Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

do I want to work this hard?

108 replies

Makipuppy · 04/01/2010 22:11

I have a happy relationship with DP who is a bit of an odd sort but exciting, fun and challenging to be with. He is definitely on the spectrum.

When we got together he loved that I was ambitious - I work freelance in a fairly demanding profession - and that we liked some of the same books (although he's higher brow than me). When I wanted a baby his greatest fear was that I would get all mumsie. He said he would be very unhappy if I wanted to give up work and 'just be a mum' and that he wanted me to have my career etc.

Well, we had our baby four months ago and all is wonderful. I started taking on some freelance work after a couple of months.

DP is pressing me to go back to work. It's not a money thing - I can easily contribute my half with a bit of work from home and have a flat I can sell to put towards our future. He wants me to work full time and have child care for DS (which means stopping bfingt too) even if it means less income. He thinks I need to be stimulated and challenged etc. As he has always told me, he doesn't want to be with someone who just looks after a baby. He also complains that I've hardly read a book since DS was born which he thinks is terrible.

I just want to look after our baby and work around him to earn enough to pay my way.

It's not a question of leaving each other - we are committed (and adopting an older child this year) but I feel like, if it's not about money, is it really his business what I do?

Just wondered what anyone thought..

OP posts:
BelleDameSansMerci · 04/01/2010 22:16

I think he's being unfair. This seems to be about what he wants and his image of you rather than what you want. Have you asked him why he feels that looking after a baby is such a bad thing?

BTW, I am single parent and have to work full time. I'm not remotely fascinating as I'm knackered all the time. Working full time with a small child is hell.

Oh, I was very bookish and "high brow" before the baby!

FluffyForLifeNotJustForXmas · 04/01/2010 22:17

Ahh, he thinks your brain will melt if you don't work. You should prove hin differently. There are alot of educated people on here that have decided to take a break to raise their children, brains don't melt. You could also do a OU degree if you must to shut him up. Brains do not melt though, he misses the intellectual side of you, you just need to show him it's not gone anywhere.

AnyFucker · 04/01/2010 22:18

he sounds like a dick, tbh

sorry

BrahmsThirdRacket · 04/01/2010 22:18

Hmm. Very difficult. I can understand his concerns about you changing into a different sort of person. I know a fair few men whose partners really changed from high-flyers to full time SAHM types, and they don't really like it but don't feel there's much they can do. If you're a freelancer can't you be quite flexible? It's not all or nothing. You can have enough to keep your brain active without working all the time.

I assume now the baby is here he has realised that some change in the way you are is inevitable. Is he comfortable with that?

sabinar · 04/01/2010 22:21

keep in mind that books will be around for many years to come, as will work, there is plenty of time to be stimulated and challenged. Your DS, on the other hand, will only be a baby for a ridiculously short period of time. I doubt you'll regret not reading enough books this year or next, but miss out on spending time with your boy in these precious early years, and that you may very well regret.

context: I'm also a freelancer in a fairly demanding industry struggling to balance my enjoyment of work/desire to stay in touch & get ahead with spending enough time with my 2yo DS.

bearcrumble · 04/01/2010 22:23

If you're already working (well done on starting freelancing again after only two months) and it isn't anything to do with money then I can't see what his problem is - except that he's frightened you'll never go back to full time work or be interested in things other than children again. It sounds as if he's frightened of something that hasn't happened.

Can you reassure him that you haven't turned completely milk-brained? I'm sure you would love to have the time to read a bit more but that will come when the baby is less demanding. He's really rushing you and it's not rational or fair. I think you need at least 6 months at home - a year preferably.

Maybe if you gave him a more realistic timescale he'd be reassured. Like I intend to be doing 'this' in six months and 'this' in a year - and stick to it? I know AS people are scared of change and scared of the unexpected so if you map the coming year out for him in terms of your intentions, it would probably help with any anxiety he's got.

Also, how much childcare/housework does he do if he's got so much time for reading literary novels?

