Please tell me what you think

[BurningBuntingFlipFlop]

Dh had to go to a fringe reception thing after after work at CPC last night. Said he'd be home about 12/1am ish. Anyway, i'm up with dd (5mo) at 2am and he's not in, i text and he said he was leaving soon. 3am, no sign. So i called, and called, no answer. I'm now really worried about him. At 4am he calls back from a taxi. 4.30am gets home. I text him saying sleep on the sofa.

He's completely pissed and i'm furious for having made me worry. He gets undressed and gets on the sofa. I noticed his white shirt has fountation marks on it. He also says he's lost his phone! He must have left it in the taxi. So i'm calling his phone no answer.

Anyway, this morning he comes into the bedroom at 8am, i'm asleep with the baby. I was pretty surprised he'd woke. I then start going mad at him again.. angry. He gets ready then starts looking for the house phone to call a taxi (can't drive - still pissed) to get to work. Finds house phone, calls taxi and goes.

5 mins later he texts me "phone was on the sofa" ie next to him all night! wtf?? why the charade of looking for the housephone when it was in his pocket all along? why tell me he's lost it when he clearly had it with him on the sofa all along AND managed to set his alarm on it! Probably because he was texting/emailing someone or something. God knows. Liar.

I'm so pissed off, i feel like i hate him. I sounds to me so much like he was upto no good, don't you think?

He's not even apologised! Just keeps saying i'm at work i'll talk to you later when i text him expletives.

I've had enough.

As an aside, does anyone know anything about grounds for divorce?

he's gone to his mums

competely calm when he told me he didn't know if he still loved me, to which i saud well do you or not, he said he didn't. i wonder if he saw his OW last night who pushed him into leaving me or he made his mind up. or something. who fucking knows.

He sounds an arse Flip flop - I know you must be feeling crap at the moment and in shock, but I really think you will be better without him. I have read the other thread and there is definately something not right here.

Your power and choice haven't gone - you can call the shots now - he has decided to up and leave after telling you that. Therefore he has lost the right to make any choices now, the choices must be yours.

He was absolutely off his face this morning, but not tonight when he declared he hadn't loved me since i was 8 months pregnant!?

Yes, what a lovely man he sounds to tell you that - and what a fucking coward to only have the courage to tell you that now.

What an inadequate selfish knobend he sounds.
You do have power and choices, though. You ccan choose to tell him that the relationship is over because you can't trust hhim, or you can choose to 'give him space' ie carry on cooking and cleaning and childrearing while he fannies around dropping hints that he might love you again today but might not tomorrow.
Remember: there's nothing worse for your mental health than trying to make someone love you, and nothing better for getting out of the horrible situation you are in now than drawing a firm line under the relationship and telling him that he's out.

I know this is a hard thing to do under the circumstances, but your children must now come first. You need to be strong for them, what a twat he is!

Time to think about what you are going to do, financially and accomodation wise.

Your babies need you, stuff him. Get a makeover and try to look like you don't care, really hard I know but you will need the support of any family and friends right now.

Just don't get how evil some men are.

I understand from your posts that you have some concerns about his phone and whether he is hiding anything from you, but I don't know how other posters can conclude from that that he is definitely having an affair. It is OK to be worried, suspicious and to seek answers and reassurance, but please do not jump to the wrong conclusion (and it may be wrong).

You both sound very, very tired. Small child, new baby, new job - all very stressful. I know when my family was little it would have taken almost nothing for me (or my dh) to get to the stage where either of us would have just said "that's it, I'm leaving". Are you both just so stressed and sleep deprived that you have reached the end of your tether?

It does sound as though you both react very angrily to each other, but it doesn't seem as if it was that way a year ago. If it is stress that is making you feel like that, then what can you possibly do to find a more peaceful, calm space where you can relax more, talk properly (without accusing each other), and make some real plans about how you can get your lovely relationship back.

I have been at work events like the one that you describe, and I know how once the wine starts flowing it is easy to lose track of time a little. Once it gets to 1am - do you risk phoning to say you'll be late (and wake up your sleeping partner, who will be furious with you for that) or do you assume that they will be asleep and decide not to do it? As I said - I've been there, and both decisions are wrong and in any case drunk people are not the best at making those rational decisions.

