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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

husband refusing sex as apparantly i am "too fat"

132 replies

yummytummy · 09/09/2009 10:52

am so furious dont know where to begin. had noticed recently dh not initiating sex that much and i posted an earlier thread that he didnt want to kiss as i had bad breath. finally talked to him about it wish i hadnt. he said he finds it hard to get excited as i eat too much and he doesnt find me physically attractive. am so angry as obviously shape has changed after having ds but am back to pretty much original size 12/14 but with bit of a tummy. dont think i look that bad and felt ok in clothes until now. am so devastated as was worried about this before having kids but he used to say it wont matter as that body will have given me a child. what a load of bollocks. cant believe he is being so shallow. also i'm a man men are visual blah blah. aaahhh am so upset dont know how to handle it. if thats what he thinks then forget it dont be with me then. dont know what to do. feel so crushed.

OP posts:

Nancy66 · 09/09/2009 11:36

How recently did you have your son? Was he at the birth - could it be that has put him off sex?

NicknameTaken · 09/09/2009 11:38

hey, thanks sincity.

Yummy, it's very hard to maintain self esteem when someone is determined to drag you down. Wish I had a better answer.

SolidGoldBrass · 09/09/2009 11:46

Oh Yummy, you need to get away from this horrible shitbag of a man. He is using all these insults to destroy you pyschologically in order to be free to hurt you physically. The idea is to convince you that you are ugly and worthless so it's perfectly OK for him to beat you and break your bones (as he has done before). If he convinces you you are worthless, he thinks it will stop you speaking out about his vile behaviour because he is a Decent Upright Man with a Proper Job - he thinks that people will pity hi for having a 'bad' wife, while he gets to take out all his stresses and inadequacies on you.
The thing is, his nasty mindset is a few decades out of date. Look at the horror and disgust MNers are displaying towards HIM not YOU. People do not, these days, think that women are men's property and that it's OK to belittle and beat them if they don't provide a good enough service. You need to log every incident of verbal or physical abuse, take all the support you can get from Women's Aid and the local domestic violence unit and go as public as possible with the fact that this man is a domestic abuser. Yes, ruin his status in the community, because that is what he deserves for his cruelty, indimidation and repeated assaults on you.

Original poster

yummytummy · 09/09/2009 11:48

ds nearly 2. he was at birth dont know if it put him off or not.thought it was normal to have less sex after a baby esp at beginning but not now.

OP posts:

EleanoraBuntingCupcake · 09/09/2009 11:52

yummytummy, whether he was at the birth or not is irelevent bearing in mind the way he is treating you.

he doesn't love or respect you.

Mamazon · 09/09/2009 11:59

I also don't think that your apparent body shape is the root cause.
There is more to this but he has said its your weight/shape as he knows it will crush you and p[robably stop you wanting to be intimate with him for a while.

personally i'd have kicked his no doubt saggy hairy arse out of the door.

BerylCole · 09/09/2009 12:07

I know that harping on about my lovely husband isn't going to make you feel any better, and I don't want to sound all smug and self satisified - but I do want you to know that this is NOT on and you really shouldnt have to put up with this.

Your husband is being extremely cruel. Really - his behaviour is vile and verging on the abusive. When I think of all my many body issues since having my two children and how absolutely fabulously supportive my husband has been, it makes me feel incredibly angry and upset on your behalf.
My husband has totally built my confidence back up again. We exercise together (I hate exercise, so need lots of encouragement from my DH). He wont let me go on silly diets (by 'wont let', I mean he was aghast wehn I talked about Lighter Life, and said 'but you're gorgeous! Dont let a few excess pounds send you on some crazy, miserable life of starvation!'). He tells me I am gorgeous even when I feel at my fattest and mingingest (!?). I am also a 12/14 - was a 10 when he met me and have been as big as a 20 during our relationship) and he is never anything but adoring. That is what you deserve. nothing less.

NicknameTaken · 09/09/2009 12:13

Lovely post, Beryl.

What, he broke your wrist? I missed that thread. Then I'm with SGB. This is abuse. You can't make it better.

Mamazon · 09/09/2009 12:17

he broke your wrist???

please. don't question whether your fat or not, just leave. or better still make him.

this isn't normal at all. he is a vile controlling arse and if the wrist thing is true he is an abusive violant arse.

and the longer you stay with him the worse it will get as he will view your lack of action as a sign of permission.

