For those with narcissistic parents - care to join me?

[roseability]

How have you come to peace with this situation, knowing they will never be able to give you normal family love?

How do you keep an emotional distance and protect yourself?

Should they be allowed access to your own children?

Are they abusers?

My mother has NPD, I'm almost certain of it (in the inevitable absence of a diagnosis).

TBH I find it very difficult to come to terms with as I also don't have a father (I never knew him). My mother has done the typical NPD thing in getting the family to take sides with her, including my sister. She has achieved this over the years by telling lies and bad-mouthing me. She is such a malignant influence.

The upshot of this is that I have felt forced to cut her out of my life. I haven't seen her since last yeear and, though I feel hugely better for it, I must live with the fact that I have absolutely no family whatsover (not a single person). It's the price I pay but I do feel I've paid time and time again for her problems and it seems heartily unfair that it turned out that way.

I guess life is too short and I try not to dwell on it (though it's hard) and to count my blessings (lovely children, husband, lovely friends).

The crunch, for me, was when my elder child reached an age I felt she would begin to take notice of what my mother might say behind my back.

In my opinion, if they have abused you verbally/emotionally, then they are abusers, yes.

Signs up, going to read through later

but in answer to your questions
I don't think you ever find peace, 3 years on I haven't yet, every time I think it dosen't hurt, it hurts a little bit more

I don't speak to my father at all, and try not to let my mothers actions hurt, I ignore when she protects his feelings over mine, when she has openly admitted he has never apologised to anyone in his life

My children have no contact with him at all, which apparently makes me evil and he never dreamt I would be capable of something so cruel, not questioning why my children are not allowed to visit the last time he seen my dd2 she was 1 day old she was 3, 2 weeks ago it still hurts

I do think there is emotional abuse there, as even my dh said when he met me, I would never let anyone say a bad word about my father even though it is clear to all he is a foul tempered loon with no respect for anyone!

Hi all,

I'm new to MN; this is my first post. DH and I and TTC and so I've been lurking on MN for a while but recently the Stately Homes thread and this have caught my interest due to my relationship with my controlling parents.

I just want to thank sparkle09 for posting the link to 'Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers' - what an utter revelation. It's as if I've been shortsighted all my life and have suddenly put on a pair of glasses and can now see everything properly.

My mother fulfills pretty much everything on the list but I hadn't put it all together before.

My father is enabling but also very controlling in his own right.

Am finding this a bit of a head f* at the moment but it is such a help to know it's not me. When I think about all the hurt I've endured from them over the years - they'll never be the parents I want them to be will they?

Dittany I'm sure the empty dolls house is very symbolic. A grand gesture, no substance, an ultimately shallow gift. My father used to buy my brother and I books on nature/wildlife purely because that's what interested him. When I was older he bought me short stories collections because he likes them and thought I should as well. One year he bought me some Clarins stuff because he asked me what I wanted and I told him. He seemed very disappointed with my choice and I bet it really pained him to buy it. Fortunately I am through caring about what my dad thinks - he has little emotional hold over me. I do still feel guilt and a responsibility to stay in touch (which I am battling with at the moment)and he still manipulates in that I feel I can't be open with him about how I feel - he will deflect all blame and try and draw me into a conversation which basically excuses his actions and tries to elicit sympathy for him.

You know, I cope okay most of the time but some days it's really really hard.

When I was a kid, of course, I had no idea there was anything wrong with my mum. Looking back, she was showing all sorts of signs even then, but I never started to suffer the effects until I was about 10.

As an example, we moved 300 miles from our home town so my mum could persue a relationship. I was 9 at the time and I was asked my opinion and said that, yes, I'd like to go and live there (mainly because it was a move to the seaside). We only stayed for a year (her relationship broke up) but I was actually very unhappy there and was bullied at school. I used to come home and feign illness and all sorts.

When I finally plucked up courage to tell my mum what was happening, she simply replied "Well, you wanted to move down here as much as I did" and walked away.

I learned that the only way I'd get symapthy was to feign earache. She always suffered with her ears as a child so she would give me sympathy if I said my ears were hurting (or rather, she would let me stay off school and seem concerned).

Today I was feeding my baby her lunch and they were playing "Imagine" by John Lennon on Radio 2 and I just started crying. The song reminds me of the early 1980's, which was just before we moved away and at the end of the period I'd call my "childhood". It reminds me of the last time I felt happy and loved, before I realised that I really wasn't.

