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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

an affair

75 replies

jbear · 09/09/2009 17:41

I found out at xmas that my husband had been having an affair with my friend. We went on holiday with them and her family spent the whole time making fun of me.We were only married a few months. The affair went on for 4 years . He says he tried to finish it but she threatened to tell me. He encouraged our frienship and would get cross if i said i did not want to meet up with her. She would text me all the time and would just show up at my house. He denies sleeping with her in our house but she was far to familiar in my house. He got her pregnant twice but she miscarried. however my baby is the image of her daughter. her husband knows that something went on but not what i know. it has taken until now to get this info. he said he did not love her but the were together for so long.he was distant an thekissing stopped what should i do

OP posts:

jeminthecellar · 09/09/2009 17:43

That is just awful.

What do you want to do?

I would stay leave the bastard,,,,

jeminthecellar · 09/09/2009 17:45

You found out 9 months ago? What state is your relationship in now? You must have wanted to sort things out- has there been any progression in the past 9 months?

Portofino · 09/09/2009 17:46

Kick his arse right out the door is what I would do. I would NEVER trust him again after 4 years and pgs. If I discovered a brief work place fling or similar I might be prepared to give a 2nd chance but NOT in the circumstances you describe. He is totally taking the piss.

HappyWoman · 09/09/2009 17:50

So he allowed her family to make fun of you, and you think him actually having sex with her is a problem????.

He obviously does not care about your or your feelings - i think it is pretty obvious what you need to do.

Run away from him and dont look back. you are worth so much more than this.

abedelia · 09/09/2009 17:54

Well, I would be telling her husband everything, for a start. Not only will it help to prevent anythnig happening again but he has every right to know if she has been passing off another man's child as his - not to mention the child's right to know who their parent is.

To be honest, I am in the process of trying to live with (I do not use the word forgive, as I never will) my H's affair. That was a 6 week EA and a one night stand with said woman. That said there is no way I could get over a 4 year thing, particularly when he was actually rubbing my nose in it by making me be friends with her to give him an excuse to have her about. Plus four years of unprotected sex and two or three pregnancies... ugh.

How did you find out - did you discover, or did he tell you?

Sunfleurs · 09/09/2009 18:21

I could never forgive this and I put up with no end of crap from my ex. This is probably one of the worst things I have ever read on MN.

You poor thing. You do know that he did of course sleep with her in your house, why would he have not done this, he did every other awful thing a man having an affair could do? This man clearly has no care or respect for you. He does not even seem to see you as a person worthy of any respect.

For me I would tell her husband, then I would pack his bags and throw them out of the front windown, he would never get near me again. This would make me so strong, I don't think I could even cry over a man who behaved like this to me, I would hate him too much.

What is happening now, is he showing any remorse or signs of wanting to make things work?

HappyWoman · 09/09/2009 18:36

I saw that you had written on another thread that you think with the right counselling you could get over this - is that what he wants??

You also said you had done a lot of reading up on the subject he seems you want to 'fix' things, but really he needs to be the one to do that not you now.

It can be done but it is very very hard and takes real commitment from both of you - and even then it may not be possible.

andnowwhat · 09/09/2009 18:37

She is NOT your friend

He is not worthy of you, He has betrayed you in the worst possible way.

Pack his bags and throw him out now, Tell the OW husband he deserves to know what type of person he married to.

This man has made of fool of you. Don't allow this to happen again-he cannot EVER be trusted and you deserve so much better.

expatinscotland · 09/09/2009 18:40

tell her husband. he needs to get a DNA test done.

kick him out.

Portofino · 09/09/2009 18:47

Counselling and "fixing" things! So has she dumped him or something? Or is this just because you have found him out?

If he had had his head turned briefly and behaved in a foolish manner, say as abedelia mentions above in the case of her dh (sorry), then counselling and efforts might be appropriate. And I'm sure it would be bloody hard even so.

To have systematically lied and cheated for 4 years, knowingly impregnated another woman and basically treated you with absolutely NO respect - to me there is nothing that could fix that. Absolutely nothing.

So you want to invest in counselling to make you feel better about HIS behaviour!!!! I would throttle him, i honestly would!

Original poster

jbear · 09/09/2009 20:06

he is a good dad to our baby. He cheated on his frst wife and got the mistress then pregnant that child is 15 now he has never seen her. He cries a lot and says he is sorry and that he knows he has destroyed us. I know this is just what he will do he is desperate and as he said to her if I find out he will loose every thing. We went to relate but i was pregnant and i think was blocking it out. I was 16 weeks pregnant when i ffound out baby is 3 months now and adores his dad. He says it stopped the time he got me pregnant but im not sure. He did not seem pleased when i told him about the baby.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 09/09/2009 20:09

bin bin bin

and don't look back at either of the cheating bastards

HolyGuacamole · 09/09/2009 20:12

Oh wow. 4 years. There is no way on this earth I could ever live with that.

