Those of you who have LEFT an EMOTIONAL ABUSIVE relationship please come and tell me how you did it

[AboardtheAxiom]

as I am struggling to get my head around leaving.

I know at the end of the day I need to do this for myself and DS but am finding very hard as - well , here is my thread

If anyone on here has left please tell me about your journey and how you managed it.

there are probably organisations that sell on not new good quality furniture in the locality too.

Yes there are a few charity shops selling 2nd hand furniture, and an organisation that do packages cheaply for people moving with nothing. Lady at WA had said white goods are hard to come by via these means though, but always plenty advertised locally.

I have been looking on the internet at the area the housing guy suggested that is a long walk or 2 bus rides to school. The rents are lower, and I would be closer to my mum and sisters, and shops. Would just be the school run would be a tad long. Don't know whether to just go for one in this area if council will pay my bond there. Could try to get my driving test passed when I am on my feet. My only stress would be the school run, whereas staying here I am miserable. What does everyone else think??

Yes there are a few charity shops selling 2nd hand furniture, and an organisation that do packages cheaply for people moving with nothing. Lady at WA had said white goods are hard to come by via these means though, but always plenty advertised locally.

I have been looking on the internet at the area the housing guy suggested that is a long walk or 2 bus rides to school. The rents are lower, and I would be closer to my mum and sisters, and shops. Would just be the school run would be a tad long. Don't know whether to just go for one in this area if council will pay my bond there. Could try to get my driving test passed when I am on my feet. My only stress would be the school run, whereas staying here I am miserable. What does everyone else think??

how viable is the journey if you stay at the same school? How long will the journey take? Is it an ok area etc? Is there an infrastructure there?

The area the guy at housing suggested is a main shopping road (area I grew up in), it is about the same kind of area as I am living in now, not posh(!) but not as rough as some infamous areas of the city.

The journey would be approx 40min walk, or two 10-20 minute bus rides. The main road has everything shops, main busybus route, swimming baths huge park, etc with lots of residential streets off of it on either side. The journey to school is about the same as the journey to my mums from where I currently live. The idea is growing on me. My sister agrees, says I should just move, and assess during my 6 month lease whether I want to go closer to school / move schools / pass driving test / etc. The area we are currently in is very close to school but is an industrial area with no shops in walking distance, busy roads, factories, etc and nearer to his family than mine.

Aboard, I cannot emphasise too strongly, how much better everything looks when you are out of an abusive relationship!
The joy of just beign in your own home in peace - I didnt care that we lacked everything, it was just so great being free again - a real luxury.

I agree, getting out makes such a difference and I'm really glad that you're starting to visualise your new life. The more you tell us about your situation, the more concerned I am.

How are you going to do it and when? Note on the table and then via solicitors? That's what I did and it seemed a bit melodramatic at the time. But every single thing I overreacted on has turned out to be true. Tracking down my friends to try and find out where I had gone, trying to sneakily find out when I had hospital appointments, turning people against me, keeping my new address secret. I'm not saying this will happen to you, but being way over cautious was the best thing I did.

In terms of stuff, you will be amazed as to what you can cope without. Also, freecycle and charity shops will get you the basics. I would also post on your local Mumsnet section to see if anybody has things they no longer need, most people have a pile of stuff they keep meaning to get rid of.

Good luck!

Just occurred to me, I still only have two plates and one glass (honestly!). Really doesn't bother me. You can buy the basics on tesco.com etc. and they will deliver it cheap as chips.

Obviously I always have alcohol in the house, especially bourbon - got to get my priorities right. I was never allowed to drink spirits, so I really enjoy that with my one glass. I find it amazing what I put up with all those years. I'm at work now and I think my colleagues would be amazed to know as I'm seen as senior management here. It happens to the best of us.

