I did a bad, bad thing.....and I'm sort of thinking I'd like to do it again

[SlinkyMuminky]

OK, sorry if this is a bit long. Have only ever posted on MN a couple of times, tend to be a bit of a lurker. Know you ladies are very good at talking some sense into people, so would love you to do the same for me.

Have worked for my present boss for nearly 15 years. He's a charming alpha male, very successful in his career and we get on extremely well - he works out of our NY office, whilst I am London based. I am also quite senior in our company, and have made it this far - I believe - purely on my own merit .

So, Saturday evening he's in the UK for a Christmas function, we both get extremely drunk and he ends up staying in my hotel room. We did nothing but spend the night together, mainly talking and kissing a few times. No sex, not even close. I was in PJs in bed the whole night.

Now, I'll pause to mention that I believe I have a strong marriage. My husband's not the easiest of men to live with, but I love him and we've been together a long time. We have DTs aged 3 and this has put inevitable strain on our relationship. The last couple of years have been hard and any notions of romance feel long abandoned.

I am obviously feeling very guilty for what I've done....but I'm now imagining how great it would have been to go further and would love to do it again.

I know this is utterly stupid, and also know why I am doing it. Looking for some escapist, romantic nonsense, but unfortunately I live in a world with commitments and responsibilities and feel like I'm in the middle of a 'holiday romance'.

There is no positive outcome to even considering trying for round two. I have a beautiful family to consider, and my professional reputation would be severely damaged. People would assume I was only in the position I am because I'd slept with my boss.

So, come on ladies, please come tell me what a twat I'm being and shake some sense into me.

Thanks

So you spent the night, drunk in a bedroom.

Now imagine you did it again - you got drunk in a hotel. But this time you undressed each other - he had a very small erm, member, and the sex was woefully inadequate. In fact as you sobered up, he made your cringe. You woke up in the morning to his stinking breath - and his chest hair on the pillow.

You walked into the bathroom and looked at your self in the mirror.

Then you had to go into work - he walks into the office. Yikes!

Then you have to go home and see your family.

Don't just imagine the romantic bit - do the whole thing.

Dont do it, just think of all the fall out and you will probably sober up fast. I am on my own with 2 kids as a result of 2 peoples bit of fun. There are 2 broken familes involving 4 kids following an affair that didnt last more than a couple of months. The damage that was done can never be repaired. It might seem exciting but it is the road to hell and you dont have to go down it.

Okay - the good news is that you are seeing this for exactly what it is - a bit of escapist nonsense at a time when you are probably feeling pulled in a million directions. Working full-time with young children at home is hard work. It's easy to see how the romance you once felt with your H has taken a back seat.

Your boss is probably shitting himself that you want more than he is willing to give - after 15 years of a working relationship it's pretty unlikely he will suddenly decide you are his true soul mate. He's probably as worried as you that the working relationship is going to be jeopardised. One of you has got to clear the air and state that this will never happen again.

Treat it as a wake-up call. These things happen for a reason. Have a conversation with your H about the way your lives are going and agree to put more effort into making eachother feel special again. I'd always recommend full disclosure of what happened, but if you cannot and will not do that, at least permit yourself to be honest with your H about the way you are feeling; weighed down with responsibilities and in need of some carefree fun. He's probably feeling the same, incidentally.

Have that fun with your DH - if needs be, get someone to have the kids one weekend and go somewhere so that you can have uninterrupted conversations with your H and lots of "hotel sex".

The alternative is just misery, for all involved. Chances are, you haven't been secretly lusting after this man for 15 years and you have fallen victim to the (very understandable) buzz of someone you like as a person, finding you attractive. The experience no doubt made you feel young and feminine again, instead of a pack-horse with to-do lists a mile long.

At this time of year, think about the Christmas you could be having - and then the alternative of seeing your kids only on alternative years. Think about the hurt on your H's face. Most of all, really try to walk in his shoes. How would you feel if he had done the same and was now teetering on the edge of destroying your life. Wouldn't you want to hit the "stop button"?

