Our first Relate appointment is tomorrow, I'm scared.

[Scorps]

DH & I are at 'shit or bust' point in our marriage. He came back to the family home on Friday night after 12 days away; He says he doesn't love me anymore. We want to go to counselling and try, because at least if we do split we can say we did everything possible. It has all stemmed from when i mc in Feb i think. I got pg v quickly after, but totally withdrew into myself. Another woman paid him attention and when i was 15 weeks pg he kissed her. Since then i have been terrified and not let him out of my sight, have withdrawn love from him and affection, etc. He would say he loved me and i wouldnt even say anything back.

He is behaving oddly now - saying he doesn't love me, then when i had a 'revelation' this morning saying to him that maybe because of my self worth i should just quit now, i have alot to offer a man etc, he gets upset. We have had sex this weekend too but I'm not allowing that anymore - he can't reach out to me on the sofa, but tries to have sex. I told him today no more of that and he agreed. He said he wants his affection to be true when he does it, and i think thats best too.

He is not nasty; I'm 38+3 weeks with dc4 and he is caring for me and the dc. I have enough money, etc. He is a fantastic father and really wants to go to Relate, but isnt commiting himself to saying he wants our marriage to work.

I'm scared about the appointment, what we will have to talk about, what he will say that will just hurt me more, Relate isn't superglue .

What will happen, any advice, nice things to say to me? Feel like im living life blindfolded. Please dont think he's nasty hes not, its been such a hard year, 2009 has.

He text your friend? After all he has put you through he couldn't even tell you this himself?

It's lovely how he is deciding all of this now when he has been dumped with his son. "Can't enjoy the single life now, so may as well go back, it'd be easier".

Of course that is me being very sceptical ;)

Said he didn't wanna leave wanted to come to my parents house and get his wife back

realises that couples should talk about problems and he did worst thing ever

misses me, kids

thinks he just has to get on with it

is scared of my parents 'forcefield'

Ok well, for this post I'm going to be straight (again). Don't hate me for it, please.

I knew this was going to happen. Was waiting for it, actually, but decided to stop myself telling you every time, as he messed with your head enough at the time anyway.

Do not be deluded that he loves you. He does not know how to. Not real, proper love. What he is doing now is so classic is shouldn't even shock / confuse you. I'll have a look for a link to emotional abusers in a second. They usually do this.

Sorry to say that he does not love you. I know you want to believe this. That he had a mental breakdown, fell apart and was temporarily "out of his mind". He wasn't, however. He did not want you. If you take him back, it will happen again. And him blaming you parents as to why he's not back yet... He's trying to alienate you from your support group. Because if you take him back, distance yourself from your support group, then he's got you forever. To throw away or pull back and use and abuse whenever he fancies.

Don't be naive, Scorps. He is still the way you've come to see him now. He did not change.

I do however believe that he misses what he had. Of course he does. Bloody hell, I'd do too, even if I didn't even love you. He had it easy. Tough. Don't let him deceive you again. You've come out the other side already, don't turn back now.

Btw, tell your friend in the nicest possible way not to tell you about any more texts etc. Tell her that it upsets you. I'm sure she meant well, but it's not helping.

And if he ever brings this up, tell him to grow up and stop running around telling stories to third parties like some giggly 12-year old girl. Good freaken grief.

I know I don't get why he won't tell me. Suspect it's my dad.

I was out with friend on sturday and he text her literally just hi.

Then all this text was yesterday. She told him off. I asked her if she had heard from him since and she couldn't lie. Is very trustworthy old friend of mine you see.

I thought I was doing well and now I feel like I'm waiting.

He was saying he didn't want to leave when he did and was talking about when I had to go to hospital after having lacey.

He's still being a coward now. Though my dad has banned him from talking to me, and he won't mess with that.

I don't hate you sal you have been and still are fabulous

Don't be a complete fool to be taken in by this Scorps.
He has discovered that his freezom has been spoiled by Z's arrival. You are an easy option. He sees you all living together and then he can go back to his lying cheating ways.
If Z's mum wants him back he will be off again like a shot. You are nothing but an unpiad babysitter to him.
If he really regreted what he has done he would have found a way to tell you himself instead of using a 3rd person to do his dirty work. Of course he knew that your friend would tell you what he said--he is counting on it. Make you feel all vulnerable again and then you will welcome him back with open arms.
Once a scumbag alwayys a scumbag. Read over your recent posts whe you started to see what he was really like.
YOU DESERVE AND WILL GET BETTER

"The emotional abuser often plays pushme-pullyou. He will indicate that his interest in his partner is waning, and when she begins to start separating from him, he will become attentive and interested again."

From this website.

Aww, Scorps, just saw your last sentence. Thank you, that means a lot to me. x

And no, it's not because of your dad that he doesn't tell you, it's because of him. He is a coward. He was this way about other things before your dad intervened - this is just his current favourite excuse. Your dad is right in restricting access, it confuses and upsets you.

He wanted to leave. He did so many things I don't want to drag up again now.