Have done a poll in chat to see if anyone else does a similar school run

I have been at school all morning doing a family learning kind of session, was nice to see DS in the school environment.

at the bourbon - opposite situation here, he enjoys a drink and so do I but with a child who doens't sleep well I limit it a little more than I used to, but currently have a bottle of red and a bottle of ameretto on the counter which I am enjoying . Less plates and cups = less pots to wash! Genius.

Oh forgot to say I am on most bills, as I control all the bills and get them paid on time apart from the mortgage - from my benefits - they are all up to date except one - guess which one? Yup. The one bill he pays.

Can I just write to them all (e.g. water, gas, etc) and explain I have moved out on X date and now just him in house?

just call them all and do it by phone - if you can, get a meter reading for gas and electricity then just say you moved out on xx date. they can send final bill to you at new address. you can tell them the new resident is xxx. or they will just write to "the occupier"

dont forget tv licence too....

and post office to forward your mail.

ATA, if the school run is doable at all, I would go for the move. Being closer to your mum and family will be a great help and support and the amenities sound very nice (shops, park, etc.). You might even be able to get a lift from someone else going in the same direction to school and eliminate one or both of the buses? When you've shaken off the stress of living where you are now you'll find you can tackle the driving much easier too. You can start small and necessary with the furnishings and build up gradually. Just call the gas ans elec and all the other bills and close your accounts with them. Your H will have to sort out opening accounts in his name alone when you leave. You can tell him in a note .

check to see if there is a local group for you on www.netmums.com

There should be local mums to meet.

Also they have a notice board section where peo[le buy, sell, give stuff for free and where you can post what you want. This may be of some help to kit out new place to start with

Hi everyone,

I have arranged to view some houses - 5 on Friday and 1 on Monday! They are mainly terraced houses with small back yards not gardens but can't have everything and don't have to stay there. Wanted to do viewings wednesday and thhursday but couldn't get times that soon.

I never thought of a lift to school, I could ask around it wouldn't hurt. Can't ask til I have moved though. Am really worried about him finding out in some way before I'm ready to go and making it hard for me.

Am going to list which bills have my name on, their account reference numbers, and phone numbers so I can call them all on moving day. Some are just in my name, some just in his, and some joint names.

I asked DS the other day what his favourite thing about his house was and he said his toys so I think he will be ok. {fingers crossed}

Why do I feel so terrbile whilst I am plotting like this.

He is still kissing me hello and goodbye, and cuddling up to me in bed and I just feel like shouting "I'm leaving you!".

It is scary thinking of being on my own, and wondering who will still support me and who will side with him. I will no doubt be the villain of it all. I know I will cope ok with DS as I do it all now anyway, and manage money etc, it is more the emotional side of it. I know I have to do it but I am scared.

Is there someone physically who can help you move? Will your family help?

Just remember if you are changing bills etc and they need to give you ending details/phone you DO NOT give them your new address - give them a member of your family's address (with their permission of course). Otherwise your ex other half may be able to track you down this way by calling a utility. Same goes for school and local authority - either give them an address you are not really at or KNOWING 100% that they must not give these details to him. Same with any doctors details they have on you.

WA may have some sort of guide to this - all the things you can do to cover your tracks. Ask them?

Good luck with the viewings! What is the area called you are going to.

Just one thought - do you have a set amount of money the authority give you to rent a place? I just ask because when I spoke to shelterline they said the authority would probably only cover you for a 2 bed place and you are looking at houses (2 beds?) - so do they give you an amount rather then a type of property to look for?

When you feel guilty about leaving, just accept that feeling -- you don't have to do any thinking or second guessing about your feelings. And you don't have to act on them. You feel this way because you're a normal, good-hearted, empathetic person; even nicer than most, in fact, because you're still capable of seeing the nice side in your H despite what he's put you through. In other words, your feelings say more about the kind of person you are than about the kind of relationship you realistically have with the H.

I am writing my list of reasons I need to leave on here to remind me of them all.

