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Original poster

do I want to work this hard?

108 replies

Makipuppy · 04/01/2010 22:11

I have a happy relationship with DP who is a bit of an odd sort but exciting, fun and challenging to be with. He is definitely on the spectrum.

When we got together he loved that I was ambitious - I work freelance in a fairly demanding profession - and that we liked some of the same books (although he's higher brow than me). When I wanted a baby his greatest fear was that I would get all mumsie. He said he would be very unhappy if I wanted to give up work and 'just be a mum' and that he wanted me to have my career etc.

Well, we had our baby four months ago and all is wonderful. I started taking on some freelance work after a couple of months.

DP is pressing me to go back to work. It's not a money thing - I can easily contribute my half with a bit of work from home and have a flat I can sell to put towards our future. He wants me to work full time and have child care for DS (which means stopping bfingt too) even if it means less income. He thinks I need to be stimulated and challenged etc. As he has always told me, he doesn't want to be with someone who just looks after a baby. He also complains that I've hardly read a book since DS was born which he thinks is terrible.

I just want to look after our baby and work around him to earn enough to pay my way.

It's not a question of leaving each other - we are committed (and adopting an older child this year) but I feel like, if it's not about money, is it really his business what I do?

Just wondered what anyone thought..

OP posts:
BrahmsThirdRacket · 04/01/2010 22:40

Well have a relationship, whatever.

YanknCock · 04/01/2010 22:40

Maki, I remember you from the antental club, sorry to hear your DP is giving you a hard time.

FWIW, I don't think you should let him bully you into returning to work, particularly not if you don't need to financially! Sounds as if he hasn't realised that it is NOT all about him and what he wants anymore.

AnyFucker · 04/01/2010 22:41

so brahms, you could apply the same logic to the OP in that she doesn't like to think her thoughts don't matter

however, call me a feminist bitch, but a new mummy's thoughts have trumps in this scenario

so ner

BrahmsThirdRacket · 04/01/2010 22:46

Yeah. I guess he is being unreasonable. 'Pushing' is unfair and counterproductive. And it's not like the OP has done a complete 180 since having a baby, she still does freelance.

It's just that I do have sympathy with (some) men who are confused at how much their partners change after having a baby, but aren't allowed to express their opinions at all because their partner is now a mum and they're just a man. But I don't really think OPs DP count as one of these, he is being too tight

CocoK · 04/01/2010 22:47

Sounds like he is projecting something or other onto you in a major way, as if he's seen it all happen before and is anxious that it might happen again. Was his mother a SAHM? Is he jealous that the baby will take his place in terms of your affections? Or does he deal badly with change and wants everything to go 'back to normal' (hah! good luck). What is he basing his idea about SAHMs on? He sounds severly prejudiced!

Whatever it is, he should not put pressure on you like this. It's such early days and he should be supporting you in whatever decision you feel is right for you and your child. If you do something against your own instincts it will only backfire, and he'll be the worst hit when you blame him for pushing you to do it.

Raising children is challenging, stimulating, fun and extremely hard work. It will change you both, and your relationship, whatever you do. The best way to make sure it changes for the better is to be open and honest about what you both want - and why - and trying to meet in the middle as much as possible. Freelancing around kids is a great way to do it - it has worked really well for me and my brain has never stopped working completely (at least not after someone suggested I keep Radio 4 on a constant loop because I didn't have time to read papers anymore).

At the moment it sounds like he's just looking out for no. 1 and not being at all fair on you.

Laquitar · 04/01/2010 22:51

Why does he want you to do certain things? For you?
For himself?

Or for his friends's opinion?

Original poster
Makipuppy · 04/01/2010 22:52

Oh so many answers I only wish I could still read!

He's not really giving me a hard time, but he has raised it a couple of times, asking me when I expect to go back to work. Since I had DS I've done a couple of overnight overseas work trips and had a babysitter for DS which I've quite enjoyed but I'm not nearly ready to make it a regular thing.

