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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

an affair

75 replies

jbear · 09/09/2009 17:41

I found out at xmas that my husband had been having an affair with my friend. We went on holiday with them and her family spent the whole time making fun of me.We were only married a few months. The affair went on for 4 years . He says he tried to finish it but she threatened to tell me. He encouraged our frienship and would get cross if i said i did not want to meet up with her. She would text me all the time and would just show up at my house. He denies sleeping with her in our house but she was far to familiar in my house. He got her pregnant twice but she miscarried. however my baby is the image of her daughter. her husband knows that something went on but not what i know. it has taken until now to get this info. he said he did not love her but the were together for so long.he was distant an thekissing stopped what should i do

OP posts:

Original poster

jbear · 10/09/2009 12:57

the pregnancies are what she told me [about 2 weeks berore my due date he had no idea.
she kept calling him until i confronted her.
if i leave him i will have to work full time if i stay i can stay home with baby more.
i told her before the affair started that i was worried he may have an affair because i couldnt have sex. She sent him a text after the holiday. he says it only happened every couple of months and that it was only sex..
i have made no plans yet .
we get along and have such a laugh but maybe that is the problem. Does anyone think councillig may help him? i sound so niave and stupid. im so scared and i do love him . i dont want my baby to come from a broken home and am catholic so divorce is a tough one for me.

OP posts:

Original poster

jbear · 10/09/2009 12:59

when i say she was my friend she was his friends wife so i had to be friends with her.
is there any chance he will change?

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 10/09/2009 13:57

If religion is what persuades women to stay with abusive fuckwits like this (the emotional chaos he has created amounts to abuse imo) then I'm all the prouder to be an atheist.

Will he change? Of course he won't.

Will you change, and actually stand up for you and your baby? Only you know the answer.

Last time I looked the Catholic church wasn't too keen on sex outside marriage, lying to your spouse and pretending children weren't yours.

But if you just want to cherry pick the bit that says 'but I love him' in true Eastenders stylee then you must accept that you and your wee baby will pay the price for the rest of your lives.

Rossco · 10/09/2009 14:37

jbear I don't think he will change, after all he did the same thing to his ex didn't he?

It doesn't matter how often they had sex, what matters is that it happened and that it continued to happen for over 4 years.

As others have said if it had been a short affair, a one of, then maybe you would have stood a chance but I can't see how you can get past this.

I understand about your religion but isn't it a sin to covet another mans wife? Isn't it a sin to commit adultery?

Please get some councelling - by yourself. I personally couldn't live in your situation, the doubt, the fear, the anger would eat me up.

I also think you have to tell the OW's husband what has been going on.

thedollshouse · 10/09/2009 14:43

Unless you want to waste the rest of your life I suggest you get out now.

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 10/09/2009 14:49

Why should he change when women all around him just sleep with him when he wants and there is no consequence.

Stay with him and accept nothing will change.

Or leave and give your child a chance.

Lemonylemon · 10/09/2009 15:27

Really, at the end of the day, so what if you have to work full-time? Lots of mums who leave their bad marriages/relationships have to. They then make a concerted effort for their DC to be affected as little as they possibly can. Stop being such a doormat and show him the door. Salvage what little self-respect you seem to have and tell him, actually, no, SHOW him that his behaviour is unacceptable and you're not going to tolerate it.

Btw, I don't think that the Catholic Church is quite so damning of people who leave bad marriages as you're making an excuse for.

Rindercella · 10/09/2009 15:46

Counselling may help him address his personality disorder, but I do not think that his having counselling will help you at all, or your relationship with him. This is not a man who will switch to being faitful to you over night. He has something inbuilt which tells him that his behaviour is acceptable. It is not.

I promise you, your DD will benefit far more by you leaving your abusive relationship and going out to work than by you staying and being at home more. Your DD should see her mother to have confidence and self respect and to be happy. I personally cannot see how you can be any of those things if you stay with your cockwipe H.

RumourOfAHurricane · 10/09/2009 15:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

countingto10 · 10/09/2009 15:55

You teach people how to treat you and you are teaching your "DH" that his behaviour is ok with you - he has no consequences.

My DH had a two month affair, when I found out I packed his bags (or bin bags) for him. It didn't bother me that I had 4 DC, he was not going to treat me like that. He has since done everything in his power to atone for his behaviour (there were an awful lot of mitigating circumstances but even he says he is fully responsible for his dispicable behaviour). We have been to Relate etc.

But I honestly think I could never forgive what your H has done - there really were 3 of you in the marriage. Tell her DH and let her and your DH face the consequences - I'm sure her DH won't be so forgiving. Both of them have behaved appallingly.

Is this really all you think you deserve from a marriage ?

RumourOfAHurricane · 10/09/2009 15:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mmrsceptic · 10/09/2009 16:05

You are being really weak, has he turned you into this?

Tell your family. That is the most important thing you can do. They know you, they love you, they will support you. Tell your family. They will give you a safe place to talk over all the possibilities. They will understand your reasons for dithering and probably be able to blow them away because they love you and want the best for you.

Tell your family. You are almost too weak to think straight and to know what's best. They will have your best interests at heart.

This man doesn't. He's a failure and an incorrigible liar.

HappyWoman · 10/09/2009 16:10

I still think he can change - if that is what he really really wants.

