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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

dh having affair

168 replies

husbandhavingaffair · 21/06/2005 22:03

Just found out dh having affair with my best friend.

Says she makes him feel loved.

we have two babies 15 months and 2.5

been married 14 years.

she is part of the babies life day in day out, even calls herself the nanny

What do i do?

OP posts:

anorak · 23/06/2005 12:21

Perhaps you could say that he's taking some time off as a break?

I just think it's an awful burden to put on your children. Part of our parenting job is to protect them from having to carry enormous strains like this. As for the woman leaving, there are lots of reasons that you could use.

I'm concerned that you might be posting in a few months time for advice on how to help you depressed children. I've been there, holding my 13 year old daughter's hand in hospital after an overdose and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. That was all due to the pressure of knowing a secret about her (estranged from me) father.

batters · 23/06/2005 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

feelingold · 23/06/2005 13:11

husbandhavingaffair - sorry haven't been around. This happened to me 7 years ago and we decided to give our marriage another go (had dd then aged 3) so we tried to carry on with our lives, (my so called best friend had to be moved to a different dept to me at work and nobody would speak to the cow) but I rang him on his mobile one saturday morning when he was supposed to be at work and it all seemed too quiet so I drove up to her house and his car was parked outside, I confronted them, they said they were just talking but my opinion was I didn't care what they were doing cos any contact was a betrayal.
I loved my ex-h desparately but I could not live like this always wondering where he was so I told him to leave. It broke my heart, I did not go to bed for at least a week, couldn't face anyone, lost 3 stone in weight and cried constantly. It took me a long time to get over him and it was hard on my own with my dd but we were ok.
Then at a friends bbq about 10 months later I met a fantastic man who became my friend (a single dad) and we took our kids out together and we fell in love and married and had a ds. My faith in men has been restored, I could not be happier.

If you want to try to save your marriage then do, but you both have to want to do it, if you both don't then you can't.

Good luck in whatever you choose to do, but do not stay in an unhappy marriage because you are afraid to be alone.

maturer · 23/06/2005 14:28

Feelingold, great advice- you are absolutely right if both don't want to make a go of it , I agree. despite the pain, move on without him. the only reason I was able to move on with my dh was that he (after a short time when he got his head sorted) got totally on board and we were once again both working at the same thing.
Lovely to here you have a good ending from what was obviously an awful decision to have to make!

mummycan · 23/06/2005 21:24

HHA - no real advice to give but wanted to send my love - how awful for you - I was recently betrayed - nowhere near as badly as you - I still have problems dealing with it so cannot even begin to imagine how you must be feeling. Sending you hugs and strength but remember this is not your fault - yu are not in the wrong.

Original poster

husbandhavingaffair · 23/06/2005 21:47

Have spoken to him today on the phone and he is so sorry. While i can't feel sorry for him i have to say i have to make a go at it.

Had an awful morning. wondered round asda like a zombie, just wanted to stand there and cry then something changed in me this afternoon and i thought i can do this, but maybe tomorrow will be a different story

OP posts:

Original poster

husbandhavingaffair · 23/06/2005 21:50

still have to decide what to tell rhe girls, for reasons i can't really go into, they will need to know why i can do somethings and he can't.

It's the effect all this has on extended family and friends

OP posts:

Original poster

husbandhavingaffair · 23/06/2005 21:50

still have to decide what to tell rhe girls, for reasons i can't really go into, they will need to know why i can do somethings and he can't.

It's the effect all this has on extended family and friends

OP posts:

sobernow · 23/06/2005 21:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maturer · 23/06/2005 22:06

HHA. one day at a time- you can get through. don't make any radical decisions yet, you are probably still trying to decide how you feel.As for telling the children, he caused this mess make it his problem, make hin tell the children (if you have to tell them) (if you can avoid it do so)if he's going to try and put you all back together he has to face up to what he's done and telling childrem in simple terms about the mistakes he's made is quite a sobering experience- was for my dh

Original poster

husbandhavingaffair · 23/06/2005 22:24

i Know but how much do you tell them. we need to tell them coz they gonna wonder why this woman isnt around anymore. i mean she has been spending more and more time in our house.

I have been told today that dd 1 hates her anyway and always says when she brought home from activities oh she here again. I wish she would go home

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Original poster

husbandhavingaffair · 23/06/2005 22:43

Right guess i ought to go to bed, seems both of them were up in the night, and prob will be tonight. I want him home to do some work. Oh here one of them goes as we speak.

Goodnight all and thanks for all your helpful comments.

OP posts:

galaxy · 23/06/2005 22:47

Just seen this and just wanted to say how sorry I am. You must be devestated. I think before you tell the children, you need to decide how you want this to work out. Why upset the children if you think you and he can work your relationship out.

handlemecarefully · 23/06/2005 22:51

dd1 sounds quite perceptive. Perhaps she figured out that your 'friend' (spitting out the word) was not all she appeared to be.

Lots of respect for you in wanting to try again and make a go of it with your dh. Takes guts that.

normannomates · 23/06/2005 22:54

Good luck - hope that this can be resolved. Take Care and try to look after yourself xx

nooka · 23/06/2005 23:01

Hi husbandhavinganaffair,
Like maturer, I am about 18mths on from an affair. We are still together, not quite sure whether we will stay that way or not to be honest, but past most of the pain now.

