For those with narcissistic parents - care to join me?

[roseability]

How have you come to peace with this situation, knowing they will never be able to give you normal family love?

How do you keep an emotional distance and protect yourself?

Should they be allowed access to your own children?

Are they abusers?

drlove...unfathomable exclamation mark !

thats ok, i didnt get what you meant at first but i think i get it now after reading some other threads. if im right i wouldnt really listen to what other people say, they havent a clue what there on about. i tend to ignore people who have no idea what it feels like to have people like npd's in our lives.

(i hope im right in what you mean?)

spot on

oh , em .... i just sort of ment i got what you ment about the "other thread", being fodder and all that . didnt mean to confuse ,honest .

do you have coffee?

i think people who have NPD parent(s)are more likely to marry/co-habit with a twunt/npd.Its too true about the raising/training...did it myself...ex-h is a difficult person, and although he`s not NPD he has a few of the "NPD qualities".
took me a while to work out that i married him because there was something "familar" about his personality.

have coffee baileys , will that do?
.
Actually today i sat and thought about what my life was like before i cut contact with my parents , and i am so glad i did. life is so much easier.

unlikely i think the thing to remember is( if youve not lived it you cant understand, and if them on other thread cant undrestand they shouldnt be bitching commenting.
keep you chin up ....dont let it get too you

shitiety , im a thread killer !

dr love, im still here but im off to bed now, i get what you mean about being glad that there not in your life, i love it that my mother isnt in mine,

i will be here tomorrow i will post then,.

night night.

(cheers for the baileys,)

sucking out of baileys straw. Ta

slurp

Course I get it. Love to us all.

Seal has a wonderful (imo - dont expect you to agree) track out called I am Your Man.

You can't get it on youtube but you can on itunes. Buy Example at same time . Then take knickers off, stand naked in the kitchen on yr head where possibleand be glad that we are still standing

(upsiddown obviously)

lol Unlikely ! am off to bed too, none of that naked in the kitchen shenanegans for me ,.

seal is blimey-gorgelicious. I met him years ago at the brit awards. He shrivelled my mic he was so tall

and um tall

and

it's lonely

loving

Seal

If I was introduced to Seal, I would just blush and run away as he is too gorgeous - I liked that 'and we're never going to survvvvvviiiiiive, unless we get a little crayayzy...'

Unlikely, buzzwords can be a good thing, it's easier to google 'narcissistic' or 'NPD' than 'so far up your own @rse all you think of is youself and don't give a sh!t about anyone not even your own children'.

Although my father mightn't have NPD he definitely has something missing up there and it helps finally knowing there are people out there who understand what it's like not being loved by your own parent. I'm used to people with a 'normal' parent not comprehending it at all.

thegrand, I quite agree.

Labels CAN help... to those of us who have bumped into people who seriously need labelling or else we would end up in the nut house undeservedly.

Example:
If a can of poisonous worms didn't have a label on it saying 'CAN OF POISONOUS WORMS' would you say to yourself...'ah well, it's probably just a bog-standard tin of baked beans with a bit of sausage baggage. Nothing I can't handle. And I am hungry and therefore going to dive in. It won't kill me if it isn't beans after all. And since nobody has warned me that I shouldn't eat anything from an unlabelled can as it might possibly make me seriously ill, then it must be ok...'

?

Not a very good analogy

but hopefully somebody gets my drift.

Its amazing how people get uncomfortable with some internet analyses here (bollox, dodgy, buzzwords etc, ((and no Orm don't stick your oar in as this isn't about you anymore)) )
and yet are quite happy to tell somebody in The Other House that she is just 'enjoying the attention ladies' over her shitty partner and is probably a lying weirdo.

Which of course may be true.

Doesn't stop people labelling her though does it.

And don't take the piss out of the 'moment passing' for the MN luv-in. It just belittles the conversation.

Are we all silly little girlies who should fuck off and stop arguing our point?

Got to get ds up and make his tea now. No H to help in this house. Doing it all on my baby-own self.

for those who are astrained from the parents do you find alot of people can be judgemental towards you and say things like "give it time" or "things will sort out in the future"?

and then when you say no things wont be sorted ever. they dont get it!

i have just bumped into someone that i havent seen in years and she was someone my mum knew, and she was awful.

why cant they understand that its not my fault i dont talk to my mother but i much prefer it this way. not every mother has strong maternal instincts and not every mother loves there children. but everyone assumes that my mother loves me and i should make the effort to have her part of my life.

i hate it that i always have to explain why we dont talk and then why i will never speak to her again for them to look at me like im the horrible one!

sorry for the rant it rreally upsets me and its these type of people that fuels my mothers need of her importance, iykwim.

this issue, no matter how hard i try to deal with, will never go away and every time i speak to someone who im not close to will always bring it all flooding back - the self questioning, the self doubting, and the knock in my self confidence.

im only 25 but im not sure how long i can keep 'dealing' this? therapy only really lasts for a while until another issue comes up and im back to square one again

its sparkle09 by the way.

