I did a bad, bad thing.....and I'm sort of thinking I'd like to do it again

[SlinkyMuminky]

OK, sorry if this is a bit long. Have only ever posted on MN a couple of times, tend to be a bit of a lurker. Know you ladies are very good at talking some sense into people, so would love you to do the same for me.

Have worked for my present boss for nearly 15 years. He's a charming alpha male, very successful in his career and we get on extremely well - he works out of our NY office, whilst I am London based. I am also quite senior in our company, and have made it this far - I believe - purely on my own merit .

So, Saturday evening he's in the UK for a Christmas function, we both get extremely drunk and he ends up staying in my hotel room. We did nothing but spend the night together, mainly talking and kissing a few times. No sex, not even close. I was in PJs in bed the whole night.

Now, I'll pause to mention that I believe I have a strong marriage. My husband's not the easiest of men to live with, but I love him and we've been together a long time. We have DTs aged 3 and this has put inevitable strain on our relationship. The last couple of years have been hard and any notions of romance feel long abandoned.

I am obviously feeling very guilty for what I've done....but I'm now imagining how great it would have been to go further and would love to do it again.

I know this is utterly stupid, and also know why I am doing it. Looking for some escapist, romantic nonsense, but unfortunately I live in a world with commitments and responsibilities and feel like I'm in the middle of a 'holiday romance'.

There is no positive outcome to even considering trying for round two. I have a beautiful family to consider, and my professional reputation would be severely damaged. People would assume I was only in the position I am because I'd slept with my boss.

So, come on ladies, please come tell me what a twat I'm being and shake some sense into me.

Thanks

Lots of people are being very judgemental I think. Never done anything foolish? Never been tempted? Always told the complete and honest truth to every partner you've ever had? Then you're better women than me! This doesn't mean I'm advocating going any further with your boss though slinkymuminky, although of course that is entirely up to you. Just be clear that if you do, you are jeopardising your marriage and your career. If you are comfortable taking that risk then again, that is entirely up to you. I wonder if you are truly happy in your marriage if this potential affair is so tempting...

agree jeni

sometimes is think mumsnetters are automatons

Yes, I'm a Stepford wife.

Have I ever:
Done anything foolish? No never.
Been tempted? No never.
Been anything other than honest with my husband? No never.
Not once in 27 years, it's not difficult.

Any other questions?

Do you work, Mal?

See I just don't understand how people who mix with lots of colleagues and go away with lots of colleagues can say that they are never tempted

(genuinely curious)

I really think it's not a NORMAL state of affairs (no pun intended) not to fancy people

Admittedly I fancy most people

Yes I work, why, do you think I sit at home all day with no contact with the outside world? I work for the local borough council.

Plus, I don't go around in a burka avoiding eye contact with all men either, I can flirt if the mood takes me too.
My hubby's very flirtatious, it's quite a turn on for me that other women find him so attractive but I know he only wants me.

I've genuinely never fancied anyone other than my husband, not in real life anyway, I get sleb crushes like everyone else, Gerard Butler atm, my husband's very taken with Uma Thurman in the perfume advert atm too, only in the black dress though. He's also got a major kink for Helena Bonham Carter, especially in the Harry Potter films - fantasy is far healthier than reality imho.

Of course it's normal to find others attractive. If you're in a bit of a rut (either with yourself - or your relationship) it's also understandable to be tempted if an opportunity arises. Better though to be honest about this with your partner and tell him how this has made you feel - having that level of honesty is so much better than bottling it up, turning the whole thing into some romantic fantasy and before you know it, you have acted on those feelings.

I've always travelled for work and have spent weeks away at a time in hotels - and I've always worked with more men than women, particularly over the last 15 years or so. Fortunately, when I first started to work away from home regularly, a very wise soul told me to guard against the pitfalls of group bonding sessions, too much alcohol and the feelings that some of my colleagues seemed to display of being let off a leash. Many's the time I've made a diplomatic exit to bed or pretended I've got to make a phone call.

I expect other people to find my DH attractive and he expects the same to happen to me, but we talk about it, have a giggle and it's out in the open. Once something's out there, it loses its appeal and its secrecy.

Mal - wasn't criticising you in anyway but just wondered why you were so interested in this sort of thread when it seems so totally irrelevant to you?

I can't believe how many perfect marriages there are out there

Malificence, I do hope you're right in your obviously blind trust in your husband, really I do. But I have never actually met anyone like you IRL. Not once.

Blind trust? No. I'm not stupid.

The fact that he's never given me cause not to trust him in 27 years counts for quite a lot.

Absolute faith in his love for me? Yes, completely.

There's no such thing as a perfect marriage, all we can do is keep trying to make it even better, if you believe your marriage is perfect then you stop trying.

Mal you are very unusual and very lucky, I don't think you know how lucky and unusual you are to have the relationship you do.

For most people, it is very much more difficult. I have seen so many relationships go tits up, so many men shagging around with their wives having no idea, I can never 100% trust anyone much as I might like to. (see the 'AIBU to actually trusy my DP' thread).

In a way, you being lucky enough to have the relationship you do means that you slightly don't get it on threads like this.

You've never done anything foolish?

What never?

Sorry I don't believe you. Everyone has done something foolish in their lives at some time, unless they are 2.

