how do you deal with a dh that sulks for days on end

[brook1]

Basically, we havent spoken for days. It (as usual) was over something quite trivial but he goes off in a sulk and completely shuts down and blanks me for days on end.

If I try to talk to him he brings the whole situation up and still insists that he was in the right. This happens quite regular, and we go through the same scenario each time ie, he blanks me for days on end and then after a few days when he's had enough he will just say to me "well are we gonna carry this on or are we gonna forget it all and be friends". Its so frustrating that he does this. And, it upsets me to be totally ignored, so much so that he will come in from work and not even say hello, he will walk past me in the house. He is fine with the DC.

Ive tried talking to him about it but he just says that I piss him off sometimes and thats how he deals with it. But, to be honest, more often than not, its him whose being unreasonable, he is very blinkered with everything.

He makes me feel so alone and fed up when he does this.

I dont really beleive in star-signs and such, but Ive just googled to see what star sign my dh is and he's a libra. How funny.

I don't really believe in star signs either, but it is funny!

mumonthenet - thank you for your kind words - however, I do want to clarify just a little bit. Sulking doesn't necessarily feel right to me, in fact I know that it is a silly response - but it is desperately difficult to "just stop". Unavoidable and all-consuming, yes, I'll give you those.

DH does tell me I'm a PITA to live with when I'm in a sulk, and I know I am, so it's not something I exactly want to do - but sometimes things happen and a sulk is upon me. FWIW, in those times, the best thing that DH can do for me is "hear me out" - let me get out what I want to say without trying to argue with it or invalidate my POV (makes things 10 times worse). Once it's all out, he sometimes says "do you feel better now you've said all that?" and I do. Another point that may or may not be helpful to you, brook - sometimes when I'm asked what is wrong, I haven't actually got a coherent answer to give immediately (comms. issues, y'see) so it can take a short while to give an answer. In that time, if the other person has given up or said something dismissive like "oh well if you can't be bothered to tell me" then I'll clam up and brood on it more.

The thing is, that the more DH lets me get my stuff out, the better I become at communicating the problem quicker and resolving the sulk.

A question I ask myself sometmes is - am I being really selfish here, expecting DH to accommodate my moods and be patient with me, or is that just part of a good partnership? (He's no saint, btw!)

This thread is really illuminating, thankyou brook1 although I am sure you would rather not be posting it. Do you have any feelings ab out how you are going to move forward with this?

Blimey thumbwitch I really identify with that. My Mum funnily enough was the person I was closest to, despite her moods and I loved her deeply. She was really the only person I could talk to, I have just realised that it's because she didn't take nothing for an answer when she asked "what's wrong". She would keep asking, and be honestly interested in the answers. I think dp just asks for something to say if I'm feeling down, and if I say nothing (which I am want to do, being crap on the old communication front) he just says ok and carries on.

I did a couple of times open up to him about my feelings when I had pnd (suicidal due to pnd and bereavement) and he just said ok, off to bed now .

So nI withhold, he withholds, stalemate.

Sorry to witter.

I think the difference, thumbwitch, is that you need to have your say out. Brook's husband just sulks over really trivial things, and then wants to carry on without ever airing the issue. So she's held hostage to his mood, but isn't allowed to have her own say or to try and resolve the issue.

In fact, maybe that's a starting point, OP? You can agree to let him have his sulk, if he agrees that when he's ready, the two of you will sit down and talk (and make that structured; like, he has to listen to you for X minutes, then you listen to him for X minutes) about what actually went wrong. It might act as decent practise for him to learn to communicate.

thumbwitch so true..its is sometimes just about getting things out...getting your opinion across..it helps when you can feel you can express yourself..
and tbh it is about selfishness..everyone has their moments ..some more than others..but some of the time you spend wallowing or feeling misunderstood you could perhaps think about your impact upon the one you love and your family..its not easy

not sure that brook's DH doesn't try and talk about it, tbh - see
"If I try to talk to him he brings the whole situation up and still insists that he was in the right."
from the op.

Of course, he is unlikely to be in the right the whole (if any) of the time, but sometimes what it takes is just to let the sulker say it all the way through without interruption/contradiction etc. Taking turns in talking can be a good idea, so long as listening occurs as well!

I don't know - the op hasn't said too much about it - but I do know that if I don't feel "safe" to talk about the "thing", then I have trouble talking at all, because the "thing" overshadows everything else.

its important to clearly let the sulker know how it affects you and your family...its not about a person not caring..but about a person loosing touch with their impact on others..

Thats why i say..talk about it not during an arguement..but when nothing is wrong..

brook1, you said in an earlier post that your DH isn't abusive in any way. But what he's doing is abuse - emotional abuse. His behaviour is designed to control you - to make you feel guilty, responsible, as though all your fall-outs are your fault; to weaken you. How horrid - to want to make your wife feel shit.

