do I want to work this hard?

[Makipuppy]

I have a happy relationship with DP who is a bit of an odd sort but exciting, fun and challenging to be with. He is definitely on the spectrum.

When we got together he loved that I was ambitious - I work freelance in a fairly demanding profession - and that we liked some of the same books (although he's higher brow than me). When I wanted a baby his greatest fear was that I would get all mumsie. He said he would be very unhappy if I wanted to give up work and 'just be a mum' and that he wanted me to have my career etc.

Well, we had our baby four months ago and all is wonderful. I started taking on some freelance work after a couple of months.

DP is pressing me to go back to work. It's not a money thing - I can easily contribute my half with a bit of work from home and have a flat I can sell to put towards our future. He wants me to work full time and have child care for DS (which means stopping bfingt too) even if it means less income. He thinks I need to be stimulated and challenged etc. As he has always told me, he doesn't want to be with someone who just looks after a baby. He also complains that I've hardly read a book since DS was born which he thinks is terrible.

I just want to look after our baby and work around him to earn enough to pay my way.

It's not a question of leaving each other - we are committed (and adopting an older child this year) but I feel like, if it's not about money, is it really his business what I do?

Just wondered what anyone thought..

Well.... all I can say is that IMHO you are underestimating the gravity of your differences of opinion on a fundamental matter.

The fact that your P wants you to be something you don't is a pretty big issue- it is no small matter.

You might have agreed to disagree,but that is far from resolving the issue or him being happy with it. I think for me, the best outcome would have been for him to agree and see my side of it- not simply tolerate a difference of opinion which will rear its head another day- or in another way.

AnyFucker - I like the way you get straight to the point.

How do you presume to know how happy he is with it, o lady somewhere in the ether!

Of course he's seen why I don't want to - your posts imply he's some kind of abusive automaton.

Perhaps your DP would like to change things about you? My DP says things in a way that shocks some because he doesn't process people's emotions in the same way. At least I know what I'm dealing with.

well, you seem happy about it all now- so wondering why you bothered to post.
All seems sorted in your head now.

'..so wondering why you bothered to post'.

Purpleony, she said earlier in the thread that she had another thread which she then showed to dh and as result of that he nearly proposed to her.

Maybe this is how she 'solves' their probems. I think some others have done this too. They start threats, get sympathy from posters,then show the thread to dhs.

well if that is what she had planned, I hope it does the trick. won't work if she has the thread pulled though.

I really think some of you are completely over-reacting about this!
I can't see why it is unusual or odd that the OP's DH might have certain ideas in his head about preferring her to return to work or to be a SAHM. What is unfair is that he has voice them in a way that is putting pressure on her. This seems to be something he has a difficulty with and she wonders if her has mild Asperger's.
I expect there are women out there who wish their DH had gone for a promotion or entered a different field of work. They may have discussed it at the time with their DH. However, if he disagreed, they would have to accept that this wasn't the right decision for him and not something which would make him happy.
This is a similar situation in my mind with the additional point that I don't think men really understand the depth of a new mum's feeling for her baby.
Anyway, good luck OP!

agree with looby- if the tables were turned, people would be alot more understanding. women generally have certain expectations of their partner and often push for them to earn more/get promoted/fulfil their professional potential etc... i don't think a man who does a similar thing is necessarily a dominating ogre.

the problem in this situation is they have a very small baby and they've decided (and i admire the decision) to foster an older child... as most of us know, these events are life changing (for both of them) and the pressure of living up to a certain expectation, work-wise, is something that the OP could do without.

if he has aspergers he won't have automatic empathy with her point of view- it will need to be pointed out to him so that he can take a more balanced view on things... he will also be more uncomfortable with change.

it sound to me that the OP's character is VERY empathetic and the two of them probably balance each other out nicely.

i have friends who have a similar dynamic in their relationship and while they have the occassional conflict, they get along really well as their characters mesh well... i'm not personally keen on a partner who has a rigid opinion on what i should or should not be doing with my career but i myself am pretty controlling - not in a vicious way, but i'm quite opnionated and forceful- this has been helpful in my business and my DH is very laid back so we also balance each other out.