husband refusing sex as apparantly i am "too fat"

[yummytummy]

am so furious dont know where to begin. had noticed recently dh not initiating sex that much and i posted an earlier thread that he didnt want to kiss as i had bad breath. finally talked to him about it wish i hadnt. he said he finds it hard to get excited as i eat too much and he doesnt find me physically attractive. am so angry as obviously shape has changed after having ds but am back to pretty much original size 12/14 but with bit of a tummy. dont think i look that bad and felt ok in clothes until now. am so devastated as was worried about this before having kids but he used to say it wont matter as that body will have given me a child. what a load of bollocks. cant believe he is being so shallow. also i'm a man men are visual blah blah. aaahhh am so upset dont know how to handle it. if thats what he thinks then forget it dont be with me then. dont know what to do. feel so crushed.

YT: many abusers show their true colours after the DC arrive. Because this is what he is: an abusive, nasty, woman-hating shitbag. This is not about you, it's NOT YOUR FAULT, he would have (and will) do it to any woman he has a relationship with.
I bet the golden days of your relationship, before DC, all somehow involved him getting his own way all the time and having you submit and defer to him - this is why abusers break cover when the DC arrive, it's because suddenly they are not the centre of the universe any more. Hurtful as his comments are, they are not the real issue, what is the big problem is that he thinks he's entitled to hurt you because you are a household object he owns.
Please call Women's Aid, they will help you.

i am willing you on to do something about this horrible horrible situation yummytummy. you think you still love this man and you probably will still think that even after he has stripped you of your confidence, belittled you and broken more than your wrist.

please please take the advice on this thread. begin to plan how to get by without him, begin to see that this is doing your children no good at all, begin to understand this is not normal in a loving relationship. please get some help.

MrsEric

so you don't think that verbal and physical abuse are connected in any way then ?

I do not believe they are two different issues. They happened at a different moment in time, but they are part of a continuum of controlling and nasty behaviour by this horrible man.

lease please please get in touch with women's aid - they will listen to you and notpressurise you to do anything. Also look out for self esteem courses - in our area surestart runs a six week course of one and a half hours a week. There are also pattern changing course which involve group meetings so women can looka at the abusive relationships that they are n or have been in and come to recognise abuse for what it is and avoid it.

is behaviour is not loving or normal or acceptable and you deserve better

thanks for the advice. nice to know i'm not in the wrong and that this behaviour of his really isnt ok. have started to lose sight of what is normal and what isnt within a relationship. i guess its not this. am more upset today as i tried to talk to him last night but he lost his temper again and threw his drink over me. then he realised and was really sorry and said he knew how he had been acting was wrong. seems to be feeling guilty so he has been ok today but i am just tired. cant even have an adult chat any more.

What would happen if you refused to have sex with your dh and gave as the reason "because he undermines your confidence?"

I also have to say that if he is refusing to have sex with you on whatever dubious pretext it is more than likely he is getting it elsewhere.

Throwing a drink on someone = lacking in respect. This behaviour should not occur and is not normal in any way. You need to leave because he is not gpoing to change and he will grind you and the kids down perpetually.

He really is a fucker.

Name calling, pushing and throwing drinks over you. He has no respect for you. Please don't blame yourself for his behaviour, it is inexcusable.

Please contact Womens Aid. They really can help you.

'...he lost his temper again and threw his drink over me. Then he realised...'

A grown up throwing a drink at another person doesn't do it without realising. He will gave been fully aware of his actions and consciously chose to act in that way.

My DH has a tendency to lose his temper at times of stress, but if he threw a drink over me in the heat of his anger I'd be totally shocked and mortified; I'd feel as if he wasn't the person I married, and something would change at such a fundamental level for me that I don't know how we could ever get things back to normal again.

I hope you find the strength to call Women's Aid as others have advised - there are MNers who have seen the situations you describe at close hand (unfortunately), and they are giving you good advice.

SO have you lewft the fuckwit yet?

throwing a drink over someone = physical abuse

so he realised and was sorry ? Realised he was acting like a twat and a bit scared he might have pushed you too far ?

what a crock of shite

not normal, on any level

yummytummy, I really hope you are coming to some sort of realisation of how shit your realtionship is

If this is the life you want for you and your child Yummy, then carry on with this 'relationship'. Keep in mind, these sort of relationships generally only get worse, not better., its like a downward slide from treating you well, to ok ish, then to how your husband acting, and onto worse. What seems to be coming through from your posts is helplessness, and that you seem frozen and unable to act to free yourself from this abuse. All of the advice i would give you has already been mentioned, but just think would you like to still be in this relationship in 10 years time with the same situation playing? Thats no way to live, as only one chance we get. best of luck.

That is awful behaviour of him - saying you are too fat and throwing the drink.

I have just told my DH about your 2 threads. He seems convinced that your DH could have erectile problems or other issues to do with sex (of his own) that are causing this.

Im guessing the next time the glass will follow the drink.
Please break out of this abusive relationship at least for your kid.

I'm a size 16-18 and have a very active sex life. You're not too fat for sex, he's a cockspanner.

hi. have just rung womens aid. it really helped to talk to someone. i have numbers for local help and legal help. still feel quite scared to use them though will have to do it bit by bit and secretly. its only from seeing what people have said on here about how their dh's compliment them and make them feel better that i see mine is nowhere near that. there isnt any love or respect from his side. cant help feeling as if its my fault though. but i dont want to be in this environment any more. would like to think he will change but he hasnt as yet. am finding it hard to find the strength to do anything though. we have built a life together dont want to lose it but at this stage there arent any nice options. please keep posting advice it really helps alot.

