I did a bad, bad thing.....and I'm sort of thinking I'd like to do it again

[SlinkyMuminky]

OK, sorry if this is a bit long. Have only ever posted on MN a couple of times, tend to be a bit of a lurker. Know you ladies are very good at talking some sense into people, so would love you to do the same for me.

Have worked for my present boss for nearly 15 years. He's a charming alpha male, very successful in his career and we get on extremely well - he works out of our NY office, whilst I am London based. I am also quite senior in our company, and have made it this far - I believe - purely on my own merit .

So, Saturday evening he's in the UK for a Christmas function, we both get extremely drunk and he ends up staying in my hotel room. We did nothing but spend the night together, mainly talking and kissing a few times. No sex, not even close. I was in PJs in bed the whole night.

Now, I'll pause to mention that I believe I have a strong marriage. My husband's not the easiest of men to live with, but I love him and we've been together a long time. We have DTs aged 3 and this has put inevitable strain on our relationship. The last couple of years have been hard and any notions of romance feel long abandoned.

I am obviously feeling very guilty for what I've done....but I'm now imagining how great it would have been to go further and would love to do it again.

I know this is utterly stupid, and also know why I am doing it. Looking for some escapist, romantic nonsense, but unfortunately I live in a world with commitments and responsibilities and feel like I'm in the middle of a 'holiday romance'.

There is no positive outcome to even considering trying for round two. I have a beautiful family to consider, and my professional reputation would be severely damaged. People would assume I was only in the position I am because I'd slept with my boss.

So, come on ladies, please come tell me what a twat I'm being and shake some sense into me.

Thanks

I can imagine most people would be tempted at some stage of their lives - flattered, or intrigued, or whatever the reason. I have been. There's nothing wrong with being tempted.

But that's when you get to apply discretion and make a choice - you either act on it or you don't. As one of my teachers told us when we were very young; "my dears, say NO!"

Oh my word, easier said than done when someone offers you a drink of water when you have been walking through the desert for fifteen years.

If you're human. Some of us are obviously more human than others, though.

Then you have to be ready to deal with the fall-out. Whatever happens next will generate repercussions - so be prepared for that.

I have a theory that those who embark on such actions are on some level hoping for repercussions.

A perhaps cowardly way of shaking up a status quo that has become utterly unbearable.

Just a theory though.

He's your boss and you let him see you in your jim jams ?

For fuck's sake Woman; where's your head ?

There are already repercussions.

Withdraw like an Amoeba. When anything unpleasant comes along and is "difficult"; just withdraw and not respond and curl up into ball.

In your position, I would tell my DH. Because I believe complete honesty is absolutely essential to an adult relationship.

Complete honesty is absolutely essential to an adult relationship?

Blimey flip, I'm glad I'm not married to you, then.

However, I'm sure the feeling is mutual.

I'd go with your 'on some level hoping for repercussions theory' Bobbiewickham. Not necessarily cowardly though. I think sometimes you don't realise how unhappy you have been in your relationship until the bomb has dropped and you have the benefit of hindsight. Sometimes affairs make sense only in retrospect no?

Bobbiewickham.

I'm not a religoius nut; but I'm facing the end of my marriage because I can't meet my vows of fidelity. 25 + years.

There are many sides to many stories.

I don't care about religion (for other people); I care only for my own; but consider and appreciate All.

But the One true religion that I hold to, is that "Women are the absolute life force of the world."

So Bobbiewkham; I'm glad I'm not married to you.

Complete honesty is essential to an honest adult relationship.

I agree that women are the absolute life-force of the world. I am one!

But complete honesty not possible. I honestly believe that there are very few people who are capable of complete honesty with themselves, let alone anyone else - and believe me, if I was completely honest with the people in my life, I wouldn't have any people in my life.

It's taken me five years of therapy, two bouts of depression and a course of beta blockers to realise how miserable I've been for years.

Now I'm finally being honest with myself, there are going to be massive repercussions when I try anything approaching honesty with my loved ones.