AnyFucker · 04/01/2010 22:24

who do you most want to please ?

yourself ? your baby ? or him ?

you don't have to prove anything at all

tell him to shut the feck up, who does he think he is ? Plato ?

expatinscotland · 04/01/2010 22:26

'He thinks I need to be stimulated and challenged etc. As he has always told me, he doesn't want to be with someone who just looks after a baby. He also complains that I've hardly read a book since DS was born which he thinks is terrible. '

I think you're a grown women who can decide for herself what level of stimulation she needs, how much you want to look after your own child, what books you want to read and how many.

So yeah, I'm with AnyFucker.

Because I make sure to teach my daughters, if they're with the type of guy who doesn't want to be with them for what they want to be, then he can find someone else to be with.

People change with time, age and circumstance. Most of them mature.

It doesn't sound like your partner has much.

BelleDameSansMerci · 04/01/2010 22:28

AF - spot on. As usual!

bexaa · 04/01/2010 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

expatinscotland · 04/01/2010 22:28

Re-read your OP, Maki.

Count out how many times you're used a sentence with 'he thinks' or 'he is' or any other combination of he+active verb.

Compared to the number of times you've used me I in the same manner.

If that doesn't enlighten you, I don't see what will.

AnyFucker · 04/01/2010 22:30

thanks belle, I may have been a little harsh there

BrahmsThirdRacket · 04/01/2010 22:30

You can't just completely ignore what your partner thinks though.

If it was the other way round, and someone came on here saying 'I think my DH spends too much time at work, and I would like him to spend more time with his family' no one would say 'Yeah, shut up it's nothing to do with you what he does.'

AnyFucker · 04/01/2010 22:32

I could ignore it if it was bollocks, brahms

bexaa · 04/01/2010 22:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

expatinscotland · 04/01/2010 22:34

I feel entitled to ignore anyone who tries to control how I think.

mrsboogie · 04/01/2010 22:34

ehm.. well it wouldn't be for me to be sure but you did know he had this attitude before getting pregnant so you can't be that surprised surely?

it's not about money for him is it? he has an expectation that his partner will be a certain way and he did make that clear from the outset; it would be different if he had suddenly come out with this after you had the baby.

I'm not saying that his expectations are reasonable (they are not particularly) but its up to you really whether you are prepared to put up with it or not. It seems silly to put your child into childcare if you don't want to or need to.

he sounds like an intellectual snob - what's he doing while you are looking after the baby? does he pull his weight? or is childcare and housework beneath this intellectual giant of a man???

Original poster
Makipuppy · 04/01/2010 22:35

hmn. I do think he's being a dick actually.

He's talking about me going back to work full time when he is 6 months.

He does lots of looking after DS (we both work from home).

I think mostly I feel very patronised. There's nothing wrong with my conversation and we still laugh a lot together.

OP posts:
coppertop · 04/01/2010 22:35

My dh is almost certainly somewhere on the autistic spectrum, and so are two of our children. None of them particularly enjoy change but there comes a point where they will have to put up with changes.

Your dh needs to understand that you are not an extension of him and that you have your own ideas and ambitions. Better for him to learn this now than for you to go along with his plans for the sake of a quiet life and ultimately end up feeling resentful.

RumourOfAHurricane · 04/01/2010 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AnyFucker · 04/01/2010 22:37

glad you didn't take offence, maki, it wasn't meant to be offensive

well...perhaps of him, but not to you

SolidGoldBloodyJanuaryUrgh · 04/01/2010 22:37

He's rushing you, and he is not your boss or your owner. However, you may find that, in 6 months or a year's time, you do want to go back to work, and that looking after a small child isn't enough for you (there is nothing at all wrong with either position). Tell him that the subject will be up for discussion again in 6 months, until then, he can belt up about it and start doing his share of the domestic work.

BrahmsThirdRacket · 04/01/2010 22:37

OK, he's not put it in the best way. But you marry someone for who they are, right? It's only natural to not want them to totally change. He sounds like he is scared of something that hasn't happened, though.

I think that when your partner holds a view about something, you can't just dismiss it. You have to consider it and discuss it with them at least for a bit, even if you categorically say no in the end. No one likes to feel that their thoughts don't matter.

expatinscotland · 04/01/2010 22:38

Show him this thread.

I'd have told him to put a sock in it, tbh.

And if he carried on nagging, then it would have been more along the lines of where he could sling his hook.

expatinscotland · 04/01/2010 22:39

She's not married to him if he is 'DP'.