dh having affair

[husbandhavingaffair]

Just found out dh having affair with my best friend.

Says she makes him feel loved.

we have two babies 15 months and 2.5

been married 14 years.

she is part of the babies life day in day out, even calls herself the nanny

What do i do?

They don't connect it with you when they do it. Men!!!

Message withdrawn

hha, you are right of course. I've seen situations where community leaders have been publicly and vociferously judgmental about other members of the community, causing great unhappiness, and all the while behaving VERY hurtfully and irresponsibly to their own families. It's hypocrisy I really can't stand I guess - not human frailty
Tigermoth is right - it must be so very hard to be living this out in the public eye. Sending you best wishes and hoping he can straighten himself out for all your sakes.

He's home. I just wanted him to be here. But now i don't really want to speak to him.

How will we ever work this out?

Counselling, talking, airing your emotions, and time.

HHA - if you both really want it you WILL get through this together. I felt like I was on an emotional rollercoster, some days I still do, I'm only 3 months on but things are really good between my dh and I now and were working through it. Try to look to your future together and what can be.

Thining of you

Hi just wanted to say i am so sorry and wish you well.I think i would want him around to just to give him the silent treatment or let him see what he has done to you.Have no words of wisdom only this nearly happened to me last year.my dad had an affair so i guess i am more in tune to things sometimes and i could see my dh and friend getting closer and mega flirting going in.He admitted he had thought about her when i challenged him and it knocked me for six i felt sick inside.I nearly ended it there and then i couldn't stand it . year on now.I think it was a wake up call to and we have become much closer and realised what we could have lost.If you both want it to work hang on in there.take care xxx

Slwoly , tiny steps, talk talk talk. You must both be very honest with each other now. He must start to explain how he got himself in this situation...he may not quite understnd yet....it may not be an awful lot to do with your relationship, rather things going on with your dh...time of life etc. and you must make him understand your pain. Please use counselling (I still go every now and then to help ME- we did some together and my dh finally sorted his haed out with some individual counselling)It is, s described n emotionl roller coaster- it does strt to slow down eventully.

i know. been out this afternoon with him. bought the baby shoes £44 pound later.

In some ways it was quite nice, even held hands, although i dont particularly want to talk to him i want him close

hha,
Sounds like you are doing well. You are going to find yourself thinking some very odd things over the next few weeks and months. Sometimes I would look at dh and think "you look so down, how can I make it better for you" and really want to hug him, other times I would want just want to hurt him. Don't think badly about yourself for doing this, I think it's just part of being angry with the person you love, and grieving for the damage to your relationship.

It is much easier to get angry with the other person. I could never understand why people on Jerry Springer and such like always went more for the "other woman" than their partners, but I think it's somehow safer to let it all blow at them.

You have to give yourself time. You also need to talk about it, and you need support. I was lucky to have a lot of support at work, and a small group of friends who I could 100% rely on to pick me up if I needed it (people who you could turn up at midnight if you needed to - not that in the end I did, but great knowing they were there).

Do go and have councelling. I found it really helped (I went about three months after I found out about the affair).

The other thing is that your dh may take quite a time to realise what he's done to you. He will be feeling hugely guilty, and that's not a good starting point. My dh was also upset to lose the person he was having the affair with, as it was an emotional as well as a sexual thing (although mostly virtual, as she does not live in the UK). It took him probably about six months to really genuinely say sorry, and he is still realising now what impact it had on me - for example the other day I told him that when I susspected the affair I had taken legal advice, and worked out where the children and I could live and what we could afford, and he was incredibly upset ("I can't believe that you were just going to leave me" he said!).

Anyway. Best of luck, and do not blame yourself. I do think that there will be some relationship between how life has been both individually for him, and also for the two of you and as a family, and him starting the affair, but it was entirely his choice to embark on it.

Hi maturer, we met on another thread, and it's nice to hear from you again - although it's really a bit odd - but very reasuring - to hear someone talking in such a similar way.