I go along entirely with her advice. Look after your own mental health first and foremost. Don't make any decisions if you can help it, you are going to need a long "healing time" before you are likely to make a sensible decision. I think that if there is any way you can avoid telling your children the full details I would try them. Although it's really tough, you probably need to decide this with your husband, as you are going to need to take the same line. For their sake you need to try and be civil and cause your children the smallest amount of stress as possible through this. Partly because you need them to be normal and happy at this time, because a) otherwise you will have a lot more to deal with, and b) they will help you keep it together and help you to realise that good things have come from your relationship as well as the pain you feel now.

Can you just say you realised that you really didn't like her? This may be completely crass of me - my two are quite little.

Good luck, look after yourself, and if you find your mood swinging all over the place that's completely normal!

maturer · 23/06/2005 23:16

Nooka- hope you doing ok in yourself, it helps to know there are other people out there who have beenthere and are still trying to make ago of it. I'm sure your the same, still have mood sings- immense sadness over what happened, but getting less.
HHA perhaps you could tell the children the truth but in a vague way e.g that you realised SHE is in your life too much and getting in the way of family life and that you've asked her to leave because you want to focus on your family with no one else around. If you need to explain your dh being away tell them relationships sometimes need breathing space and your giving each other that sl you can then get on with your family together (However if there is anyway you can keep them out of it- at least until you've decided which way your going ...I'd suggest you do so) good luck. take care

Original poster

husbandhavingaffair · 24/06/2005 06:09

Thanks maturer. Thats sounds the best idea yet. Still have to do some thinking of how we get over the fact that he has been suspended from work so that means there will be some things he wont be able to do with us as a family - sorry sounds really complicated tht doesn't it, but work and family are two very closely linked things, in that they are part of work - hope tht makes some sense but prob not.

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Original poster

husbandhavingaffair · 24/06/2005 06:13

marina, going back to what you said about him supposedly conducting himself in a exemplory manor this is true - but what ever our vocation and however much people put us up on a pedastal and think that we should be perfect we are only human. Humans make mistakes (unfortunatly) As a result i think the fall out is even more difficult to deal with.

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tigermoth · 24/06/2005 06:52

thinking of you and the difficult talks you are preparing for.

Agree that you need lots of time to decide in your own mind what to do. In telling your dd's maturer's advice sounds excellent - vague but truthful. I am sure it will be terribly difficult to keep up a normal front with your daughters, but if they see you acting relieved and normal after your 'decision to see less of this woman' then they may be less prone to question you further - so whatever you tell them, it's best if it's something you can live with, too.

I am really sorry this has such repercussions for you in the community you work in. I agree with anorak that you need to be very careful who you confide in for now. To keep quiet for the time being might be the best thing to do.

I sincerely hope that this friend is not a gossip - bear in mind that she is a loose cannon now. Whatever you tell your daughters, by hinting at the truth as maturer suggests, you may be decreasing their shock if, later on, they are told things by other people.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I don't know who you are. I hope you and your dh can work this out - having two babies to care for and busy (and quite public) lives is a lot for any couple. hugs

Original poster

husbandhavingaffair · 24/06/2005 07:48

thanks tigermoth. Part of me just wants him home. I want to feel loved by him now. I want him to hold me and tell me it's going to be alright (mad or what) But i really don't know how i will react or feel when he is here in the flesh, when he has turned my dds lives upside down.

Don't know if i can do this. I just want it all to go away

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ggglimpopo · 24/06/2005 08:06

Message withdrawn

ggglimpopo · 24/06/2005 08:09

Message withdrawn

maturer · 24/06/2005 08:22

Good morning HHA, one day at a time!
I know exactly how you feel aout wanting to be close to your dh. Ithink you either go 1 of 2 ways - she devil- as gggp describes (a bit of that came later with me, you can't help it you're hurt) or closing ranks, pulling close- shutting the world out of your family for a while. I was so insredably hurt yet at th moment I found out, my dh did say do you want me to leave and my immmediate reactionwas no, I want to pull you close and help us through this. For me, I could see the absolute termoil my dh had got himself into (no excuses- still shouldn't have got there) but as you said we are all human and although he never went looking for what happened he found himself there. There are times now when I kind of wish I'd blown a fuse kicked him out etc I think it would have made it all end sooner however we are still very much together nearly 2 years on from the start of it, so it was the right thing for us at the time for me to try and understand and support.You must follow your gut feelings, whats right for you.
As for your work/home situation- I take it he is some kind of church/community leader, obviously such behaviour is not swept aside easily. However such groups have at their very core a strong be;ief in marriage, forgiveness and the humanness of peopel ie we ALL are capable of making mistakes surely "the powers that be" if your dh is ready to be honest and i mean totally honest, get counselling commit to your marriage and accept his failings- surely they cannot ignore the lesson this sends to the community about our humanness. It happens to LOTS of people, I never realised when all was well with us, but when you start looking and reading you realise it does. I would recommend "After the Affair" by ....Cole (can't remember 1st name Mary I think- leant booK start to read it now I found it very helpful and so did dh it's honest and tackles all your mixed emotions- it tells you you are not going crazy, there can be hope.
take care honey, keep chatting to a friend in similar situation)

Original poster

husbandhavingaffair · 24/06/2005 10:03

what a different day. I want to kill her. I can't stop crying, dd won't move off my lap. neither of them are dressed.

What right does anyone have to do this

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