husband refusing sex as apparantly i am "too fat"

[yummytummy]

am so furious dont know where to begin. had noticed recently dh not initiating sex that much and i posted an earlier thread that he didnt want to kiss as i had bad breath. finally talked to him about it wish i hadnt. he said he finds it hard to get excited as i eat too much and he doesnt find me physically attractive. am so angry as obviously shape has changed after having ds but am back to pretty much original size 12/14 but with bit of a tummy. dont think i look that bad and felt ok in clothes until now. am so devastated as was worried about this before having kids but he used to say it wont matter as that body will have given me a child. what a load of bollocks. cant believe he is being so shallow. also i'm a man men are visual blah blah. aaahhh am so upset dont know how to handle it. if thats what he thinks then forget it dont be with me then. dont know what to do. feel so crushed.

hi. yes have access to savings. have spoken to relate for advice. also due to see someone from wa. even thoguh i guess he is being a bit controlling by calming down i dont like always being worried of when next outburst will come. just need time to think of what i waant to do. please keep posting it helps me see its not normal behaviour

Leaving controlling and abusive relationships is hard to do, some parallels to leaving a cult or breaking an unhealthy addiction, I read recently that it can take a while and sometimes several attempts. You can't make the relationship right by wanting it hard enough. If your family are anti divorce whatever the reasonthen they are reinforcing the message that the normal thing to do is to stick with it - but you need to be in a healthy relationship. Marriage is not a licence to mistreat your partner with the blessing of your relatives.

You are very right when you say that you need to keep hearing that this is not normal behaviour within a marriage. Keep talking to WA as well as posting. What are your main concerns about leaving? Post them here, maybe it will be useful. How are you feeling about the steps you have made to take back control of your life?

Hi yummy, how are you doing? When do you meet the WA person?

Hello Yummy, how was your day?

hi. thanks for asking about me. was due to arrange a meeting with the wa person but it was a man and i said i felt uncomfortable and would prefer a woman so they are just trying to get someone assigned to me to arrange a meeting. they were meant to call back today but havent.

its all a bit slow and as things settle down i am more inclined to leave it. i do really want to try and work things out within the relationship but i can see the cycle is just how it happens and everything is ok till the next time. its hard as he does seem quite sorry and is prepared to work on the relationship. i still dont think he wants to admit that he has been wrong though.
anyway so am just waiting and trying to decide. am going to my mums for a few days with ds so will have some space to think. wont tell them whats been happeneing though i need to think it through on my own.

thankyou again for all your lovely support and kind words it all helps so much x

Hi yummy, glad you're going to your mum's for a few days. Any chance you might get the Lundy Bancroft book through Amazon and read it while you're there? It might help you in your thinking process.

Reading up is a good idea, and ithink you should start keeping a daily diary of what happens and your feelings. It might be that you need to stick with it slightly longer before you feel certain that there is an unHealthy pattern here. It can be hArd to acknowledge that you are in a situation you never thought could happen to you, only to others.
I would recommend you continue to work out the details of how you can leave and go it alone. This way you can be sure that if you stay it isn't bcause you are too scared to leave.