Hi nooka, good to hear from you too and that you are still there and fighting fit! I find great comfort in hearing from others who've been through the same/ similar experience (though everyone has a slifghtly different story)I hope HHA will get strength from the things people here have said- some may be relevant to her, some not. I know when I found MN it was afew weeks into me finding out and to be able to pour it all out with no come back and find people who'd listen and give their own experiences made me carry on. Thanks to all for that.
HHA will be finding it so hard to loof forward at the moment and what emotional swings she'll be feeling.
I agree entirely with you Nooka about her dh probably not yet realising what he's done etc
Mine was the same , took him longer than he should to put my feelings first. He did feel incredibly guilty about the other woman and for a short time tried to comfort and support her as well- disasterous as only sent out the wrong messages to her and me nearly lost all! Now he can see that, he couldn't at the time and only after some good counselling could he begin to understand his actions. 1 day at atime HHA, thinking of you and sharing some of your pain.

Check back in and tell us how you are getting on hha...

i can't believe you can have such differing amount of emotions. I have been involved in helping those who have been through awful things in their lives and I would never have thought that this wuld be us.

He led in bed last night, just lying there awake. I said "What" He said "I just can't believe how stupid i've been" When he says things like that i just feel absolutly nothing for him - no sympathy, no compassion - nothing.

In the end all we decided to tell dds was that daddy hasn't been happy lately (which i think are very well aware of) and that he had been given some time off work. They asked if he'd been sacked he said no, they asked if he would be going back to work he said yes.

But the reality is that is not in our hands.

We decided to mention nothing about why our so called friend was no longer coming and would cross that bridge when they asked where she was. As someone said if we say the two together then immediately we were linking the two, whereas if we separate the two then hopefully they will never know.

Counselling is being sorted for us.

It has been so good having u to talk too. Although we have a good support network it's no substitute for actually talking to those who have been through the same thing.

I'm scared for the future. If we have to move, loose our livelihood etc then i don't know how i will feel then.

But hey i guess we cross tht bridge when we get to it.

I could never have imagined taking him back if he had done something like this but i guess there's something that takes over.

I just can't help feeling tht this hasn't really hit home and soon i'm just gonna fall apart.

This is so much for you, I have no advice to give you but am glad others who've been there are on this thread. FWIW I think you did the best thing with your dds in keeping the news separate about the job and the friend.

If your dh's future is in the balance, the fact that he has agreed to counselling with you, and the counselling is beginning so soon, must count in his favour.

Thinking of you

HHA, good morning.
You are not gonna fall apart, infact you will come through this stronger and learn a lot about yourself. You will meet some overwhelming emotions-allow yourself to feel them, especially when you do counselling. You will swing in 1 sentence from wanting to kill him to pulling him close!
Over a year on I still get that every so often.
Your dh- if he starts to be honest and does counselling will probably learn alot about himself too.
Your relationship can come through this strongerand you start to appreciate the smaller everyday things about each other. It is so easy after many years in a marriage to slip into comlacency about each other. Of course a certain amount is ineviatable but sometimes you let too much of life and other people get in the way and before you know it your miles apart!
Can I ure you to make more time for yourselves as a couple, even though at the moment you may feel you just want to hurl abuse at him- if he wants to make this right he's gonna have to take it! We now make sure we have at least 1 night out alone a week , often more. We kind of just let things slip and we are enjoying re discovering each other.
I hope you don't feel I'm preaching to you- your situation will have aspects that are totally different to mine. However I'm trying to let you into what I went through becuse I KNOW at this moment the complete devistation you are feeling- there is hope!
By the way I agree with your comment about not thinking you'd take himback. It is very easy to be black and white about a hyperthetical situation, but when it happens to you and you are looking at this dreadful thing your lover, best friend, soulmate has done to you but also back at the many many years of aterrifis relationship and your children...the decision is more grey. In some respects the easy option is to kick him out, start again- I felt a lot of "social pressure"(not from close friends) to do that, almost as if if you don't your being weak and letting him treat you like dirt. However I firmly believe facing the music together, dealing with the pain day to day, together is the option of the stronger person! (jusy my view)
There's also the aspect that when you have kids it's certainly never gonna be a clean, walk away, never speak to him again break....no way your lives are so intertwinned you'll always be in each others lives. So if you think your worth fighting for (and only you can say that) go for it, fight, get stronger. I had agood look around and thought that not many people seem to be able to find as good a relationship as we had (despite what happened)I made the decision not to gibe up on us. Take care

Don't know how i'm gonna ever stop talking at him.

