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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Our first Relate appointment is tomorrow, I'm scared.

979 replies

Scorps · 14/12/2009 10:12

DH & I are at 'shit or bust' point in our marriage. He came back to the family home on Friday night after 12 days away; He says he doesn't love me anymore. We want to go to counselling and try, because at least if we do split we can say we did everything possible. It has all stemmed from when i mc in Feb i think. I got pg v quickly after, but totally withdrew into myself. Another woman paid him attention and when i was 15 weeks pg he kissed her. Since then i have been terrified and not let him out of my sight, have withdrawn love from him and affection, etc. He would say he loved me and i wouldnt even say anything back.

He is behaving oddly now - saying he doesn't love me, then when i had a 'revelation' this morning saying to him that maybe because of my self worth i should just quit now, i have alot to offer a man etc, he gets upset. We have had sex this weekend too but I'm not allowing that anymore - he can't reach out to me on the sofa, but tries to have sex. I told him today no more of that and he agreed. He said he wants his affection to be true when he does it, and i think thats best too.

He is not nasty; I'm 38+3 weeks with dc4 and he is caring for me and the dc. I have enough money, etc. He is a fantastic father and really wants to go to Relate, but isnt commiting himself to saying he wants our marriage to work.

I'm scared about the appointment, what we will have to talk about, what he will say that will just hurt me more, Relate isn't superglue .

What will happen, any advice, nice things to say to me? Feel like im living life blindfolded. Please dont think he's nasty hes not, its been such a hard year, 2009 has.

OP posts:
Ladyscratt · 02/02/2010 14:01

Could you really go through all that again? could you really?

Think long and hard about the pain you have been through recently.

Scorps · 02/02/2010 14:18

Thankyou sal. I know.

he has put me through so much.

So why am I sat here crying? I was managing.

CPN be here at 3, thank god.

OP posts:
MisSalLaneous · 02/02/2010 14:35

You're still managing. Crying does not equal failure. Crying does not mean you give up and everything's gone to pot. All it means is that you are sad, hurt, confused, and acknowledging it. That is good. Being in denial and dancing on a bar would not be a way to react to this - crying and being confused is much more preferable, even if it means it hurts like hell.

You'll be fine. Just be really careful about decisions you make.

AnyFucker · 02/02/2010 15:22

Long-time lurker here. Have seen your other threads, too.

Scorps, you need to take a really hard, long look at yourself.

You are edging closer to talking to him about feelings, emotions, how awful you feel your life is now, how all you ever wanted was for you to be a family. All that is fine, but not with him. Never with him. It never was, nor will it be.

Unless you can poke out your eyes, so you can forever turn a blind eye to him shagging around.

Unless you can let go of the last of your self-respect and demean yourself by submitting to someone who has shown in a myriad of ways how he will never give you what you need.

Unless you can look your daughters in the face as they grow, giving them the message that mummy never thought enough of herself to kick this fucker into touch for good.

Once you start istening to his whining (and you already are...his shit should have no space in your head right now, or ever), you will crumble. You need to stop stalking him on FB, stop gagging for updates on how sad he is feeling, stop torturing yourself.

You are a grown-up mother of 4 dc.

You can behave better than this, for yourself and your children.

Please do not give him any more space to fuck you over. I fear another cycle of this wear you down, lull into false sense of security, isolate from friends and family, wine and roses bullshit then ultimately kick you in tha face again will destroy you.

One man is not worth this. Get him out of your head, by force of will.

You can do it. You have to. Or say goodbye to the last of your self-respect (and frankly, if the respect of others means anything to you, to that too)

I am so sorry, this is so very harsh. I have sat by while very generous and kind people have tried to nurture you, and listen to you, and gently guide you. But I fear you are on a path only you can halt.

That is it.

Xales · 02/02/2010 15:44

Another long time lurker on your threads.

So you were out with your mate having a nice time and he texts her just a hi to remind you of him.......... because of course he can't have you going out having fun rather than pining at home with the kiddies cos he has dumped you.

Then he sends her (a really good mate who won't lie or can't hide things and so tells you) all this crap.

All this time you have been alone hurting and wanting him he didn't give a shit. He would much prefer to be off (maybe) shagging anything else that moves.

As soon as you show signs of moving on and maybe not needing him so much he is there to drag you back in.

If you let him draw you in, he will soon be bored, fed-up etc with all the monotony of married family life and will do exatectly the same again. The you will again be a mother of 4 DC picking up the peices for you AND them plus a step-child which he will probably 'dump' on you.

He is fucking with your mind. Please don't fall for it..........

MisSalLaneous · 02/02/2010 16:27

Good, straight to the point advice here. Which is what you need, really.

How did the cpn visit go?

DonDons · 02/02/2010 19:06

Scorps - you know they are all right - K is just a serial twat face and he will do it again and again and again.

please try and stay strong - I know it would be easier in short run to take him back because what you are going through now would suddenly all be over but in the long run you would be accepting a life time of pain

kinnies · 02/02/2010 19:31

I had the same thing with my ex. Ds Dad.

