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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

how do you deal with a dh that sulks for days on end

111 replies

brook1 · 28/01/2010 20:14

Basically, we havent spoken for days. It (as usual) was over something quite trivial but he goes off in a sulk and completely shuts down and blanks me for days on end.

If I try to talk to him he brings the whole situation up and still insists that he was in the right. This happens quite regular, and we go through the same scenario each time ie, he blanks me for days on end and then after a few days when he's had enough he will just say to me "well are we gonna carry this on or are we gonna forget it all and be friends". Its so frustrating that he does this. And, it upsets me to be totally ignored, so much so that he will come in from work and not even say hello, he will walk past me in the house. He is fine with the DC.

Ive tried talking to him about it but he just says that I piss him off sometimes and thats how he deals with it. But, to be honest, more often than not, its him whose being unreasonable, he is very blinkered with everything.

He makes me feel so alone and fed up when he does this.

OP posts:

Paolosgirl · 28/01/2010 21:09

The GP can check to see if he's depressed, or refer him to for CBT. I

If he wants to change that's more productive that telling him to fuck off - but you wouldn't know that unless you'd lived with it.

poshsinglemum · 28/01/2010 21:09

I think his behaviour is abusive actually. Ignoring his own wife? For days on end?
Sounds really childish and horrid.He's basically punishing you. What a shit.

sanfairyann · 28/01/2010 21:11

the silence when you spoke to him afterwards is probably him not being able to express his emotions rather than anything more sinister. how often does he have these mammouth sulks? is it worth it for the rest of the time together?
tbh the worst thing you can do is start crying and trying to get an emotional response out of him - I don't see you having any luck with that. how does he respond to a very cold and calm discussion and you laying down the law about how it makes you feel? have you tried telling him how you are going to respond next time he does it? I recommend booking lots of evenings out for you by yourself, don't talk to him til he's ready to talk to you, take the piss a bit with the kids to show them you are not remotely bothered and he is being an arse, and keep busy busy busy with your exciting life without him.

GypsyMoth · 28/01/2010 21:13

depression?? that old chestnut!!

true depression is actually not as common as we are led to believe...but the anti d's get doled out anyway left right and centre as there is no answer half the time.

and if he's only like this with you and not others....well,its to do with how he feels about his marriage.

Mumcentreplus · 28/01/2010 21:14

my DH was a former sulker..he did not talk to his father for 2yrs and they lived in the same house!...at the time we were not a couple but I really encouraged him to think about how he was acting and if it truly was beneficial to both him and his father..
have you really spoken to him about how you feel ..how his actions make you feel..how it affects his children?..do you think he loves you? its obvious he loves his children do you think that could be a motivation for him?..
sometimes its just an awful habit and weird form of protection for him..stops him from facing problems and shifts them to the other person in his mind..

harecare · 28/01/2010 21:15

I agree with solid gold brass, it's a much faster way to get him out of a grump and laughing at himself.

Original poster

brook1 · 28/01/2010 21:18

Tiffany, I think he does love me in his own funny way. Although he's only ever told me twice in 15 years, he really struggles to show affection/emotion towards me and that has always been the case.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 28/01/2010 21:18

'I agree with solid gold brass, it's a much faster way to get him out of a grump and laughing at himself.'

I've seen some sulkers get absolutely apoplectic at such an approach.

I'm also getting a bit fed up, as a depressed person myself, with depression being used an excuse for every abominable behaviour going from murdering your own children to not bothering to get yourself dressed regularly to blanking your own wife for days on end over something trivial.

AnyFucker · 28/01/2010 21:18

I very much doubt that OP trying to jolly him out of it is going to make him see the error of his ways.....

I would love to be proved wrong...

expatinscotland · 28/01/2010 21:21

He's depressed, AnyFucker.

Maybe so.

Maybe he's just an emotionally stunted person who's obviously quite happy being so otherwise he'd have taken steps to change long ago because he couldn't bare hurting the person he loved or allowing his kids to witness such wanky behaviour.

SolidGoldBrass · 28/01/2010 21:22

However, laughing at him as opposed to crying over his childish selfish behaviour will make the OP feel better, with any luck. And might teach him that sulking is not going to get him his own way. And if he is getting his jollies by reducing the OP to tears, having her not oblige any more might also get him to change his behaviour.

Original poster

brook1 · 28/01/2010 21:22

AF - knowing him as I do, I doubt that would work either.

