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Relationships

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Original poster

Do you think you would still be together if you didn't have children?

61 replies

oliveoil · 14/06/2005 12:54

Going through a bad patch at the moment and after yet another niggly evening that descended into a row, we both said that if it wasn't for the girls, then we probably wouldn't be together. Which is probably overstating things as we are usually ok, so fingers crossed on that front.

But it got me thinking, that if it was a long term relationship we probably would be apart and are really only trying to salvage things for dd1 and dd2. Sometimes it is too much like hard work and like having 3 children sometimes.

Anyone else only trying for their children's sake and hoping for the best?

(work is busy so I may only be able to get back to look later today)

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 14/06/2005 12:55

Yes.

Lizzylou · 14/06/2005 12:57

We would still be together, IMO we argue more now than before DS, simply due to both feeling so tired and not having as much sex!
Hope you work things out

northerner · 14/06/2005 12:58

I know what you mean OO. Sometimes I do feel like you, we all have our rocky patches.

But, when it comes to the crunch, I really couldn't be without my dh. But that might be in an old comfy slippers type of way, IYKWIM!

ninah · 14/06/2005 13:02

No .. but we are .. and I am happy we are iyswim. If we hadn't had ds I wouldn't have made half so much effort to work through our problems, even tho I love dp. But I am damn glad - hugely hugely grateful - I was forced to take a resposible view and work at it by virtue of the fact that our son's future was at stake too. Otherwise I would have done a runner, and I wouldn't have what I have today.

acnebride · 14/06/2005 13:07

I think so, given that we've only been together 2 years. Hard to say what our relationship would be like without children, as I was pg within 4 weeks of starting to go out

Just before the birth I started to panic that dh wouldn't fancy me if I wasn't pregnant

bumptobabies · 14/06/2005 13:08

i wouldnt and ive only been married a year. thing is hes a perfect partner,father i just dont fancy him and hes boring i mean how many men have a shed before 30 please.i dont enjoy sex. and im fed up i wont do anything as i put the kids first as always. so i will be unhappy for ooh say 17 years ill just go and stick me head in the oven

WideWebWitch · 14/06/2005 13:08

No but my marriage to ex dh didn't work and we didn't stay together for the sake of ds. I've been with dp for 5 years and can honestly say that we'd be together children or no children, definitely. Sorry you're having a bad patch.

NomDePlume · 14/06/2005 13:09

It's impossible to say, but i'd like to think that we would be. We've had difficult times and i guess we have been more willing to work through them because of the children but ultimately I love him and I would hope that the pull of that alone would be enough to make us try even without the kids, IYSWIM

gaelsgirl · 14/06/2005 13:13

not sure right now, we are going to relate to try and work through it

triceratops · 14/06/2005 13:15

Our relationship was a damn sight easier and more fun without kids. We were more equal in that we both worked long hours earned well and enjoyed the same hobbies, we were married for eight years before ds.

Now I am mostly a SAHM he resents having to pay for everything and I resent doing all the housework and childcare we are both tired all the time and we can't share the things we used to do together without planning a month in advance and organising a babysitter. However we both agree that having kids is the best thing that ever happened to us and we can start having fun again in about 10 years

dinosaur · 14/06/2005 13:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Lonelymum · 14/06/2005 13:17

Dh and I mention this occasionally. We agree that if our lives were this monotonous and lacking in moments of fun and affection without children, then no, we would not still be together. But the fact is, if we didn't have children we both know we would have much more fun and time for each other and we would be hugely better off financially etc, so we would hopefully still be enjoying being together. The point is, we realise that these years with young children are difficult and something to get through as best we can. If things don't pick up by the time the children leave home, then we will know we are in trouble!

Caligula · 14/06/2005 13:20

I think with us it was the opposite. It was the advent of children and the subsequent need for lifestyle changes which split us up. I think I'd probably still be with ex if we hadn't had kids.

(Rather have the kids though!)

Blu · 14/06/2005 13:26

Not if we were like we are now - but we wouldn't be like we are now if we didn't have Ds, but if we had never had a child then yes, we'd be together, I think.
i.e it is the pressure of life with a child that puts most pessure on our relationship, and having DS is the reason we withstand that pressure and take care not to let it destroy us.

Fimbo · 14/06/2005 13:26

Yes. Looking forward to the time when its just him and me again, although not looking forward to getting old!! I have a friend like Caligula, her and her dh split because he couldn't handle having kids and now he never sees them

nutcracker · 14/06/2005 13:30

No definatly not.

colditz · 14/06/2005 13:32

We wouldn't no way, I'd have left him years ago. Or he'd have left me.