Mal, Not that I've stalked you or anything, but I'm used to seeing your posts on many, many threads. You DO always have a different and refreshing take on things.

As far as I can see, you have a healthy relationship and a fulfilling marriage.

for others to raise eyebrows and moan about your attitude toward people 'doing something foolish' just defies belief.

I don't think Mal's relationship IS down to luck, I get the impression it's down to a lot of effort. Perhaps if some of us took a leaf out of Mal's book, there would be fewer threads on here....

In my first marriage, i knew things were over when I found myself attracted to others. OK so the marriage had other factors that doomed it to failure before I realised I was no longer interested, but it was a sign for me to look at the relationship and do some serious thinking.

OP, if you value your home life, your DTs life and your relationship with your DH at all, you will give yourself a massive boot up the arse, tell yourself to have a little more restraint and some dignity and get on with it. Don't put yourself in stupid situations like that again. It's not worth it.

Imagine you have to sit down and explain to your DTs what you are doing. If you can't hold your head up high telling them about your moment of idiocy, then don't be so ridiculous to consider doing it again.

You would break your children's hearts if they knew what you had already done.

Agree with Mal - I've been married 10yrs and although before marriage I was a "party girl" as Sally Bercow says , since getting married I have never been unfaithful.

OP, you have been a twat.

You will be so, so much worse if you do it again.

MP - love your posts and am completely with you!

yes travelling for work is a killer for this sort of thing

agree with When that it's the getting it out in the open that's key and having a laugh about it. For some reason, it puts it in a much more realistic perspective when you're having to talk about it to real people out loud (stops the secrecy element of it which is quite often the most appealing thing).bvg

Also Slinky, (is that ok for short?) I feel perhaps you need to consider the fact that there is a hugely unequal balance of power in this potential affair. This man is your boss, and so is abusing his position of power by becoming involved with you. I think you're in a pretty weak position really. What if it ended bitterly? It probably wouldn't be his career that suffered. I'm not judging you, just saying really think it through. You have so much to lose....

keep it in your mind as a fantasy. but realise that is all it can ever be. don't feel guilty for having a fantasy.

Having read quite a few of Mal's threads I don't think it is down to effort on her part - she says she told he DH when she was still about 17 that if he ever strayed it would be the end of the relationship, and she repeatedly says that she has no inclination to - this is a rather unusual way to be. I loved my DH so much when we got married that at that time my line would probably have been that once I could probably forgive, more than that would be difficult and really I'd rather not know.

I am not sure I have ever agreed with Mal before, but I find myself doing so here. At least, I find myself on her side when some others attack her for her statements that she has never done anything foolish in her life and has complete trust in the fidelity of her husband. I took the "never done anything foolish" statement to mean within the context of sexual/flirtatious relationships with people other than her husband, not that she had never done 35 in a 30 mph zone or eaten some meat that has past its sell-by date.

If you think Mal is alone here, think again. I have been with my husband 19 years and never kissed another man in all that time and I firmly believe the same of my husband (woman in his case). Fidelity is not that rare.....I hope.

I think the OP knows herself what she should do.

I'm always frankly a bit dubious when women say 'I know my DH would never cheat on me'. No you don't. You can believe, you can trust but you can never know. Unfortunately, during my illustrious career as an office temp, I knew a few men who screwed around periodically and their wives had nooooo idea. One in particular was a very good liar, everyone thought he was shiny white, but not only was he a complete player, but he was also, frankly, a bit rapey. He was literally a split personality. Not nice.

I feel I've been lurking on MN long enough to start offering opinions!

OP - I think you know the answer to your question and good on you for recognising that you've done a bad thing and wanting help to stop it. I occasionally stay away because of work and, whilst I've never got into the same situation as the OP (I'm a bit like justaboutisfatandtired in the temptation stakes, just can't imagine ever wanting to be intimate with anyone other than my DH) I have got stupidly drunk at work overnight stays and can see how such situations easily occur.

You know it is stupid and you know you need to stop it right now. I don't think you necessarily need to tell your partner what happened, its silly and sordid and might hurt him unneccessarily, but I do think you need to talk to him about the underlying issue and start working on your relationship. If you want to have an affair, have it with your DH - all the excitment, none of the risk.

Nip it in the bud now, before it has time to develop into something worse. Maybe tell you DH how you have been tempted (and possibily confess the degree to which you have acted on that temptation, if you think it would be helpful)and look at ways of feeding your relationship with your DH, so you can resist the temptation a little better next time. Look after the relationship that matters most to you.

I think the key part of your post is: "The last couple of years have been hard and any notions of romance feel long abandoned.". Get some romance back into your real relationship rather than accepting a crappy immitation of romance on the side.

When I wrote 'Never done anything foolish?' I meant have you never done anything you feel ashamed of. Not necessarily in the context of being unfaithful. The point I was trying to get across is that everyone makes mistakes. I certainly wasn't directing it at any individual either, I just felt that a lot of the comments in general had quite a judgemental tone, that's all.

I also feel (and I know how unpopular this is going to make me - I'm ducking as I type!) that there are worse crimes than being unfaithful. It's usually a symptom that something's wrong in the relationship that isn't being expressed no? And it takes two for that to happen. There are many ways of destroying a relationship, and I think it's unfair that someone gets to claim the moral high-ground, simply because they have been the 'faithful' one.