Being sexually harassed by friends husband - what to do?

[jeni7]

Recently I started a new job working for my friends husband. We work together in an office in their home. He often makes innappropriate comments about what I'm wearing or what I look like, he puts his arm around my shoulder or rubs my back and will sometimes insist I give him a kiss goodbye when I leave.

I spoke to him about this last week. I made it very clear that I wanted this behaviour to stop and that it made me feel uncomfortable. He took this well and said 'cool, no problem'.

It hasn't stopped however. He made another comment today about asking me for a kiss.

I have spoken to another friend who I know has also done some work for him. I asked her if she had had the same experience. She said she had, and that in fact he'd made a pass at her. She is also friends with his wife, we are all part of the same social circle. She chose not to say anything to her.

Now I'm not sure what to do. I need this job, - I'm a single mother with three children to support. But obviously my main concern is my friend who is married to this man, and who I know has given up a lot in order to be a stay at home mother to their two children. I have no desire to destroy her marriage, but I feel extremely uncomfortable keeping this from her too. I feel like a lie has come between us, and that she deserves to know, but....

I like and respect this woman and I want to do right by her.

I wouldn't tell her. I would tell everyone else though, but that's just by the by.

As there are just the two of you, what capacity are you working in? Could you start designing some forms and if he asks you what for, tell him that it's for the Grievance Procedure? The one you're about to fill in if he doesn't leave you alone.

I'm afraid it's all pretty informal. No contracts, no codes of conduct. Actually there's another woman he does it to too, but she doesn't seem that bothered. Just shrugs and says 'oh, he's just a bit of an old perv'.
She is also a friend of his wife and hasn't said anything.

My main worry is if this comes to light then my friend is going to feel that everyone knew except her.

Even if I do leave the job which will mean managing on benefits, there's still the dilemma of what to say to her. I'm worried (selfishly I know) that people might think that I did the wrong thing by saying something and that I'll lose friends. We are all part of the same social circle you see, him aswell. I see them both at social events often. We have many mutual friends and acquaintances. It just feels like a real minefield. I know she's counting on me with this job. Part of the idea is that I get to know the business so I'm able to take over if anything happens to him, so she will not be left in the lurch financially. She was so grateful when I agreed to take it on.

Laugh laugh laugh and say 'What the fuck you old perv?' like it's really lighthearted and just a little misplaced. He'll get the message.

Doesn't matter how formal/informal it is. What you would show him by drawing up forms, codes of conduct etc, is that you are thinking along those lines.

Absolutely agree with Hully.

Been in similar situation and found humour and "I'm way out of your league" type of approach quite effective.

I know it's difficult and you absolutely shouldn't have to put up with this but we all live in the real world and you're not employed by a large company with an HR Dept and a reputation to retain (I assume).

Or, you could smack him in the chops but I suspect you would then be asked to leave?

Agree with Hully.

But actually, I agree with Hully

What exactly is he saying? because if it is something that someone else is laughing off it could be that that is the appropriate response.

I think you should stop worrying about the wife and what people will think of you. He is touching you when you don't want him too and making comments that make you feel uncomfortable. You should not have to put up with this just to go to work. Act as you would if you were working anywhere else. Being a friend of his wife doesn't give him free rein to grope you.

if you just up and leave it will affect your benefits. he is a cunt. look for another job but in teh mean time buy a taser.

He says things like 'I hope you're going to come in looking this slinky every week' And 'normally I would be asking you for a kiss, but I won't this week because I have a stomach bug.' But it's the atmosphere when he says these things and his body language that is hard to convey over the computer. He also likes to work naked. He doesn't when I'm working there because I've made it clear I'm not comfortable with that, but the woman who laughs his comments off doesn't mind.

Perhaps some women wouldn't mind so much and would be able to laugh it off - it depends on your point of view I suppose. Personally I find it creepy, disrespectful and unproffessional. And not funny in the slightest. Why should I laugh?

You shoud not have to put up with this at work, no matter how small the company is. I would look for another job asap and then sue for contructive dismissal. Certainly don;t put up with horrible (and illegal) behaviour for the sake of the friendship. Plus I'd get contracts sorted out asap, am pretty sure he is flouting the law there as well. You do know you have the same rights as a permanent employee under EU law (tho you may want to get a HR boffin to confirm that)

oh and having just done some training on the subject, this is harassment and good ground for a grievance procedure.

This is how sexual predators work. They pick on victims who are vulnerable, and rely on the fact that they won't say a word to upset the apple cart.His behaviour is not your responsibility. You can be the winner here. If you still want the job, and you think you can shrug it off if he backs of, then be pretty blunt with him, while having a smile plastered to your face.

As for his wife, she knows. But she had decided to ignore it, minimise it, be in denial. She is enabling him also.

Look, there are pervs and twats all around. You are not responsible for anything apart from keeping yourself safe and happy.

But I do think you have to be very very firm and tell him very calmly that you are making a note of everything he does, and if he continues, then you are more than happy to go to the police, tell his wife and the wider community. call his bluff. Remind him it is assault, a criminal offence. If he blusters that no one would believe you, point out that lots of people are already talking about him as a perv, so he better get his act together before it becomes a local scandal. Take the power of secrecy away from him.

But keep that smile in place. They love the idea they have you cornered and vulnerable, that's the kick. If he does not get the response he wants, he might give up.

best of luck. Who knows, he might well be fine to work with once you have made it pretty damn clear you are having none of it and won't be sexually bullied by him. You actually have a lot of power. Use it.

at "He likes to work naked". Yuk
I had a boss like this once, he sexually harrassed a whole company of women, but in such a sly underhanded way, which made you think "did he really just do/say that or did I imagine it?". I confronted him once and he just said it was only a joke and apologised
All the girls in the office used to laugh behind his back and call him The Perv and it seemed to be the company joke.
Looking back, he should have been sued for sexual harrassment 100 times over and I'm still amazed that he never was.
Back to OP - tell him if he carries on you will leave and tell his wife why. I bet that will stop him in his tracks.

I'm sorry - he likes to work naked!

Presumably his wife is aware of that.

How very very odd.

That is sexual harrassment end of. If someone else choses to shrug it off then leave her to it but you don't have to.

Start looking for another job but in the meantime gather evidence. Can you borrow or buy a cheap dictaphone from argos? Has your phone got a voice recorder? Keep a written record of what he is doing/saying. Stand firm in your response but don't loose your cool.

When you think you have enough on him tell him he's gonna get the fuck he's been after but it'll be through the courts.

His wife has been around when he has made 'jokey' comments and she eye-rolls. She is also a friend of yours.

You know, I would confide in her. I would tell her that though she 'knows' his comments aren't serious (you can stretch the truth a bit) you still aren't happy with them, and you think it's unprofessional etc. Ask for her help. Then she's involved, aware and no one can ever accuse you of being underhand, going along iwth it, encouraging it or anything else.

She might have some brilliant strategy, you never know.

He works naked?

Ewwwwwwww... Who works naked? Yeuch. Hope you don't have to sit on any chairs he's been on. Just revolting!

pmsl @ naked working

Nekkid, huh?

A detail too far.