Being sexually harassed by friends husband - what to do?

[jeni7]

Recently I started a new job working for my friends husband. We work together in an office in their home. He often makes innappropriate comments about what I'm wearing or what I look like, he puts his arm around my shoulder or rubs my back and will sometimes insist I give him a kiss goodbye when I leave.

I spoke to him about this last week. I made it very clear that I wanted this behaviour to stop and that it made me feel uncomfortable. He took this well and said 'cool, no problem'.

It hasn't stopped however. He made another comment today about asking me for a kiss.

I have spoken to another friend who I know has also done some work for him. I asked her if she had had the same experience. She said she had, and that in fact he'd made a pass at her. She is also friends with his wife, we are all part of the same social circle. She chose not to say anything to her.

Now I'm not sure what to do. I need this job, - I'm a single mother with three children to support. But obviously my main concern is my friend who is married to this man, and who I know has given up a lot in order to be a stay at home mother to their two children. I have no desire to destroy her marriage, but I feel extremely uncomfortable keeping this from her too. I feel like a lie has come between us, and that she deserves to know, but....

I like and respect this woman and I want to do right by her.

come up against

I thought you said you were averse to his advances ??

What is it to be OP?

are you secretly enjoying the willy-waving and fondles up against the woodburner ?

is there a photocopier, cos that could get interesting...

< strokes chin thoughtfully >

Well perhaps with hindsight, I could have made more sensible choices, but to suggest that I might be enjoying the attentions of this creep is unsisterly to say the least Anyfuckerforamincepie. Out of order actually.

Do you think that women who wear short skirts are 'asking for it' too?

jeni7, you do realise that
number 3 in the "steps to follow for a wind-up thread" is to start attacking anyone who questions you.....

so you are following the form, that is clear

my post was tongue in cheek, have you lost your sense of humour?

because you couldn't type for laughing a few minutes ago...

jeni - I've only read a few of your posts on hear as I have to rush.

You need to be prepared to leave this job in order to maintain your self-respect here. You should start looking for another job right away - people still find jobs in recessions, don't let the doom and gloom in the news put you off.

The law is on your side. This man is behaving appallingly; sexual harassment is taken very seriously these days in the courts. Chances are you won't need to go that far but you do need to be armed with knowledge of your rights, at least to give you confidence. He does not have one up on you just because you need this job. He is preying on your circumstances AND he is breaking the law. Even though you're not officially an employee I think you should call ACAS and also your local CAB and ask them to give you all the information on your rights. Find the legal statutes (everything's online these days) so that you know what's what.

Secondly he clearly has a pattern of treating women this way, and so far, sadly, he has been allowed to get away with it. This little slimebag has been able to keep his nasty little habits from his wife so far, but time always runs out for these men. Whether you choose to blow the whistle or not is your decision, but just know these facts:

He has good reason to be scared because:

1. He is breaking the law and you could successfully sue him if you wanted to
2. He is contravening his marriage vows and his wife could leave him if she found out what he was really like.

You are NOT on the backfoot here, you have a lot of power in your hands. Don't let this creep manipulate you.

Oh yawn

Hullygully should have done this- the repulsive moobs would have built dramatic tension nicely...

This can not be real as NO ONE with an ounce of sense would stand for this.

BoF - people don't realise that there is an art form to this...one dangles, one builds, one builds further and drips. And waits.

Builds further and drips?? Oooo Missis.

yes, and showing aggression early on is very sloppy technique

Um o.k. this is the last post I'm going to write on this subject because I can see that you all think I'm on a wind-up and I don't want to get banned from mumsnet for being one of those troll thingies.

But for the record this is really happening to me. And I'm now unfortunately more upset about it than I was when I started posting, so cheers guys...

I'm a single mother of three. Do you honestly think I have the time or emotional energy to write rubbish in order to wind up people I don't even know? Why would I do that??

I don't know why would you?

