do I want to work this hard?

[Makipuppy]

I have a happy relationship with DP who is a bit of an odd sort but exciting, fun and challenging to be with. He is definitely on the spectrum.

When we got together he loved that I was ambitious - I work freelance in a fairly demanding profession - and that we liked some of the same books (although he's higher brow than me). When I wanted a baby his greatest fear was that I would get all mumsie. He said he would be very unhappy if I wanted to give up work and 'just be a mum' and that he wanted me to have my career etc.

Well, we had our baby four months ago and all is wonderful. I started taking on some freelance work after a couple of months.

DP is pressing me to go back to work. It's not a money thing - I can easily contribute my half with a bit of work from home and have a flat I can sell to put towards our future. He wants me to work full time and have child care for DS (which means stopping bfingt too) even if it means less income. He thinks I need to be stimulated and challenged etc. As he has always told me, he doesn't want to be with someone who just looks after a baby. He also complains that I've hardly read a book since DS was born which he thinks is terrible.

I just want to look after our baby and work around him to earn enough to pay my way.

It's not a question of leaving each other - we are committed (and adopting an older child this year) but I feel like, if it's not about money, is it really his business what I do?

Just wondered what anyone thought..

Is autism the same thing as aspergers then?

I think he sounds like a stuck up old fart and feel concerned for the 12 year old boy.

I grew up in fear of my Dad constantly asking (in a severe and sombre tone) what book I was reading (could never ever admit to a Jilly Cooper or I'd be made to feel like a stupid fool).

I suppose I have achieved a lot education and career-wise, but I don't feel any gratitude towards my Dad. I think that actually he's a twat who burdened me with self-esteem issues for life.

Maki - your situation sounds familiar. Did you post some time ago about your dp expecting you to contribute the same to the household expenses when your income was reduced because of maternity leave, despite him earning considerably more? If so, his current obsession seems part of the same pattern - very rigid thinking and a strange idea of partnership/equality.

How will he manage with a new (almost teenage) child in the household? There is bound to be some boundry pushing/challenging behaviour with a teen. Do you think your dp will be able to negotiate or just want to "lay down the law" with him?

Er, no unavailable that doesn't sound like us, we left our money quarrels behind a long time ago.

We've talked a lot about how to cope with teen behaviour, and I'm reading some books about strategies (so much more topical than Dostoevsky I tell him).

And I'll be hanging out on the parenting thread too...

Sorry for mixing you up with someone else, Maki.
I think it should be your dp reading the parenting manuals tho'. Good luck with the adoption.

precisely LeQ

like I said about a week ago on this thread

new mummy's feelings trump over selfish, ego-centric caveman who would rather like the world to continue to revolve around his version of partnership and family...

precisely LeQ

like I said about a week ago on this thread

new mummy's feelings trump over selfish, ego-centric caveman who would rather like the world to continue to revolve around his version of partnership and family...

He sounds like a complete control freak to me - how dare he tell you what's best for you? Why is going out to work considered the only option for intelligent women by liberal society? It's not as if you're not going to do anything - you'll get the enormous satisfaction of being with your baby in the early months and beyond whilst still being able to do the creative things that fulfil you. I recommend you read What Women Want by Christine Odone, a paper published last year by the Centre for Policy Studies - you can download it off t-internet. Then put it under his highbrow nose and tell him to shove it where the sun don't shine if he doesn't like it.

By the way, I'm on here whilst I should be applying for jobs but guess what, I DON'T WANT TO WORK FOR SOMEONE ELSE FULL-TIME. SHOCK HORROR!!!! I'm a highly intelligent and educated woman but I resigned from my shit job last month and have spent the last few weeks at home with my lovely 9 year old DD, doing stuff with her, reading, writing, playing the guitar and piano, going for country walks, looking up old friends, helping my parents....the list is endless.
I'm only applying for work because I need the money. If you don't, don't do it!

Rant over, I rest my case.

I have to say you're both clearly right. He will listen to reason though - my aibu thread the other day led to a proposal

Why the Daisy? I'm not a namechanger you know, it's all on the table.

LeQ, I quite agree with what you say about selflessness. I'm actually happy to leave behind all those years of doing exactly what I wanted, travelling, spending money on ridiculous things etc. and am so happy looking after DS.