I would respect his expectations more if I had turned into a babyhead. We both love talking about DS, we both dote on him, but we also go out and have fun and talk about other things. I'm confused where he thinks he's missing out.

Someone asked how much he wanted children - we had IVF.

We are set to get married in a couple of months and will adopt by Easter when I'll have a 12 year old boy in the mix.

I may have to catch up with this tomorrow, but I'm really liking having your views.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 04/01/2010 22:54

there's no way i'd marry someone or bring another child into the mix unless we'd have some serious discussions about issues like this and how they're going to work in the future.

AnyFucker · 04/01/2010 22:54

good post, cocok, very balanced

brahms, I see your point, but he sounds controlling and not averse to using emotional blackmail to get his own way

obviously we don't know the whole story, but reading between the lines, there is an implicit threat in there

somewhere along the lines of "if you change into a dull, boring housewife who can no longer intellectually challenge me, I will be sorely tempted to dump you for someone who can..."

however, I am very prepared for the OP to come back and say I have got it badly wrong...

Laquitar · 04/01/2010 23:00

You are his partner, not his car.
Tell him to buy a flashy car to impress his friends!

All these phrases he uses makes me to think that he cares about the 'picture'.

Original poster
Makipuppy · 04/01/2010 23:01

Well fucker, I think it is less of a veiled threat and more of an openly expressed statement. He doesn't want to be with someone who's dull and goes on about babies and what to get in for tea. I don't think he's controlling or emotionally abusive - I'm pretty feisty myself.

He does quite a lot for me - we've lived in countries that suit my work not his, etc. I don't think he thinks I revolve around him.

He is quite autistic so perhaps it's the change he finds frightening?

WIll definitely be back.

OP posts:
tiredofthesnow · 04/01/2010 23:02

I really think a frank discussion about this is needed. H and I fell apart with this situation being one of the major factors of resentment from his POV. He could never recognise childcare as being a worthy occupation, simply because I wasn't bringing in money. Never mind that he worked away all week, the dc's were preschool age and one had mild SN.

I think you need to agree when would be reasonable for you to return to work, with the wellbeing of your baby, and yourself being at the forefront of discussions. His motives sound a little suspect to me, and you shouldn't be pressured into anything.

AnyFucker · 04/01/2010 23:02

ok maki

I will admit autism is not something I have personal experience of

mrsboogie · 04/01/2010 23:03

blimey! (to quote AF) marriage? adoption?

well your current baby and the plans above totally give the lie to him having a problem with change.

But you really need to resolve this before adopting a 12 year old - I would have serious concerns. Presumably this 12 year old will have come from a less than stable background? If so, the thing he will probably need most is a mummy who is around a lot rather than expanding her consciousness or doing overseas work trips to meet with daddy's expectations.

Secondly -what sort of expectations might he place upon this child? Is he really suitable father material for this boy? Will he provide unconditional love? His love for you seems to be a bit conditional on you meeting certain standards ...

tiredofthesnow · 04/01/2010 23:07

I do understand autism a little, and think it's especially important you set out a plan, possibly writing it down, so that any changes can be made slowly and gradually, and he can monitor what's happening.

How on earth will he cope with an impending adoption though? Surely that will turn everything upside down for a while? Plus marriage, that's a lot for him to cope with. Perhaps he feels overloaded.

expatinscotland · 04/01/2010 23:08

sorry, hadn't realised he's autistic.

best of luck!

Laquitar · 04/01/2010 23:16

Please think about what mrsboogie says in her last paragraph.

Original poster
Makipuppy · 05/01/2010 09:14

MrsBoogie, the adoption (it's not technically an adoption) is DN's nephew who's an orphan. DP has a close relationship with him already as he was around when he was growing up. It's DP who instigated him coming to live with us.

But there's truth in what you say. He will be a very hard taskmaster with DN who is used to doing as he pleases (but without proper care). I'm not a hard taskmaster at all, so hopefully we'll balance each other out (but back each other up of course).

The wedding is a discreet signature in the town hall at the end of our road with no guests - he'll hardly notice it.

