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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please tell me what you think

72 replies

BurningBuntingFlipFlop · 08/10/2009 12:32

Dh had to go to a fringe reception thing after after work at CPC last night. Said he'd be home about 12/1am ish. Anyway, i'm up with dd (5mo) at 2am and he's not in, i text and he said he was leaving soon. 3am, no sign. So i called, and called, no answer. I'm now really worried about him. At 4am he calls back from a taxi. 4.30am gets home. I text him saying sleep on the sofa.

He's completely pissed and i'm furious for having made me worry. He gets undressed and gets on the sofa. I noticed his white shirt has fountation marks on it. He also says he's lost his phone! He must have left it in the taxi. So i'm calling his phone no answer.

Anyway, this morning he comes into the bedroom at 8am, i'm asleep with the baby. I was pretty surprised he'd woke. I then start going mad at him again.. angry. He gets ready then starts looking for the house phone to call a taxi (can't drive - still pissed) to get to work. Finds house phone, calls taxi and goes.

5 mins later he texts me "phone was on the sofa" ie next to him all night! wtf?? why the charade of looking for the housephone when it was in his pocket all along? why tell me he's lost it when he clearly had it with him on the sofa all along AND managed to set his alarm on it! Probably because he was texting/emailing someone or something. God knows. Liar.

I'm so pissed off, i feel like i hate him. I sounds to me so much like he was upto no good, don't you think?

He's not even apologised! Just keeps saying i'm at work i'll talk to you later when i text him expletives.

I've had enough.

As an aside, does anyone know anything about grounds for divorce?

OP posts:

ginnny · 08/10/2009 12:38

Sounds dodgy to me
Has he done anything else to arouse your suspicions lately or is this the first thing?
Bit soon to be talking divorce though, unless this is the last straw?
Even if it is not another woman, he should be a bit more considerate.

Mamazonabroomstick · 08/10/2009 12:42

he was pissed and probably didn't realise he had his phone.
he was out at a work do with alcohol.
yes he should have at least let you know roughly when he would be home and if he was later then informed you of this.

I dont think he has been all that awfull though. it's just typical drunken behaviour to me.

I can't see why you would assume he was texting someone else? i think youhave other issues that you either havent mentioned or you just dont realise yourself

GypsyMoth · 08/10/2009 12:45

if he managed to set his alarm then i'm sure he knew where the phone was!!!

does sound dodgy...any other grounds for not believing him/suspiciousness??

viennesewhirl · 08/10/2009 12:50

You think he set the alarm because he was up early? I used to wake up really early if I'd got very drunk the night before - wouldn't have needed any alarm. And if you were calling it and couldn't hear it ring, seems unlikely it was at home. I can't imagine him going to the trouble of inventing the losing it story and using your landline to ring the cab.

Could it be - this sounds awful, but I'm only thinking it bc of the foundation on his shirt - that he'd accidentally left his phone with someone else (i.e. in the cab with other person), who gave it back to him in the morning?

Original poster

BurningBuntingFlipFlop · 08/10/2009 13:02

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/810897-I-feel-as-though-i-39-m-losing-the-plot here is a previous thread of his behaviour - was mamakim

I have since name changed.

OP posts:

Original poster

BurningBuntingFlipFlop · 08/10/2009 13:06

He had his phone on silent. As he does when he's at home. So he got undressed to his boxers and under the throw on the sofa and got his phone out of his pocket and concealed it under throw with him.

It's not like he fell asleep with his clothes on with it in his pocket, he knew full well he had it.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/10/2009 13:08

He was a complete arse over getting home so late and not informing you upfront.

If he was pissed it seems all too likely to me that he genuinely couldn't find his phone so would just befuddedly presume it lost.

How do you know he had set the alarm? Could he have been awakened by e.g. traffic noise outside, bin lorry, light coming through the window, even a phone call?

Foundation marks on the shirt - there are still innocent possibilities there.

You texting him expletives - well, he is at work and why would he want to argue with you while he's in the middle of his work, presumably to get earwigged by all his colleagues. There's a scenario guaranteed for both of you to say things you'd regret later. Talking face-to-face on his return is definately best.

Regardless of all that, your reaction suggests that there is a bigger issue going on here. Your reaction cannot be entirely sparked by last night.

FABIsInTraining · 08/10/2009 13:17

My feeling is if he was innocent of any wrong doing with a woman he wouldn't be narked with you.

Original poster

BurningBuntingFlipFlop · 08/10/2009 13:23

I don't think i've made it very clear. He waited until he was in the taxi to work to text me that the phone was on the sofa. He had been talking to me before he left and getting me to find the house phone to carry on the charade that he didn't have his phone when it was in his suit pocket and he'd had it all night. It was as though he suddenly clicked that he couldn't just carry on pretending he'd lost it.

OP posts:

hobbgoblin · 08/10/2009 13:25

i dont get what pretending not to have his phone means beyond him being a bit peculiar. what would that mean?

