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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband refusing sex as apparantly i am "too fat"

132 replies

yummytummy · 09/09/2009 10:52

am so furious dont know where to begin. had noticed recently dh not initiating sex that much and i posted an earlier thread that he didnt want to kiss as i had bad breath. finally talked to him about it wish i hadnt. he said he finds it hard to get excited as i eat too much and he doesnt find me physically attractive. am so angry as obviously shape has changed after having ds but am back to pretty much original size 12/14 but with bit of a tummy. dont think i look that bad and felt ok in clothes until now. am so devastated as was worried about this before having kids but he used to say it wont matter as that body will have given me a child. what a load of bollocks. cant believe he is being so shallow. also i'm a man men are visual blah blah. aaahhh am so upset dont know how to handle it. if thats what he thinks then forget it dont be with me then. dont know what to do. feel so crushed.

OP posts:
Podrick · 11/09/2009 19:24

OK, try to relax a bit, it is good to get this stuff down in writing - helps you think!

Womens aid can advise you about how to manage and where to go. Try giving them another call so they can elaborate on your options. If your relatives really would advise you to "go home" to this man then that doesn't say a whole lot for them tbh. But in reality you could do this on your own with the help of Womens Aid. Social Security means that you and the kids will be housed and will not starve. YOU ARE NOT USELESS and it is only your dh who makes you think that you are. Leaving will take guts, but its the right thing to do for you and your kids and you have the guts to do it. the sooner the better but sometimes people need to take time to build up to it. Your ds will still have 2 parents if you split, but his mother will have far better mental health and be able to be a better monther to him without this ar$ehole dh in her life.

Your dh might make you feel like he will get custody of your ds but in reality he has zero chance of this.

HMM company and familiarity seem to come at a cost of undermining your self esteem and happiness and being threatened and emotionally abused.

As for the shared history, you can both reminisce together about how your dh has been enotionally and pysically abusive...are you not better leaving that all behind you.

Be strong for you, and if not for you then for your child. You can do this, you can have a terrific life if you are brave enough to leave, you know what your life will be if you stay.

Podrick · 11/09/2009 19:28

Do you actually have any supportive friends or family to turn to or has your dh isolated you from a support network?

Original poster
yummytummy · 11/09/2009 19:35

he hasnt isolated me but like i said relatives would tell me to go home and of the friends i could go to one of them is really having a hard time at the mo herself so couldnt go there. just feel so stuck. also as have recently had a few health issues i cant drive for long distances as yet. feel like if i dont go now i never will as he will start to be nice again. i really believe that no-one would ever want to sleep with me again anyway. i know thats not the main issue but thats what hurts more than the violence which seems really fucked up. womens aid said something about an injunction order to get him out of house but would have to call police and feel too scared for that like i would be wasting their time or something

OP posts:
MrsEricBanaMT · 11/09/2009 19:45

That's not much?

Podrick · 11/09/2009 19:47

"i really believe that no-one would ever want to sleep with me again" this feeling will leave you within a few weeks of you leaving your dh, possibly even within a few days.

Womens Aid can help you get him removed from the house, or alternatively find you a safe place to go to and help you get there. You get to choose which is best. Talk to Womens Aid some more. You are placing such little value on yourself at the moment that is why you fear you might be wasting police time. IT IS WORTHWHILE FOR THE POLICE TO HELP YOU & YOUR DS STAY PHYSICALLY SAFE. You are very important. you are especially important to your ds. If you can find strength now you will start to value yourself again and that means that you will be able to meet a man who will value you and respect you and yes, who will think sleeping with you is an honour and a great priviledge.

You have made steps towards a different future already. Keep tsking them, you are so worth it, so is your ds, do it for him if you can't do it for you. Keep posting.

AnAuntieNotAMum · 11/09/2009 19:50

"i really believe that no-one would ever want to sleep with me again anyway" Please try and rid yourself of that thought, it's really not the case.

