an affair

[jbear]

I found out at xmas that my husband had been having an affair with my friend. We went on holiday with them and her family spent the whole time making fun of me.We were only married a few months. The affair went on for 4 years . He says he tried to finish it but she threatened to tell me. He encouraged our frienship and would get cross if i said i did not want to meet up with her. She would text me all the time and would just show up at my house. He denies sleeping with her in our house but she was far to familiar in my house. He got her pregnant twice but she miscarried. however my baby is the image of her daughter. her husband knows that something went on but not what i know. it has taken until now to get this info. he said he did not love her but the were together for so long.he was distant an thekissing stopped what should i do

jbear, not all men cheat. In fact, the vast majority don't. This specimen, is, unfortunately, pond life. He is not 'thoughtful and considerate', he is walking all over you and you deserve better. Your child deserves better. Read back your last post. If your friend or sister had written it, what would you be saying to her?

Perfect husband!

He is not the perfect husband! He is SO far from being the perfect husband that I could scream!

He has shown absolutely NO repect for you, or for his last wife for that matter. He does what he wants and has no care for the consequences!

I wouldnt claim that my DH is the perfect husband, but he would never DREAM of behaving like yours. He knows where his bread is buttered, his family is important to him. He too was married before, but took responsibility for his child.

I feel so sad for you. You need to tell your family what he has done and enlist their help to move on. Honestly!

unless you had a full std screen when you were pregnant, that you have to specifically ask for, then no, you were not tested when you think you were

you would only end up with another man that cheats if you didn't learn the lessons from this doomed relationship

perfect husband ? no way

So when is the divorce then?

my close friends say i should stay. they dont think that he will do it again. am so confused i do still love him but why he says he stillloves me. i dont need to be with him i earn good money and can look after the baby myself . divorce goes against every thing i believe in if he has counciling alone and as a couple will this hepl?

jb, I am leaving this thread

you are seriously deluded and not thinking straight

did you want everyone to tell you that you should let him persist in making a complete mug out of you ?

btw, he isn't boffing any of these "close friends" who are advising you to stay with him, is he ?

deja fucking vu

I don't think counseling will help. It only works if you are 100% honest. I don't think he can be - with you, with the counsellor and especially with himself. He sounds like a complusive liar to me.

I have a horrible feeling you are going to stay with him regardless in which case, I fear you need to prepare yourself for a life of pain and anguish. Sorry.

NO! Counselling won't help! It might help you deal with what he has done, but it won't stop him being an utter bastard! You still never answered my question about his other child/children? Do you have NO self respect? He WILL do it again, I can practically assure you of it. And it will be your fault. That is what he will say.

Anyfucker is right. You are deluded if you believe him. This is my last go before I sign off. Please, please, please tell him to FUCK OFF in the strongest possible terms. Please do this! Someone else earlier said that this thread was the saddest thing they'd read on MN! THAT is saying something.

I wish you well whatever you do.

These friends who are telling you to stay are really as much your friend as the OW.

I too think you will stay and shame on you for your DD. She deserves so much better than a serial shagger as a father and a seriously deluded mother. What chance had that poor child of growing up with the pair of you as parents.

How mant 1/2 siblings will she meet as she grows up.
I too am leaving this thread as l fear you already have decided to stay and just want other peoples blessing to do so.

Good luck--you will need it

Couldn't leave also without commenting. Cheating once can be a mistake. Doing the same thing over and over is a manifestation of a person's personality. ie. That's what he's like. Period.

This man wanted the OW as your friend so he could keep her close FFS. FOR FOUR YEARS. Four years of talknig about you behind your back and making a mug of you. A few tears don't fix that.

Your child is a baby and has not really bonded with him yet. Do you want them to be seeing you crying every few years until they are 18 because he is at it again? He is such a great dad... that he has abandoned one child, is possibly the secret father of another and was prepared to risk having more then passing them off as another bloke's offspring, just because it suited him to be able to get his leg over. Ugh, for the sake of all other women in the vicinity I hope his penis drops off.

Your H cheated on you with your 'friend' for 4 years and you are still married to him? Any man who has the capacity to cheat and lie to you for 4 years is never, ever going to change.

You say, "he treats me good is thoughtful and considerate in nearly every respct he is the perfect husband apart from this". He does most certainly not treat you well. He is inconsiderate. He is thoughtless. He is as far removed from a perfect husband that I can think of.

I have a feeling that you are going to stay with him, and this effectively will give him carte blanc to continue to treat you like a piece of crap. I am very sorry for you - that is no life to live. But more, I am incredibly sad for your DC.

