Those of you who have LEFT an EMOTIONAL ABUSIVE relationship please come and tell me how you did it

[AboardtheAxiom]

as I am struggling to get my head around leaving.

I know at the end of the day I need to do this for myself and DS but am finding very hard as - well , here is my thread

If anyone on here has left please tell me about your journey and how you managed it.

the old me

sparklycheerymummy I remember your first post! So pleased for you that you left and are happy now, I have to be honest - reading your thread the first time I felt you weren't going to leave him, I am so pleased to be wrong. Glad for you and your DD that you are rid of him.

Did you really move into your new place with a deckchair and a blow up bed? Wow.

I can relate to you sorting out your DD's room, DS is five in 10 sleeps and he has a crazy amount of belongings - clothes, toys, etc. Is your DD regaining her confidence since you left? Sounds like you are having a bal together.

I am so pleased for you that you have made life better, I remember feeling so sad for you and your DD when I read your first post about him.

Am off to bed now but thank you for posting, you have made my evening.

I have been reading your thread today due to my own problems and I would like to say, you go girl!! You will be doing it for me and others who are going thru the same and reading and give us the courage to find our inner strength. hugs to you xx

i really did do it with a deckchair and blow up bed, no wardrobes and no dining table and bought everything i needed for £500. It took a while even then to get him to leave us alone, it didnt happen over night but i had MY Own SPACE!!! My dd is fab, i have a fab happy confident daughter who is doing well at school and no longer has accidents. I have met a fab man who takes such good care if me and my dd and we are expecting a baby in 8 weeks time. I have my moments of the grumps but my new fella never plays mind games, or shouts or scares or is aggressive. you can do it ladies and it is so empowering, my friends came out of the woodwork to be there for me and after some CBT i got my future clearer in my head so it never ever happens again!

today

Ilovechristmas - not familiar with your situation, but I found I had a quiet moment of realisation, and then started mustering up some energy to start putting things in place. I feel very up and down at the moment with it all, and just wish I could fast forward my life a little!

sparklycheerymummy - congratulations on your pregnancy, sounds like you are more confident in your new relationship too your newman sounds lovely.

Morning Aboard

Just a chin up message for you.

Up and down is fine, baby steps lovely lady.
xMad

is sorry if appears to be stalking you just want you to know there are lots of postive vibes in out there for you

Thanks for checking in on me, was relieved to see somebody had posted TBH

Apparently my bond scheme being paid for or not will be decided in a meeting today, so fingers crossed. Can't believe I have my fingers crossed for this house. It is a bit of a hovel compared to my current house, but will be mine if I get it! I will be able to decide on wall colours and furnishings, and not have my CDs or housekeeping critised. Or feel mine and DS's belongings lying around are an inconvenience.

Get those fingers crossed ladies!!

hehe, I've lived in some lush places myself!

Thankfully I moved back to my parents village soon after my ex and I split and after living with M&D for about 18months I finally managed to buy in the village (houses like hens teeth round here)

We all managed to get on pretty well (considering I first left home 20 years before and came back with a very active toddler) but I've been in my lovely cottage for about a year now and I do love the feeling of having my front door.

xMad

Hi aboard, am just in process of doing this myself, and only have limited internet access but will post properly asap.

What I can say is that the feeling of relief I already have at saying "enough" is overwhelming. The support I've had has been incredible, from all sorts of unexpected sources. Don't feel ashamed of telling people what's really been happening, they will surprise you by being understanding, and may have suspected without you ever knowing.

I will also miss his family, but have strong enough relationships with them that we will stay in touch without H's involvement. I've spoken to a few of them to explain it, H can speak to the others. I've saved the real detail for my own family who were understandably horrified.

Be strong, I'll check back on this as soon as I can.