I think I said this in another thread today, but a few months of upheaval whilst you unravel your life from his is worth it for a brighter future where you get some hope back. It's a waste of your life hoping someone will change. Yes you've built a life together, but at what price? Your confidence? Your life when the abuse gets worse?

You can build a much happier life on your own, with no one to knock you down, hurt you, or make you feel worthless. Staying may seem easier but what sort of future are you giving yourself?

Well done for speaking to womens aid.
"there isnt any love or respect from his side. cant help feeling as if its my fault though" BUT IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You are not responsible for the unacceptable choice of actions of your dh. He would like you to think that you are.
"we have built a life together dont want to lose it" well it sounds to me that there are lots of things about that life together that you certainly do want to lose.
Change can be scary but when things are awful - and they sound pretty dire from an outsiders point of view - change will bring improvements.

Only be leaving this man will you get your self esteem back - and once you have left you will be shocked by how quickly your confidence comes back. Perhaps you will be materially worse off for a while, but this is not where happiness lies. Bringing up children in this kind of relationship will harm them. Not having the latest gadgets won't.

Please post a list of reasons to stay in the relationship as I think this will be helpful in clarifying things

I was in your shoes and went and lost the weight, yes it has miproved his attitude towards me and now everything is great. Pity it had to come to that, however I wasn't happt with my shape either so I guess we have both benefitted. There is nothing wrong with a size 12-14 especially after having a baby.

I cannot believ you let him throw a drink over you though, that is not acceptable and neither is telling you that he doesn't fancy you any more. If you left, it would give you both chance to think about what you really want, him the chance to realise what he has lost etc..

Is there someone you could go and stay with? even if it is just for a while.

I'm sorry - I don't have time to read the whol post.

A few years ago DH (then DP) were not having sex hardly - when he did he lost it etc. When we dicussed it (during counselling) he also said I was overweight etc. I was devastated however didn't blame myself as I knew he was looking for an excuse. Our relationship was at an end.

To cut a long story short a few months later we decided to call it quits after a few years of unhappiness. Faced the reality of separation we fell upon eachother had fabulous sex which broke the cycle we'd got ourselves in. This continued until the inevitable happened (I'd long since given up on contraception, we didn't have sex often enough).

5 years later we are happily married with our third child on the way. I don't know what happened to DH for those years - it was certainly nothign to do with me or my weight.

Just thought I'd share my story that all is not lost.

I am so angry for you .

In my twenties my partner told me he didn't want sex because I'd put on some weight. I remember running out into the kitchen and throwing a wine glass at him. It hit his head an bounced, didn't hurt him. At the time I was only a size 12. I did get my self esteem back.

You have the right to be spoken to and treated with respect, I am a size 16 (I hope!) and my dh isn't bothered.

There is some great advice on this thread. You need your friends at this difficult time.

I'm so pleased you called Womens Aid that I've just been trying not to cry at my desk. Well done. It's the first step and now you know that the help is there, hopefully you can take the next step too, whatever that may be.

I don't think you should put up with your DH's behaviour and now you are realising this, hopefully you won't. The important thing is how he reacts to that. Personally, I'd be tempted to leave him or if you're not that brave, suggest counselling together. That way he'll know you won't accept his appalling behaviour and you'll have more control over yourself and hopefully your marriage.

My DH winds me up sometimes when he's 'tidyed' things away and I can't find them or when he forgets things, but never has he made me feel like I'm not the most important person in his life (as important as DSS) and like even if he doesn't agree with me, he always makes me feel that he loves me. If he ever behaved like your DH has I think I'd be in shock and once I got through that, I'd be moving out. The worst he's done is shouted at me (once) when he was really stressed about his family, work, DSS etc and it got on top of him. It lasted about a minute (if that) and he immediately apologised and asked for my support. That's what your DH should do. I've put on a stone in a year and DH doesn't mind. I know he'd be happier if I was slimmer, but only as he knows I'd be happier. I'm currently on a diet and DH loves the fact I'm focussed and he's weighing all my food if he's making it.

Please remember you deserve someone who loves you for the wonderful person you are and for the strong person you can be.

Good luck

ok reasons to stay in relationship:

financial security, house bills paid etc.

2 parents for ds

company

familiarity

shared history been together 15 years

shit thats not much is it. ok am really confused now i think i want to end it but at the same time am too scared of what will happen and that he will try to take ds off me. couldnt manage financially alone as only work part time. cant go stay with relatives as they will support him and tell me to go home. what can i do? am so sick of crying and feeling useless

Number one do not worry about money as that will get sorted later.Do contact womens aid if you wish to leave him and make sure you take little one with you as you really don't want him influenced by this mans way of thinking.Womens aid have refuges if you need somewhere to go to escape abuse and they are brilliant as my cousin has found recently.
They will help you figure out where to go from here and help you deal with things like money and applying for housing.
If your rels won't help then when safe tell them why if they trully care they will support your decision if not don't panic as you will soon find a more supportive set of relationships around you. He will not get custody of ds as womens aid will help make sure that it is known why they are involved. Make sure you leave when he's working as that way he cannot stop you and take as much clothing and toys for you and ds and any precious stuff you can carry or put in your car if you drive also take some money for at least a weeks worth food etc if possible