His love for DS is unconditional - I see a whole new side of him when they're together and he talks about how amazed he as at this capacity for love he never knew he had (which is of course a bit galling for me to hear). But do we not love our children in a different way to our partners?

I told him yesterday I wasn't going to put DS into childcare until I felt he was ready and definitely not before a year but that I would continue making an effort with my career. I'm not actually sure I still have a career though.

His Aspergers isn't an excuse for his behaviour. I do think it means he says things other men may think but not say.

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 05/01/2010 09:19

I think the OP's DH is having a very hard time with the transition to parenthood. In the circumstances, adopting an older child sounds like madness and a recipe for disaster.

I think you and and your DH need to have a long hard chat about how the two of you are going to mutate into a family that works for all of you.

Original poster
Makipuppy · 05/01/2010 09:26

I've just read all the replies again and they are all brilliant and just what I hoped for when I posted on here, especially the harsh ones. I have gone for the 'put a sock in it' approach in the past. But I also agree with Brahms in that I can't dismiss it out of hand especially as he has always been so clear about it. Brahms you're also spot on again when you say he's scared of something that hasn't happened - he does think maybe I'll never go back to work/read a book etc. again.

I'm rather pleased though, that I smashed him at scrabble last night

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 05/01/2010 09:54

I have a 16mo DS and my intellectual side is very important to me. I continued to read after he was born (novels, newspapers) and I went back to work when he was 11mo and love it. There was a while after DS was born where I 'lost' myself a bit but I think most women do, and it was important to me that I 'found' myself again, so I make an effort to go out, be sociable, work hard and have a life separate from looking after DS.

There is no reason why having a baby should turn you into a cabbage brain but you know that. You need to make that clear to him, and also make it clear that his pressure is hurting your feelings and undermining you as a mum. If you are adopting your DN then life will get even more revolving around children, especially if he has challenging behaviour. I hope you have discussed that with DP.

Maybe you need to make it clear when is 'adult time' - if you have a babysitter then schedule a fortnightly night out maybe monthly lol), make plans for evenings in with no tv where you can chat and reconnect, so that he can see that you are still you.

Regarding work - I don't know if you have a 'job' you can return to or if it's a case of looking for freelance work but make it clear that you will be returning when you feel it's right for you and DS, and not to his schedule.

blinks · 05/01/2010 09:54

maybe he's worried that you'll form more of a bond with the baby (compared to him) if you're the main caregiver? could be a subconscious fear and the whole 'work stimulates you' thing is a smokescreen...

to me it sounds like insecurity on his part and an inflexible attitude.

does he definately have autism or is it a theory of yours based on behaviour?

Original poster
Makipuppy · 05/01/2010 10:12

Kat, thanks, I do agree, I actually don't think my brain is any different although I'm struggling to read more than four pages of my book at the moment - it's very early days.

Blinks, mild aspergers is my theory, but a pretty solid one.

One of the issues is that although I have lots of friends, he has only a few, very close friends scattered about the world and doesn't see them often. We're together all the bloody time.

OP posts:
ChloeHandbag · 05/01/2010 10:18

DH and I have some friends who have a similar issue. He is very proud of her intellect will often talk about her qualifications, great job etc. She is very self effacing, the only reason I know what University she went to, what degree she did etc is because he's told me so many times.

When they had their first dc she had to return to work full time, but when dc two came along she was only clearing a small amount once the childcare had been factored in. He made it clear to her that he didn't want her to give up work and even though she really wanted to, she didn't.

She has told me many times that she's resentful, she's stressed with work now has three school aged dc's and would love to be around to collect them from school some times etc. However she thinks it would end their marriage as it's such a big deal to him.

They are still together and maybe they'll grow old together, but it can't be healthy.

lighthouse · 05/01/2010 10:37

Not really fair of him to do this, I got PND from going back to work too early, at the end of the day if he loves you and your baby then it shouldn't really matter should it as long as you are able to be ok financially.

I wouldn't sell you flat either.