I thought that taking him back would fill the void that the end of our relationship (ended for same reasons as yours) had left.

Long story short, it didnt. How could it? He was/is the same person.

It broke my heart to leave him.
I know I did the right thing.
I'm now happily married, pg with 3rd Dc and he has kept on making the same mistakes over and over.

You are a lovley, kind and loyal person. It is no wonder that you cant ger your head around the mind games K is using on you.

Keep well. xx

oliviasmama · 03/02/2010 07:37

Hi Scorps, been lurking and lurking for ages now, just couldn't begin to know what to write. I just have to post, I'm terrified that you'll believe him and have him back. Please, please don't believe him, he did want to go, he left you with a newborn and 3 dc, what sort of fu**ing man does that?? He has turned your life up side down and done exactly as he wanted. He's a self centred coward.

And just to add....I've looked at your photo, you are beautiful, I've also read this thread from start to finish and have heard the pain in your posts, how you've managed yourself and your children with the greatest love, loyalty and dignity. I can see your progression, slowly, slowly but your doing it and it's such early days. Keep going.

I know it's so hard and you must do as you wish, but think long and hard, very very hard.

Lemonylemon · 03/02/2010 09:23

There's one word for your H's "change of mind", "I'm so sad without her" yada, yada, yada - and that's convenience. Think about it. Screw up the last of your self-respect and DO WHAT YOU KNOW YOU SHOULD BE DOING FOR YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN.

He's a twunt, I'm afraid. Please, please listen to the advice you've been given on here. People have given you brilliant advice. This thread is kinda long and not ONE PERSON has said, OK, give him the benefit of the doubt. NOT ONE.

Like others have said, he's f*cking with your mind.

MisSalLaneous · 03/02/2010 14:47

Scorp, can you give us an update? Are you ok?

simpson · 03/02/2010 18:46

Scorps - hope you are ok....

Fleecy · 03/02/2010 21:10

Popping in to see how you are - there's quite a lot to take in now and you must feel pulled in opposite directions!

How are you feeling today?

MisSalLaneous · 03/02/2010 22:53

I won't be able to check and post on here for a couple of weeks, so just wanted to say good luck with everything, Scorps. Take care.

AnyFucker · 04/02/2010 07:27

have a good trip, Sal

oliviasmama · 04/02/2010 07:39

popping in to say hello Scorps

Scorps · 04/02/2010 13:48

I am still here

sal have a great time!!

OP posts:
MisSalLaneous · 04/02/2010 15:28
Scorps · 06/02/2010 09:56

Have just been carrying on as normal. Bit confused but normal. Dss is with K permanently as of tomorrow.

Nightmare night last night. Lacey up til midnight, boys banging about at 6am. was v cross.

He has been talking to my friend more, but she has told him to sort it out and is refusing to tell him how I feel - he keeps asking apparently.

I have started doing child handover and he asked about lacey being registered and her weight gain today and also gave me money. Weird.

Though I look at him and don't know what I feel. So odd as I have adored him for ten years (I'm 25 so a long time) and now I don't.

OP posts:
Scorps · 06/02/2010 10:32

Feel shit

didn't do ds1 homework last night so his gps are doing it but I feel like I'm letting them down

I try so hard, they're fed washed house is immaculate etc but still feel like I'm letting them down and I want them to think of me like I do my parents when they're older, not 'mum always struggled'

knowing his feelings is fucking me up. Make it stop!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/02/2010 14:28

you won't always struggle scorps

and how your children see you is measured over their entire lifetime

they won't remember this blip you are currently experiencing

but they will be affected by it, if you continue letting this one person (just a person, nothing special, no special powers, just flesh and blood like the rest of us...) affect your life so negatively

you really need to get some counselling scorps...you are in a terrible groove of negativity and poor self-esteem....if you don't take steps to sort it out, you are going to let this person, this abuser back into your life

you are prime meat for him, as you are just now

Scorps · 06/02/2010 14:54

I'm on a waiting list for NHS counselling but if it's too long I think parents will pay for it elsewhere.

You are right. He is only a person.

OP posts:
dittany · 06/02/2010 14:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Scorps · 06/02/2010 15:46

I met him when I was 15; ever since that very first meeting it was him, always, just him in my mind. I was seeing his friend at the time and i fell pregnant at 16. K and I got together when my ds was 11 months, I was just only turned 18. I'm now 25. He has been 'it' to me for 10 years.

Even when you say I'm mature intelligent mother of four it feels like you're talking about someone else.

I know all this is because I'm tired today. And MTV really isn't helping today!

OP posts:
Scorps · 06/02/2010 15:49

Dittany - funny you say about the moving on thing. When I went out last week Saturday night his friend saw me. Then on Tuesday I was wearing hotpants and tights, had done my hair for first time; then all this happens.

OP posts: