I did a bad, bad thing.....and I'm sort of thinking I'd like to do it again

[SlinkyMuminky]

OK, sorry if this is a bit long. Have only ever posted on MN a couple of times, tend to be a bit of a lurker. Know you ladies are very good at talking some sense into people, so would love you to do the same for me.

Have worked for my present boss for nearly 15 years. He's a charming alpha male, very successful in his career and we get on extremely well - he works out of our NY office, whilst I am London based. I am also quite senior in our company, and have made it this far - I believe - purely on my own merit .

So, Saturday evening he's in the UK for a Christmas function, we both get extremely drunk and he ends up staying in my hotel room. We did nothing but spend the night together, mainly talking and kissing a few times. No sex, not even close. I was in PJs in bed the whole night.

Now, I'll pause to mention that I believe I have a strong marriage. My husband's not the easiest of men to live with, but I love him and we've been together a long time. We have DTs aged 3 and this has put inevitable strain on our relationship. The last couple of years have been hard and any notions of romance feel long abandoned.

I am obviously feeling very guilty for what I've done....but I'm now imagining how great it would have been to go further and would love to do it again.

I know this is utterly stupid, and also know why I am doing it. Looking for some escapist, romantic nonsense, but unfortunately I live in a world with commitments and responsibilities and feel like I'm in the middle of a 'holiday romance'.

There is no positive outcome to even considering trying for round two. I have a beautiful family to consider, and my professional reputation would be severely damaged. People would assume I was only in the position I am because I'd slept with my boss.

So, come on ladies, please come tell me what a twat I'm being and shake some sense into me.

Thanks

"Solid relationships are rarely built on complete honesty."

100% right!

Complete searing honesty is very uncomfortable and rather cruel IMO. DH's gut hangs over his boxers a bit. He ain't as sylph like as he once was. Neither am I Would it be a good thing to say this? No. I imagine that he looks at women quite regularly and probably fancies them in a idle way. Do I care? No. Would I want to know the full details? No.

I can't really see how we got on to the notion that the OP might 'fess up to her H - her initial post was saying she'd rather like to do it again, so imagine that confession is the last thing she was thinking of doing.

As you'd expect, I agree with those posters who commend honesty about indiscretions, but only the OP knows what she is personally capable of. I agree with Mayor that it is delusional when posters say they are with-holding secrets in the name of some noble cause - I have more respect for people who admit that they are scared their partners will leave them if they tell all.

But this is pretty academic because our OP doesn't even appear to be there yet with that particular dilemma.

It is not surprising to me in the least that people commend VCAU's wisdom in her alternatively named posts - I've no idea why you feel the need to switch names VCAU, but although you and I for example, often disagree about the honesty issue, like most people in RL, it would be surprising if we failed to agree on some issues at least. I imagine that the other people you have crossed swords with feel the same.

Oh Jeez; another illicit affair post.

I've just hopped over to yours from mine. I can tell you there is trouble ahead. I'm in the process of trying to put my own affair (same as you - not the boss - but close family friend that would crucify my DH to the most catastrophic affect) behind me. An affair is like a drug - believe me. You end up needing it and craving it, and there's no happy ending.

Oh give it a whirl for Chrimbo! See what he puts in your stocking - it could be a cracker!!

Get again I don't agree with Malificence. This is getting to be a habit.

I wish I was as sure about almost anything as Mal seems to be about most things.

"None of us could live with a habitual truth-teller, but thank goodness none of us have to." - Mark Twain.

A lot of the people telling me how wrong and misguided I am, seem to be in unhappy situations or not-great marriages, yet I've managed to stay in a happy marriage for almost 25 years whilst living with total honesty.

It works for us, but then we both value honesty, respect and trust , in fact even more so for my husband than myself.

Brutal honesty is only cruel if it's meant to be. I can't imagine living any other way.

mal - I am bang at it with your dh. He is bare nang and goes like a train.

WTF is "bare nang" ? sorry I only speak English.

He hasn't got the energy for anyone else. The train bit's spot on though.

Never really understood the train analogy - starts late and then stops and starts at random with frustrating lack of communication before unexpectedly dumping shit on the line?

My nickname used to be The Chunnel but I think that was for Bad Reasons

I don't think you should tell people that.

You are suffering from temporary madness known as lust. It really is madness and you need to be locked up till it passes. Do not throw away what you have got - you are walking on very thin ice.

What happens when the train gets stuck in a tunnel? It happens in the Rev Awdry books quite a lot. I think that could be worrying

Malificence - out of interest - most of us are on these threads about EMAs becauase we have become involved in some way, as OW or wronged partner, and we have learned something from the experience. If I'm right in remembering your circumstances you and your DH have been married for many years, and when you were a teenager you made it very clear that if compete and utter fidelity was very important to you and that you would give that and expected it in return. if that did not happen you would end the marriage ( hope I have got that right)

As I understand it you have had a very happy marriage, with a DD now grown up and you often post about a very vibrant sex life. So,

why are you so interested in the EMA threads?

and

When your experience of marriage and life is very different to most of us on here why are you so dictatorial about how everyone should run their lives?

There are so many questions and so many answers - but I just wonder why - when it doesn't impinge on your life and ideals at all you feel so much of an urge to contriute on these topics?

"Solid relationships are rarely built on complete honesty."

100% right!

Complete searing honesty is very uncomfortable and rather cruel IMO. DH's gut hangs over his boxers a bit. He ain't as sylph like as he once was. Neither am I Would it be a good thing to say this? No. I imagine that he looks at women quite regularly and probably fancies them in a idle way. Do I care? No. Would I want to know the full details? No."

so follwing the logic of the post you quoted it's cool if he fucks around as long as you don't find out

No.

I trust that he won't. Although I can't stop him if he chooses to.

But in the ordinary run of the mill things I think total honesty is overrated yes.

Would you tell your OH that they were looking fat and old for example? Or does that though never occur to you?

No MQ, but plenty of people enjoy flirting and don't give a toss if their partner enjoys flirting, without having any remote desire to know the details of any such flirting, or to hear about such flirting, or to rake through another peron's emails and texts for such information. Lots of friendships can be saucy and fun and indiscreet without that having any impact on a marriage.

Also I work almost exclusively with men, he works almost exclusively with women. There is inevitably a bit of harmless flirty banter. That's the way it works. I don't need to know the details, neither does he.

VCAU I was wondering the same thing .

I'm struggling to see how office banter and flirting is relevant here. Isn't it a better analogy to ask how we would feel if our H's spent the night in the same bed with his female boss and snogged her?

sorry but any reason you put forward about wjhy you did it is a pile of pooh.
You did it because you wanted to, you are risking everything for Pjs and kisses?? are you mad.
Kick yourself inot gear and spend more time working on your marriage than in hotel rooms with your boss.

It wasn't a comparison whenwill, it was continuing a side discussion as to whether total and complete honesty was a good thing in a relationship.

Consider yourself very lucky that you are only having to deal with kissing another man and stop entertaining any thoughts of any thing else.

Marriage and kids can put a strain on a relationship and this is your wake up call. Use it.

just be careful because that lust feeling is horribly addictive and it won't be long before you'll start feeling like you need it again

I would tell someone out loud what you have done. For some reason, that will make it feel a lot more real (and unpleasant).