Those of you who have LEFT an EMOTIONAL ABUSIVE relationship please come and tell me how you did it

[AboardtheAxiom]

as I am struggling to get my head around leaving.

I know at the end of the day I need to do this for myself and DS but am finding very hard as - well , here is my thread

If anyone on here has left please tell me about your journey and how you managed it.

Just a thought but does it have to be the most local WA if they are not sufficiently interested? Does anyone know if a different WA branch would help Axiom?

As usual I am so relieved to see replies, thanks QoD and stressed.

I feel like I had all the steam taken out of me after the call with the guy from housing. I just dont see anyway out. Can't drive so can't move any further from DS's school than the location I applied for. Won't get a council house near school (even if I were in the refuge the chance of another house coming up within walking distance to school is very unlikely).

Right now feels worse than before. I feel trapped and TBH could very easily block ot this whole escape plan and go back to pretending I'm ok with my life.

A night dwn the pub sounds good - not very good company at the moment though I suspect. Sorry you have been in a funny head place QoD, do you have a list of all the reasons you left?

I am sorry - I am v dense so apologise if I ask impertinent questions. What is the issue here re housing? Is it that all your costs re housing wil definitely be paid by council but you need a PRIVATE (non council) house in order to be near the school and you won't get the housing bond for it? i.e. you need £[x] to get the house near the school you.

or you will get the bond etc necessary but it will then be a council house and no where near where you want to be?

Also saw your other posts re the school issues. Are you 100% you want to stay with that school? If so of course you need to be near the school but if not is there anything keeping you only to that area?

I hope this makes sense - out today but back on tonight

Can you send me the link to your school thread, as I'm also not completely clear what the issue is here. What I mean is that I know you feel it is very important for DS to stay at the same school, but you're also not happy with the school.

What would you do if DS would/could change schools? I'm also a bit lost on the house thing now (my head is in a bit of a fog and I've just gone back to work after five months so lots of work stuff in there). I think what we're saying is that this is sortable, we just aren't the experts (we'll still support you though).

Please call the housing and WA today and arrange meetings with them. If we're all confused, they need to explain it again to us in words of one syllable. They have to take your and DS's needs into consideration. If they're saying they can't help, you need to keep asking and keep getting them to understand the gravity of this. They can't just let you go away and think oh well, I'll stay in this destructive situation. The time has passed.

I don't have a list of reasons why I left (you do on your threads here). For me, it was stark - if I stayed, I knew I would end up in hospital again from the stress. I'd already spent a month in there after my collapse and sadly it was great - because he wasn't there. I must have been the only patient who was happy being injected, prodded and poked because it was more relaxing than being at home.

ATA, you don't need to justify anything to anyone. You are doing the right thing. And if you need cheering up, read this - made me laugh my head off.

school thread

Although we are having school probs, they would be same, most likely worse if I were to move schools and start all over again. It is a good school, with it's heart in the right place needing some training on ASD in the classroom maybe! Unfortunately they cannot control the LEA and how long edpsychs take to turn up, asess children, etc. I know they find the process as frustrating as the parents!

Are you able to summarise the housing issue?

I will try stressed.

Options:
council house - very few in school area, if one comes up and I am in family home won't get it as not homeless, if in refuge (uprooting DS and causing him to regress development wise) may be waiting months if not longer for one to come up.

private rent - LA will now not pay bond in walking distance to DS's school as say it is too close to partner's house (seeing as I am being emotionally abused rather than physically I don't see it being as big an issue - wherever I live we will have DS to co parent still so will be in contact one way or another). The house I had applied for was as far away as possible from current house but still sble to walk to school.

So to get a private rented house (get my deposit paid), I would have to move schools too (which would also cause DS to regress).

Feel let down by WA and housing TBH (housing were also meant to put me in touch with their domestic abuse department who I haven't heard from either). I have lost faith in the whole lot of them. I have DS and his statement to battle for too and I just don't have the energy.