I'm approaching the New Year with extreme trepidation.

Jeni7 - maybe cowardly the wrong word.

Subconsciously perhaps better.

What if you know all along why you are doing it? It's hard not to get cross with your partner for putting you in that position. Especially when you have begged and pleaded for change, to no avail.

i'm sure the fantasy will be much more exciting than the reality. Remember in moonlighting when bruce willis and cybil shepherd finally got together? it was rubbish after that

What if it wasn't excitement you're after? What if it's just having someone around who makes you feel important, notices the little things, wants you to be happy, puts you first and doesn't take you for granted?

What if being with them brings you perfect, perfect peace, instead of the interminable back and forth thinking and simmering resentment?

What if you could just loiter about on a sofa reading with them for hours and feel more completely at home with them than you've ever felt in your own house?

What then?

Bobbiewickham, I admire you. Could not agree more about the honesty stuff.
Good luck with your decisions

Thanks Jasper - that's good to hear as I sure as hell don't admire myself much at the moment.

Don't even fricking know myself, come to that...

I'm puzzled by this. Bobbie seems to be saying that all the time she has been dishonest with herself and others, she has felt miserable and resentful. Now that she is being honest with herself, it's scary because it looks like she's going to have to be honest with others - but presumably you're considering this Bobbie, because you can no longer go on living a lie? Being dishonest has brought you misery and resentment - and you see a happier future for yourself by letting yourself be with the person who gives you peace?

Seems like a pretty potent case for honesty then.

I understand all too well why people fear honesty - it might rock the boat, end the marriage, hurt others etc. But the alternative seems just as awful - living a lie, having a relationship that never reaches its potential, having reduced intimacy etc.

Sometimes we've got to be brave and face our demons - having an honest conversation with your partner does not mean that all hell will break loose - and if it does, maybe it should, because something needs to change. Doing nothing though and having a kind of inertia in the relationship is not going to change what's wrong.

Saying that honesty is not achievable is often I think based on fear, rather than a genuine belief. Much more comfortable (and I've done this myself) to think that honesty between couples is a bit of a myth, because that gives us permission to do nothing.

And then we quietly die inside....

Oh, I hear you, WWIFN, I really do.

Am trucking on with the therapy, trying to build up the strength.

Doesn't help that my dh is a man who does nothing really wrong - just passive and emotionally unavailable. According to my therapist, he has a schizoid personality, and I have a histrionic one - a match made in hell.

I have had to let my friend go (I say friend, because essentially that's what he was - the dearest one I have ever had. And we never did The Deed) because for multifarious reasons we both knew it would never work. It was a classic case of right person, wrong time, wrong place. Jesus, it's hard.

I also have persuaded my dh to come for counselling, and didn't feel as if I would be giving it a fair chance if I had my friend waiting in the wings. I need to throw everything I can at my marriage, so I can look my kids in the eye if the worst happens.

Oh, and you're probably right about the lack of honesty being based on fear.

Life is messy, isn't it?

Well good for you Bobbie - I think you're right to throw everything you can at trying to rescue your marriage. It's such a good sign that you've persuaded DH to go to counselling - if he's a passive and emotionally unavalable man, I'd imagine that must have been no mean feat. I think counselling can really help when couples get stuck in a constant cycle of pleas for change, empty promises etc.

Most of us need a catalyst in life to make us change our behaviour - the real threat of losing you might be his.

Working through the after-tremors of a catalyst is scary stuff, but worth it, what ever the outcome.

Does your H know about the friend?

No mean feat indeed. It's unbelievable, actually. I'm still at the "I'll believe it when I see it" stage, but we'll see.

I told him I had had feelings for someone else. I named no names, but am pretty sure he knows who it is. I didn't say the feelings were reciprocated though. He just said something about the grass not necessarily being greener on the other side of the fence.

I've been as honest with him as I dare outside a therapeutic setting. He does tend to bury his head in the sand re: the state of our marriage. He's a Keep Calm and Carry On type, where I'm more your Now Panic and Freak Out sort.