My parents used to row a lot during my teens - a particularly stressful period for them. Their arguments were never properly resolved - that is, neither appeared to apologise, and instead arguments ended with a door slam followed by a grim silence for a few hours/day. The tension was just awful to live with, and I think this period of my life did no favours for my emotional health and self-esteem. Believe me, if you stick with your marriage as is, it will affect your children.

There's plenty of advice in other posts. I just wanted to emphasise how unacceptable and damaging your husband's behaviour is. You deserve so much better.

Good luck.

Ah, good point, thumbwitch. I read it as he just sulked and then, days later, would be all 'okay, done now, what's for tea'.

Hi brook1,

My husband is exactly the same.

When the going is good:

• he is fantastic

• he showers me with attention and shows lots of affection

• he phones me 10 times a day, just to hear how I am

• he helps with the children by taking them out for long periods, so that I can have a rest etc.

Then SUDDENLY, without any warning or explanation, I become Public Enemy No 1. This is usually triggered by something I said or didn't say, something I did or didn't do - it is impossible to predict.

When it happens, I spent hours mulling every conversation we had in the last 24 hours over in my head, trying to figure out what I could have said or done this time - needless to say, it is exhausting!

He completely freezes me out, only speaks when spoken to (yes or no answers), but parties it up with the children and is charming with everyone else - this also goes on for days, ending with him wanting to bonk and me giving in, because I just want the silence to end.

This has been going on for 14 years now and I have many times been on the brink of leaving him. What these men do imo is nothing short of emotional abuse.

The one thing I did learn, is that they are soooooo confident in your love and loyalty that they think they can abuse you and you will do nothing about it - which is why I decided to shatter that particular little illusion.

2 months ago (after about the 100th sulking-spell of the year), I asked him: "Do you want me to divorce you?" I didn't cry (I normally do I just walked up to him, out of earshot from the children, looked him straight in the eye and said it.

Be careful not to say 'I want a divorce', because then the ball is still in your court and you will seem like the baddie. By saying to him 'Do you want me to divorce you?' You imply that the decision is his, as to whether you are going to divorce him or not.

My husband got the shock of his life! His sweet, dear, loyal little wife had actually said the "D"-word. When he spluttered 'no', I proceeded in telling him (without tears) how he has been making me feel. I told him that when he treated me like that, I hated him, I didn't want him to touch me etc.

I am happy to report that although the sulkiness is not completely gone yet, there has been a major improvement and there is a definite shift in the dynamics of our relationship - no longer am I the frightened little rabbit, trying to survive his abuse, but rather he treats me with more respect, because heaven knows, I had considered divorcing him!

PS: Sorry about the length of my reply

I would never marry a bloke like this. OK not very helpful but if you choose to marry a sulky boy then that's what you get.
Agree he can only change by going for something like CBT as it will now be ingrained behaviour. He has to want to change though, you have to decide whether or not to live with him as he is.
I'd probably end up taking the piss out of his sulkiness and humiliating him, but I hate childish behaviour in adults.

Wow Brook I really feel for you, nothing I can say to help you really, that hasn't been said, but this is bringing so much back from my childhood as my mum was like this and it has really been damaging to me. (She is a Sagittarian, btw, so unfortunately no support to the Libran theory).
And like you nd so many others have said, she did it to me only and would "party it up" (love that expression!) with my dad and brother. That really fucks you up, because usually it was a stupid little remark I'd made that would send her off on one and that would be it for days.
So much of what thumbwitch says makes sense years on, and I believe Nina Jane is spot on when she says that they do it to you because they feel so sure of your love and loyalty that you will just take it (my mum and I were closest ).
Now I'm an adult I am capable of taking her on one side and hauling whatever it is out of her, letting her talk about it, and then calmly putting my side, but I still feel it's rather one-sided. I try and take the view, like with kids that "I'm the adult here". Not the way to proceed with a husband, doubtless, but I can't/don't want to 'divorce" my mum.
Mind you, a lot of it wth her was hormonal, as she had a nightmare of a menopause that went on for 15 years, compounded by a shit marriage. She's not nearly so sulky now, and easier to talk out of it. But it is very damaging to the receiver and I truly hope you can use some of this advice.
Good luck.

Thank you everyone for your advice and opinions, I have thoroughly read them all. One of the things I have now realised is that HE is the one that is at fault here and not me.

I'm really concerned that many of you are certain that the dc will be affected by this if it continues. I was sure that they didnt notice, they are happy and giddy and dont appear to notice anything, but obviously I am wrong.

Just to update on whats happened today, he went to work this morning (he's out at 5am so we dont see him). I went to meet my friends for breakfast after dropping the dc at school. Whilst I was there he rang me to say that the car insurance was due yesterday. I havent talked about this with my friends so I didnt want to be frosty with him on the phone in front of them. I just told him that I would sort it out later because I was out with friends at the moment, we both said bye.

I will see what happens later when he gets in from work. I am really expecting him to make the first move and talk to me about what I said to him last night. However, the dc will be home and its Friday night so they tend to stay up later and he will be knackered because he's been up early.

he rang you to tell you that the car insurance was up yesterday?

oh why oh why didn't he ring the car insurance people and sort it out himself?

