For those with narcissistic parents - care to join me?

[roseability]

How have you come to peace with this situation, knowing they will never be able to give you normal family love?

How do you keep an emotional distance and protect yourself?

Should they be allowed access to your own children?

Are they abusers?

Sorry - am a regular but have namechanged tonight as too bleak.

a) was told I looked like a prostitute at age 12 - on the way to church! Was wearing a dress I loved that I got from my brother and his wife for my birthday. Knee length
b) didn't buy me a bra - my sister gave me her old ones
c) I had ONE jumper for school and everything for over a year around 12 yo. The elbows were worth through and my school friends teased me about it
d) I can't remember any presents from her (except a bottle of baileys for Christmas once. She bought all her children the same)
e) I have lived abroad for 8 years. She has called me once. Sent me flowers for my birthday - once. No other cards or letters.
f) She gets all upset and hurt if I stand up to her or neglect her, so its guilt piled on me.
g) My dad had a heart attack just after Christmas and in her words "we were at the doctors so long, and I was tired and needed a wee, so we went home". Where dad was found putting away the shopping.

Don't know why, but I'm just really hurt tonight and like someone else said, grieving for the mother I wish I had.

My mum is a text book case unfortunately. Loves a crisis, so that she can be involved and pisses on my bonfire at every opportunity.
My first day at uni, she phoned to ask what lectures I'd had, only to comment "Don't you think this is all a bit above you?"
Five weeks before I was due to move into my first house (was living with my parents at the time) she got my father to ask me to leave. Now where the hell can you rent for 5 weeks? I had to stay in a B&B which of course ate into my new house furnishing money quite considerably.
Many years ago I had been invited to a wedding to which my mum had also been invited. Unfortunately on the day of the wedding I had a mc.
Some time later my mum visited and brought round the wedding video, which contained a scene where the bride and groom were telling my mum to send me their love re the mc. What day did she decide to show me the video? My due date. There has been physical violence and loads of other stuff, I'd be here all day. I keep contact as infrequent as I can, I have tried to do no contact but have had my father asking me to resume as she makes his life hell.

My mum was a depressed alcoholic with NPD. Thankfully she is dead and I am starting to grieve for the mum I should have had. My Dad is an alcoholic, a typical co- narcissist and incredibly selfish. I thought he didn't pay any attention to my siblings and I as we were growing up because mum would be insanely jealous if he did- but in the 5 or so years since she died, he hasn't changed a bit.

Our up-bringing was one of emotional and physical abuse and neglect. By pure luck, when I started looking for a boyfriend as a teenager, I found my fantastic DH, just by deciding to go out with someone who was the opposite in every way from my parents, ie a tee totaller who cared about me and was prepared to put me first- quite a novelty!

My siblings and I all periodically suffer from depression- I had a bout after my DD was born mainly because it threw up all my concerns about daughter/mother relationships. Cognitive behavioural therapy was very helpful to me at this point. I am feeling a bit down at the moment as I am dealing with the fact that DD is the age I was when I started to remember how my mum treated me. I can't imagine treating my DD this way and I just don't understand how mum could treat her little girl like that and still be able to live with herself.

And that's what keeps me going- I'm determined that my children will have a happier childhood and hopefully end up as happier, more confident adults, although I know I'm not a perfect Mum by any stretch!

And if my mum was still alive, I'd still be living on the other side of the world from her.

Hello everyone, reading some of your thread made me realise just how similar the experience I've been through with my Narc mother. I've had a very traumatic and difficult life from a young child and I've decided to go no contact with my parents for 7 months now and I'm not going to deny it....I'm still crumbling inside and often still hoping that they'll change and forgive them but deep down I know they'll never change. Here's afew lowlights of my life that I'd like to share and I would appreciate any comments to remind me that I should feel happy to be free from these evil people.