• Critices me / puts me down. Emotionally critical in private but nice with me around others.
• Controlling. Everything his way, how he wants it. From washing up a certain way to music playing.
• Pressurises me. Financially, emotionally, sexually, wants house clean and tidy to his standards. Run around putting mine and DS's things away when he is due home.
• Lies. Denies things. Blames me. Says things happened that didn't, 'forgets' things, denies he has done things and if caught out puts all blame onto me.
• Has twice put photos of his c* online (once on a cottaging website as bicurious , next time on an amaetuer porn website as bi seeking...) blamed it all on me. Also found multiple phones in bag once, one had other pics of him on experimenting with... well wont go into to much detail but I knew nothing of them until I found them.
• Isolates me. Makes it hard to see family. Refuses lifts or controls drop off and pick up time and sulks at me inconveniencing him.
• Once went and had my hair done, he sat outside with 3 bored dcs instead of having a wander round the shops. If I paint my nails, draw, etc he questions why.
• Suspicious and untrustful - the irnoy
• Blocked my efforts to have lessons and pass driving test. Comandeered car my nana gave me. Is currently unsettled about me selling it even though he has one of his own, and is suggesting what I should do with the money.
• Often doesn't listen or respond to me or DS when we talk to him.
• Drinks too much.

Intimidates me by sulking, swearing, shouting, banging around the house.

• DS prefers daddy to be at work than at home.
• Calls me asking where I am, what I'm doing. Dislikes me MN'ing.
• If I voice an opinion not same as his he will say I am shouting or aggressive even though I know deep down I am talking quietly and calmly.

I am feeling impatient today and frustrated. Hoping to get out this afternoon for a chat if person doesn't flake on me.

Keep that list handy. It is a classic picture of abuse. xxxx

Person came through for me and I'm so glad they did, was so nice to get things off my chest with someone face to face and them be understanding and supportive. First person to go out of there way for me and make time to let my pour my heart out was not who I expected it to be, I wouldn't have dared hope they would react in such a supportive way (and that's without even knowing all the details). Wasn't my sister or closest friend - nice to know people may surprise me.

I feel really thankful that I have you all on MN, and a handful of trused people in RL that I can talk to. It really helps.

Hi Aboard - it is absolutely natural to feel guilty. You have loved this man, had his kids and shared so much with him before you realised that his treatment of you was not acceptable. You are a human with feelings for another, no matter how he treats you. I really dislike my H now but I still feel sorry for him beause without me and the kids he has very little - a job, a brother and a group he goes drinking with occassionally. He has no interests outside the house and no friends that he has made himself - just through his brother. But that is not my responsibility, its his. We need to do what is best for ourselves and our children. I must say though, I can't have him going anywhere near me. I can't share a bed with him - he's in the spare room. I cringe if he touches me. I've moved out and the relationship is over in my mind. So you are doing well to keep that up!

Hi fairyliquid, well done on making the break!

I just have the one DS(5) and two step sons (12 and 13) but have come to the conclusion it is doing DS no good living like this either - it will be better for both of us if I move out with him. As for the hugs and kisses, it takes every effort I have no to cringe outwardly I am just trying to keep him unaware of my plans and feelings and if I drastically stepped back from him he would ealse something was afoot. I hate it though and just want to scream every time. No sex going on though (there was very little going on anyway) as I can't bear the thought of it. I have lost all respect and attraction for him, lost it a long time ago. Every thing he has done has killed all that. I will feel sorry for him when I leave but that's all. It will be up to us each as individuals how we handle the seperation.

I have houses to view today - hope I find a nice one!

Good luck with the viewings - hope you find one you like.

Hi Abroad - The sex doesn't bear thinking about! We last did it last xmas and only because I was all out to prove something as I had found out his obssession with porn and voyeurism. I'm not sure I like celibacy as a general concept though! Another good reason to move on.

Good luck house hunting today!

How did the house viewings go - anything you were interested in?