Just scrolled through the thread again, and I see that he has NEVER seen his 15 yo. Presumably he has never contributed either. Your child deserves so much better than this. Whatever you think about yourself, please do not inflict this utter waster on your poor baby! Good luck!

JBear, you sound confused and completely defeated. I think you will stay with this man because you don't seem to comprehend the awfulness of this betrayal.

He had an affair with her that lasted 4 years, a massive percentage of the time of your own relationship with him
To give himself easy access to her, he forced you to become her friend and became angry with you when you made difficulties in his access to fucking her.
He allowed her and her family to make fun of you on a holiday that I bet he made you go on.
He has possibly provided YOUR child with a sibling with another woman while still in a relationship with you.
He denies it but you know that he has had sex with this awful woman in YOUR home probably many, many times, the home where you live with your child.
While he was being "good and respectful" towards you he was actually sticking his dick into your mate and getting her pregnant for 4 and a half years.

There is no possible way back from this, can't you see that . I feel gutted for you and your child. Stop listening to your mates and sort out this situation, get some strength from somewhere I beg you because this is not a decent life you or your dc will be living if you stay with this disgusting man.

I'll never understand anyone who stays with a person who cheats, especially when they know he's/she's cheated on them over and over again.

I just think, 'You, doormat. He/she, twat.'

So, like AnyFucker, I'm out.

Sunfleurs has summed up the situation very well indeed [sad[

I think perhaps you should tell your family JBear. It will make it more real. I would questions your friends' judgment on this - how can they be telling you to stay with this man when they know how very badly he has betrayed you?

Keep posting on here - there are lots of lovely MNers who will give you loads of help and support...but first of all you need to help yourself and take that first step and acknowledge that this is no life for you.

JBear - I can see you are confused.

Sunfleurs has indeed summed things up very clearly.

For me the most worrying thing is the fact he engineered your friendship with OW - your 'friend". That goes way, way beyond common or garden "cheating".

It says: He plans. He is thoughtful and puts a lot of work into all this. He controls you enough to organise your friendships. He is convincing and puts enough effort into pleasing others to get you and a whole other bunch of women to collude in this.

That, to me, hints at serious, serious personality disorder stuff.

So what if your friends think you should stay? Which friends have you spoken to - the ones you think won't be too "judgmental"? The ones who he hasn't and you haven't shed over the years of you and dh being together? Hmmmm.

I'm posting because I truly think your head is a bit messed up by the experience of living with someone who sounds deeply, deeply worrying. And I think you may need quite a lot of intervention to shake you awake.

Here's a situation:

Roll forward 16 years. you have a daughter, raised in your family with this man. He's used you, over the years, as a"lure" and a "cover" to attract and hide other sexual encounters.

Will he use her as a lure and try to start having affairs with her friends?

Maybe that's far-fetched but ... not at all implausible.

This is not OK. I cannot believe Relate can sort this out.

So he has a track record of adultery, a track record of deceit and lies, and a track record of walking away from his own child. So for four years he was shagging someone else and not only did he have such little respect and regard for you to do that in the first place, he even tried to force you to be friends with this woman. That's not the actions of just some sad, seedy and pathetic bloke who can't keep his dick in his pants. That's the kind of thing someone with a narcissistic or sociopathic personality disorder would do.

And it's only now, after he's been found out, that suddenly he's apparently so full of remorse. Well, some remorse, anyway, although I note he's trying to pin a lot of the blame on her as "she threatened to tell you". Oh how noble of him to carry on shagging her solely to prevent you being hurt by her telling you

He lied for so long and so convincingly about his affair. How can you possibly believe a single word that comes out of his mouth now? Do you not deserve to have someone treat you better than this? After all, they'd have to try really hard to treat you any worse.

I'm sorry your husband is such an untrustworthy, lying, emotionally damaged arse-wipe of a man. And I'm sorry that your relationship with him is so fundamentally broken. It's not your fault and you're having to deal with the consequences. That downright sucks. But if you stick with him through this, what you will be teaching him is that he can lie to your face, shag around as much as he likes, and then do the "boo-hoo, I'm so upset" act and get away with it.

Tell your friends. Tell this other woman's husband. Tell your family. The only person who benefits from you keeping this quiet is your unfaithful, unworthy husband. And, frankly, he doesn't deserve to have you covering for his sordid lies.

(Oh, and after you do finally kick this disordered twunt to the kerb, I'd recommend you get some counselling to help you make sure you don't pick another dud next time)

I completely second the counselling - for you - to make sure you don't get a second one like this.

He is very weak to say that he had to continue because she blackmailed him! And did he sit by and watch them make fun of you?

I think you have to search deep in your conscience to work out what you want to do.

