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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dh having affair

168 replies

husbandhavingaffair · 21/06/2005 22:03

Just found out dh having affair with my best friend.

Says she makes him feel loved.

we have two babies 15 months and 2.5

been married 14 years.

she is part of the babies life day in day out, even calls herself the nanny

What do i do?

OP posts:
PlopHead · 22/06/2005 16:57

I'm sorry to say this but if she has written in a text 'I love you' then she is fairly confident of hearing it back.

You don't write something like that down unless you say it to each other, sorry this has happened. It sounds like you'd be better off without either of then. If he had any decency he would have finished it with one of you before it got to the 'love' stage

Cranberry · 22/06/2005 17:45

Some men just 'I love you' though and don't really mean. When I found out about my dh's affair I found a text say exactly this. I know you'll say he's just trying to spare my feelings but is absoluately adament that he never loved her in they way he loved me. I guess it's like saying ' you make me feel great'. He said he loved her like he loved reading the sunday papers or drinking a good bottle of wine.

HHA - if you want to work this out with your dh then HE will have to show he is fully committed to you and neither of you can have an further contact with this woman. You must think of yourself and your family.

So sorry your having to go through this. Big hugs for you

maturer · 22/06/2005 19:26

HHA, I'm so sorry to hear you are facing this bomb in your life. I call it that because my dh had an affair an it was exactly like a bomb had hit us. You feel like you're living in a soap opera , not real , but of course you know it is real and you have to still do things like washing and cooking and all the time this bomb is ticking away infront of you and you want to defuse it and be as you were. This happened about a year and a half ago- it was no one I knew, a work colleague and it took a few months from everyone (ie me and her dh finding out) before it was totally over. You MUST GET THIS WOMAN OUT OF YOUR LIFE if you are to have any chance of surviving this. that's assumimg that you want your relationship to survive. We had been married 15years- very happy years, 3 kids no real problems when this happened. I could not (still sometimes cannot) believe it had happened to us. It was (with counselling and reflection and time) not an awful lot to do with our relationship, it was to do with my dh having some sort of a "mid life crisis"...men of a certain age, there's definately something in that old cleche. However we are still well and truely together and stronger and closer for the trauma we went through. The healing could only start when there was no longer a third person in our marriage ( he tried to be "just good friends" with her for some time after the "affair" as such was ended) NO WAY it doesn't work. there is no easy way she must get out of your life and then your dh has alot of soul searching and hard work to do to stop himself losing you and the kids if he's not careful. Honey please be strong- you are, you've your children and yourself to think of. they are the most important people in this now. IF you want to move on with your dh and try to get to the bottom of why this happened and where next she has to be totally out of the picture.I know the absolute devistation and disbelief you are feeling. it is akin to a grieving process, you need to take care of yourself.

Original poster
husbandhavingaffair · 22/06/2005 22:39

24hrs on i feel devestated. so much has happened.
one minute i feel like making it work, 10 mins later no way it can work, thn i just want to kill him.

he's gone away, till fri when dd2 comes home, when we can tell thm both together. hopefully space will help us get our heads round this.

OP posts:
Original poster
husbandhavingaffair · 22/06/2005 22:45

I don't know i can throw 14 yrs of marriage away, 4 children together. But also don't know how I can trust him again.

We not had unprotected sex since his vasectomy coz he hasnt taken tests back but it's ok to do so with her.

Have spoken to her today, she jsut wants him says it love. He says he was the pursuer in this and knew that someone would get hurt.

Says he really sorry and wants us to work, but still not convinced he only saying that coz he doesn't want to loose the kids.

says he loves her.

just kept saying sorry to her on the phone, i was really hard with her, she couldn't of cared less i don't think apart from the fact that she has lost him

OP posts:
HappyHuggy · 22/06/2005 22:47

She's a nasty bitch

What was your relationship like before you found out?

Has he said how he feels about her?

Im so sorry you're having to go through this

Original poster
husbandhavingaffair · 22/06/2005 22:47

sorry gonna have to go to bed. Now on my own with dd12 and two babies. Oh what joy that gonna be tomorrow when there usually two of us here to sort them out.

Oh my God haven't even thought of the practicalities like how the hell do i get a shower?

Know that sounds stupid but usually both around in the mornings

OP posts:
maturer · 22/06/2005 22:48

HHA , I know exactly how you are feeling, the complete disbelief that the one person you thought could never hurt you would hurt you so much and in such a way. take it slowly, try to focus on the years you've had together and what was good in them. Only you can decide if you can move forward together. You've done nothing wrong you kept your side of the bargain he has to do the work now. Can I suggest you see a counsellor immediately. Not both of you but just you...you have to look after your sanity, your heart is broken and you will need someone to talk to to whom you can say anything, anything without their being come back in your relationship. Please believe you can get through this 1 day at a time. you've just started, what I feel is a lengthy process of grief and anger and hatred and sadness and love. alll the feelings you have now are so real and can be so destructive let someone not involved help you figure out how you really feel. Don't even think about both of you yet, just focus on you and taking care of you.

HappyHuggy · 22/06/2005 22:48

Take care

xxx

Original poster
husbandhavingaffair · 23/06/2005 06:24

thanks m luckily because of our jobs we do have a good pastoral support. counsellors are being sorted. I can only think of the future and i know i should concentrate on the here and now.