It isn't our fault you are upset with all due respect.

we have tried to advise you of what you should do but you don't seem to see what we do.

jeni, come on love, you were laughing earlier

can you not see any humour in it ?

the woodburner, the working naked, the Freudian slips...

you have had good advice and some really pretty gentle piss-taking

stand your ground at work, and stand your ground on this thread

don't be such a delicate flower...if you are this easily upset in RL, your boss must be having a lot of fun at your expense...

Um, because you're not a single mother of three with a nekkid boss?

You shot your load too early OP.

Must try harder

oh, and I reckon the boss's wife watches his antics through a hidden camera behind the woodburner...

You say you don't have a contract, you haven't confirmed if you are being paid cash in hand which would confirm your status as an employee and how to prgress this, his wife seesm to know about all of this, you've told him you don't like it.

Your choices are;

1. Stay put up with it
2. Leave
3. Speak to him and his wife about the fact that you are being sexually harrassed and it needs to stop

Surely you can understand why people might be a bit about all of this.

Maybe you should have posted in the employment section.

I'm still trying to get my head round the thought that I live on a planet where anybody goes to work in the nude. (All right if you work solo at home - might do it m'self in very warm weather - but in an office or workshop, with other people?!) No wonder some are questioning whether this thread is genuine. But there are some VERY funny people out there, so it may well be...

"You really need to start gathering evidence OP, then take them to court."

Obviously, because going to court is free of charge!

It sounds to me this is a small business, there is no HR department (unless we consider the wife that), and obviously no union (who normally pay for the fees), it may even be a pay on hand job. So, you do all that and what do you get? to get him to apologise and promise to behave when you are re instated to work in the back room of this twat? who is going to monitor and enforce a correct behaviour?

Leave now, while you can still use them as references and while you still have some self respect and self esteem to go through another job hunt.

I'm afraid this is the downside of informal cash-in-hand type work for friends who run small businesses. You have no legal protection whatsoever. As Mongolia says, your only sensible course of action is leave ASAP in order to keep your friendship circle intact and get a decent reference from these loons ageing flower children.

And if anyone doubts that this sort of carry on is unusual I can confirm from bitter experience that small family businesses can be a law unto themselves.(Disclaimer: DH and I run one, so I'm not tarring everyone with the same brush! )

There was the old Czech guy who used to work wearing just a pair of boxers in the summer - not a pretty sight. He ran a small engineering firm with a sideline in arms dealing, just prior to the Balkans War. I had to field phonecalls from the DM and the Times when he was accused of supplying arms to Iraq, and we used to get poison-pen faxes every day from a Russian Mafia type disgruntled former colleague, accusing him of raping his niece.

And the mentally unstable sister of the MD I worked for recently who used to scream abuse at the workers (myself included) and was foully rude to customers and suppliers on the phone but was still paid 20K pa for working 10 hours a week as an accounts clerk. Even though she flatly refused to learn how to use a computer.

If you need local flexible part-time work as a single parent (been there, designed the T-shirt ) then beggars can't always be choosers. But it's not worth sacrificing your dignity and self-respect. I walked out of both the above jobs without anything to go on to and no references. It was worth it.

I hope it works out well for you OP, and that you'll find some work in a better environment that will help you to look after your kids. Good luck whatever you decide to do!

If this is not a windup, then:

a) Tell him: "I have told you bluntly I do not like you making inappropriate sexual comments about what I am wearing and I especially do not want you touching me. Do you realise what this makes you look like?" (feeble response from him) "Have I made myself clear?"
Battleaxe mode.

b) "God! You're a fucking sex pest. Who in their right mind would think you are an attractive prospect. I wouldn't give you the kiss of life." And leave.

c) Send round the 'boys' (I can lend you FIL)

d) Feed him to the woodburner.

Thanks guys. It's appreciated. Sorry Anyfucker, I can see reading through the thread again that you were only teasing - I think I have lost my sense of humour. I promise this thread is genuine, I find the idea of someone manipulating people into sending supportive messages just as horrible as any of you do.