Tortington · 14/06/2005 13:44

nope. in fact had a massive ding dong which lasted two days last night( one of which wasn't speaking, which we NEVER do)and i remember on thursday of last week loving him so very much - then last night he said some wicked things about me being morose, crying all the time, on the edge!?! and then he said "i have been thinking that maybe you would be happier without me"

i sat and listened for ages through all his ramblings and i had previously been crying through the row. then i gathered all my strength and i told him that i would be a little trapped for cash - but then i have been there before- so if he wants to leave i will do very nicely thank you and i wouldnt want to keep him. however i reminded him that if he cared to cast his mind back to yesterday when i was skateboarding with my 12 year old to the shop, or maybe on saturday when i was helping my daughter decorate her bedroom, what about my insistance of singing bohemian rhapsody in the car with the waynes world moment, how about playing pool with my eldest son, ball room dancing with my youngest son in the front front room, how about how i pinch his arse call him sexy, laugh at farts (i do i know am sad)ring him up at work and bring him home early for fab sex. i told him that he had a twisted view of me and that i am the most self critical person ( as he well knows) but i would not classify myself as being like that, and he can find himself another woman who isn't anal about housework and where he puts his socks, and puts up with the piss take that i do then he will be very fcking lucky. i told him i would start applying for jobs in Oldham as i would get a house there easily enough and i have friends there.

that shocked him. but in answer to your question i think no, i wouldn't have stayed with and put up with some of the stunts he has pulled over the years - even though in between said stunts he beats any other fella by miles. the stunts in themselves would have made me leave.

those words last night were going to make me leave despite having children. we made up - hes got a lot of work to do - becuase those words are out there now

sad36 · 14/06/2005 13:47

No way. Only stay because I want DD to have her father. I am not bothered about having anyone else so although I may be a bit miserable I can cope with it knowing she has her mum and dad around. Even though it has to be sad he is a crap father and does nothing to help!

ninah · 14/06/2005 13:49

oh custardo! what a great speech, wish I could come up with half of that when I need to.
My point is that the no, wouldn't be there without children is not a negative view ... thank goodness we are here, and had and will have such things to celebrate

Original poster

oliveoil · 14/06/2005 13:58

ooh goody, lots of responses. But there are so many of us feeling this way.

Dh is a great father and mostly a fab husband but just lately has really really been getting on my tits (and not in a good way). Seems like we are bickering all the time and I am on pins waiting for him to come home to see what mood he is in. dd1 is going through her toddler phase, with all the stress that entails and if she starts, he has no patience. Not that I have much more .

Sigh.

OP posts:

haven · 14/06/2005 14:03

nope we wouldn't. when i found out i was pg with ds, we were actually seperated. he wouldn't even come to see me. he said he didn't even love me. then about 2 months of moving out, i noticed "signs" and took a test. i called dh, and asked him to come over, he refused. so i hung up, and he called back, and said, "what the f**k, you pregnant or something acting like this" and all i could say was,"yes i am". he was over in about 15 minutes, (it is a 25 minute drive) begging to get back together, but not 25 minutes before he didn't want anything to do with me. it still gets to me, but, that's why i am going back to school, that way when the kids get bigger and we have nothing left, and he decides he still doesn't want me well, i'll be o.k.

don't get me wrong, since having ds and moving away from MIL, we get along great, but i also told him i would not raise another child in an environment where parents fight all the time, but also, we are older now. that could have alot to do with it. i was 22 and he was 21 when we met. been almost 7 years. hell he's growing to love me.

one more thing, people change with time, so the person we were isn't the person we will be, that include our sig. others.

TwinSetAndPearls · 14/06/2005 15:00

Me and dp are togther because of our dd, well my dd she is from my marriage, I made a conscious decision to settle down with someone who would be a good father figure for Grace and he has been. Dd would be distraught if we were to separate and she has been through enough.

We are very different,m he is very conservative both politically and socially and very sensible. I am an impulsive leftie luvvie who relishes in being the centre of attention.

We have had a lot of problems lately and have admitted that if it wasn't for dd we would have parted a long time ago. I think to be honest I shoudl never have started the relationship I my have met someone who was a good father and also set my world alight. However we did start a relationship and we now are both determined to see it through for her sake. We are now happier after being honest with each other.

weesaidie · 14/06/2005 15:02

I am with Caligula here. We split up because I was pg and he wasn't ready to be a father! Now he is a father and a fairly good one but we are still no longer a couple. We get on well but too much water under the bridge I guess.

Prufrock · 14/06/2005 15:04

custy I am sorry to hear your dh is being an arse. But sometimes things are said in the heat of a moment that really are not meant - has he apologised profusely and attempted to mak things up to you?

I would still be with dh - the 2 times when I have even considered life without him were both when I was in the hormonal throes of terrible pregnancies and incredibly jealous of his ability to still have a life when mine was so hellish.

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