Our first Relate appointment is tomorrow, I'm scared.

[Scorps]

DH & I are at 'shit or bust' point in our marriage. He came back to the family home on Friday night after 12 days away; He says he doesn't love me anymore. We want to go to counselling and try, because at least if we do split we can say we did everything possible. It has all stemmed from when i mc in Feb i think. I got pg v quickly after, but totally withdrew into myself. Another woman paid him attention and when i was 15 weeks pg he kissed her. Since then i have been terrified and not let him out of my sight, have withdrawn love from him and affection, etc. He would say he loved me and i wouldnt even say anything back.

He is behaving oddly now - saying he doesn't love me, then when i had a 'revelation' this morning saying to him that maybe because of my self worth i should just quit now, i have alot to offer a man etc, he gets upset. We have had sex this weekend too but I'm not allowing that anymore - he can't reach out to me on the sofa, but tries to have sex. I told him today no more of that and he agreed. He said he wants his affection to be true when he does it, and i think thats best too.

He is not nasty; I'm 38+3 weeks with dc4 and he is caring for me and the dc. I have enough money, etc. He is a fantastic father and really wants to go to Relate, but isnt commiting himself to saying he wants our marriage to work.

I'm scared about the appointment, what we will have to talk about, what he will say that will just hurt me more, Relate isn't superglue .

What will happen, any advice, nice things to say to me? Feel like im living life blindfolded. Please dont think he's nasty hes not, its been such a hard year, 2009 has.

Anyfucker I keep Reading your post from Tuesday.

really scorps ?

I hope you realise it was posted with concern and feeling for you (I sweated a bit, tbh, at its harsh tone)

you did your growing up with him as the focus of your life, how difficult it must be to let go, like chopping one of your legs off

but chop him off you must

such a mistake you made, and continued to make over several years, to keep him as that focus

it's not too late to repair the damage though, scorps

be aware I am old enough to be your mother, and it seriously pains me to see a beautiful young woman such as yourself so damaged by a man

who really never was fit to lick your boots

Yes it's actually very helpful and straight talking which I understand; it's clear.

He was always my focus and tbh I feel lost without him and his input, like learning to walk again etc.

I know in my sober mind I need to stay away; it's just so sodding scary.

He wasn't always nasty or alwys lying or always cheating; but I would be 'good' for extra attention and anyway, no one is ALL bad. Even someone loved Hitler once, iyswim. ( not intended to offend ). I sometimes feel uneasy at how I would behave to get some reward. How much I put up with ao I would be a 'good wife'. I can't believe how much focus I placed on that - I didn't sit my medicine entry exam as he said I wouldn't manage. (he didn't even take gcses - I have 13 at a*, a and b, 4 a levels at a and b and 2 out of 3 yrs of my degree at distinction). He said I couldn't do it.

He cheated when I was loosing my baby. When lacey was in my tummy. Lacey should have been enough of a deterrent but he still did it. amongst many other things

I just get so scared of the future.

a more scary future would have him in it as your partner

I know you cannot picture it, love, and you must have heard this so many times in the last few weeks but...

you will find someone better, you will, my crystal ball tells me so

maybe not for a while, but it will happen when you least expect it (it isn't a cliche for nothing, ou know)

and you won't find it in a pub or club, dressed up in your hotpants etc

it will be when you are in your trackies, at the shops, a cafe, the park, at work, the gym etc etc etc

put the idea of another man out of your head for now, it makes you desperate and not able to apply your new-found burgeoning wisdom to wheedle out the horrid ones

the way you talk still seems so "young", your growing-up has been somewhat arrested by all the energy you have invested in keeping him happy so he wouldn't leave you

stay away from men...let yourself catch up with all you have lost in terms of dealing with your emotions on your own terms

your obsession with him will fade if you stop fueling it (and you are still doing that, I'm afraid)

you need to work on that, your life is now your own and the dc's

men need to be low on your list of priorities at the moment (and him, lowest of all)

he wouldn't have been able manage if you sat that exam

because it would have meant you seeing a better life than being his plaything, to use and dump at will

how scared he must have been to be facing his loss of control over you, he had to bring you back down with a bump (from his pov)

what an inadequate man

I see how this happens scorps, I seriously beleive he would have been so threatened by you potentially making a life without him

and he is still trying to pull that trick, even now

don't let him do that to you again

btw, when your children are all at school, you still have oodles of time to make something of your life, if that involves study of some kind, I am sure you would work it out with your family's support

I really don't want a man in my life now, don't worry

yes I do feel 'young', possibly naive. I'm too trusting, and have had a sheltered upbringing really.