You're doing brilliantly. Fantastically. You know what, never in my wildest dreams did I think you'll do SO well at this early stage. I think it's because of what happened last year. In your subconscious you probably realised it's the beginning of the end already late last year, so not such a complete shock when it actually happened. It's more the practicalities that's hard, not being separated from him. You're doing great. And because this was bound to happen anyway, I'm glad in a way that it has now. Just another small obstacle in your road to recovery.

Dont you think its odd that you go out for the night looking glam and then he wants to fuck with your head?
He knew dam well your mate would tell you about the text.
He wants a babysitter for z and cant stand the thought of losing controll fo you.
Where the fuck was this joker when you were in peices?
He was titting about chatting to stupid little girls (j ect) about how tough hie life is.

I'm so sorry. He is playing a game.
Hw is so bloody predictable, I was wondering yesterday about when he would start this shit.

Please dont let this put you back. xx

Sorry about typos. So wound up with him!

How to stay away. See, your dad has his reasons. Try to refrain from asking friends, hide him on Facebook, and ask friends not to mention details. In a couple of months these things will matter less, but now it's confusing you for no good reason.

Come back and talk to us, we won't bite (you )

Ooh, and where's the pics of Saturday night?? I want to see how fabulous you looked!

Thankyou everyone am Reading but can't type much as feeding, dishes etc

Oh ok ok then. What happened to multitasking, hey?? Scorps SW GODBD (Super Woman Getting On Day By Day)

Second what everyone else says.

You're doing absolutely amazingly well and you need to stay strong. If you give in, you'll just have to go through it all again further on down the line and you'll wish you'd stood firm this time.

Your Dad is protecting you because he loves you - that's what love is. Looking after those you care about. Contrast that with the way K has made you feel - that's not love.

< quick hijack >

sal, I have emailed you x

< Thanks, AF. >

Am still Reading but can't even get any feelings straight enough to write down

luckily is CPN tomorrow at 3.

On one hand I think this is my MARRIAGE

on other - cheating, lying ,that pain I used to get in my chest ,secrets ,miscarriage and 18 yr olds ,growling ,feeling never enough, unattractive, 'lucky' to have him feeling, scared, scanning the horizon, secret phones, secret liasons,

I'm scared. Haven't told my parents and i want to but don't know.

Brain feels a scramble.

No, you don't have your marriage anymore. Yes, on paper maybe, but you haven't been married for years now. Not really.

So what you have, is on one hand:

cheating, lying ,that pain I used to get in my chest ,secrets ,miscarriage and 18 yr olds ,growling ,feeling never enough, unattractive, 'lucky' to have him feeling, scared, scanning the horizon, secret phones, secret liasons,

and on the other:

someone who doesn't love you, but wants his freedom to box. who doesn't want to give up his weekends visiting your (his) children, and would much rather see them in evenings so that he can go have sex box on weekends. oh, and he needs a mom for z. other one doesn't want him, so you'll have to do. if not, it'll use up his shagging relaxing time again.

Don't be naive. You know deep down why he's doing it. You're not stupid Scorp. Everyone (remember your friend's husband) told you he'd do this.

Talk to your dad if you feel you need clarity. He loves you more than anything, and would never suggest something that would make you unhappy.

I know you want all this awfulness to go away. For it never to have happened. To believe what he's saying.

But it's not true. I'm so so so so sorry to have to tell you that. But it is.

(Btw, it's not just that I'm saying this, picked randomly from the air - his behaviour is not that of someone having a nervous breakdown. It was premeditated. Planned. Over months. Some things over years. That is not the signs of someone having a nervous breakdown.)

Apparently all this started before z's situation

why won't he tell me

Should tell my parents but I can't

Feeling all mixed up. What am I supposed to do? Why isn't he telling me? Maybe he feels all that but doesn't want it back.

God I was doing ok.

Hey Scorps, I haven't been ignoring you, been following this thread and applauding Sal and everyone else's brilliant posts and advice.

What are you feeling mixed up about?

I think he isn't telling you because he doesn't care enough to, is feeling sorry for himself about it all despite the fact that it's all his doing.

As a complete aside, does Lacey's cardi fit her yet? x

Does he come to see the kids, if so is it worth trying to talk to him? know all the stuff you are going through has been agony for you what with nipper and all.

If he really does want to try again, might be worth keeping him at arms length and dating for little bit. You have to decide if it is what you want though, and if you are prepared to try again.

It does not matter what he wants or why he can't be fussed enough, Scorp.

What do you want? Do you want him to come to you, say how much he loves you, how sorry he is, how perfect his life is with you, how he'll never ever do it again. Do you want him to beg you for forgiveness? Why??? I know, no, I think and dread, that you'll take him back. It will be a massive, massive mistake, and really unfair towards your children. Your call of course, but it won't make it right.

So, really, what I'm saying is him being (as usual) not bothered re apologising properly is good, because you're not back to him yet. But I'm afraid if he realises how hard life is on his own (which is starting to happen already), he might be bothered enough to actually suck up in real life. And it breaks my heart that you might just say ok. And, to be honest, I don't know why you'd do it. This is not the first time he messed up. It won't be the last either.

I want to beg you not to, but realise it's pointless. But think very very very carefully. For everyone's sakes, but most importantly that of your children.

Sorry, probably out of line there. I'll step back. I'm here for you either way, and you know my feeling about it.