how do you deal with a dh that sulks for days on end

[brook1]

Basically, we havent spoken for days. It (as usual) was over something quite trivial but he goes off in a sulk and completely shuts down and blanks me for days on end.

If I try to talk to him he brings the whole situation up and still insists that he was in the right. This happens quite regular, and we go through the same scenario each time ie, he blanks me for days on end and then after a few days when he's had enough he will just say to me "well are we gonna carry this on or are we gonna forget it all and be friends". Its so frustrating that he does this. And, it upsets me to be totally ignored, so much so that he will come in from work and not even say hello, he will walk past me in the house. He is fine with the DC.

Ive tried talking to him about it but he just says that I piss him off sometimes and thats how he deals with it. But, to be honest, more often than not, its him whose being unreasonable, he is very blinkered with everything.

He makes me feel so alone and fed up when he does this.

My stepdad is like this. I used to get really angry with him for treating my Mum like crap. Now I get just as angry at her for letting him get away with it for all these years.

Don't let your children grow up around that kind of atmosphere. It's shit.

Just ignore him until he decides to come round. You can't make him stop sulking but you can change how you deal with it.

I totally disagree with the suggestion of encouraging the children to laugh at their dad when he sulks, sorry. Agree with doing it yourself if you can, but organising the children to take sides against a parent, even when that parent is behaving unreasonably, is a horrible slippery slope and is more likely to make him furious than to get through to him in a positive way. He's not being grumpy to them, anyway. OK, I'm probably biased, as XH used to encourage the DCs to laugh at me, one of quite a few things I will never forgive. Bullying the bully in return is not assertive, it's... well, it's bullying innit? Two wrongs don't etc. Off hobbyhorse now.

XH could have sulked for England, btw. Only he would never admit it was sulking as "that's something children do". No, actually, it's a description of a certain kind of behaviour, and no dictionary in the world specifies an age. Likewise he was never "jealous" because only teenagers are jealous. I bet you didn't know that.

If you can get him to see that it's not acceptable behaviour, see how much it upsets you and get him to want to change, then you're more than half way there, I'd say. Good luck

annie, I agree re, getting the kids to laugh at him

that is shit, tbh

they should be protected from his idiotic moods as much as possible

in my book, that would include telling my DH to fuck off out of it until he could be nice

fgs...what a lesson to teach kids !

'I went to Paris the city of love with an ex who didn't talk to me until day three of the long weekend when I was forced to apologise for whatever imagined slight it was just to be able to endure the flight home. Utter arse.'

I did, too! Only I told him to get the hell out of my range of vision or I would. He ran off to Chamonix to climb with his skanky, desperate ex.

Whereupon I met a fit bloke, another climber, and spent the next 5 days barely leaving that hotel room for shagging each other rotten.

It is brook1, total mental torture. Her sulks would end in a big discussion and then hugs and back to normal until next time. I follow this pattern too tbh, I hold everything in until it all spurts out. I am trying to change though, but it's hard, I find it near on impossible to talk about my feelings , and my self esteem is non-existant.

Brook, I'm amazed nobody has pointed this out yet ... When a man loves his wife, if is sobbing in front of him, saying she's so unhappy she can't bear it - how would you expect that man to respond?

In fact, how would you expect any person to respond, from a friend to the local shopkeeper?

He didn't even offer you a tissue, for heaven's sake.

He may be a complete dick, but assuming you did choose your children's father wisely, please try the "not bothered" approach to his sulks. My dp really hasn't had a good one for ages since I decided not to let them affect me.
The great thing about this approach is that he is the only one that suffers from his own sulkiness. You do need to feel quite confident in your relationship to adopt a good humoured approach to this behaviour.
It is like torture, he should apologise for the way it makes you feel, but he may not. Can you forgive him for that? I have forgiven my dp and I feel much better for it.

grace, you are right

what sort of person does that ?

not a person I would like to know...

my DH used to do this (he has bipolar also not sure how relevant this is though) When I got upset he retreated more because upsetting me was too much for him to take so he had to pretend it wasn't happening IYSWIM. He is much better now but we have both changed - Relate helped a lot. I no longer run after him if he seems upset - I just calmly tell him he has to talk after allowing him some space. He no longer retreats into long sulks because he understands how it affects me.

Sorry itsgraceagain, but when I have done this with my dp it actually makes him more cold. This would then make me cry more (like a child having a tantrum) and he would ignore until I was talking more rationally.
It does NOT mean he doesn't love me, just that he doesn't give in to this sort of behaviour.

The bottom line seems to be - after reading all the posts - whether you are willing to put up with it for possibly the rest of your life. If you feel that you can just do as my mum does, and other posters on here do, which is to ignore it and go about your daily life until he comes out of it - and if you feel that your children will come out of it unscathed, then you have a future together. It just seems to me that it's an awful lot to put up with for the next 40 or 50 years - but plenty of people (including my lovely mum) do..

I agree with (I think it was) mumcentreplus..

His behaviour is abusive, albeit slightly.

If you can think of it like this, and get slightly angry it might help you.

I think you need to somehow show him some VERY clear boundaries here.

