, self-awareness they have ever had, or can lead down a more rocky path.

My father, who was absolutely impossible to deal with on any level got much worse after a stroke. My very elderly mother is deteriorating very fast now. The nastiness my ex-H only let show in flashes throughout our long marriage has now been given full rein, and is not disguised.

frankie - during our marriage flashes ocurred and passed and then when the marriage really fell to bits it all kicked off and then after several months when i asked him to actually leave the house all hell was unleashed on us - even though he had finished the relationship with me because he was sexually confused.

Interestingly, he told me that he started to despise me when he saw how weak i was when i was caring for my terminally ill mother and then during her death - he found my weakness completely repellent and it made him hate me... isn't that weird.

i think it is because he based so much of his life on me - i was on a huge pedestal; he just sort of bolted himself onto my life and my mothers illness came at the same time as we had out first baby and the focus was not on him - things started to go downhill.

tarty, I absolutely do not blame you for feeling that it would be a tremendous favour he could do for your family by erasing himself off the face of the planet

the trouble is, just losing his physical presence would not remove the psychological damage he has done, and continues to do

But it does remove the threat - the damage is being remedied - my oldest has amazing help from nspcc but it is difficult for that to help when we have the threat of contact hanging over us - becuase he will get it for sure and the dance starts again

I would just like a break from it all becuase time would heal us just we cannot get away from it

Maybe time to run to France or indeed further?

no, stay right where you are

ugh. ugh.

So want to join in but finding it very difficult. tarty I identify with all that you are saying. npd sounds like. I dont bloody care who shouts us down either.

I have read lots about it all. PDs overlap etc. Course they do. Psychology, personality, cognitive thinking, neurons, yes it's all complex. We are amateurs.

But we do understand how we nearly died at the hands of someone who had the capacity to nearly kill is with their 'stuff.'

re previous poster saying you are a vulnerable section of society. I know that. We all know that. Those of us who have suffered immeasureably I mean. We tied our blasted best to help and support them. It was never going to work, but we didn't know that.

In even thinking that it is 'all personal' makes you a bit frightening to me.

Those who are getting help and/ or medication, fantastic. But most don't. Most don't. Most do not. Mine didn't.

I don't give a fig if I contribute nothing all of this as reading all the posts makes me feel quite ill with remembering.

Frankie your posts are very sad my love.

tarty and itsgraceagain, I am shoulder to shoulder with you in the chorus - we sing from the same songsheet.

We should not feel bad because we got out and are surviving. We owe it to our children.

oh and don't foget, NPD is the new NM buzzword.

Unlike AIBU which even has its own section.

AIBU is the new MN buzzword

Maybe alot of MN's have my experience. They have finally got some counselling for themselves and the trained counsellor has identified what we have been dealing with, and helping us to re-wire our brains from it all.

I think the comment about being amateurs is very relevant. Unless someone is impartial and can consider the facts before them objectively, has extensive knowledge of mental illness, considerable experience of diagnostic tools and access to them they are unlikely to be able to diagnose personality disorders reliably. Diagnosis of personality disorders is difficult enough for seasoned professionals and even then they don't always get it right eg misreading post-traumatic symptoms as part of someone's basic personality.

It is behaviour which is important and labels don't actually matter that much other than to help classify people for statistical and research purposes. Labels can be hurtful, lead to stigma and are often used abusively eg moron, psycho. Someone attaching a laymen's label of mental illness to support their plight to save face and to discredit and/or silence another person is just another form of abuse.

I am trying to change the way I react with my H. Buy this is for my own self-survival and because I now analyse his behaviour - but, unfortunately, it does not change all the damage and horrible experiences/upset/hurt/confusion which has taken place already over the years being with this person.

Maybe, I should have just taken on board years ago that - when someone with NPD says - I don't care, I don't give a f... they really don't.

STIDW - it is of course true that labels do not help but i can tell you if i were in a situation with someone else who identified as having this disorder bpd in this case - i would run a mile - it might be wrong of me but there it is.

Autumlight - i guess that is all you can do to protect yourself but agreed, it doesn't take away from what has happened - my difficulty is my children and the threat i feel they are under. My ex's behaviour towards me (and them to a lesser degree) is not seen as a reason for them not seeing him - even though they don't want to either. Very difficult for me even to get his medical records into court as everyone seems to think it is not relevent.

My ex once said to me, yes of course i love my children but i hate you more...... i thought it was bravado at the time but i should have taken him at his word.

autumnlight - are you still living in this situation or have you parted?

Being with someone with NPD is hard because, speaking personally, you are not allowed to be human and if you require anything of that nature from them, you are high maintenance. It is therefore a totally superficial kind of a relationship, anyway. Maybe I should have noticed from the start that I could never actually be myself with that person.

Yes, I am still in my marriage and I am seeing a counsellor. I wish I had seen her years ago though.

Yes you have to remember that none of this is personal and you do have to be very self sufficient to cope with these situations because like you said, relying on them is not an option. I really hope you are going to be ok, sounds a very difficult situation but not violent i trust? Still this sort of emotional neglect is hard to take especially when it has gone on for so long - i really got lost in the middle of it. Now out of the other side I am much more aggressive and proactive in protecting my daughters as I cannot change what he has done to me.

I am so pleased you have found someone who can help you - it would of course be better if the person with the problem sought help too.

With dangerous ex's, ask in court for a forensic psychiatric asessment. It will diagnose if it's pd and will bring medical records into court for you to see!

I have only just found this out recently actually as i am representing myself (as have no money for solicitor as still paying off debts he left for me) - someone on here told me how to do that - we had a situation in which the cafcass officer requested the records but no one would pay for them (he refused) to be printed..... so back to square one now. Cafcass officer has gone off long term sick so another is being appointed along with a solicitor for the children, so hopefully i can get that done when we go back to sourt. My own fault really as was told at the beginning the DV is not grounds for stopping contact so was told to play down the things he had done.... i have never ever laboured the point in court but it is getting critical now so yes i will ask for one - and then at least i can prove what i know (inc. suicidal stuff)

like i sadi running away is a last but real option for us so if it all fucks up that is what i will do.

He already had a diagnosis which i have seen from private doctor paid for by mummy dearest - i have no idea which doctor but my goodness i wish i had a copy now - i saw it when i was silly enough to think he would do the right thing for his children, not yet realising he was totally incapable.

thh - yes, unfortunately, there has been alot of DV in my situation in the past. You can never trust a person who has done that to you again, and know they are capable of terrible things. It was pretty horrendous and came to end, for the most part, when SS got involved.

My sister maybe hit the nail on the head, in a basic way, when on first knowing my H she said "he is cold". However, as is usual in these situations, outside of my family, I am pretty sure the majority of people my H deals with would ever think this - in fact, the opposite.

But, personally speaking, I am not mentally in the same place I was years ago.