Ok it's late and I am pissed. Grow bloody up.

I have spent the last 2 weeks supporting a very good friend whose H did what you are doing. His progressed to sex though. She is devastated.

If you are unhappy - fine. Do something about it. That means having some integrity and leaving BEFORE you embark on anything else.

Been in almost the same situation as you, but mine did lead to sex (with a colleague in our NY office, oddly enough).

The aftermath was horrible. I told DH - cue a huge amount of sadness, anger, depression, etc. We had counselling a few times, and over 2 years later we are back to 'normal'. We never mention it now, and DH never brings it up, however I can never be sure he doesn't sometimes think about what I did, and feel utterly betrayed.

Not worth it.

Coming to this late, it's kind of all been said already but I can't resist a sitting target...

What you did was stupid, and well done for recognising it. We all make occasional mistakes so forgive yourself and treat it as a wake-up call to do some work on your marriage

BUT

to go on dwelling on it and hoping it will happen again is beyond stupid. You wouldn't have the excuse you had last time, that you were both drunk and it kind of caught you by surprise - you'd be doing it on purpose and there is no justification for that. Do yourself a BIG favour and train yourself into some sensible habits - like getting your hugs and kisses from your own dear life partner, and NOT getting drunk like some daft teenager on work trips. You know it makes sense.

As someone who has had a short affair recently for all of the above reasons- escApism from the pressures of family work etc, wanting to feel young and desired again, DH settling into complacent middle age, the fizz going from our relationship etc etc -don't beat yrslf up about it. My DH half found out and I half told him and we r going thru an agonizing examination of why it happened. The truths r hard but already I feel our marriage is going to survive and be 100 timesbetter for it I had become enormously unhappy without realising it

this has been a real wake upcall to me to give my marriage the tlc it needed or it would be over.

HandmedownQueen - it would be great for you to update your old thread and let us know how things panned out, but I am so delighted for you that things are out in the open and you are working on your relationship. Sounds like it did happen for a reason after all. Great to hear from you.

In addition to all the comments made above, WHEN (not IF) this gets out, you are going to be a laughing stock.

You're not a twat, you just have human weaknesses and primitive urges that nature uses to try to get you addicted to someone for the purposes of procreating as much as possible and carrying on your genes.

You are not an animal though, you live in a civilised society where we don't hurt our spouses by cheating on them, so you need to use lots of self control, and I know it is hard because it works like an addiction.

Don't let nature trick you! You don't have to have loads of babies to make sure some of them survive and carry on your genes like you might have needed to in caveman times, so these urges are no longer so necessary! You can choose to have an easier life with a few children and one partner who makes you feel secure. This is a benefit of living in a civilised modern society. Appreciate that benefit and don't jeopardise it for your primitive urges!

Affairs or thinking about them are really mostly to do with fantasy and I think they are probably mostly about oneself and not the other person at all. I think they happen when people are at a cross-roads in their lives. They are all about the "what ifs" and about examining the choices that have been made and whether we made the right ones or want to stick with our choices. Think they also play into psychological issues like "drama triangle" - have a google it's quite interesting stuff. If you imgine yourself as single, free to see whoever you want without any of the drama attached to a potential affair - would it be so enticing? I reck nine times out of ten, no. People love the drama associated with it. The problem is that married sex can get, well, rather dull I suppose.

Slinkymuminki - I'm very late to this thread - have to change back to my "Badgirl" name and tear myself away from Goodhousekeeping etc.

I'll come at this from a slightly different angle (though the message is the same) After your little experience unfortunately this is likely to become an itch you can't scratch and whatever you do I can guarantee your mind will try to go back to it all again and again.

No No No it is not a good idea. But I'm not at all sure that thnking of this bloke as being crap at sex and having a tiny willy will be any good for you, because in all probability he will be at least average at sex and be perfectly respectably equipped - and you know this and won't be conned by thoughts to the contrary.