Is the WA support number an 08 one? Only have my mobile phonewill it cost me?

yes but they will call you straight back just tell them you have no credit - I have just spoken to them for you

If you have BT phone line it says it will not show up on your home phone

Here is the page with phone questions on it

www.womensaid.org.uk/page.asp?section=0001000100080016&itemTitle=Helpline+FAQs

WA said you should try calling these housing experts to see if they can advise you better regarding your situation and housing - also an 0808 number so ask the to call you back (do you have some credit on your phone to call them?)

shelterline 0808 800 4444

ATA,

Do you want him to co-parent your DS?. Do you honestly think that such a man (and I use that term advisedly given what I have read about him) is actually up to the job of doing this?. And what about yourself, your safety has to be considered. From what I have read he does not give two hoots about either of you. I can see why you perhaps need to give him a chance but that is then it - just one chance. If he screws up then you have every to reconsider the co-parenting. I would certainly not enter into any informal arrangement or agreement with him; I would go through the courts re access arrangements.

I have read your other thread regarding DS. Your DS is clearly not having his needs fully met with regards to school; will changing schools really make such a huge difference to him longer term?. What you really need for him is that Statement doc in place. And for that you're going to have to find some more reserves within you (because I believe they are in there somewhere) and fight for that.

Please call WA again - they will call you back in you say you have no credit. They call women back in phone boxes.

You can do this but you need to do baby steps. The baby steps will get you to the ultimate goal.

Sorry I've been awol - dealing with my own idiot ex and his random demands!

Having read your other thread I'm a bit in to be honest.

Not only is that a hideous situation from your DS but it's hideous for the teacher as an employee (not that your son has HFA but that they are totally unsupported in their work - you might find the actual teacher in an ally in that), the school/education authority really have to take this on board and I'm sorry to say I think you're going to need to jump up and down a bit over that. I do understand your DS has some friends at the school (maybe I'm missing something else) but surely moving him to a better setting if there is one could only be of benefit to him (or is it the issue of more upheaval that is strictly necessary being stressful for him - pls forgive my ignorance)

Anyway, the good ladies here are giving you good advice, take babysteps and you will move forward.

xxMad

I'm very down tonight, sorry I can't reply to each message, will come on tomorrow and read through properly. It doesn't matter what I would decide regarding access as I am stuck here right now so no point twisting myself in knots over whether he would have the chance for that level of involvement or not really. My head hurts just living.

Have a meeting with school senco Monday morning RE school issues.

Have you seen my crush thread? (search it - my head is a mess, ny life is a mess, my heart is a mess).

Can't find your crush thread - can you send us the link? Sorry things are getting you down at the moment, it is hard but you are getting closer to the end every day. Can you phone WA to talk to someone?

Hope the meeting the goes well on Monday.

Hi QueenofDenial

it is very very silly and embarassing have a read here

That thread about the guy who was way too polite in bed was hilarious! Sounds like definate mother issues to me.

I feel like I am retreating like an injured animal at the moment, laying low and licking my wounds, hoping I get my energy back ready to pounce back into action again. I have that much going on in my head it is making me dizzy!

Oh god. Does he have NPD? This page rung way too many bells.

I don't know how I feel about it really, maybe a little reassured that it isn't me, a little scared, and a little sad. Also still feel stuck here.

Had a very depressing convo about xmas presents earlier, and he is out back yet again - how am I going to get out of here??

Is it gonna have to be a refuge?? I could really do with some responses if anyone is about. He is meant to be coming back in soon so if I don't return all of a sudden don't worry, it just means I have closed this tab.

If you think he might be an N have a look at this too. It's horrible to have to cover your tracks on the computer all the time. Stay strong. xxx

Hi Mathanxiety

That website looks really useful, refreshing that it focuses on the partner on the receiving end of these behaviours.