Just came down and said have they had a drink yet don't u think they need one. Hve u found the bit of the cleaner yet?

dds getting on my nerves. I want them to tidy their rooms but there just seems to be so much junk in there. Should they have so much clutter at 11 & 13.

I just want to run away.

Fed up of the responsibility and having to tell everyone what to do, if i didn't i would either have to do it all myself or the place would fall apart.

Oh listen to me i such a control freak, my house is always a mess, my life's a mess, my family's a mess.

Can't do this

can you get some time to yourself? Go away for a night or 2? You need a complete break. Let him take all the responsibilities for a short time.
When it go really bad that's what I did helped totally focused on me cried it all out felt much better.

If i go away then what stops him seeing her?

I know he says its over, and he seems to mean it but the temptation will be there.

Oh this is so wonderful

Ultimately nothing!
You cannot control another persons actions. However you must now make it crystal clear to your dh no contact whatsoever,not if he wants to make a go with you.
What's her situation? Married? Children? There's nothing like another partner keeping an eye out for her to dampen things down! The thing with affairs, they are fantasy- not the real day to day life (often thta's why people start them for some sort of escape from all sorts of things)and although they may talk love promises etc it's not real, the novelty wears off and they realise the buzz is from the newness of a relationship- which gives you a real boost- time and reality of your situation soon brings that back to earth!
You can't spend your life looking over your shoulder to see what he's upto- although at this moment thta'll be exactly what your doing- he's betrayed you- big time, he doesn't deserve you r trust and has to start earning it back.

He just wanted to go out and buy milk so i've made him take all the kids with him. Just checked bank statements had a go coz he topped up his phone again. Told him he must have been texting morning noon and night to use that much credit.

For goodness sake they just like teenagers playing little games behind mummy and daddy's back.

Its about time he grew up faced the responsibilites that he has. Alright we married young but surely if there was nothing inthis marriage we wouldn't have lasted 14 years, been called to a vocation togehter.

I so angry today. I really want to punish him, shout at him, hurt him. But i don't really. None of this is making sense.

He's taken her number out of his phone. I don't know if i can let him have a life back, and i know i have to, otherwise nothing will change. If i looking over his shoulder constantly, asking where and why. Oh boy we got a long way to go

You'll only feel better when you really believe that he 'gets it' - I mean understands the damage and pain he has caused. That's the only way you'll feel you can trust him not to do it again.

That's why you keep wanting to punish him - to make sure he knows how devastating this has been and how far-reaching the consequences. Not to be revengeful or nasty but to communicate adequately how serious this is in an effort to stop it happening again.

And forgiveness is wonderful but there's no point trying to do it until you're ready, and that might take a while yet.

Although i want to punish him, shout at him etc i'm not. When he's here i want him out of my way, when he's out my way i want him here.

Im going out this afternoon/eve he will be left with the three youngest.

Not going to be easy. People will ask where he is, can explain it away to babysitting tonight but tomorrow when I have to go back will be a different story. He will be expected to be there.

It's me that has to do all the work. While he jsut sits at home and doesn't have to see anyone if he doesn't want to

Hi again,
Well I've just had a completely roller coaster day myself. Found some old e-mails from my dh to ex-mistress and thought they were current. Sure brought the old shakiness back. Asked my mother to come and get me (and I have NOT wanted her to know how things were). Ended up my parents just taking the kids away for an hour or so whilst we talked.

Anyway, brought back the way I felt this time last year, so I am really empathising with you hha.

Anorak's quite right. You do feel dead to the "I'm sorry" and "I'm an idiot" stuff until you catch them falling apart. Then you can start to feel safer. But you will be fragile for a long time.

I think for many people affairs (expecially if they are about more than just sex) are about escaping into a fantasy. Maybe being in a position of having to be "good" got too much for your dh? (Not that that's an excuse, just a possible reason)

You have two little one's very close in age (I have a 6 and a 4 1/2 year old) and for us, it was a major factor in our relationship being under major stress, which was a big factor in the affair.