I think what is probably more constructive is to think through all possible consequences, and not just the scaremongering ones ( which quite frankly don't impress you much when you feel like this)

1. He probably realilses it is not a good idea anyway - he would have been a bit more sexual if it had been unleashed desire simmering away for years ( thank goodness for that at least)

1. If you went on to have a full blooded affair all the statistics point to it being finshed i 4 months or less - and there is a lot of grief to cope with then even if it goes totally undetected.

1. If you had an affair and it lasted longer then you would get bored with it eventually ,it would just become another chore to fit into life and another source of pressure - so not worth the risk.

1. Yes there are substantial risks to your credibility at work and your marriage - but I expect you are a bit too blineded by this experience to fully think them through. However, if you go on with it the first time you nearly get caught I tell you your life will flash in front of you and you will realise what you really want, and if you do get caught well....

1. If in the happy alternative world he drives up outside your house and say s "come

away with me" ( as I often fantasised my OM would do) the fantasy is that it is a hedonistic lovely life you are heading off to with no cares or responsibilities. In fact in that trailer behind the car there are all his relations, all yours, both your children - we talk about "baggage" but if yu really stop to think about all the literal and virtual baggage there really is you realise you are off to a life that is far more fraught, difficult and complicated than you have at the moment.

1. When it ends if he dumps you it is more painful than you can imagine.

So, this is the VCAU practical and real life set of reasons to stop this here. In my mispent youth before I got married I ended up in the stationary cupboard or bent over my desk at many an office party (spread out over many years, I hasten to add - I wan't known for this!) In this situation it is far easier to say phew! why did I do that and put it down as an aberation than if you are responding to a slow burn office infatuation.
if you make that decision now I think all those distracting thoughts will eventually go away - though it may take a few weeks.

Of course there are all sorts of things you need to do with your husband to enrich your lives - I'll leave those to the experts ( my somewhat unconventional views on that matter generaly end up with threads going massively off track) Put it down to experience and don't beat yourself up too much, keep smiling too.

Don't do it! Aside from the moral aspects and what it will do to other people, it is pretty much guaranteed to make you miserable. I've seen friends go through it and it's amazing how fast what seems like an exciting, thrilling romance crumbles into a horrendous, painful mess with no knight in shining armour in the middle of it after all. He will not be what he seems if this all ends up happening.

"Charming alpha male" RUN. A. MILE. They are the absolute worst.

Ladies, truly I am grateful. There is some fantastic advice here, and I mean to take it. I have to keep this short as I'm at work and probably not the best environment to be messaging, but I really appreciate the time you've taken to give such sage and constructive advice - I'll be following it for sure, and plan to spend my energy and imagination on re-kindling my relationship with my DH.

You are not a Twat.

You are getting carried away on the wonederful feelings of lust, attrcation, flirtation and connection that cause perefctly nice people to do really awful things.

I am redaing anna karenina at the moemnt, Tolstoy describs this so well, how powerful it is, how universal, how so hard to resist, and how ultimatley only sadness and tragedy can result.(that's the bit you need!)

So my unusual advice is, go read Tolstoy.

Then try to make yourself do the right thing and overcome the intense feelings.
Good Luck.

Nah - read Madame Bovary. Even better as it covers how affairs are intoxicating and then become extremely boring. Plus there's more humour!

Well with all this reading you will not have time to indulge these feelings.

MP-I always remeber you sayig that your Dh described you as being 'widly romantic with vey low standards.'

I love this and have often used it to describe my own past.

I have made many men very grateful

No, don't get me started - the usual suspects will be in for the kill in no time at all and I'll be off to flouncers corner. I'm thinking of just putting together a string of references to paste in for ths situation, so I don't get all het up about it.

Go ahead if you are happy to screw up your twins' lives for good for a man to lie in bed with in your PJs - hardly escapism is it?

You're being a twat!