1. When I was 3 my mother throwed away my only princess dress (that was given to me from my cousin) and watched me cry. She said these are tarty clothes and I shouldn't be allowed to wear them.
2. She beat me with (apparently a very thin stick) that I ended in hospital with my leg hung up. She lied and said 'I only hit you lightly but then you suddenly couldn't walk so we took you to hospital and they said you had tonsilitis' but then I briefly remember everyone said they saw my leg hanging up when they visited me, surely tonsilitis can't brake a leg? I was only 3.
3. She killed my new born stray kittens when I was 6. She said they were bad luck and when she discovered I was caring for these kittens in the garden she grabbed them both and throwed them high into the alley way. I screamed and I hit her but she just kept going. I was traumatised and lyed on the garden floor for ages in tears, she didn't care. Then I went to the alley to look for the kittens only to discover one was surely dead the other was still breathing but with blood in its mouth and slowly died in my hands. I ran to her screaming why why why? she still showed not remorse.
4. She always told me I was thick, dumb, useless and wish she had an abortion with me and wish she strangled me as soon as I was born so she wouldn't have to suffer from looking after such a difficult child.
5. Growing up was difficult as I was constantly bullied and only looking to please others and not think about myself. I grew depressed as I was constantly belittled and laughed at by my family. I had a name for being the dumb child and it didn't matter if I passed my exams or not because they understand I'm not exactly bright.
6. My mother picked on me so much my dad noticed and tried to help me only to get criticised and accused of having feelings for me then she tormented my dad and called him sick which made him steer clear for standing up for me.
7. My parents were constantly fighting. My mother would constantly threatened to kill herself, then me and my siblings would chase her out in the dark to stop her. I would tell her I love her and beg her not to do that and hug her. But then it happened so often we learnt to ignore her and learnt that she'll never kill herself and that its all theatrical.
8. both my parents would leave us at home while they go casino. I was only 10. I had to mother both my younger sisters while they enjoy gambling.
9. I became a graphic designer (the dumb child wasn't that dumb afterall. And all I wanted to do was to please them so I bought them both tickets to go on holidays and buy them nice gifts but only to have them thrown back at me when we argued. I was so upset.
10. I was pregnant with my first child and my mother warned me that if I don't treat her nice something bad will happen to her unborn grandson. I was crying with distraught. Why why would she do such thing?
11. There have been more incidents but the final blow was when she got aggressive because my hubby took his family me and kids on holiday and didn't ask her and my dad. She went crazy and threatened all sorts (this was infront of my 5, 7 and 3yr old kids.) My children got so scared they stumbled across the floor crying. Me and and my hubby decided this was the last of it. But they still manage to twist things round to my siblings and say my husband and I was the aggressive ones!

There have been more bad incidents but I could go on. Please please can someone tell me I'm doing the right thing to go no contact with this crazy mother of mine. I'm having therapy and seeing Drs to help me overcome depression because I still have this urge to forgive and want to go back. Its driving my husband crazy as he's doing all he can to protect his children from the toxic behaviour from my parents. I'm still crumbling and worry this may destroy my marriage. I'm so badly conditioned to want to go back to please my parents and get abused I don't know what to do. I worry about their health etc..... I'm so lost.

Hope you all feeling alot better than I am.
J x

Sorry I haven't RTFT (in a place where I'm easily triggered) but wanted to respond. to all.

How have you come to peace with this situation, knowing they will never be able to give you normal family love?

• I'm in therapy and am going through a long and torturous process of grieving for what is a very real loss. I feel better than I used to, so I hope to feel better still in the future. DH reminds me that we have made our own family and my therapist is teaching me to be more self-compassionate.

How do you keep an emotional distance and protect yourself?

• No contact, at all, ever. Blocked on FB, iOS, etc. (They are allowed to contact DH if someone dies.) Anyone trying to give me information about them is immediately shut down with: "You weren't to know but I really don't want to hear about them," or "I don't want to talk about this, it's not helpful for me." It is harder grappling with the versions of them that live in my head.

Should they be allowed access to your own children?

• Over my dead body. Not just because my father was sexually abusive but because I know observing my mother pandering to her narc mother did nothing good for me.

Are they abusers?

• Yes. And it is absolutely still abuse if it wasn't physical or sexual, if anyone is unsure about this. Emotional abuse and emotional neglect cause just as much trauma. Narc parenting in any form is a type of developmental trauma that affects the development of the self and interrupts your ability to learn that you are important and loveable and worthy and good.

My mother's emotional neglect was, I think, the most damaging thing for me.

mummyjen you are doing the right thing, I promise.

Am skimming - Isla it's not your problem if she makes your dad's life hell.

Jen . You are doing the right thing.

Even if you are wavering, you need to stay strong for your kids. Please be assured that contact with your parents will damage them, just as it has damaged you. They will just do it in a different way .

NArcs do not change and become good people just because they are older or because their children have procreated . You are not " keeping your children from having a relationship with their GP" . You are protecting them from an abuser .

I know you feel bad about the NC, it's the FOG - fear , obligation and guilt. All I can say is that it gets better in time .

May I join?!
I have just gone NC with mine.
They have had regular contact with my DC but no longer after a recent event.
I am long way off getting over it all but I hope to very soon.