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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

husband refusing sex as apparantly i am "too fat"

132 replies

yummytummy · 09/09/2009 10:52

am so furious dont know where to begin. had noticed recently dh not initiating sex that much and i posted an earlier thread that he didnt want to kiss as i had bad breath. finally talked to him about it wish i hadnt. he said he finds it hard to get excited as i eat too much and he doesnt find me physically attractive. am so angry as obviously shape has changed after having ds but am back to pretty much original size 12/14 but with bit of a tummy. dont think i look that bad and felt ok in clothes until now. am so devastated as was worried about this before having kids but he used to say it wont matter as that body will have given me a child. what a load of bollocks. cant believe he is being so shallow. also i'm a man men are visual blah blah. aaahhh am so upset dont know how to handle it. if thats what he thinks then forget it dont be with me then. dont know what to do. feel so crushed.

OP posts:

Roopoo · 09/09/2009 15:15

Hiya Yummytummy
I never normally post as I don't feel I can often offer any advice but your post has really touched me..

You deserve so much better. You really do. A size 12/14 is not fat.. In no way could it ever be fat.

I have issues about my weight and figure and my DH is so lovely and complimentary and if I ever try and put my weight down he tells me I am his ideal woman and that my body gave him his DD and he adores me. What Im trying to say is that you deserve someone who adores you and loves you just for being you.. You don't deserve to be treated like dirt by someone who sounds like a bit of a nob..

I just want you to know that I think you deserve someone who cherishes you and thinks you are amazing....

NicknameTaken · 09/09/2009 15:20

You said "he wasnt always like this has just been bad since having ds."

Having a child is a classic time for abuse to begin.

LoveBeingAMummy · 09/09/2009 15:22

Why do you say he wouldn't care if you left?

Has all of this started since you've been back at work?

There must be somethig that has triggered it, he is feeling threatened for some reason.

How do feel about your son growing up to see this is how you treat women?

Original poster

yummytummy · 09/09/2009 15:29

def dont want ds to pick up on it. i know it isnt right to put down someone you are meant to care about. dont know whats triggered it. obviously having a child puts strain on a relationship i think he just gets stressed out by it all. also does long hours works stress etc i know its no excuse really. dont know if its possible to improve things without leaving. dont want to as yet. do still have a lot of feelings even though he is crap alot of the time has many good points. dont know why i am defending him.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 09/09/2009 15:33

stress = take it out on the wife ?

what century is he living in ?

no, I don't know why you are defending him either

it would be better if you defended yourself and your child from him

fruitstick · 09/09/2009 16:38

I have a husband who is lovely but not perfect. When he's under pressure he can shout and be condescending etc.

DS1 is now 3 and I have become acutely aware (as has DH) of what he picks up on and what he thinks is acceptable. I hear DS talking to me in the same tone and have tried to calmly explain to DH that he has to lead by example.

That and DS telling my sister that 'men aren't kind to ladies' seems to be getting through.

And this is a man who is an all round good egg but throws the odd tantrum.

but DS also sees us being affectionate and telling each other we love them etc.

Think about how you want your son to see you. Whether you stay or leave that has he has to see someone who deserves and is treated with respect.

EleanoraBuntingCupcake · 09/09/2009 17:17

join an evening class, join a gym with a creche doing something by yourself will build your confidence.

whataboutthisone · 09/09/2009 17:27

My DH is also a man ( well, he was last time I looked ) and therefore 'visual'. I am fat. But he still loves me and wants to have sex with me. He would probably like me to be (a bit) thinner, but actually not too much as he far prefers curves and cuddly bits to skin and bone. I realise that men will all have their own 'ideal' woman, but let's face it, how many of us are actually that? Love is about more than wjat you look like. It is about what is inside, your 'self' if you like. And if that is attractive, it makes the physical attributes less important.

Even if you are not as physically attractive to your H as before, he could still have told you in a better way. But actually, I am now wondering whether he is getting his jollies elsewhere and this is just a convenient excuse? Because tbh, if he has been violent towards you (sorry, haven't read your other threads), then he certainly has no respect for you or the sanctity of your marriage.