Would your relatives really tell you to go home if you told them that he has been violent and even you trying to discuss things ends up with you having a drink thrown over you? I understand that it might be difficult to tell a relative about the sexual issues but would they really tell you to just lie down and accept the violence?

Original poster
yummytummy · 11/09/2009 20:04

yes unfortunately thats what relatives would say. all v traditional and divorce isnt ever an option where they are concerned.

and yes mrsericbana thats not much when compared to the crap i have to put up with every day and how worthless its made me feel. if you cant offer empathy and support then dont post. i dont have the energy for more negative remarks

thankyou to podrick and all others who have helped just by being there and giving advice.

OP posts:
warthog · 11/09/2009 20:23

MrsEricBanaMT, if you're going to make that sort of a post, at least make sure that you know what you're about. i'm shocked that you think domestic violence isn't much to make a fuss about.

yummytummy, i have been following your threads and am rooting for you. you can do this, you do have the strength. it will come even though it seems so far away.

AnAuntieNotAMum · 11/09/2009 21:24

Sorry to hear that your relatives would think that you should put up and shut up. FWIW I, and many others, think they are wrong! I hope that things will get better for you.

Podrick · 12/09/2009 06:30

It is a real shame about the relatives, they're obviously not going to support you to leave but you made find them supportive after you have actually left.
You need some support to leave ideally so I recommend talking some more to womens aid and other agencies, and keep posting here as well.

It isn't right to be badly treated like this, you don't deserve it and you are worth more. It's a dangerous relationship to stay in because your dh is telling you that you are not worth more every day. You need to know that youARE worth more to be able to leave, that's why it works as a trap. Get yourself out of this trap, Start planning an escape, and when you think aspects of the escape plan will never work, or that you won't cope alone, post your fears and worries here so we can help you work them out. There are more solutions available to you than you are able to see on your own and you don't need to do this on your own. Here's to a better future for you and your son!

MrsEricBanaMT · 12/09/2009 11:05

Where did I say domestic violence isn't much to make a fuss about? I didn't.

I can't be bothered to read the whole thread. I'm just at the usual response of the relationship lynch mob on here.

gettingagrip · 12/09/2009 11:38

Mrs Eric

Perhaps you should read the whole thread in future....this man has already broken the OP's wrist.

I hope to god he isn't my GP.

Original poster
yummytummy · 12/09/2009 13:10

am so confused now. actually managed to get him to talk last night. he said he realises the too fat comment was the wrong thing to say and he didnt mean it and it doesnt matter to him. but its all a bit late for that. then i said about the drink incident and again he refused to take responsibility saying i shouldnt have been pushing him to talk and i should pick up on his cues when hes getting angry and leave him alone. but surely its up to him to control his own anger?

anyway dont know where things stand. he does seem sorry but its too late. i am planning to meet with an outreach person from womens aid and will explore my options. also have an appt with relate even if he doesnt go i will just to see if its worth trying anything.

am so hurt by all this and dont know if its something we can work through or if thats really it for the marriage.

he is unlikely to ask for sex now but if he did i dont know if i would ever be able to with him or not.

dont know what the right thing is to do. hate being unable to even talk anymore.

please keep posting advice
thankyou

OP posts:
notevenamousie · 12/09/2009 13:59

MrsEric - I have never ever seen such terrible, callous, dangerous advice.

yummytummy - stop thinking about your H and what he wants or needs and start thinking about you and your son. You need a life that is free from fear, from continuous emotional and physical pain, where you can have the confidence to be yourselves. Many of us manage on our own - we are not particularly great, we may not have much money or material things, we might even feel lonely at times but we are not abused. Our children get to grow up with a right way of looking at the world. You need to leave this man - I know it may take lots of little steps for you to be able to do that safely, but you really must do it. Phone Womens' Aid back, and let them help you plan how to get out of the house with your DS. A refuge IS a better option than staying where you are - can you get yourself to a point where you can see that?

gettingagrip · 12/09/2009 14:02

yummy...