Best wishes

4 years?!
With your friend?!
DD of 15 he has never met?!
3 month old adores his daddy?!

Are you for real?!

Run as fast as you fucking can love, or fast forward 30-40 years when you're retired and he'll be shagging all the women at the bowling club while you're sitting at home miserable at the though of what you could have done with your life.

For a start - friends support each other in their marriage - so get rid of her now and dont ever phone her again. Let him deal with her if he wants to - if he has even the slightest intention of making it work with you he will not allow her into his or your life again - even if that means getting police involved to keep her away - but that is his problem not yours to solve.

Everyone who gets married takes it seriously if they want it to work - of course divorce goes against everything you believe but surely what he has done goes even more against it. He has broken the marriage - even trying to rebuild any relationship means you both have to accept that. Divorce is no more than the final seal that your marriage is over. Do not ever be scared of it - be more scared of staying legally bond to someone who can tell you all these lies. Think what is in it for him to stay married - you say you earn well could he benifit from that??

Sorry to say but the only way i can ever see you moving on from this is to kick him out and then set some new rules about how you want any future relationship with him to be.

Think of him as an addict - he is not going to stop until HE wants to and by 'helping' in anyway you are allowing him to continue with this.
Step away and let him find his own help. People can change but only if they want to. If he is truly heartbroken a little time apart can only do good for you both.

Listen to your gut if it telling you leave then do that - you will only hate yourself more later if you dont. And whats so bad about leaving for a while anyway?

Take care of yourself now - you are worth so much more

JBear Do you honestly think that he has any respect for you? He cheated for FOUR YEARS!! He got her pg, not once but twice.

I realise you are confused, hurt and probably very low but you and your DD deserve so much more. You say you can afford to leave so why don't you?

Call it a 'trial seperation' if it makes you feel better but for Gods sake get out of that marriage.

Think forward 6 months, 12 months, 2 years and so on. Will you trust him? Will you know where he is and who he is with and not doubt him? What if he suddenly presents you with another woman to be your 'friend'?

If you leave now your DD will know nothing about it whereas if (or rather when) he does it again and she is old enough to understand what is being said or to hear rumours at school then there will be an impact upon her.

The 'friends' that think you should stay must live in another dimension. Why do they think you should stay? Don't they mind you being betrayed over and over? Do they enjoy seeing your pain and want to laugh about it behind your back?

Only YOU can decide what to do next. But please think of the future, of another 20, 30 or 40 years of living like this. Its time to be selfish, to think only of you and DD and what is best for the two of you.

I am so sorry to hear this.

But here goes.

1. Leave him. He is a horrible person.

1. Is the OW a cretin? She must be for falling pregnant twice.

1. Tell her husband. This will help with the DNA test.

1. Talk to real friends and family - they ca n be a real help and support.

Can I just stick my oar in here to remind you that several of the women posting in this thread have taken their husbands back after an affair. They normally support posters who are going through this, applauding their strength, suggesting ways to make it work, explaining that it is hard but can be worth while. But not one of them agrees that you should stay with your H. Doesn't that say something? They are not happy divorcees like me. They have been through the affair and out the other side, have kept their husbands and rebuilt their lives. If people like this are urging you to leave, there is a very good reason.

Oh, and as a mother of four, I can assure you that, as others have said, a three month old is not particularly bothered about who her daddy is. She recognises people but she really wouldn't miss anyone much at that age (except perhaps you). Take your time thinking about this, but preferably not so much time that she really does start to love and miss her father. At the moment you're just projecting your own feelings onto her.

And for heaven's sake get that counselling!

GET RID NOW! Sorry to sound so harsh, but really, no matter how much it hurts now, you will have so much more respect for yourself in the long-term than if you try and patch things up. My take is that all relationships are based on respect, and if he respected you, there's no way he would have carried on for four years. where is this man's shame? Seriously dude, get out before he hurts you again - and he will. He may love you in his own way, but his own way isn't good enough and there's plenty of decent blokes out there who do know how to conduct themselves. I am talking as someone who has given her husband several chances, once when he had an 'emotional' affair 5 years ago, then just recently when he confessed to having 'feelings' for someone at work and moved out leaving me with a 4 and 18mth old. Since that time he has come and gone, saying he's made a mistake, does love me dedahdedah, but I just found out he has been seeing the woman from work along. These men are dogs - it's just a shame we can't have them put down. However hard this is for you, and me too btw, cling to the thought they will ultimately be the losers as they will not be a proper father to their children and will have to carry the guilt of their actions to their hopefully early graves. Meanwhile, indulge in the love of your family and friends and try a be that sassy, independent woman you always longed to be. Good luck. Bin him. God I feel better for posting this...