Stop tiptoeing around him.

Stop feeling intimidated by him.

Understand that you do not have to live like that.

Inform him calmly and clearly, NOT EMOTIONALLY, that being ignored for several days by him is simply not acceptable to you.

When he says that is just the way he deals with it when you irritate him, tell him calmly and clearly that even if he is irritated you will not accept it.

Do not try to empathise or discuss the matter (that can come later) with him, just tell him it is not acceptable. Then leave the room.

If he continues, pick up the kids and go out for the day.

If he still continues, take the kids and go to stay overnight with family, friends, in a hotel...wherever. (this might be a pain to organise but will get his attention much more quickly than rivers of tears)

If he still continues, then maybe you should think about leaving.

good advice mumonthenet

ta af.

yours is too.

hope you're ok Brook. Keep posting.

Im so sorry for you Brook.
Hope you resolve things soon.

more nodding going on here

I don't think choosing your dc's father wisely has much to do with it. None of us would marry potentially abusive or sulky men if they pitched up wearing a t shirt proclaiming that they had abusive tendencies.

This kind of treatment builds up very gradually, until one day you look round and wonder what the hell has happened to your marriage.

Brook I feel for you, it must be awful living like this.

OP, leaving can work in 2 ways - it reconnects you with family or friends and reminds you how great you are and it will teach dh what an arse he's being. While I do advocate ignoring from my experience, I have also stayed with a friend once and gone to my Mum's for a week.
I hope you get things sorted out. If he is a dick- rather than just acting like one - he always will be, but you are probably a wonderful person so don't let him make you think otherwise.

My DH has a tendency to do this. Quite honestly I find the best way to deal with it is ignore it. I'll usually ask once if I've done something to piss him off, or if he wants to talk about what's bothering him, and if I don't get a sensible answer I just go on with my life until he snaps out of it.

It is tough the first few times you do it, but it gets easier, and as with children, ignoring the bad behaviour is often the quickest way to get rid of it.

DH does it considerably less often now than he used to (we've been together 14 years). He also comes from a rather non-expressive, old-fashioned, 'stiff upper lip' type family and is a Libra too, so perhaps there is something in the star sign theory after all!

brook - I am putting myself on the line a bit here but I hope it helps. I am a sulker. I used to be a dreadful sulker and it could go on for days - it would take that long for the fit to pass. I used to try and gee myself out of it but it didn't work until it had actually passed. Anyone laughing at me or tryng to joly me out of it was entirely counter-productive and would deepen the sulk, if anything. I also have problems communicating when things upset me - I physically find it difficult to speak to the person who has upset me. HOWEVER - it was usually fairly major things that upset me - well, they were to me anyway.

Time and space are the things that work - in other words ignore it (not him) and carry on being normal yourself - I do appreciate it is horrible for you but you yourself have said that your DH grew up in a non-communicative, cold household - how was he to learn to behave otherwise?

I have had counselling and done courses in NLP (you have to do the exercises as well) and both these things have helped me reduce my sulking and improve my communication ability enormously - but I find that I still cannot quite get over things until I have had my say completely, iyswim. It hangs over me - that I haven't been heard or understood properly - and I have to get it all out, like some kind of toxin, before the sulk clears. This now takes much less time than it used to.

No doubt others on this thread will consider that I too am completely juvenile and should just grow up - but it really isn't that simple. If your DH can't communicate feelings/emotions well then he is going to have trouble facing it when you go emotional - he won't know what to do so he'll likely get it wrong (don't get me wrong, I can deal with emotion in others but I don't always respond "properly" to it, iyswim)

Some kind of therapy in learning to communicate with your emotions would probably benefit your DH, if he's willing to give it a go.

I'm not a Libran, by the way but my Dad is and he can sulk like a good'un as well!

Thumbwich - thats very interesting. I do honestly beleive that his upbringing has alot to do with it. And it was only at xmas that he confided in me some stories about his parents (after a few drinks).

His dad is just a person really, doesnt and never had behaved like a dad. DH said he doesnt ever remember his dad saying "I love you" or sitting him on his knee as a young boy. And DH said he doesnt want to be like him, as I said earlier, he is a fab dad, couldnt ask for anything more.

His dads relationship with his mum is non existant, they have separate cupboards and buy their own food, they holiday & socialise separately. I have tried to mention this to DH in a way that suggests that if he doesnt change his behaviour then we too could end up like that. He has said he doesnt want that and will try harder to improve things, but it only last for a few days then it slips back.

Womblings - you say you ignore your dh when he does this but, do you not get upset at the silent treatment. And, when your dh decides that he has sulked enough and wants to talk, do you just pick up from where you left of and carry on as normal?

thumbwitch, a great and informative post.

I understand that for the person who is sulking it feels right, unavoidable, all-consuming, ...etc. For this reason the partner of the sulker needs to make it ABOSLUTELY clear that something needs to be done to change or improve. And I'm afraid tears won't do it.

Hopefully when Brook makes it crystal clear to her DH that the days of sulking are going to possibly cause a complete breakdown in their relationship he will make some effort to improve/relearn his attitude to problems...just like you bravely did.