But the future is scary. We will never be able to work here again, so its either resign or move, and if we have to move the girls will never forgive us.

I can't believe this is happening. Just want to sit and cry, will have to keep it together till dd has gone to school. Then it wont be fair on the babies if i just sit and cry all day.

What a mess

OP posts:
steph1974 · 23/06/2005 07:36

just want to say good luck with it all,hope it works out the way u want it to.....never been in your situation so cant give any type of advice,apart from that if you do end up on your own,its not as difficult as you would think once u r in a routine,sorry i know that probably doesnt help......

Fio2 · 23/06/2005 07:54

what a pair of b@st*@$ds

sit and cry if you want, honestly i would too

ggglimpopo · 23/06/2005 07:57

Message withdrawn

Original poster
husbandhavingaffair · 23/06/2005 08:09

ggg to be honest can i really throw away 14 yrs of marriage without trying?

Counselling is being sorted.

But he has to decide what he really wants. He says he wants us to work. He is away till Fri when he will come back and tell the girls then he will go to his parents for a week. Then we'll take it from there.

OP posts:
elsmommy · 23/06/2005 08:11

But would you ever be able to trust him again?

Original poster
husbandhavingaffair · 23/06/2005 08:27

He's destroyed trust on a number of occassions before, when he has been addicted to codiene. To be honest i have never really trusted him on that one either. Think this is the reason he feels he can do nothing right, that i always watching him etc etc.

So this is prob all my fault.

OP posts:
maturer · 23/06/2005 09:30

HHA,
you need to cry, give yourself the space to do so...the babies will be fine...themother in you will see to that but the you in you needs to work out how you feel. My situation was that my dh had NEVEr in 18years of knowing him given me any cause to not trust him in the slightest (it made it easier for him to decieve me...I hadn't a clue until he told me)However in deciding what to do I weighed up 18 years of a fantastic relationship together against this year of , well all I can call it is "his losing the plot!"he did get back on track and I know now he has hte benefit of hindsight. If he ever gets himself into that position again then no second chances! Only you can decide if you can give your marriage another go.there's lots of hard, painful talking to do but it has to be done whatever the outcome otherwise it eats away at you. you'll soon reach the questions tsage..ie after the complete shock and sorrow...you want to know all and he must tell you if you are to move forward. Please believe you can and will get through this but YOU are NOT to blame...adults are responsible for their own actions in life and actions have consiquences for lots of people- deep inside he knew the risks he was running when he started this relationship. he is to blame. Mne are very good at putting lids on boxes in their lives ie carrying on one way in one senario ie with her and as normal with you. Take care or yourself.

Original poster
husbandhavingaffair · 23/06/2005 11:27

thanks. have to go to work this afternoon, don't know how i gonna keep my mouth shut coz i want the whole community to know what she has done, but at the same time, we are known and respected (were) leaders of the community

OP posts:
koalabear · 23/06/2005 11:32

HHH - my best friends husband had affair with family friend - they separated for a while and had counselling - and now have a very strong marriage with three children - he had to make some serious choices though, and totally stop contact with the family "friend" and be totally honest with his wife, and she had to make some serious choices about letting him be himself and not trying to make him into somebody else (not saying this is you, just saying that there was movement on both sides) - these things are never black and white

Do what is right for you, but don't lose hope that things will work out for the best

Original poster
husbandhavingaffair · 23/06/2005 11:36

think i have always tried to make him into somebody else, coz he so damn laid back in things that need to be done - work and home. But gets really worked up about the little things.

I really don't know what we gonna tell dds tomorrow. Once they know their lives will never be the same again.

How much do we tell them?

The whole truth or not the whole truth and then let their imagininations run riot.

No easy answers to this is there

OP posts:
anorak · 23/06/2005 11:40

HHH why do you need to tell your children? You might sort this out without resorting to that. This is yours and DH's mess, not theirs and I don't think it's fair to expect them to deal with it.

Also I would say please be very careful about who you confide in. People tend to gossip and while I perceive you as an honest and straightforward person it can be very hurtful as well as making life more difficult for you when you've got enough to cope with already. If you want to tell anyone in your community, choose very carefully who that person is.

Original poster
husbandhavingaffair · 23/06/2005 11:47

we need to tell the children bec this woman was in our house day in day out. What do we tell them that she's just disappeared, and what about the fact that their dad has been suspended from work? We need to tell them something plus kids are too perceptive.

And he's going to his mothers next week to give us both a bit of space.

We need to tell them something surely

OP posts:
noddyholder · 23/06/2005 11:49

why has her husband been suspended from work What has he done wrong?

koalabear · 23/06/2005 11:56

my parents had counselling for a year - they didn't tell us - we had no clue - they told us he "went away for work" for three months - no idea it was a separation - they've been married 40 years last year

Marina · 23/06/2005 12:04

hha, I am terribly sorry to hear of your troubles. Is he suspended because of this, or for other reasons?
You are being very strong through this and I really feel for you. I don't know who you are "normally" on Mn but I am appalled at a man who, from what you say of him, is supposed to conduct himself in an exemplary fashion because of his vocation. How could he do this to you all and look at himself in the miror?