I would certainly be digging deeper and seriously considering whether I wanted to be with a man who could hurt me both emotionally and physically. Actually, no, I take that back, I know I could not be in a relationship as destructive as this. Sorry.

lilandbill2009 · 09/09/2009 17:45

poor you ............ seems to be more to this. !!!!!!! 12/14 is not fat if i was you i would pack his bags and tell him to get the fuck out of the house i read your earlier thread and i thought the bit about your breath smelling was a bit odd this is abuse and you dont have to live with it. do the right thing and chuck him you deserve better xxxx

AnyFucker · 09/09/2009 19:35

It really does sound to me like he has had his affections taken elsewhere, and he is picking fault with you in any way he can to justify unfaithfulness

If he hasn't dipped his wick elsewhere yet, he is getting close to it

ReddyMealsAreNotWorthIt · 09/09/2009 19:39

And you love him, why?

AnyFucker · 09/09/2009 19:41

she can't help loving him, but it does appear he is talking himself out of loving her

let him go yummytummy, it appears that is what he wants

just don't let your self-esteem and peace of mind be the ransom he takes with him....

EleanoraBuntingCupcake · 09/09/2009 19:42

yes, i don't understand why these twats have to destroy women, why not just leave.

Original poster

yummytummy · 09/09/2009 19:43

dont know why. but the love is obviously less after all this as it isnt being reciprocated. feel like showing him this thread dont know what reaction i would get. its tearing me apaart have no idea what to do. just want him to hug me and say it will be ok which i know will never happen. in a way he has made me think i am essentially unloveable and i dont think i could get anyone else.stupid thing is i only want him

OP posts:

EleanoraBuntingCupcake · 09/09/2009 19:45

youa re not unlovable but tbh 'getting' someone else isn't the be all and end all. you need to get yourself a life and enjoy yourself.

Podrick · 09/09/2009 19:45

TBH you can't build your seld esteem whilst you are with this charming man as even if you diet to posh spice size he will find another way to undermine your confidence.

You need to be brave and take back control, a life with this man is not going to be a happy one.

Podrick · 09/09/2009 19:49

"stupid thing is i only want him"
yes, but it this any different to how heroin addicts crave more heroin? It isn't love that you feel for him, and it isn't love that he feels for you either.

Leave him and you will stop feeling unloveable. Stay with him and ... well you know what the future is already.

Look inside yourself, what is it that makes you accept being treated like this - were you poorly treated as a child?

Podrick · 09/09/2009 19:50

Sorry to sound so harsh but I think you need to leave and I know you perhaps might not feel ready for this move yet.

MrsEricBanaMT · 09/09/2009 20:47

Oh here we do. The bloke might just be telling the truth. He doesn't fancy her at the moment. That's not to say he never will. This is natural in the course of a lifetime's relationship. You have your ups and downs. It's not abuse. It's just life.

He's being insensitive. Tell him you are hurt and just want to be able to see something positive to work on. Work it out as a couple. Communicate

TitsalinaBumsquash · 09/09/2009 21:09

I think that was the understatment of the year MrsEricBanaMT, its not like he is a loving partner who has confessed that he isnt finding the op attractive anymore, he is being nasy, hurtfull and he had physically abused her.....

Yummy, you are not fat, i am the same size as you and i am not fat so neither are you. You may feel something for him, it may or may not be love but some of it is certainly familiarity (sp?) you have been with him for a while, he is all you have known for a while, the thought of life without him i scary? I have been there i knowhow you are feeling.
Sweetheart, please try and look at this as if it were your sister or best friend going through it and think what you would advise them to do, the longer it continues the harder it will be to break.

AnyFucker · 09/09/2009 21:22

is it life MrsEric that caused him to push her roughly so she fell to the floor and spraned her wrist ?

just a temporary "blip" then ?

what an idiotic comment

MrsEricBanaMT · 09/09/2009 22:55

Keep your knickers on AF, where does it say that?

MrsEricBanaMT · 09/09/2009 23:00

Oh, I see. I'm an idiot for just reading the OP's messages. Yeah AF, as you like it.

Anyway they are two different issues. 12-14 isn't fat, but it's not slim either - technically, it's what the army calls skinny fat.

If he is physically abusing her, she needs to get some help and real advice, not from MN hopefully.

For the other issue more communication would be needed.

TheCrackFox · 09/09/2009 23:08

I am a size 12-14 but have a BMI of 23.5. So I am not fat.

I did, many moons ago, used to have a boyfriend that called me fat. Eventually, I binned him.

There is no point in communicating eiyth someone if domestic violence or abuse is the issue.

I cannot imagine what it would be like to be married to and have DCs with such a twat.

NotPlayingAnyMore · 09/09/2009 23:20

I remember your thread about your wrist and (although this may not be at all helpful) I thought you'd have left this sorry excuse for a "man" - or indeed doctor! - ages ago

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