ATA

I am keeping my fingers crossed (fingers crossed emoticon) for you re the bond scheme decision.

fingers crossed x

Havent posted my sitution but was looking for 'inspiration' shall we say!! I have a feeling you will be in a happier place soon- you are one very strong lady! Ref DS with AS; my son has this too; prepare him gradually if you can, you dont have to tell him everything, but prepare him for a change and when you have a new home, make his room very similar - it may help. x

You ok hun? Whats up?

I got a call from the guy at housing yesterday, and they are not paying the bond for me as apparently it is too close to current house. (It is as far away as I can get to still be in walking distance of DS's school). Guy was really patronising (I'm sure they think everyone going into housing office is stupid) said what about XRoad area? I explained this is two buses to school and back taking x time and y money a week (I would be getting 8 busses a day), he said well there are other primary schools. GRRR they just don't get it. DS would be totally thrown by changing schools, he has been at this one over a year and is still finding his feet. The teachers, children and parents like and understand him too. He also said I'm unlikely to get a council house (had bid on one) as I am not officially homeless so others in higher need. I am never gonna get out of here am I.

I think yesterday was the shittiest birthday ever. I didn't get a 'mummy' card, one of my sisters and two of his didn't bother with a card, 'friend' whose Bday it is today didn't bother. I also had DS at home all day asking why we weren't decorating the house for my big party and my friends coming round (like kids have on their birthdays) so spent all day reiterating to him that mummy wouldn't be having friends round, or having a party. Made the best of it by getting DS to make me a card, and we bought a little choc cake. Didn't want DP to know was upset about the card but ended up bloody crying and telling him I was upset about it, so then he cried too so that I ended up saying it doesn't matter we made one. I hate my life. I have never been as unhappy as I am right now and it's a good job I have DS TBH.

Oh and I feel rubbish again - bloody germs.

Oh love that sounds rubbish. And I'm very sorry the guy at the housing was such an arse. If you went to a refuge, you would be homeless as far as I can tell.

OK, think about it this way. Next time you apply for a bond for a house, you now know what sort of stuff they base their decisions on. Consider asking the school to write a statement supporting your need to keep DS at the same school.

Have a chat with your GP as they are often happy to write supporting letters, as are WA workers. I used to work in mental health and we wrote this sort of stuff all the time - it's part of the job, you're not asking them to do something out of the ordinary here.

You will get this sorted, really you will. I had periods like these as well where it seems overwhelming and everything is going against you. I went from having a place at an over-subscribed school and wrap around care in place including babysitting for nights out to putting DD into one of the worst schools in the city. But the school has turned around it and she loves it (I contribute to the social mix by being one of the few who works and has her own front teeth, classy place) and have a lovely childminder, after school club, breakfast club abd offers of babysitting. It takes persistence and, as you know, small steps. I saw you post on another thread about this, so you know what needs doing!

Oh, and birthdays suck. I'm 40 in 6 weeks time and will spend the day in Manchester for work and then childcare. It's still all worth it though.

What is the size of bond that you need to find? Can someone explain to me how it works?

He also said I'm unlikely to get a council house (had bid on one) as I am not officially homeless so others in higher need. I am never gonna get out of here am I."

Can you talk to WA about this issue? They must need to advise on it all the time - do you literaly have to have no roof over your head to get a council house?

Oh lovely, what a pooey day. it's no consolation but set your celebration for the day you do leave.

Didn't you say your DS had special needs? If that's the case definately talk to your GP and I seem to think you're off work poorly. Lovely you're going to have to play EVERY single card you have and do NOT feel bad about it, the reason other people are above you on the list is because they have played all their cards too that's what the system is based on. I know on housing they work on a points system and letters from GP, School etc will really help. What support workers do you have for DS?

Arf at QOD contributing to the social mix - what an excellent way to intorduce the concept of diversity...look children here is a lady with NO gaps on her gums....see we're all different but all special...