You cope most of the time but you can't expect to cope always and the other thing is this: Nobody will truly understad what it's been like for you unless they have also had the same experience. Thank god we have the internet because without finding out about NPD (through the links on MN) I'd still be totally in the dark.

dittany I shuddered when I read that he bought the empty dolls house for you after your mum left.

wow, so many stories, i have found it hard reading some of your posts as it has brought me back memories but i have also found it thereputic as i was always convinced that i was the only one or that maybe it was in my head. or even that i was over-reacting about my mother behaviour, but i get that those feelings are down to her manipulation of me. the last few weeks have been such revelation that every thing i thought about my mother and our relationship was totally under her control and i am now reinforced in the fact that she will never be apart of my life or most importantly my childrens.

my mother was an ideal mother to us 3 girls whilst we were very young, and things would start to go wrong when we would reach the ages of about 6-8 years old. i firmly believe that this is because young girls attract alot of attention, as we got got older and became grotty kids rather that cute little kids we didnt bring her the attention she craved. also our age gaps show this to be true too, i was 6 when my middle sister was born, then when she was 8 mother had my youngest sister, so it to me shows that once she was 'bored' of us she had another.

I'm still reading through but just wanted to say, the person who posted at start is soo right about the feeling of guilt,
I didn't have the courage to stand up to my dad because I felt so guilty I would hurt his feelings,
even now, I think I would die if he ever agreed to one of dhs requests to clear the air as he wouldn't like what I had to say and I don't want to hurt his feelings,

even though he has hurt mine time and time again

sorry I have just posted another thread as I did not realise this one was still going!

I'm finding this all very hard to process and a lot of sad feelings are being dredged up. I SO identify with the guilt - I'm even feeling guilty posting right now!

Bascially I've never felt loved by my parents for who I am - only for what I've done, i.e. something they can boast to other people about to reflect well on them.

I'm 33 and they still try and tell me what to do with the phrase, "Do it for Mum," or "It'll make Dad really happy." And I STILL fall for it!

Hi there.

I need to pop out but don't want to loose this thread, will come back and post more later.

Rhinestone that is so true, I did 4 years at university in a course I was good at but didn't actually want to do just so my dad could say his daughter was going to this particular university,
but at my graduation he jumped up and down like a big child and gave off to my mum because the batteries in the camera weren't working, of course it was all her fault, and even though I said it didn't matter I was trying to enjoy the day he had a big grumpy face the whole time,
every single occasion in my life he has spoiled by "going off on one" as I call it

Sparkle09 I feel the same way as you, I was embarrassed by dads behaviour as he wouldn't let the fact there were guests in the house stop him ranting, but I would still defend him and everyone else still does by saying "ah but you know what hes like" I think because there is no physical abuse its easy to feel guilty for thinking they are bad/wrong iykwim

Re the gifts, we actually got spoilt at christmas but it was all my mum, my dad never got up on christmas morning to see us open our presents, and it hurts me more now because I can't imagine not getting up with my dcs on christmas morning, or letting dh not get up on christmas morning
and when we got older everyone had to sit and watch him open his presents, and there was never any lying if he didn't like it he would tell you

And probably the worst about it all is my mum lets him away with it, it has damaged our relationship so much, I'm basically hanging in there because I don't want to hurt her even though it kills me every time I spend time with her because its just not the same

Going to stop boring you all there because I feel really bad now writing that

I think thats my longest post ever on MN

plumbummum - my adoptive father once ruined a Christmas by ranting at me for buying him a tie (what the hell did you buy that for, I don't need it etc). I was 12 years old. He would go running Christmas morning and generally do what he liked and dangled love and attention on a string. He couldn't bear anyone else having a fun time. It is a classic Narcissistic behaviour I think.

Sparkle09 thanks for posting the link to daughters of narcissitic mothers it gave me a lightbuld moment too, though about my father, and I feel my experience was/is pretty mild compared to what you guys have gone through. In answer to OP, I've accepted that I'll never have a 'normal' relationship with my father. I still flinch at people's belief that every female is a 'daddy's girl'. I do keep my distance, and haven't seen him since he made one of his usual cutting comments about my dd a couple of years ago. My mother worshipped him and did anything to keep the peace, when they split up over his adultury she remarried and eventually I realised that the same pattern was occuring. Stepfather has to be centre of attention, not interested in anyone other than himself and has IMHO deliberately alienated me and my siblings over the years. It's a relief to know that I'm not alone in this.

I'm so grateful that you listed the common traits of NPD above because it just confirms to me everything I've suspected for a while now. It is my sister down to a T.

No no no it's just an MN buzzword. Meaningless twaddle. Don't become one of the fay twankers who buy into it. It's just MN zeitgeist

You are reading far too much into a well known disorder called Knob-Twattery. NPD is an anacronym for Nameye Peing Dunreasonable.

Chuckle.

Followed by serious conversation.

anyone for a group hug ?

this is why I am cross. here

I suppose we are fair fodder though. Been shat on all our lives so why not take a bit more.

Unlikelyamazonian - are you ok?

Yes sparkle I am fine. And many thanks for asking. pass the schnapps

unlikely !

crapulous thread in The Other House.
tis all (as rod liddle would say)