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Original poster

Being sexually harassed by friends husband - what to do?

102 replies

jeni7 · 15/12/2009 14:35

Recently I started a new job working for my friends husband. We work together in an office in their home. He often makes innappropriate comments about what I'm wearing or what I look like, he puts his arm around my shoulder or rubs my back and will sometimes insist I give him a kiss goodbye when I leave.

I spoke to him about this last week. I made it very clear that I wanted this behaviour to stop and that it made me feel uncomfortable. He took this well and said 'cool, no problem'.

It hasn't stopped however. He made another comment today about asking me for a kiss.

I have spoken to another friend who I know has also done some work for him. I asked her if she had had the same experience. She said she had, and that in fact he'd made a pass at her. She is also friends with his wife, we are all part of the same social circle. She chose not to say anything to her.

Now I'm not sure what to do. I need this job, - I'm a single mother with three children to support. But obviously my main concern is my friend who is married to this man, and who I know has given up a lot in order to be a stay at home mother to their two children. I have no desire to destroy her marriage, but I feel extremely uncomfortable keeping this from her too. I feel like a lie has come between us, and that she deserves to know, but....

I like and respect this woman and I want to do right by her.

OP posts:
Lifeinagoldfishbowl · 15/12/2009 14:37

I would leave the job asap

MmeLindt · 15/12/2009 14:41

Kick him where it hurts next time he tries something on was my immediate response, but obviously that is the easy reply.

I would start looking for a new job right away and leave as soon as you can.

Has it occurred to you that he knows that you really need the job and that you will keep silent about his behaviour?

If you tell her, is she likely to believe you? Does she know that her DH is like this?

TheArmadillo · 15/12/2009 14:41

There are 2 issues here I think
Firstly that he needs to be shown that his behaviour is completely inappropriate and it needs ot stop.

Secondly whether or not you tell his wife.

Firstly are you working directly for him or for the same company that employs him? Is there someone above him you can go to with a complaint?

About his wife I don't know, but it could be used to threaten him with - along the lines of 'if you don't stop this behaviour I will tell your wife and x (friend who said similar) will back me up. If I lose my job because of your behaviour then I will do the same'

What an arsewiping cunt he is though.

Remember you aren't in the wrong here. The whole situation has been created by him and is all a result of his behaviour. Please do not feel guilty as you have done nothing wrong.

catbus · 15/12/2009 14:42

Eeew what a slug. How about the approach of 'If you come near me like that one more time, you'll be wearing your balls as earrings...'?
If you like and respect your friend, leave the job and let her know why.

Janos · 15/12/2009 14:42

Poor you, what an awful situation to be in.

I bet this creepy bastard is counting on the fact you need the job and are friends with his wife to keep you quiet.

Is it literally just you and him in the office?

Original poster
jeni7 · 15/12/2009 14:49

Yes, just me and him in the office. He is self- employed, it's his business, so there's no-one above him I can complain to.

OP posts:
TheArmadillo · 15/12/2009 14:52

He's relying on the fact that you will accept this and do nothing about it for fear of losing your job/upsetting your friend.

You do need to do something about it though. You do have the power.

You could disrupt his marriage
You could bring a court case against him for sexual harrassment that could cost him a lot of money and lose him business.

You need to point out these things to him and tell him he must stop.

Janos · 15/12/2009 14:52

That makes it a lot nore difficult.

I know it's not as simple as just handing in your notice - what are the consequences of you leaving? Could you manage if you did?

SantaClausImWorthIt · 15/12/2009 14:54

I think you'll find his wife is above him ...

I would say to him, quite calmly, next time it happens, that this has got to stop and if it doesn't you will not only report it to his wife but you will consider going to the police to report harrassment/sexual assault.

However, you also should investigate alternative job opportunities, as either of those courses of actions could lead to a very difficult working atmosphere.

How horrible.

Original poster
jeni7 · 15/12/2009 14:58

Also he is well aware of how much I need the job. Jobs are hard to come by where I live, and this is local, reasonably well-paid, and I can work my hours around the kids. It all seemed so perfect.

He has made little comments to me in front of his wife before, and she just seems to laugh it off in an eye rolling kind of way. I don't know if she honestly thinks he's just harmless and jokey/flirty, or if this is her way of protecting herself iyswim.

I am so angry with him for putting me in this position. And for doing this to her.

OP posts:
SueMunch · 15/12/2009 15:03

What a creep!

I'm guessing his business is a small operation but perhaps you should raise the issue of a contract?

I just feel that he will use the threat of unemployment to continue his sexual harassment of you.