How will you know - if you stay - i dont think you ever will know. You will always have doubts about why he stayed - he will need to prove to you - the world that you are the most important woman on this earth.

I am one of those women who has worked through my h affair - but to do that he had to leave. I had to know i could cope alone and actually did not ever want him back unless he had changed.
How do i know he has changed? Because he respected my right to re-build my own life, without him.
Looking back he would not have wanted to stay with me if I was the woman who did not demand his respect, iyswim.

Please please - get some legal advice and make him respect you and your decision.

But do take care of yourself and let yourself grieve too.

groundhogs · 13/09/2009 10:28

First of all, I hope you have severed all ties with that woman. I mean RUPTURED here!

Second, you HAVE to tell her DH, especially if there is a chance the child may not be his.

If he IS a good dad, good DH etc, and genuinely repentant, then try and give it a go, but all contact with that witch has to stop.

If there is so much as a missed call, then that's it. He changes his email, his mobile and if possible, i think you ought to move house.

Do everything to eradicate her from everything. You have not lost a friend, she was a parasite feeding her own greeds on the host of your marriage. If you get through all this, no need to tell your parents/family etc. It's not their business, but it will be harder on you going through this on your own... but you always have MN!!

History indicates future behaviour, so he needs to be absolutley sure that you will be alert to him and that if he values your family, then he toes the line, if not, hit the road!

groundhogs · 13/09/2009 10:31

sorry.. TOWS the line - not a foot fetishist..

clam · 13/09/2009 10:43

Actually, sorry to hijack, but it is "toe" the line.

groundhogs · 16/09/2009 00:32

ooh, yes, all coming back, absolutley right... Mummy brain and 3 years of captivity in foreign hell hole...

Dominique07 · 16/09/2009 00:49

Don't you have a brother or a sister who you could start to open up to?

HappyWoman · 16/09/2009 09:01

sorry groundhog but i think all this talk of her having to move is wrong - she has done nothing wrong and should not have to 'pay' for it. He should move heaven and earth to be in the marriage and not 'allow' her in - if that is solid then the ow will get the message and any attempts she makes to destroy that will eventurally back-fire.

I also think she should tell family - if in the future she needs their support it will be easier for her - real support is if family help and never make her feel inferior for having him back in the first place. The more people that know the more people he will let down if it ever happens again ime.

wannabehappy · 16/09/2009 11:10

Look - you have a three month old baby, hormones raging and lack of sleep. No wonder you can't make a huge decision...and maybe you shouldn't right now.

I think you should tell your family

Ask him to move out for a while (maybe initially just a month)

Surround yourself with people who will help you and make you tea

Just relax - dont make any big decsion, look after yourself for a while so you can look after your baby.

Tell your GP or HV what is happening and I am sure they will arrange some counselling and support for you.

NONE OF THIS IS A BIG DECISION - it is just clearing your head and looking after you so you can THEN decide.

Consider yourself hugged x

groundhogs · 18/09/2009 16:03

Oh,no I only said if possible move, just to get some distance from them, not at all to 'pay' for it in any way shape or form..

I was wrong to suggest that, I agree with everything you say..

StrictlyBoogying · 19/09/2009 23:11

I feel really sorry for you and your DC but you must stop making excuses for DH. It's unacceptable to behave this way.
I think you have very low self esteem to consider allowing him to treat you this way. You don't want to tell your family because you know what they'll think because deep down you know he's a selfish twat.
Could you really be happy and secure in your relationship every time he leaves the house?
Leave him. Tell the OW's husband.
Try to be strong.
You deserve better.

MrsGokWantstogocampingagain · 20/09/2009 01:15

You said earlier that your inability to have sex was a contributing factor, it wasn't. A man who loves and respects you would never use that as an excuse. I went completly off sex for 9 months and then spent nearly a year having very intimitant sex with DH. Did he turn round and say 'MrsGok isn't giving out, it's not fair, I have my needs, I'm going shag the nearest woman I can'. No, he didn't because he loved and respected me. That is what being in a relationship is all about.

SolidGoldBrass · 20/09/2009 01:40

What has made you feel that you are worth so little? This man doesn't 'love' you at all. it sounds like he picked you for a vulnerable person who would put up with anything as long as he didn't actually leave. So he gets his domestic servicing and his 'Look, I am a respectable married father' status and basically does what he wants.
The decision you have to make is this: can you accept that this man will never be monogamous with you? If you really feel that you can live that way (and while many people are fine living that way, you do sound so helpless that I don't think it will do you any good) then you need to lay down some ground rules, about what you are entitled to.

mathanxiety · 20/09/2009 06:53

Divorced catholic here who was completely humiliated by my adulterous (catholic) exH, just as you have been by yours. It took me much soul searching, but in the end I decided I was just not so special that I was going to be the one to stop behaviour that exH saw as his right and entitlement.

I second Wannabehappy's advice. Get counseling for your self esteem don't go there asking for marital help, but help with your own tendency to let yourself be walked on. This is not meant as a judgement of you there are lots of smart, nice women who get used by very determined men, through an overabundance of goodwill and a malignant belief in the goodness and sincerity of others.

And tell that OW's H about his wife and your H. He deserves to know what might be the truth about the child he is raising. Your H deserves to foot the bills if the child is his.

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