Sorry for the long post. I really hope you can get the answers you need and want.

bbff how are you today?

Destroyed.

He is cool and calm and doesn't really seem to give a damn.

He's giving me the "you deserve better" bull shit.

why is he doing this??

I called a woman at his work that i know and she reckoned there was no chance he was having an affair at work.

i know its easy t say but i really think your better off without him

Flip-flop....don't really know what to say, but just want to say my heart goes out to you. and just want to echo what some of the other posters have said; it DOES sound like there is another woman (sorry) - I know its hard but kick him out!! he is being a total shit!!!!!!!!!! you poor thing, with 2 kids and this happens, i really feel for you. please keep posting and please dont harm yourself your kids need you, honestly, what a total bastard ((((hugs)))) and i agree with carriedababi you ARE better off without him you and your DCs deserve better!!!!! xxxx

I wouldn't say definitely that there was another woman, but it does ring alarm bells.
My ex did this, said he didn't love me anymore, needed a break, even convinced the whole family he was having a nervous breakdown (I was 5 months pg, totally planned and we were happy - or so I thought).
Turned out he was shagging one of his customers, but I didn't find out for sure until 2 years later.
NEVER underestimate the lies a man will tell to get himself off the hook.
I'm so sorry you are going through this but concentrate on your dc and stay strong.

It's actually irrelevant whether or not there is another woman involved. What is relevant is his unkind, selfish treatment of the OP, basically threatening to leave her every time he doesnt get his own way and treating her with contempt. This is actually far more pernicious and less forgivable than a drunken bunk up with someone else might be. It's using 'love' as a carrot-and-stick approach, as though the OP were a pet or an object that needs to be reprogrammed.
People who treat their partners like this rarely, very very rarely change, and even if they do, they still know they only have to hint that 'I might stop loving you' to get their own way or at least cause a satisfying display of misery in their partners.

Just an update - h text me this morning saying "can i come home today? i want to be together again"

yeah, i know, would be funny if my heart hadn't been ripped out and i'd been through hell in the past 3 days.

i do love him so i've said i need time but i'll meet him tomorrow night for a coffee but there's no way he can come home until we see a councillor and he goes to the gp.

wheres he been staying?

let us know how you get on hun and dont take any shit off him.xx

solid has some good advice - its great that he has come to you - stay strong and if him getting help is a condition then stick to it.
You too have to 'train' him out of his behaviour.

I met him last night and he was a complete wreck we were in the pub at the premier inn (where he's staying) and he was sobbing, throughtout the whole thing. Says he can go in work and cope fine but thats all he can do. He kept saying don't let ds turn out like this. He was like a little boy and i wanted to just look after him.

He said he was going to try and get an apt at the priory today, then text saying he needed a gp referrel. I called the gp and managed to get an apt for tomorrow morning. I text him that and he replied "got a meeting all day tomorrow, can do thursday" wtf!

He left me broken, looking after a baby and a 2 year old because hes having a breakdown apparenty but his fucking meeting is important.

We've got an apt with relete tonight but i'm begininng to think he's quite mad. My dad had severe mental health issues and my mum tried to fix him for 20 years (he was violent though). How did i meet the 'perfect man' and he's turned out like this.

he cried and you wanted to help him- that is natural and actually he is playing on that - poor him wants to be the victim and you will make it all better.

He can get better but he has to do it - i agree about the gp appointment he is either serious or he is not. and his actions says the latter.

Stay strong pandering to his every need now will not help him - however strong that urge is.

ummm funny how he can mange work ok.
maybe he needs some tough love?

hope your ok

I'm coming in late to this but it appears that this man is an emotional coward.

He can hold down work and attend meetings, but when he leaves work then the really tough part of his life - the part that matters - is somehow beyond him. Sorry to be cynical but he can hide at work.

My apologies if he is genuinely suffering from a mental health/stress issue. If this is the case he needs to see the GP immediately and if possible take time out.