Yes am being careful on the laptop, deleting forms, passwords, cookies, and history everytime I'm finished. I do worry I will forget one time and he will see it. Same with my phone. He has looked through my phone before, not sure if he has looked on MN before but doesn't know I changed mytalk name.

I woke up this morning feeling so sad and thinking about what I could take to a refuge. DS has so much stuff. What a thought to wake up on.

Also worried I will end up in refuge, have to settle for house in wrong area, and have to move DS from his school. I get ahead of myself in my thoughts and get all worried.

Have meeting with school senco on monday about DS, and am also going to ring WA national helpline.

Aboard - worries about such things kept me from leaving my ex for ages.

The point is, that once you are out of the abusive relationship, everything gets better, and you get stronger. so you might be living somewhere you dont like for a short time - things will change, you will move on.

Do I think your partner has NPD? I don't know, but read lots about it and you'll get a better sense. I realise now that my ex has got a personality disorder, not sure if it's narcissitic, maybe more of a blend and a lot of your thread has resonated with me.

Have a read of the NPD thread here under relationships. It's taken me a long time to read it, but I now feel much calmer and it just seems to make sense. That was the bit I was struggling with before - I couldn't understand why he seemed to despise me so much when he professed his undying love so often. It just didn't add up and there were so many things I just couldn't put my finger on.

I've said this before and I'll say it again; I really think you need to get out. Yes, maybe that will mean a refuge initially. I don't know much about SN, but I would be surprised if some of the difficulties your son is having at the moment aren't related to what's going on at home. DD is the same age and the difference has been huge.

Please call these people

shelterline 0808 800 4444 - ask then to call you back

The are housing specialists. I spoke to them and they asked me to get you to call - they sesm to think the idea that you should not get bond due to where you live regarding new house seemed very odd and you may have right to appeal.

Also are you on tenancy of your existing house/flat or do you own it? This is something you are going to need to sort out when/as you leave as you don't want to remain responsible for the cost once you are not there.

Hi Aboard,
I haven't read all the post and have not been in the situation you dsecribe but just wanted to offer some advice re claiming benefits etc. Having read your posts I don't think you'd be entitled to COmmunity CAre Grant because you need to be in receipt of a qualifying benefit ie. jsa, is or pension credits. There is also a qualifying period of 6 months however you can get a crisis loan. You can check all this on entitled to .com. If you are being supported by WA they may be able to apply to charities on your behalf either ones local to you, I work in housing and often manage to get small start up grants for individuals setting up home or there are also national charities such as the Buttle Trust.
I would expect that most privated rented accom comes with basic furniture ie kitchen applicances and beds for example so you should really only need money for immediate living expenses in the short term which should be covered by Crisis Loans. (This last bit is not neccessarily my opinion but it is what the benefits assessors will be taking into account).
Hope this helps a little bit.

Hi everyone, been at meeting with school which was positive and I am a bit happier about that side of things.

Thanks for that number stressed, it's really kind of you to call people for me. I will give them a call.

The house we are curently in is mortgaged, in his name only (he told me he didn't want me on it in case we split up (!) ) which was and is fine by me! So can walk away from it - one less thing I would need to sort out from my POV. It is all decorated how he wants, our stuff cannot be all 'messy everywhere', I am expected to keep everything clean and tidy. I live here/ have lived here for 7 years but it's not my home.

WA had already started filling in a CCGrant form for me for when I got the house I didn't get the bond for . I would have to be in receipt of IS (or have claim being processed) to send form off to apply for grant. In the mean time I could survive on my carer's allowance, CB, and son's DLA. Then eventually would also receive IS (and child tax credits??) - anyway we wouldn't starve. Houses here rarely come furnished, some may have an oven or fridge, for example, but would need to buy all my furniture.

The fact that you are not in the house is a blessing from a housing perspective! Are you on any bills?

I think if you walk out due to abusive partner from his house - i.e. you could not have thrown him out then council have obligation to rehome. Please call shelterline - they know all the answers. Took a while to get through to them