do I want to work this hard?

[Makipuppy]

I have a happy relationship with DP who is a bit of an odd sort but exciting, fun and challenging to be with. He is definitely on the spectrum.

When we got together he loved that I was ambitious - I work freelance in a fairly demanding profession - and that we liked some of the same books (although he's higher brow than me). When I wanted a baby his greatest fear was that I would get all mumsie. He said he would be very unhappy if I wanted to give up work and 'just be a mum' and that he wanted me to have my career etc.

Well, we had our baby four months ago and all is wonderful. I started taking on some freelance work after a couple of months.

DP is pressing me to go back to work. It's not a money thing - I can easily contribute my half with a bit of work from home and have a flat I can sell to put towards our future. He wants me to work full time and have child care for DS (which means stopping bfingt too) even if it means less income. He thinks I need to be stimulated and challenged etc. As he has always told me, he doesn't want to be with someone who just looks after a baby. He also complains that I've hardly read a book since DS was born which he thinks is terrible.

I just want to look after our baby and work around him to earn enough to pay my way.

It's not a question of leaving each other - we are committed (and adopting an older child this year) but I feel like, if it's not about money, is it really his business what I do?

Just wondered what anyone thought..

LeQ, I'm SO looking forward to it! A baby and a teenager in a year will be a much bigger challenge than anything I've ever had at work.

For me is not the work bit Daisy is more the other bit 'he also complains that i've hardly read any book since our ds was born which he thinks is terrible'.

Yes but, being a parent shouldn't be about the 'challenge for you'. It's about being selfless and giving unconditional love and support.

The fact that he'd rather you gave up BFing to go back to work is putting himself way before the best interests of the baby.

Well, I think most people would say parenting teenagers is challenging - not a very controversial statement!

< jumps up and down to attract attention >

I called him a dick

LOL AF

Maki, sit him down, make a list, and tell him exactly how things will pan out -both ways

ie
Staying at home/ working part time (as you do)

• Time to read
• Less money needed for childcare

-whatever the other benefits are -you will be more like yourself if you have this schedule

Working Full Time
-knackered all the time

• no time to read books

all right form an orderly queue for shouting twat, prick and nobber at mrmaki, offensive gestures please wait your turn

pmsl

coco i just read your lovely post properly, thanks very much

Pleasure - just being honest. I think some ladies on here are giving your DP a pretty rough ride, and admittedly he does seem to have said some pretty selfish and stupid things. But hey, haven't we all.

What I mean by emotionally switched on is that he seems able to empathise with you through discussion and can come round to see your point of view after being challenged and forced to do some soul searching - unlike many other men. Which means there's hope aplenty that you'll get on top of this one and move on. Good luck with it all.

I agree with CocoK's post.

Good luck with everything.

Sounds like my Narcisistic H. When we met I was single mum with good job. He never accepted my being a SAHM looking after our two dc. He has always insulted me as being just a housewife that does nothing and contributes nothing. He has always said that he does not want a housewife and doesn't like women who do this. I think he even made comments like this before we married - but, as you don't when you have been 'swept off your feet' by someone initially charming, I never picked up on the clues as to his true personality (as I have discovered later). He 'fell in love' (debatable - as proabably not possible) with the image of having a smart, independent, working woman. A SAHM (and one that was 10 years older than him) just has never fitted with his image plus he is of the thinking that housewives are scroungers.

Well, true to form DP has admitted twunting up again. Shame his EQ doesn't match his IQ eh?!

what's he done OP?

We had a talk about what he said and I told him he couldn't hold a bar for me to live up to - any more than I could ask him to earn more money or be more sociable (neither of which would go amiss in my book). The situation wasn't helped by the HV telling him DS had had all the benefits of breastfeeding in the first 9 weeks and gave us lots of advice on how to give up.

Sorry I think my post makes it sound as if he has done some new twunty thing - I just meant we had progressed, as usual, when the dust settled. 'Tis our own silly type of love I suppose.

I think he'll always want me to have my career but will now refrain from mentioning it - does that constitute an improvement? Not sure it does!