Bellsa · 09/09/2009 12:52

If he broke your wrist then you need to get out. He's emotionally abusing you so that you have no self confidence and he can continue the physical abuse because you feel so bad you can't leave.
Get a non-molestation and occupation order and get him out. You don't need this, you're better than this.

Tidey · 09/09/2009 12:58

Arsehat. A complete and total one.
Seriously. 12/14 is not fat, he sounds like a horrible controlling git, and if you've already experienced violence from him, get the hell out. This is an attempt to make you think you won't find anyone else who'll love you and keep you with him.

NicknameTaken · 09/09/2009 13:02

Found your old thread about your wrist. Seriously, yummy, you can't salvage this situation. Sorry to be blunt, but he's not suddenly going to turn around and start treating you well, not now that he has started down this path.

fruitstick · 09/09/2009 13:05

I am a size 16, you could clamp pencils under my stomach. Your husband is an arse and this clearly has nothing to do with your size.

He is just trying to trample you. You deserve much better.

I'd be tempted to buy myself a vibrator and tell him his penis is too small anyway. But that probably wouldn't help.

So sorry he is being such a shit.

EleanoraBuntingCupcake · 09/09/2009 13:06

you should chuck him out and buy him a blow up doll as a leaving gift.

tinkerbellesmuse · 09/09/2009 13:50

This has nothing to do with the way you look and everything to do with him being a complete shit.

Please don't put up with it. You (everyone) deserves so much better than this.

BitOfFun · 09/09/2009 14:13

Being physically and emotionally abusive is unreasonable behaviour and grounds for divorce. Please go and see a solicitor and take him to the cleaners.

Original poster

yummytummy · 09/09/2009 14:37

i guess i sort of know his behaviour towards me isnt right but its true i dont really have the confidence to leave and dont really want to. he wasnt always like this has just been bad since having ds. want to just feel like he loves me but maybe thats not true. dont know if its worth trying to find out what is going on with him or not. but if you love someone this isnt how you treat them surely? i honestly dont think i'm that awful or maybe i am?

OP posts:

EleanoraBuntingCupcake · 09/09/2009 14:39

of course you are not awful. if you really can't leave him now, start with little steps do you do anything outsdie the house, do you have friends?

Original poster

yummytummy · 09/09/2009 14:44

i work part time 3 days. also have some friends but they mostly work too. am really getting depressed about the whole thing cant stop thinking about it. awful atmosphere at home i can hardly look at him.

OP posts:

Mamazon · 09/09/2009 14:45

i would love for you to contact Womens aid.
they WILL NOT pressurise you to leave. they will undersstand that its not always that easy.

but they will be there to listen to you and they could offer you some help from an outreach worker.
that way they will help you build your confidence, they will talk through these things and help you see that you deserve more.
if you decide to try again with DP they can help you access information on maybe helping him and moving the relationship forward. bit if not they can offer you help and advice on being free from him.

please, do give them a ring. it dopesn't commit you to anything

Malificence · 09/09/2009 14:46

When you love someone, you treat them with love and respect, not abuse and pathetic put downs about you being too fat for him to fancy.
He is eating away at your self esteem and confidence, trying to make you believe that he is the only one who will put up with you, (who else could possibly love a hideous fat lump?).
There are decent, loving men out there, ones who would treat you with the respect you deserve, who will tell you how beautiful and sexy you are, no matter what your size is.
Do you want to live like this for years until you haven't a shred of your former self left? Do you want your son shaped and moulded by this "man"?

tryingherbest · 09/09/2009 14:47

So your dh is a doctor and he thinks that 12-14 is fat? WTF
This and the link to your other post makes me worry for you.

What ideally would you like to do?

Original poster

yummytummy · 09/09/2009 14:54

i would like him to just be loving again and show affection like he is perfectly capable of doing. but i do feel like my sense of self is being slowly worn away. i used to be really confident and cant believe how crap he makes me feel about myself. its so hard. mainly thinking of ds as he adores him. if had no kids would be easier to leave. worst thing is if i left dont think he would care.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 09/09/2009 15:12

yummy, you are an intelligent person

read your last post

what advice would you give to someone else who said that?

he is not going to give you your self-respect back, you have given in too many times and brushed over his abuse of you, he feels he can do as he likes and it will only escalate

you are going to have to take it back for yourself

so ds adores him, he can still adore him if you are no longer living together

don't subjugate your own life for your child, you will not be thanked for it

AnyFucker · 09/09/2009 15:14

have you read this thread ?

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