You need to let him know that you have rights as an employee. And that includes the right to not be sexually harassed.

titchy · 15/12/2009 15:07

Can you engineer a situation whereby he does something in front of his wife - and you can then firmly put him in his place letting her know that's it's on-going and constitutes sexual harassment?

BitOfFunderthemistletoe · 15/12/2009 15:10

Just leave. Honestly, it's not worth it.

kinnies · 15/12/2009 16:52

What a nobber!!!!!!!!

Tell his wife. She deserves to know, I would want to know - wouldnt you?

She will prob not beleive you at first, just tell her to ask your other friend.

He is trying to take advantage of you. If you leave without saying anything it going to happen to someone else and his wife - your friend will be in peices when it finaly comes to light.

FabIsGettingReadyForChristmas · 15/12/2009 16:55

Forget who he is and report him to his superior.

I don't see why you should leave your job when you have done nothing wrong.

If nothing is done, then tell him you will tell his wife if he carries on and mean it.

I would be tempted to give the local police station a call but I know that is OTT.

He is harrassing you though....

FabIsGettingReadyForChristmas · 15/12/2009 16:57

Okay, have now read all the thread

Tell him to stop or you will tell his wife and take him to a tribunal for constructive dismissal.

kinnies · 15/12/2009 16:57

Fab It is his company so noone to report him to

doggiesayswoof · 15/12/2009 16:59

BitofFun is right - just leave. I couldn't stand it if some wank thought he had power over me like that.

If you really can't leave, you have to pull him up short every single time he tries anything, immediately. Exhausting but necessary.

Threats of police etc pointless imo - he knows nothing would stick.

doggiesayswoof · 15/12/2009 17:01

Constructive dismissal a nightmare and extremely difficult to prove at the best of times, never mind this situation where there is no evidence because they are always alone.

FabIsGettingReadyForChristmas · 15/12/2009 17:06

I would tell him to pack it in.

If he doesn't, walk out and tell his wife. Seriously.

warthog · 15/12/2009 17:10

another thought - start carrying round a small notebook. every infraction, write it down. if he asks you, say you're taking note of every time he steps over the line. state again, that it constitutes sexual harassment, and you will be taking it further if he continues.

2kidzandi · 15/12/2009 17:44

Hi jeni7. Fellow single parent here

I wanted to say that I really think that even though this job is exactly what you need you should get out of it now and leave!

When I was a pregnant SP with DS1, I worked in a very famous tourist attraction. One day I found myself alone with one of the supervisors who started off rubbing my shoulder. Even though I made it clear I felt uncomfortable, this person ended up grabbing and pinching my breasts before I could physically push him off and run for it. That was the first occassion.

I didn't feel I could tell anyone and my position was shaky as I was new and had only just started working when I became Pg and the management weren't impressed. He though, was one of their star team, and very popular. I knew no one would believe me.

The second time it happened was the worst. We were watching a presentation duriing which the room was completely darkened. Bear in mind there were other people there and a girl sitting right next to me on my left. He came and sat down on my right. He inched his hand up my legs and then my skirt. Then he headed for my knickers. This whilst everyone was around. I had to interrupt the presentation by pretending I was sick, which made me look incompetent and undependable, whilst he pretended everything was fine and even made a show of asking what was wrong with me afterwards.

I wish i could say I did something about it, but he got away with it. Instead, I got my doctor to help me get transferred to another department where the work was less stressful.

I have felt violated and peed with myself for not fighting back ever since.

Sorry, my point is, this man was bold. He had predatory sexual tendencies, and IMO when men know that you are not comfortable with their sexual advances, but persist in making them, they are predatory. The longer they get away with it the bolder they become. You do not know if one day when you are alone he may not push himself on you further - at the least asking for more than a kiss.

So leave now. At the very least you won't feel so guilty about his wife and you'll have your self respect.

kinnies · 15/12/2009 17:58

2KidzandI

That sounded horrid.
You could write a letter to your former bosses. Even if it whas a while ago, he might still be working there and getting away with it

2kidzandi · 15/12/2009 18:25

Thanks Kinnies. I don't doubt that he'd both done it before and is somewhere doing it now, but it was over 9 years ago now. I was abused as a child also, so i think that was a factor that made it difficult for me to mentally confront the situation too. At the time It just brought back that awful helpless feeling and thinking about it now, it still does.

There are so many Yuck men out there.

I hope you make the best decision OP.

doggiesayswoof · 15/12/2009 20:43

Just had a thought about this. If his wife already knows/suspects that h is like this and is in denial about it to some degree (which is likely imo) then she may think that you are encouraging him. she may believe him over you. I wouldn't tell her about it, I would just leave.