My dh has said that he didn't feel wanted, and that he thought I didn't love him, and rejected him. Personally I thought that I was behaving as much of my friends did with little ones.

The thing that helped me most was when my councellor said that this was a path that my dh had to go down in his life. Just helped take the weight of responsibility off my back, and helped me stop thinking it was somehow my fault.

I think that if there is still love there it is worth fighting for. Potentially you may end up with a much better relationship. It's in the interests of you as a family, and finally I felt that if there was any walking out to do it was for him to do it - just so he knew that was his choice and that the outcome would be his responsibility.

If you can take some time out then that may really help. I had the first holiday on my own for years (went white water rafting for a week - great to have some me time).

Also you really need to look after yourself - this was my boss's contribution after she noticed things were getting on top of me. She tried to persuade me to go shopping / have beauty tratements etc, which isn't my scene, but you should try and do some things that you really enjoy, just because you enjoy them.

Anyway, enough of me. Keep on hanging in there! I do promise that this is the worst it gets, from now on things will never be quite so bad again.

Hi Nooka, just makes u realise tht this is such a lobg road to travel. Dreamt about her at 4.30 this morning, led in bed really upset.

Had to be out all day today, so he been home alone with the baby. Had to try and answer people as to where he was. Although i think most knew he had been given time out or i imagine they did. Part of me wanted to shout it from the roof tops. But i know that will do us no good.

Think your right in that it was somewhere where he didn't have to be good. it was an escapism for him. Think he really trying. He's changed his name on messenger, whereas i just blocked her speaking to me.

Only fell apart once today - unfortunatly drew attention to myself so now everyone will be talking.

In so many ways life seems normal, i guess coz life goes on, the kids haven't changed. Family life hasn't changed its just something inside us that has. I think if it wasn't for the kids then maybe the determination wouldn't be there to work this out. Thats not saying that i don't love him but it would be easier to walk away (which i don't think i want to do either) I want to make this work. I want ot be able to trust him but he is going to have to prove that this is what he wants.

Will chase up the counselling tomorrow. Think we need to tackle this while its still a hot topic, otherwise there may be a tendancy to think that we alright where in fact underneath things will just be the same as they were before.

keep talking to me guys. Maybe the conversation will get normal again one day. Maybe eventually be able to go back to old name and talking about normal things

Don't get too downhearted! Bear in mind that different circumstances lead to different problems. My dh and I have been together for 15 years this year and married for 10. We think that things started to go wrong about the time the children were born, so we had a couple of years of things brewing before the affair, and some of the things we are struggling with now are things we should have sorted out right at the beginning of our relationship, that have slowly soured over the years.

I guess I'm saying that what we are trying to put right now is much more than just the fall out from the affair.

I don't believe that people just start affairs for no reason (but then I'm not one for believing that anything happens without some reason), so there probably will be some underlying things for your relationship (or maybe just in your dh's life), but if generally things were good in the near past, then it may take you a shorter time to feel OK about things than it has me.

I've certainly stopped torturing myself about what they might or might not have done, and I have slept fine for some time now. Also I am confident that I am a better person, in pretty much every way than the mistress, which helps (I may be deluding myself!!).

Concentrate on the fact that you are working to make things better, try to persuade yourself that you are in control, and do treat yourself, even if it is to very small things. It's important that you know you deserve the best.

Finally, if you are in the public eye a lot as a couple, then you might want to think about a story to explain why things are difficult at the moment. As with the children, I am sure that you don't want to lie (probably not compatable with your position, or I am guessing with your ethics), but if you are going to be doing things differently for a bit, and the potential for you to be upset is still very close to the surface, then you will need some sort of cover. Is there someone who can put out a general "please be nice to hha and her husband?" without being in any way explicit?

You may find that all sorts of occasions where you would have been fine (like weddings, or christenings, family parties, summer gatherings etc) will be quite painful for a while if you see happy families or couples, so don't be surprised if your emotions are very haywire.

Take things one day at a time, and again, one way or another, they will get better. Wishing you lots of luck!