It's hard though. My friend cried when I ended our relationship. My dh merely looks mildly affronted when I warn him I can't see us making it past the kids leaving home. Makes me wonder who loves me most. Which I know makes me the world's biggest narcissist.

I think it's pretty understandable to feel the way you do, but it seems to me that your H is scared - and maybe he has never given himself permission to be "scared" before. We all play roles in our relationships - his has been the calm, unflappable one and yours has been the fiery, demonstrative one. One of the biggest gifts you can give your marriage is to allow eachother to step out of the roles you have created and to express your vulnerabilities.

This is often what I mean on threads about being honest. You have actually given your H the most enormous gift of your honesty - you've said that you've developed feelings for someone else. I suspect his reaction isn't an honest reflection of how he feels - he can't allow himself to yelp in pain. His way of expressing that pain is to agree to something he never would have before - talking to a counsellor about it. This is a really good sign Bobbie - that catalyst is coming and instead of feeling trepidation (though I understand it) try and embrace it.

You are doing all the right things Bobbie. You're allowing your H the opportunity to fight for his marriage. You've been honest. Your H will need help with that fight, especially if his behaviours are so ingrained. But believe me, it sounds to me like he's willing to fight, he just needs to give himself permission to admit how terrified he is that he's going to lose.

Thanks, WWIFN - you're very kind.

I just keep thinking, something is keeping me here, so maybe I do love him, deep down. It's just that stuff keeps getting in the way, and there has been damage done by both of us in the past ; issues that still remain unresolved.

Hopefully the counselling will help us to get past it all. We'll see.

Good luck with it Bobbie - you are very courageous, don't ever think otherwise. When ever I've done something scary but ethical, I've always been rewarded for taking that step.
And yes, I think you love him very much.

I do hope so...time will tell.

And now I need to go join him. I don't think I'm helping matters any by staying downstairs until this time!

Night...and thanks again.

I think that you need to think very hard about what happens next between you and your husband, and then move on with that with real effort. Think very carefully about telling your husband, because if you do you will almost certainly hurt him very very much. Personally I think it is an incredibly selfish thing to do, with no real upside. People "tell all" to make themselves feel better. You've already done one really shitty thing, don't compound it with another. As you probably have plenty of funds, I'd go and tell a counselor, as soon as possible. A totally neutral person to whom you can confess, and who may be able to help you work out what you need to do to make things better. So get it off your chest to someone who really won't care.

To those who say that they know their partner would never ever be unfaithful, that's what I thought too, and to be honest I am fairly sure that's what my dh thought too, before he actually had his affair. I have never thought about being intimate with anyone other than my dh - even when we were separated it was still him I dreamed about. I just don't think that makes me a better person, it's just how I am wired - or maybe I just never met anyone who pushed the right buttons.

The other lesson for the OP is not to get drunk at a work do. In fact I think that getting so drunk you lose all your inhibitions is an incredibly stupid thing to do. Doing it with work colleagues is even worse, and totally unprofessional. I hope that they were all too drunk to notice, because what you did is an absolute gift to the gossip mill.

Agree with Nooka - don't see any point in telling dh that something nearly happened, as it won't change anything. But you do need to tell him that someone else has caught your eye, and that means that there's something a bit shaky that needs to be addressed in the relationship.

I said those exact words, "no, B would never be unfaithful. I know him." Ha! More fool me. After he left me for his secretary I got a letter from the wife of his oldest friend saying how sad they both were that we'd broken up, but that her husband wasn't surprised, as this was something B ALWAYS DOES. So it shows just how well I knew my husband after 4 years. He's subsequently cheated on the secretary that he left me for, which just proves that leopards don't change their spots.

Good on you for not acting on it, but also good on you for trying to fix the relationship. Life ain't easy. Best of luck.

have only read the OP.

you risk your relationship with your OH and the respect your colleagues have for you at work.

it is not worth theh risk.