Why do you need to explain? I say we're not in touch, why? We just very different and don't get on.

It's like the person who gives up alcohol and everyone else feeling so uncomfortable and saying 'go on, just a small one, what harm can it do?'

You do know the harm it can do, you don't have to justify your decisions to anyone as you're an adult. Of course easier said than done! I've been estranged from my Mum for 13 years now and only have a brief phonecall with my Dad once a fortnight. If you're confident in your explaination, I find people don't question it. They don't understand, but that's their issue not ours.

Sparkle - yes, my Mum used to hit us all the time, especially when she was raging, I'd forgotten about that. She only stopped when me and my sister started to hit her back.

sparkle yes, a lot of people say 'oh how sad are you sure there is no way of reconciling with your parents...it can't be that bad...what about writing to her? Or at least just have short telephone contact with her FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR DS'

It's difficult and makes me feel guilty for ds but much less so now than it used to.

The fact is I dont want to speak to them and now that we are NC I am much straighter in my heAD; I don't have to put up with her being the Virgin Mary or the callous cow or the totally indifferent, or the vaguely critical o the downright disinterested...now do I have to suffer the feeling of thinking she intensely dislikes me and that her other children are far better than me.

So when people persis in asking if there is no way we can reconciliate etc now or pull the sad face, I just shake my head and say 'No chance so don't push it' very directly.

If they persist in asking I say 'Let's put it like this: I would not leave my son alone with them (which is true), if you understand my meaning.'

This usually stops the questions. But yes I did go through a long time of feeling awful about it. But other people don't have this kind of relationships and so no, they cannot comprehend it really. Once they think abuse has been involved though (and I do not specify what sort), they step back.

You are not alone in this!

My mum got a lot of flak for wanting to cut off my NPD gran.
The entire world had swallowed gran's image of herself as a bountiful generous person.

The truth was she used presents solely as a form of control.

She'd never buy my parents anything because "you've got enough already", boast endlessly about how they were going on their 103rd world cruise, then hand over a cheque for me or my brother or an amazing doll or train set, which of course, when I was young, I was thrilled with.

Then my mum was left with the hideous situation of not wanting us to have the gift (as it was bought entirely with the intent to show how generous gran was and to make my parents OBLIGATED to feel gratitude) and mum wanting to throw the present back in her face for the manipulating tactic it was.

Of course, my mum did not take these presents away from us but I do remember how uptight and silent she was when we got them, normally she would exlaim and say "thanks" for any gift we were given.

Thing is, the whole world would say "ooh look how genrous your gran is!" and "what a fantastic granny!" while our parents were dangled on this forced obligation and gratitude string.

It was a terrible atmosphere once I was old enough to realise what was going on.

To this day I have relative who believe my Gran was some king of bountiful angel...she's been dead 20 years. But she only gave gifts to make HER look good.

I was unsure about whether to join this thread but after follwing the link to the 'daughters of narcissistic mothers' site I' certain i'm in the right place.

I suspected she had NPD but thought she maybe just had a few subtle traits. After reading the info on the site it's like most of it was written about her. My dad also fits the 'enabler' description.

I sat with tears of relief and sadness pouring down my cheeks. Relief that I shouldn't feel guilty for cutting contact and that it's not my fault. Sadness that I feel cheated out fo having a 'normal' mother and that my childhood wasn't all I thought it was

My mother falls under the 'engulfing mother' description and therefore cutting off all contact has been very difficult. Most recently I had to get the police to warn her to stop contacting me and not to show up at my house again. She is currently trying to continue her emotional abuse my posting parcels to me, suposedly presents for her grandson but they include cards full of nasty emotional abuse and objects meant to trigger chilhood memories and feelings of guilt. I've ignored the 3 she's sent so far, she just wants attention so I feel the only way I have any power is to deny her that.

DALRYMPS ive had that , when i first cut contact with my mum she sent cards and a birthday present for me. she hadnt sent one ever before (- puts a new slant on things.)
i found the best way to deal with the cards is simply to bin them without opening.if you open them and read whats inside you get sucked in again, it just prolongs the agony. the gifts can be donated to charity, you dont have to open them either.
without a doubt i know i have done the best thing .I am happy and my kids dont have to see me reduced to a gibbering wreck when im near her.im lucky enough to have a great set of in-laws ,so my kids dont miss having a nice loving set of grandparents too.