Hi Makipuppy-I don't think your DP is being as dreadful as some people on here feel he is although he hasn't been very lovely either
I think:
a) men don't and can't completely understand the feelings and over powering love of a new mother for her baby and the desire that a lot of us have to care for the baby ourselves and not be apart from them when they are small.
b) It would have been better if he had kept his personal thoughts to himself at this stage or invited a more open discussion with you.

He should definitely be supportive of your decisions regarding work, as you do not need to work for financial reasons. He obviously thinks of you as a very intelligent, capable woman and this is something that attracted him to you initially. It is selfish of him to want you to work to retain this sort of image of you for himself. However, he may also feel that you would be happier yourself if you didn't let your career slide and that you may regret it later. I think you need to be firm with him and explain your feelings and what you want and have an open discussion. Good luck

Hey Looby, thanks, DP is a great partner but as you say, rather prone to voicing bizarre opinions. Fortunately, he doesn't presume he's going to be able to enforce them. We usually have an open discussion later, it's how we work.

I do wonder if I'll miss my career later, but I have so much going on right now, with two new children, I can barely focus on it.

He's a brilliant father though - as I mentioned he's quite aspy and children are easier for him than adults. He is quite selfish though - I try not to let him get away with it but it's uphill sometimes,

thanks

I think he'll always want me to have my career but will now refrain from mentioning it - does that constitute an improvement? Not sure it does!

I don't think it is an improvement as it will be simmering away!

Why does he want to control you?
What does he get out of you having a career? Some kind of reflected glory? Does he only want you for your ability to work?
I can see that someone would not want their partners to change out of all recognition - either physically or emotionally.

I think you both need to get to the bottom of why he resents you being at home. Is it that he thinks you will have nothing to talk about, intellectually? Does he think you will not be the person he married?

Re the adoption. I am not sure how old you both are and whether the adoption could wait- BUT bringing an teenager into this mix seems a bit crazy TBH until you get your relationship sorted out. Even if he is the best behaved teenager in the land teenagers are teenagers. If your relationship is a bit dodgy and you are coping with a tiny babay, are you really ready for another child who will presumably need masses of emotional input?

PP, Maki's DH's nephew is the one whose granny gave him three glasses of champagne at Christmas... sensible though your comments are, I think they need to get the kid out of there as soon as possible. It's that or social services.

I don't know Annie...I was not aware that the 12 yr old was her nephew- is that so?

I think it's quite that his granny gave him uber champers- typical grannie thing to do!

Hopefully he would have a hang over and decide not to drink to much again!

I obviously have missed some of this thread if there is the family connection.

It was on a different thread. I gather his late father was an alcoholic, and that giving the 12-year-old excessive booze was not a one-off let-him-learn sort of thing but more of a habit - think he currently lives with his granny (?). I doubt very much whether social services would be amused.

well, it's not great, but I doubt if a 12 yr old who is fed booze at home is on the top of their lists- they let kids die and don't even notice.

Anyhoo. I still think that the OP is very brave to be taking an almost-raging-hormone teenager on when she has a tiny baby and a slightly odd DP!

I'm going to get this thread deleted - I find it appalling that you're attacking our ability to parent and adopt as well as misquoting other threads. DP's dad is alive and well for a start!

Well before it goes- we are not attacking your ability to parent but your intention to parent when you obviously have issues on which you feel you need to seek complete virtual strangers' advice.

If you are already having issues with your DP, have a baby, and are looking at throwing a teenager into all of this- when his father is still alive?

Have you any idea what teenagers are like or can be like- even in stable, nuclear families? It is not a piece of cake. you know.

It would be interesting- and I know this is theoretical- if SS would allow a couple like yourselves adopt officially when your DP obviously has issues and you are not totally happy as a couple.

Before you flounce off, maybe you ought to t hink on this if a few of us are saying the same thing.

I do have an idea, because we foster as a family, I don't think I could have any situation as difficult as the ones we've been through.

DNs parents are both dead. I thought the poster meant DP's dad, oops.

I'm NOT having serious relationship issues with DP, we're absolutely solid, but we have our rows and conflict, like anyone else, and we sort them as best we can. We are very happy. Do pop round and see!

I asked about a different issue, going back to your career when you have a young baby, DP's wanting you to stay the same etc. I also admit I wrote it in the heat of the moment, and repeated what DP said in the heat of the moment. As I posted above, we've agreed to disagree.