Andnowwhat said the OW is not your friend and that is the truest thing about this whole situation. How could she come into your home and look you in the eye, never mind him.

Can't believe you have lived with this for so long. Do you have friends/family who know about it who can support you? What are they saying about it?

The people who know you best will have your best interests at heart and you should listen to them (not your DH and not your so called friend).

Portofino · 09/09/2009 20:20

God jbear, so he has HISTORY of doing this already! Everything you say makes me think run for the bloody hills! Sorry, you have a tiny baby with this guy. It must be SO hard for you! But honestly, he is NOT worth it! I'm sure he was sorry before, but nothing changed.

Original poster

jbear · 09/09/2009 20:23

two friends know but i cant tell my family in case i stay with him. they will never forgive him and it will make life horrible for my baby. he is sorry all the time and says it is just sex and no feelings . His mother left him when he was little and has more men than you could count . This seems to be learnt behaviour but what can i do.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 09/09/2009 20:28

wel, for a start you could break the cycle

in him, so your child does not "learn this behaviour"

this is going to sound ever so harsh, but if you stay with this man you are a mug and asking for more of the same

is this how you want to live ?

AnyFucker · 09/09/2009 20:30

your baby is only 3 months

even more reason to get the hell away from this bastard

your baby will "adore" anyone who talks and smiles at him/her

go,go,go before it is too late

BitOfFun · 09/09/2009 20:34

GGGGOOOOOOOOOOO!!

How can a baby of three months "adore" his father? This sounds like denial to me. Sorry to sound harsh, but it is meant kindly- how on earth are you going to be left with any self-respect if you stay with this cheating scumbag?

Portofino · 09/09/2009 20:38

But 4 years though! And it wasn't the first time he did it. And he impreganated the last OW! Does he see his child, the 15 year old? Does he provide for him/her? What does he say about the other "children" he fathered, never mind the fact that they ended in MC. Or not.

HolyGuacamole · 09/09/2009 20:38

I'm sorry but his behaviour is not learnt.

My father had many affairs behind my mothers back, some we knew about, some we didn't. I grew up being ultra-ultra-ultra-against affairs because of this. Honestly, it was/is something I feel very strongly about. I don't think his affair can be excused at all.

Am so sorry you are in this situation.

You know your family would hate him for this and he probably knows that too.

Original poster

jbear · 09/09/2009 20:45

he has said he will go to councilling to find out why he says he loves me and is heart broken. we were the couple every one thought would never break. do you think he loved her?he says not. i have trouble having sex as it is really painful so in some respects i cannot blame him,i want to try and make my marriage work but i have this voice telling me to go. I am so confused. i always thought i would not tolerate this and yet here i am trying to move on with him.
i had to leave a message on her ans. phone as she would not leave him alone.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 09/09/2009 20:52

he is heartbroken

boo-fucking-hoo

does your heart not matter ? Does your self-respect mean so little to you ?

Oh, I'm sure he is crying and he is sorry

Until the next time

Some blokes just cannot keep their dick in their pants. He is one of them.

His behaviour makes a very good argument for chemical castration.

Eww, he makes me feel sick.

By the way, have you been tested for std's ?

Portofino · 09/09/2009 20:56

So what does he say about his other childrn?

Original poster

jbear · 09/09/2009 20:57

i was tested when i was pregnant.The thing i am struggling with is that we get on so well, he treats me good is thoughtful and considerate in nearly every respct he is the perfect husband apart from this. am i just going to leave him toend up with another man that cheats?

OP posts:

andnowwhat · 09/09/2009 21:00

His haert is broken--well that is the funniest thing l have read on here for a long time. He is sorry for himself that's all. He got found out.

This went on for 4 years. His track record is that of a cheat with previos wife OW and now another OW. NO NO NO NO this is not going to stop.

Do l think he loved her. People like that really are very selfish and are capable of only loving themselves. I doubt he even loves you-sorry. You and your DD are a convenience for now until the next OW comes along.Once he has you safely back on side it will happen all over again.

To be honest l would not have touched him with a barge pole when l found that out he had this record. More fool you.

If not for youeself you have to leave for your DD's sake and leave this twunt of a man once and for all.

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