Have a look at this link about brain changes in abusive relationships

And also this link about traumatic bonding in abusive relationships

This is why you are confused. Your brain has been affected by this relationship . Time is what you need, time away from your abuser preferably.

Keep talking to WA, they are experts and will help you.

xxxxx

AnAuntieNotAMum · 12/09/2009 15:00

Yes Yummy, you're right, he should be able to control his anger. If he was feeling like he was going to lash out and couldn't control it he should have stood up and left the room.

warthog · 12/09/2009 16:21

'I can't be bothered to read the whole thread.'

then fuck off. really.

if you can't be bothered, don't post! this op is vulnerable. all you like but this ISN'T the place to do it.

warthog · 12/09/2009 16:25

yummymummy, it is confusing. but so far it's all words. you need to see real change over the next while, otherwise his promises are meaningless.

of course he should be able to control his anger. and it's not up to you not to provoke him. he has to take responsibility for himself.

SerendipitousHarlot · 12/09/2009 16:52

Oh MrsEricBanaMT have a word with yourself, will you? If you've nothing contructive to say, just post elsewehere.

I think you were ing at the list of 'pro's from the OP - no it's not much. Where's the passion, the love, the tenderness?

Whoever stays married for those reasons alone that the OP listed, I feel sorry for.

Original poster
yummytummy · 13/09/2009 14:59

hi. am still confused. he has been really nice over weekend but am still so upset. am almost starting to think maybe i made too much of a big deal about it. i just have no idea now what is acceptable behaviour and what isnt. if someone seems sorry and realises they have done wrong then should you give them a chance? just am worried about bothering womens aid again dont know if its bad enough for that? i mean should i wait and see if it improves? it just feels like too much of a big step to leave.

OP posts:
gettingagrip · 13/09/2009 15:55

Cycle of Abuse

dizietsma · 13/09/2009 16:26

Yep, just like gettingagrip points out, this is part of the cycle of abuse. This is the part 4, the calm "honeymoon" phase. Soon enough tensions will be building and you'll be back at part 1 all over again trying to placate his moods.

Please call WA again, you're not bothering them, you deserve support and help. Does one nice weekend make up for all the abuse? Of course not.

Can I suggest keeping a log of his behaviour? Post it on this thread if you like. Then you can look back over it when you're in the honeymoon phase and see that it's part of a pattern and will not last. It will also remind you of the very serious abuse that you suffer, that it is not trivial. Another poster leaving an abusive relationship did this and found it helpful- here

AnyFucker · 13/09/2009 19:43

yummy, please read that cycle of abuse link

he has obviously realised he has pushed you too far

and now he is holding back a bit, while he fucks with your mind so you don't know your arse from your elbow

then, when he sees you are even more vulnerable than before (because you have "accepted" what he did last time), then he will start to crank it up again

all this is designed (even if he doesn't consciously realise) to keep you in line and under his control

Podrick · 13/09/2009 20:47

Yes it is circular behaviour, but you know that he has not genuinely accepted responsibility for his actions and that it will all happen again - he will lose control and you will be on the wrong end of it again. This is nO way for anyone to live. It is not ott to leave this man, he is affecting your mental and emotional well being and at times also your actual physical safety. Speak to womens aid again for their perspective. This is not just something that happens to " other people". Get some more expert advice and opinions, sometimes. You need to hear the same thing from lots of different people before you can finally realise that it is the truth. I have been bullied at work but never thought for a minute that I Could ever be bullied and it took several people to tell me what was going on before I fnally believed them. Read up on this issue and you will start to recognise the behaviour profile and dynamics in your relationship. He is mind controlling you.

Podrick · 13/09/2009 20:53

Op I know my post might be hard for you to read and I really feel for you, but I think you need to get out of this relationship and not to try to work it through. You don't need to leave immediately if you are not ready but I think you should thnk seriously about making plans to leave. Do you have access to some savings?

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