how do you deal with a dh that sulks for days on end

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Basically, we havent spoken for days. It (as usual) was over something quite trivial but he goes off in a sulk and completely shuts down and blanks me for days on end.

If I try to talk to him he brings the whole situation up and still insists that he was in the right. This happens quite regular, and we go through the same scenario each time ie, he blanks me for days on end and then after a few days when he's had enough he will just say to me "well are we gonna carry this on or are we gonna forget it all and be friends". Its so frustrating that he does this. And, it upsets me to be totally ignored, so much so that he will come in from work and not even say hello, he will walk past me in the house. He is fine with the DC.

Ive tried talking to him about it but he just says that I piss him off sometimes and thats how he deals with it. But, to be honest, more often than not, its him whose being unreasonable, he is very blinkered with everything.

He makes me feel so alone and fed up when he does this.

i wouldnt be dealing with it because i'd be gone!
sorry,but how long have you been putting up with this??

What a horrible atmosphere for you and the children. Kids really notice frosty tension between parents, its just as bad as shouting and arguing in my book.

Tiffany, for the last few years really, probably since the dc arrived. He definitely has problems with communication and I know that stems from his upbringing. They are not a close family and show no affection whatsoever.

I cant beleive I'm saying this really, but ive thought about this alot recently. He's a fantastic dad, very hands on, has lots of patience and gives lots of time to our dc. But, with me, he treats me differently. He's not abusive towards me in any way, just very cold.

I have thought about leaving him, but it would be a hell of a mess. We would have to sell the home and would both struggle to buy somewhere else. And the DC would be devastated. I honestly couldnt do it to them. And I do want it to work, I really do, but I cant/wont be treated like this forever.

I really would prefer some advice on how to change dh.

well you cant change him. you really cant. he would have to want to change himself. does he admit he has a problem?

and as for not wanting to harm your dc through leaving their father,do you not think you are teaching them how adult relationships work? do you not think they will pick up on their dafs behaviour and possibly copy this. you and dh are the role models they have for husban/wife relatonships.

I agree that it will be very very hard, if not impossible to change him. And his behaviour is just so unacceptable - so selfish, more than anything else. You certainly won't get anywhere unless he concedes that it's an unacceptable way to behave and he wants to sort it out.

And I'm a firm believer that children are happiest when their parents are happy, whether together or apart. You sound far from happy - do you want to still be putting up with sulks when you're 60?

all you can do is think about yourself and whether you're prepared to carry on like this. you've already said that he won't discuss or talk about it in any reasonable way, and it is just not possible to change another human being. to say it, but if i were you i would think seriously about your future together. he needs to grow up a bit!

Sorry - you've already answered that, and that's why you wnat to change him. But you can't do anything without his cooperation, and to get that it will have to be ultimatum time - he has to really understand how it makes you feel. Would it be easier to write it down than talk to him?

My dad has always done this. I cannot describe what a horrible, horrible environment it is to grow up in. We used to call them his "silences" and they would go on for days, usually over something trivial such as a light bulb going, or my sister and I giggling, or my mum doing something minor. I grew up terrified of rocking the boat in any way at all, and am still very reluctant to challenge anyone or speak out, because of the fear of causing an atmosphere - which is ridiculous, but it's had a massive effect on my confidence.

My poor old mum still lives with it at the age of 68, although she now ignores him when he does this and goes off and does her own thing. She's a lovely woman, and has put up with this horrible atmosphere for years, because when he's not in one of his silences he's lovely (well, I'm not so forgiving, but there you are...). He has now been diagnosed as bi-polar, but he's not really improved and refuses to discuss his medication with the doctor. I sometimes think he quite likes behaving that way....

Your DH sounds very like my dad. I can only say that it will be having much more of an effect on your children that you realise, and that it's really down to you as to whether you want to put up with it for the rest of your life, or whether you think he could be persuaded to see a GP for a referral to a CPN or someone who could help him. Good luck - it's truly awful.

can you both set out steps to deal with your behaviour when you have a disagreement. sulking for day son end is shite. if he won't deal with it tell him to get tae fuck. honestly can you imagine the next 50 years living with this arse

I dealt with it by divorcing my ex-dh who behaved like this.

he's ok with the kids now, but as they grow older and more bolshy he'll start doing it to them too.

i think you need to impress on him how important it is that he sort this out. like talk to you as soon as he's pissed off!

what a fucking baby he is

I would deal with it by divorcing an individual like this because I wouldn't accept such behaviour from my children, much less an adult.

And it's a shitty shite example for your kids to see.

Would you like your daughter to live with a person like this? Or your son to find behaving like this acceptable (good luck finding someone to put up with it!)?

Are money and houses really worth being miserable?

Is he a Libran by any chance? My DP does this too and it's soooo frustrating. He's not done it for a while and the only thing I've learnt to do is to just carry on as normal and eventually he comes out of it. Worrying about what I've done or could do to make things better makes it worse and just makes me feel rotten. Getting annoyed that he hasn't apologised for the way his sulk has made me feel doesn't get anywhere either.
I can't change his behaviour, but I can change mine.
His Dad was the same apparently and I don't think you can change him, maybe just carry on as normal and pretend you don't notice his sulk - same as if it was a child throwing a tantrum. I think it's the same thing really!

My dad is a Virgo...does his star sign excuse the behaviour?

Ive just gone upstairs to him and told him how I feel. I told him that he treats me differently to what he treats others. I told him that he is making me unhappy and I dont want to be treated like this any more.

I was crying and he just said that he thinks its unfair that I'm blaming him for everything. I tried to explain that it wasnt the disagreements that I was referring to but the way he treats me afterwards.

I was sobbing and telling him that I dont want to live like this any longer. I told him that he is a great dad and the dc love him to bits but that he isnt being a good husband and I am seriously thinking about what happens next. He just sat there silent so I said that I didnt have anything else to say and stood there for a few seconds, waiting for his response but there was none. So I have come back downstairs and thats that basically. Typical behaviour from him.

Have you tried taking the piss out of him mercilessly when he sulks? Get the kids to join in as well 'ooh, look, daddy's being a growlypants again, poor daddy, goodness, look at that sulky face! Come on daddy, have a sweetie and let's all play nicely again.'
I'm quite serious BTW. You've tried asking him nicely and it hasn't worked, so if he persists in behaving like a toddler, treat him like one.

dh is a sulker. not for days. but he is a sulker. drives me mad. watching with interest.

Would he see his GP for advice?

what would his gp do ?

give him an anti-juvenile-baby pill ?

star signs ? bollocks

Sulking is childish, passive aggressive, manipulative, attention-seeking and designed to get you jumping through hoops

sobbing at him is counterproductive

tell him to fuck off out of it, until he can be nice

how pathetic he is, and you are playing into his hands by crying and pleading for understanding

Was he sulky like this before you married?

so he's cold towards you as well. do you think he loves you?

dh doesn't sulk over trivial things. he only sulks after a big argument, which we have rarely. then he just says he needs space. which seems reasonable. he is quite chilly for me for a day or a couple of days.
whereas i don't sulk. i just argue and then get on with it. normaly i feel relieved after an argument,. releases tension.

OP is the thing that bothers you the fact is that it is over trivial things ?

snurk @ starsigns