I do feel I lost an opportunity wrt to medicine exam. I feel it's too late for that but I will finish the degree I have started at least.

hear, hear AF

Hi Scorps - just read your post that took a while... you sound a bit of a free spirit, high achieving, do your own thing sort of person... not many women would be home-birthing, breastfeeding moms end of, so you stand out a little from the crowd... and it sort of sounds like, despite having a baby at 17, you still got good A levels, and despite having 3 more, you?re still doing a degree.... and then it sounds a bit like you set up the home....

But despite being such a high achiever, you had conversations with your DH at the beg of the thread along the lines of justifiying yourself and getting him to agree that you have something to offer.... and were actually pleased and relieved when he did... Yeah, right... what an accolade that was.....

He on the other hand sounds like an emotional sponge... there are some people, whatever you give them of yourself, will just soak it up and look for more......

Anyway, I sympathise ? my normally good person-radar has always allowed crap men to approach in stealth mode... He sounds a grade A arse... you will find someone much nicer. AF has said so, and I for one believe her.

Whizzy - I was still seeking reassurance from him, like HIS word mattered and was IT. It's not.

Thankyou for noticing the things I do do - I guess I'm better than I think I am. Lots of rl people say what a Coper I am. I know I will get through this one day; it's just a process I think, ad one day all this will be a distant memory, something I worked through. Today has been a bit bad as I'm so tired. Guess anyone would be tired in my shoes new baby and all that.

Almost feels like I'm waiting for life to start again.

Wow, dont know you but just read all this thread and am seriously impressed Scorps, youve behaved with such dignity, i admire you.( Wont go into what ive done in your position !)

Be very very carefull with him, have you looked on any websites / books about emotional abuse? I think its essential to educate yourself, i dont think you are dealing with a normal person, he clearly does not have normal responses or normal behaviour patterns.
Expecting a normal response from a abnormal person will always be painfull , do not waste time second guessing what hes thinking. It will always be about him. He doesnt think like you and never will.

Hes whinging to your freinds, being a manipulative twat ? Tell your freinds in no uncertain terms you dont want to know ANYTHING about it. Think of him as an addiction, like trying to quit smoking.

And lets hear more about how he didnt get you off for weeks at a time, how hes cheated and been a nob in various ways, does he have a shit sex face ,,eat like a pig , horrible personal habits? Of course he does, focus on all these negatives.

These morons create an image, its not real , hes not real.
And next time your imagining him shagging some woman, imagine it properly, imagine him not getting her off or his bad breath in her face and what she,ll say to her freinds about him being so crap in bed she didnt get off.

Ive been where you are, i know its shit, i spent months agonising over his sex with the ow, imagining romantic encounters ect.

Bollocks. More like some seedy encounter which wouldnt have lasted long , along with the pleasure of smelling his feet and sniffing his loud toxic farts.

And its true, because she told me {grin}

And your parents sound loveley, no wonder your so nice.

Bummer, i cant do them face things.

Meant to add, dont fall for this shit with dss, how convenient now hes stuck being a full time parent, he needs a babysitter.

Am i the only one who thinks he sounds like a N?

a N??????

Numpty? Nag? (k)nob? Nightmare?

I don't know what that means really

have had good day. Done all house work including no washing left to wash! Went in town and treated myself to a new book and waistcoat. Took dc to the park an on the way home my boys were discussing what a 'good mum' I was got so muddy at the park I have to wash their coats again! Mimi luckily kept her snobby Boden one clean . also have ordered more school uniform for ds1 as he has an uncanny knack o losing it all. Yes, even trousers!

Chicken casserole for tea.

I am Not Thinking about this, but today is the first day I have been just me, no visitors . Go me!

scorps, you sound like a wonderful mum

shakes pom poms for Scorps

Lacey smiled! All across her face because I was making silly voices and kissing her cheeks!

awww, what a special moment that must have been ...

not wind then ?

Lol, no! Bless her. sHe has been so settled today.

Just up with a coughing and very runny nosed dd so really shouldn't even be MN but just wanted to see how your doing and the answer is.....your doing GREAT .

Sounds as though you had a lovely day yesterday.

Will be back soon and am constantly "nipping in" to see where you are, I'm not saying much but i'm with you.

You have great friendship and advise on here.

Scorps I think AF and Dittany's posts are absolutely brilliant. Totally spot on. In the long run I hope you will turn this on it's head and realise that you have had a lucky escape from this inadequate man. I agree with others in that he is being emotionally abusive (manipulative)but fortunately he is extremely transparent. I suspect he is not clever enough to be more sophisticated about it. He will probably look for another young vulnerable girl to control. What a sad, parasitic existence.

Scorps, I also think that Dittany's and AF's posts are absolutely brilliant.

I'm still here, just in the back row of cheerleader squad....

I'm old enough to be your Mum too....

I am just taking over the baton from MissSalLaneous while she is overseas...