Ivy, I dont work and all the dc are at school full time, so I dont really think its unreasonable of him to expect me to sort these things out. And also, in his defense, he is rubbish at using computers and wouldnt have a clue where to start on comparison websites.

Whose car is it? If yours then I can understand him ringing. If his then it's his problem and shouldn't involve you.
Cars usually have 1 main driver and the insurance is their responsibility.
Why would you be frosty with him on the phone? I thought he was supposed to be the sulky one?

rebecca, I dont think its unreasonable for him to expect me to sort out the insurance. The car is in my name because it was cheaper to insure it this way but he drives it mainly, its our big family car for holidaying and days out. I dont really use it, I have my own little car for running around in. And also, I think it was you that posted earlier saying something along the lines of I shouldnt have married a sulker. Well, I didnt, he hasnt always been like this.

I dont really see the car insurance as his problem that he should sort, I think thats petty. Its our family car and even if it wasnt, he is the one going out to work each day and I stay at home and run the home. What is unreasonable about that? I am not being funny here, I genuinly dont understand why you feel this way.

Hmm. My dad was like this (still is, to a leeser degree - it never totally changes) and my mum divorced him when I was 7 and my younger brother 5. Because she insisted, as far as was in her power, that their dirty linen would not be laundered in front of us, their divorce didn't damage us at all. Staying with him would have.

Both parents remarried (my mum has since divorced again - she doesn't take any crap these days ) At times my dad has behaved the same with my stepmum - they have two daughters. She left him for a time and he went to pieces. The only way she sould have him back was if he agreed to couselling. I have to say, it appeared to help. My dad too, had a crappy upbringing. His mother hasn't a clue how to show affection (I stay away from her as far as possible!) She used to beat them with a broomhandle when they were out of line and I'm sick to death of her banging on about how she marched to dad's school one day and insisted that the head caned him in public. That said, it does not excuse his endurance-sulking and generally irresponisble behaviour.

These days, dad's much better, though over the last couple of yearse there have been occasional monster-sulks. I don't buy the depression theory. Again, he's really only like it with the person the sulk is aimed at and more or less fine with anyone else. As far as the divorce goes, both families (mum's and dad's) get along well and do a lot together, which I believe is down to my mum's strength of character and my dad's ultimate respect for her for ceasing to be his doormat.

Personally, I dont think you could do better than to get the hell out of there.

I had a best friend who would sulk for weeks at a time if you upset him, then when HE was ready to forgive would just start talking to you normally. I loved him so put up with it because he was a great mate in many other ways.

Guess what though, he was Libra!

I couldn't tolerate this I really couldn't. I do sometimes wonder though if some sulkers do this because they don't have the emotional resources to deal with conflict any other way, also if they are feeling that will not be heard. I wouldn't class myself as a sulker but I would go for days without speaking to my ex h (he was abusive) because talking to him and trying to compromise achieved nothing. I was so hurt by him and his selfishness was such that I would be forced to withdraw from him.

It does not sound like that is the case here though, he sounds like a bit of a knob tbh. I cannot bear the talking to everyone else and ignoring you thing. So disrespectful and yes, abusive imvho.

Hello Brook1 and other posters
I have read some of your posts but not all. I hope you manage to resolve your problems to your satisfaction Brook1 - my husband is a sulker too (the worst sulk lasted for 5 weeks - more than a year ago) and he is Libra as well! I hate this behaviour - it's not over trivial things particularly (well a short 2 or 3 hour sulk might be) but when he has decided he is going to be like this, he is going to be like this. I do think this behaviour is controlling and unloving, displaying an inability to communicate and a desire to dominate. If the clock could be turned back I would get together with a far more laid back character with whom I could really talk (and laugh) but now that we have 3 children together (3, 5 and 8 years old) I feel my responsiblity is to them for now. When he does sulk I generally ignore it (and there hasn't been a long sulk for quite a while) until he snaps out of it, the 5 week mammoth sulk was particularly horrible and probably the worst one in our 14 years together.
Please let us know how you get on Brook1.

5 weeks??!!
Arabella, you really aren't stuck with this, even if it feels like it at the moment.

Well - that was the worst sulk and it happened about 15 months ago, but it's true that it did not contribute to the quality of our relationship (!) which is not great it has to be said, as there is little affection between us and lots of resentment on both sides I think. However dh is not the kind who would consider counselling and breaking up our family is not something I want to consider doing at the moment and so the status quo persists... It's not terrible terrible, but I too feel very lonely at times especially if I am feeling a little down or unwell. I invent little fantasies to keep myself going such as a crush on a teacher at my kids' school - it is when I realise that that too is pie in the sky that I really feel sad. However I have loads to be thankful for - 3 beautiful kids, a nice house and really maybe I am not making the best of my relationship with dh because I distance myself from him intentionally. Anyway, sorry Brook1, seem to be rambling about myself...