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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My best friends husband

62 replies

happyland · 03/01/2010 13:18

y husband and I went round to a friend and her husbands for dinner last night. I made friends with the wife initially and the our husbands became friends.

We all get on really well and even went on holiday last year which was great. Anyway last night he tried to kiss me whilst his wife was putting the children to bed and my husband was in the loo. It came from nowhere, and i was shocked but somehow not surprised. I said no obviously but he did make contact with my lips as he was holding me firm whilst i was saying no.

I am totally shocked and i feel awful and guilty. I obvs can't talk to my h as he is good friends with this guy. This would devastate him. I just feel so awful for his wife, she is lovely and although they have their issues she really loves her husband. She has also told me that he would never be unfaithful to her. I didn't think he would either but now am not so sure!

So should i tell her or my husband or try desperately to forget about it and put it down to too much wine!

OP posts:

BrahmsThirdRacket · 03/01/2010 13:25

Forget about it. No good will come of it.

aseriouslyblondemoment · 03/01/2010 13:37

horrible situ.to be in and one that's happened to many of us at one time or another
IME i remained tight lipped and put it down to drink

passionfruity · 03/01/2010 14:31

If your husband kissed your friend would you want to know? I would.

SolidGoldBloodyJanuaryUrgh · 03/01/2010 14:35

This time, pretend it never happened. It might well have been a drunken slip up or even a completely mistimed joke. Telling everyone will make it into a three-ring circus which is probably unnecessary.
However, if he does anything like it again you might have to rethink mentioning it to your own H at least.

Original poster

happyland · 03/01/2010 14:39

Yes i would definitely want to know but i agree no good will come out of this at all. It would just cause pain for my friend. Should i let her eventually realise what he is like?

I forgot to add that after the kiss we were sitting at the dining table and he put his hand up my top at the back. he knew I couldnt do anything as we were opposite our partners. I won't say anything to my friend, it would ruin everything . Thanks for responding ladies, it feels good to talk to some one about it. I obv would normally talk to my h or friend but can't do that now!

OP posts:

bearcrumble · 03/01/2010 14:42

I would tell him not to do it again or you will tell her, but for now I think it is best to not say anything to her. I think she'd be happier not knowing (i'm not condoning his behaviour, I'm just thinking about how upset she would be).

Malificence · 03/01/2010 14:50

Tell your husband, why would you want him to be mates with a bloke who would try it on with his wife?

He put his hand up your top after the attempted kiss? I'd have slapped him silly and asked him what the hell he was doing (and then my husband would have decked him).
You also should have told him that if he ever touches you again you will rip his balls off.
The guy sounds like a total sleaze bag.

Why don't you want your husband to know?
I'm sure you would want to know if the wife tried it on with your hubby.

mrsboogie · 03/01/2010 15:05

Euueww - what a sleaze. He seems to think you are there for the taking. How very dare he!

If he is trying this with you he is no doubt doing similar and worse elsewhere.

The way I see it you take action which ends the friendship (tell her, tell your H, stop seeing them without explanation)

or (what I would do)

Ring him up and tell him that he is a sleazebag and he is never to attempt anything like that again with you and if he does you will tell her and your H.

He deserves neither the benefit of the doubt nor a second chance but at least if you do this you will still be there for her on the day when she discovers his latest fling/affair whatever.

Original poster

happyland · 03/01/2010 15:47

It is just so unexpected! He is totally the family man. I never expected it from him at all, and nor does his wife. Don't get me wrong i was verrry firm in telling him to back off at the kiss, but he just didn't really listen hence the top thing - wine i suppose. It all makes me feel a bit uneasy - i mean has he thought about it before, on hols or something etc.
The prob with just telling her or my h is that we recently me moved here and this couple are really the only friends we have met so far. It has been hard settling in etc etc . My h really enjoys his company and i don't want to ruin it for him. Ian can cope with this but why rock my h's boat.

I am a coward i suppose as yes i would totally want to know if it was the other way round, or my h did it to her.

OP posts:

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 03/01/2010 15:54

Are these long standing friends then or just people you have met since you moved?

Original poster

happyland · 03/01/2010 16:10

People we met since we moved, prob been good friends for about a year. our social lives revolve around each other really. We have not met any others that we socialise with in the same way, although lots of acquaintances. They know a lot of people in the town where we live too.

OP posts:

pogleswife · 03/01/2010 16:50

Methinks the lady doth protest too much

Original poster

happyland · 03/01/2010 16:56

really? why?

OP posts:

pogleswife · 03/01/2010 17:04

I think secretly/unconsciously you're rather thrilled and flattered , otherwise why would
you be feeling guilty?

LordPanofthePeaks · 03/01/2010 17:04

if all of this is true, this bloke has no respect for you or your husband, so his 'friendship' with him is baseless.

I'd tell dh about it. to do anything else will put you in an invidious position when the next, more blatant scenario arises.

Original poster

happyland · 03/01/2010 17:10

Lord, of course it's true, why on earth would it not be, and yes you are correct about the friendship thing.

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 03/01/2010 17:10

Why do you want your husband to be friends with this man? I wouldn't. And I'd have jumped out of my seat like a scalded cat if the tosser had gone for a grope while I was sitting opposite my husband. Why are you covering for him?

Tell your husband and Drop Them Like Stones.

JeremyVile · 03/01/2010 17:11

I would leave it. Assume it was the wine.
But if it happens again then absolutely tell your dh.
Pogleswife - fwiw, I dont see where you are coming from at all. I can absloutely see why op would feel some guilt, she has been forced into a position of knowing something that could potentially upset a lot of people, she doesn't need to have enjoyed it to feel guilty. Sexual abuse victims often feel guilt - different situation obviously but it boils down to the same sort of feelings.

wonderingwondering · 03/01/2010 17:15

I'd mention it to my DH in a pretty low-key way - i.e. X was a bit drunk last night, bit over-affectionate. Then if it happens again your DH is on guard for it, and you don't look like you've encouraged it in the past. But I'd try to avoid them, and if you can't, stick close to the wife, don't be alone with the husband, even if it means following her in to the kitchen while she opens wine etc.

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 03/01/2010 17:16

I think you were very silly to let him leave his hand under your top and he no doubt will try something else on. I actually think a hand up the top can be more intimate in a way than a clumsy attempt at a kiss.

There are other people in the world you know. They don't have to be your only friend.

When your husband finds out he will not be happy you have kept this from him and will assume you enjoyed the attention. Maybe you do?

pipsy76 · 03/01/2010 17:17

I don't think keeping it from your husband is a good idea. He might be upset if he ever finds out in the future and wonder why you never mentioned it.

dittany · 03/01/2010 17:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shushpenfold · 03/01/2010 17:19

My dh would be livid if I hadn;t mentioned it to him in the first place. I agree with 'wondering' in that a low-key 'he's a bit of a sleaze when he's drunk, don't leave me alone with him' would do no harm. I have done exactly the same with a friend of my dh's and I was astounded at how annoyed I was and how much less annoyed my dh was!! Since then however, it hasn't happened but I catch my dh watching him sometimes so it's all to the good in my opinion.

BigBadMummy · 03/01/2010 17:21

Have they got pampas grass in their front garden, or a fruit bowl full of keys?

Missus84 · 03/01/2010 17:21

I would definitely tell your DH - if anything else happens and he finds out you kept this from him it won't reflect well on you. I wouldn't keep secrets like that from my DP, no good can come of it.

I'd try to expand your social circle and spend less time with this couple.

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