DailyMailNameChanger · 08/10/2009 13:30

Are you sure he didn't just notice it on the sofa on his way out to the taxi then text you to let you know? I am sure he was plenty drunk enough not to notice that he had dropped his phone on the sofa during the night.

Why are you so sure he is making it up unless you saw him with the phone under the covers?

mrsboogie · 08/10/2009 13:30

but why would he have had pretended that he'd lost it in the first place? it's not like he used that as an excuse not to contact you all night - he called you from the taxi on the way home.

why would he have bothered mentioning losing his phone at all when he got in? it's not like you had any reason to ask about it or look at it?

could it not be that he found it on his way out the door - was rushing for the taxi or couldn't be bothered stopping to say he'd found it and texted you once he got in the taxi?

Original poster

BurningBuntingFlipFlop · 08/10/2009 13:32

It seems that he wanted his phone with him when he got home so he said he's lost it. Then this morning he didn't want to say that so he carried on pretending then when he was safe in the taxi he told me he's found it 20 mins earlier on the sofa. He never would use the house phone. he always uses his work phone.

OP posts:

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 08/10/2009 13:33

Ok. Having read this and your earlier thread, I think he is probably having an affair of some sort. These are the red flags:

Nervousness about phone
Foundation on shirt
Staying out all night - and being able to, at the drop of a hat.
Creating arguments that result in him flouncing out, to stay out all night.
Saying "I'm leaving you" on numerous occasions.

When people on here are ever suspicious, I generally advise them to do what you did - create a phone problem so that you have to use his. The panic on these men's faces would be laughable, if it wasn't so gut-wrenchingly serious.

I can only assume that you've been making other checks since August - don't ever feel bad on here for admitting to snooping you know - so have you found anything and are there other clues?

hobbgoblin · 08/10/2009 13:33

would he?

shag someone else i mean?

Original poster

BurningBuntingFlipFlop · 08/10/2009 13:34

he put his wallet, pass and keys with his shoes, belt and suit on the chair, but hid his phone under the covers with him. I'm shattered and sound quite mad i'm sure.

OP posts:

mrsboogie · 08/10/2009 13:34

but why would he not have it with him? if you were in bed and he was on the sofa he could do what he liked with his phone and you wouldn't know.

wouldn't he normally have it with him anyway?

or do you keep them somewhere when you are in bed

Original poster

BurningBuntingFlipFlop · 08/10/2009 13:36

he'd have it on charge, not under his pillow.

OP posts:

DailyMailNameChanger · 08/10/2009 13:37

I still don't really understand, why would he lie to keep the phone with him? were you going to confiscate it?

Anyway, if you other things that point you in this particular direction then fair enough, on this incident alone I would say there is not enough to go on - accepting that I was not there and do not really know how it all came across IYSWIM.

Have you had this all out with him? Are you going to? I cannot imagine living with this kind of worry is doing you any good at all.

Original poster

BurningBuntingFlipFlop · 08/10/2009 13:37

i have no idea hobbgoblin. i would have sworn no once but now i just don't know.

OP posts:

mrsboogie · 08/10/2009 13:38

oh I'm starting to see, perhaps he hid it cos he was afraid it would start ringing or texting him at 4.30am and you would see and want to know why?

you've got to get your hands on the phone. do that thing where you get the texts diverted to your number.

DailyMailNameChanger · 08/10/2009 13:38

Ahh, cross post, I understand the phone now!

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/10/2009 13:40

OP I've read your other thread now, there is indeed a bigger issue going on isn't there ?

I think you may be focusing on the phone too much, which is understandable from your earlier thread. I still think that a pissed person is entirely capable of being unable to find their phone even when it is on their person. (I only found my housekeys in my handbag on the fourth search of it a couple of days ago and I was sober.) Phone could easily have slipped from his pocket and between cushions and he only found at the last minute. I can see no reason for him to pretend it is lost, that would only serve to make you focus on the phone and there's no reason for him to do that. Seriously, why would he lie on this point? If he hadn't 'lost' it it would still have been near him overnight, wouldn't it? What would such a lie have gained him?

How has life been since August? He had left at that point, how did it come about that he's back? Because this isn't all about last night, is it?

TheGhostOfAMushroom · 08/10/2009 13:40

Hmmmmm....foundation on a shirt???...yeah,very dodgy i wouldnt trust him...burn his clothes, it might make you feel better.

Original poster

BurningBuntingFlipFlop · 08/10/2009 13:43

I've had suspicions because of behavior in previous thread so he probably wouldn't leave it lying around if he was texting someone in case i decided to look at it so he said he'd lost it so he could hide it! He did the whole housephone bit after he's got ready and it was in his suit pocket, i was there the whole time, he didn't just then find it on the sofa.

This morning i said i was leaving him and he said nothing. I've been texting him and he just says at work i'll speak to you later. By the way he could easily talk to me for a while whilst at work. It's just his control thing he does. I feel awful. Do you think i'm being crazy then?

OP posts:

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