OP posts:

Paolosgirl · 28/01/2010 21:23

I also have depression - my dad has bi-polar, and depression runs in his family. One of my great uncles committed suicide by shooting himself in the head. Believe me, I'm not one to use depression lightly to excuse anything. And as anyone with depression also knows, you can't be jollied out of it..

What about CBT? If he wants to learn how to modify his behaviour, that's a really good thing to try.

Mumcentreplus · 28/01/2010 21:24

just read your post...you need to show him how hes acting...sometimes you have to wait until the waters are calm before to approach the subject...when you speak to him and he's in arse-mode he just wont listen..

AnyFucker · 28/01/2010 21:26

paolosgirl, I sympathise with your mental health issues

but this man doesn't sound depressed

he sounds like a twat

Original poster

brook1 · 28/01/2010 21:26

Its so difficult not to get upset though. When he does this he makes me feel so empty and alone.

If you knew him in rl you would never in a million years think he could be like this. All his (and my) friends think he is such a laugh. We are always out and about with the dc and everyone thinks we are the perfect family.

Even though I am getting the silent treatment we will probably go out as a family at the weekend. We will manage to have a full day out with only essential talk and one-word answers. And the DC dont appear to notice and enjoy themeselves regardless.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 28/01/2010 21:30

this is why I don't think he is depressed

he saves his twatty behaviour just for you...how thoughtful of him

don't think the dc's don't notice...they do

BitOfFun · 28/01/2010 21:32

Oh gawd, don't talk to me about sulkers- I went to Paris the city of love with an ex who didn't talk to me until day three of the long weekend when I was forced to apologise for whatever imagined slight it was just to be able to endure the flight home. Utter arse.

I'm not sure you can fix it, tbh.

Ivykaty44 · 28/01/2010 21:34

what would happen if when he decides to make up, you were to say - actually no not until you say sorry and actually mean it.

Would he carry on ? It seems he likes to call the shots - thats why I ask wondering if I have this right.

Paolosgirl · 28/01/2010 21:35

My dad sounds like a prat on paper! OK, he is a prat - but he was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder 2 years ago. 40 years too late, but there we go. I'm not saying that the OP's has depression, bi-polar or who knows what else - but there might be something there. None of us here can tell, that's for sure.

All I know is that if my dad had gone to his doctor years ago like we all begged him to, he could have been medicated and helped. Who knows..?

I'll say it again - is CBT worth a go?

BlackLetterDay · 28/01/2010 21:38

God I really feel for you I grew up in a household where my Mother did this, to the kids too and it's so damaging and passive aggressive. She would ignore us for days on end, I adapted by doing the same to her by going to sit in my room. This then allowed her when she finally came out of her funk to come up to my room and throw a "why are you doing this to me" type fit . God writing that it's no wonder I'm fucked up.

As for dealing with it erm no clue, it's obviously different because you need to communicate with him. I woul try what a pp said, be bright and breezy and go about your day, try to go out as much as possible, then you are not rewarding or feeding his behaviour.

Dp is not a sulker or one to hold grudges but not great on the communication front. If I'm feeling neglected or rejected by him I often find myself slipping into this kind of behaviour. I try my hardest not to though, it takes a lot for me to try and talk about emotions etc irl, but I force myself because I would hate to end up like my Mother.

sanfairyann · 28/01/2010 21:41

your reaction to his sulks makes it more worthwhile for him to carry on the sulk. he knows it's having an effect. with practice, which it sounds like you might get, you can become hardened to this completely and ignore his sulks. honestly! and then when he says is it time to finish yet? have a good long think about how you feel aobut that before you agree

TheCrackFox · 28/01/2010 21:41

I've tried to go into a sulk but the longest I can last is 10 minutes. It is incredibly hard work.

I think you need to speak to your DH when he is in a normal mood and explain how rude, petty and childish you are finding it all. Also stress that it isn't fair on the DCs. I would suggest CBT so he can learn to communicate in a grown up way.

Original poster

brook1 · 28/01/2010 21:43

Black letter, my mum used to do this too. She did it to my dad and also to me, it used to drive me mad. I think that is why I am so different, in that if me & DH have a disagreement I like to draw a line under it and forget about it. The silent treatment is a bit like torture really, dont you think?

OP posts:

Original poster

brook1 · 28/01/2010 21:45

I will look into cbt and when he comes round I will see if he will talk about it.

OP posts:

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