DP is indeed a muppet in this regard but not a horrible one. I must respond to DrunkenDaisy's post above - DP would never be nasty to DN. We take his (and DP's other niece and other nephew) on holiday every year and they love him to bits. I don't see why being a hard taskmaster precludes being a loving dad. He needs to make DN try harder at school for example, because he's been doing quite badly as well as skipping classes when actually he's pretty bright. I'm sorry your dad damaged your self-esteem, but I don't think it's having high expectations that does that. Without going into detail here, there has been much going off of rails in his family with very tragic results. Which is why we have DN in the first place, so DP is very keen to keep him on the straight and narrow behaviour-wise. But he will be loved.

That's great, but from your thread I interpreted that he's being a dick to you. So I worried that he might also be to the boy.

Sorry I really don't mean to have a go, but your post about getting the proposal (in the context of all of this) read like something from generations ago. Holy crap, you're not a commodity, he should be lucky to be with you.

Well maybe my tone was a bit flowery and I suppose inaccurate too as in fact I didn't get an actual proposal. But a deal was struck because he saw my point of view (or perhaps fell under an invisible hail of mumsnet fire)..

Sorry - just feel that if he's the sort of man to pressure his partner to go back to work so soon after having a baby (when you don't even need the money), then he's the sort of man to pressure his kids to go to a certain university, or do a certain type of degree or whatever. I don't personally think that's a healthy approach to parenting or a relationship but maybe there's other good stuff about him - you just haven't mentioned any of it in your thread.

Daisy, I don't want to spend this thread defending him - or little point posting. But he is pressing me to continue with my career, not throw it away (it's not the sort I could pick up later).

I think it's a bit of a stretch of the imagination to extrapolate that he is shit father. He's not. Have a big fat from me for that.

Alright keep your hair on.

Anyway, I don't know why your picking on me - loads of other people have said he sounds like a tosser.

Makipuppy - I second many of the above posts.

It sounds like it is exclusively his need to have you back at work. Almost as if, by doing that, you are providing the centre to his life rather than his having to do that by himself.

From my limited but first-hand experience of high-level functioning autism, there is a need for others to provide and bolster a sense of self to the person with Aspergers. Looks like he needs you to be living up to an image that he has of you, which is then far more manageable than dealing with a separate person with their own wants and desires - which can lead to feelings of insecurity and unmanageability.

By going back to work full-time, perhaps he can more easily slot you back into the role of the person he first knew. Just some thoughts.

Maki - you sound eminently sensible and clever, and like you'll stand firmly up to your partner once you know what exactly you want to say to him. Doesn't sound like there's much risk of you losing your brain capacity or mojo - you might just focus your energies on different things for a while, like parenting and child psychology, and develop new aspects of yourself and your relationship in the process. My bedside bookshelf used to be packed with books about international politics, long since replaced by parenting and child development stuff. It hasn't made me a terrible bore (she said, hopefully) - it just means my focus has shifted for now. It feels natural to me and being allowed to develop my interests and focus in my own way is basically what's kept me fairly sane and happy these last five years.

I also echo the sentiment below that parenthood changes you in ways that are impossible to predict or control much. It doesn't matter what was said between you before you had children - how the hell are we supposed to know what it will feel like to be mothers before the event, or what we will need or want once the baby is a fact? People who don't like change very much should avoid a) relationships and b) parenthood at all costs. I know people with aspergers cope badly with change, but from your description it doesn't sound like he's pretty switched on emotionally and not that different from other men (I have been known to say that all men seem to have a degree of autism).

With a new baby and a prepubescent adoptee on the cards, you working full time could be one change too many. You're both going to have to summon all the energy, commitment, support and cooperation in you to get your new family to work. One of you being available most of the time to tackle all the issues, especially regarding this 12-year-olds emotional adjustment to new parents and new sibling, could turn out to be absolutely essential. So it would at least make sense to postpone any more big changes until after your new son has settled in.

You and DP will still be doing lots of talking, discussing, exploring and have plenty to laugh about - it just probably won't be about the same things as before. Which is how it should be - things change. If you can get DP to see it from that perspective he might not feel so paranoid about you suddenly starting to debate the finer nuances of different fabric conditioners and insisting on darning his socks.

Sorry - meant to say it does sound like he's pretty switched on emitionally...

Sorry guys but re-read this bit:

'He wants me to work full time and have child care for DS (which means stopping bfingt too) even if it means less income.'

Sorry but that doesn't sound emotionaly switched on to me, he sounds like a knobber.

That's interesting whatno, he does like to keep things the same and it fits because I really am all his support as well. He doesn't seem to mind if I don't work much (my job is the sporadic sort) - but he wants me to be ambitious. Also he gets utterly engrossed in his work, he really loves it (I think he uses it as a crutch in some ways) and does find it hard to understand that other people don't want to work that much...