Keep posting ATA - we'll keep coming up with ideas for you..
Hugs
xMad

Agree with QueenofD -- don't pull your punches. I think going to a shelter might be considered homeless; it's not rented or owned, it's an emergency roof and four walls. You left the previous roof and four walls with nowhere else to go... (Making shelter sound bleak, but it's far more in terms of your freedom)

I haven't read the whole thread so forgive me if someone else replied regarding this. It is perfectly normal for an letting agency to ask you to pay a fee when you apply. (I work in an agency). This covers credit checking. Then there is usually a fee when you move in as well. This covers the deposit registration, however even if you have a bond from the council (or other agency) they will still charge it.

It isn't dodgy, just normal sadly. However, there is a BIG difference between agencies. Where I work we charge £60, however another local agency charges £250!!!

I think you are a fab woman, in a similar situation myself now and the first step is the hardest. You go girl!

ATA

Just wondered how you're doing now?

Thinking of you
xMad

Hi everyone sorry I haven't been back on for a while, I have been so down. When I am posting on here my crappy situation is real - and the last few days I have been trying to pretend it isn't as I can't deal with reality of my life right now.

QoDenial - the school head teacher had already written a letter for me supporting his need's to stay at his current primary school. WA said they can write a supporting letter about staying in same area for me (as I was asked to get friends or family to write one and I explained to housing doing this would put me at risk). Don't know if they did or not actually. WA lady was also meant to call me after housing meeting decision and not heard from her.

stressed - for private rents you usually need a months rent say 400, a security bond (usually about the same amount as month's rent), and an admin fee, these range in my area from £100 - £175. I would be looking at needing to find around £900. My sister has always rented and confirmed this is about right, they had to find £1100 last year to move into their house (and their landlord has just put it up for sale).

Council has 'bands' of need for those applying for proerties, the most urgent band is medical needs (A), then homeless (B), then the band I am in which covers overcrowded / shared facilities / and so on (band C).

Mad - DS has HFA (high functioning autism) and is currently in the assessment process, so no DX officially on paper yet - though have had verbal dx from paediatrician and SALT who specialises in ASD. He/we have no support workers. My GP is clueless and hadn't even heard of the autism panel, I had to give her the details, nor had she heard of pushchairs available from wheelchair services so not sure she would be that helpful.

It seems like I have to push my weight about for everything me and DS need, and I don't have the energy. I also have an issue with DS and school, which am going to start another thread about I think to get people's opinions.

math - I am even more reluctant to go into the refuge now as I know council won't fund me a bond within walking distance of DS's school, and council houses popping up in the area are really rare. So would be in same situation I am in now more or less, but up a band in housing needs with no where to go to. Also TBH, WA do not seem overly fussed about my situation, there have been several occasions now I haven't had a call back from them despie them having my number and when it is safe to call.

I know I sound 'oh poor me' but I am totally despondent right now. I feel like I am stuck here forever.

I just don't know what I can do. I feel like I am up against a brick wall.

ATA, still here, sorry I haven't posted sooner as it sounds like it's getting to you. My head has been in a funny place and I don't think I would have been much help, full on Stockholm Syndrome stuff.

I've just read this thread from the start and it's reminded me why it's drawn me in. You and many of the rest of us are/have been in truly horrible relationships. None of us deserve to have been treated the way we have and it is hard to get out of. But throughout this you have not wavered in knowing what you need to do.

I might be speaking out of turn, but I just don't think WA are doing enough to help you. This seems contrary to mine and every other experience I've heard of, so I don't know if you've just been unlucky and need to get a different support worker or if they don't fully understand the awfulness of your situation.

There will be a way of getting a new house sorted and, exhausting as it is, I think you need to go back to WA and the housing. Get in touch with them at least twice a week, so that you stay on their radar. Also use the WA helpline to give you some of the emotional support you so desperately need - you can phone them ten times a day and it's cool. I spoke to them a lot as I was completely trapped in a rural location and they were always brilliant.

On another note, I just don't know that much about kids with special needs. Have you posted on the special needs section here as to how you can best support your son whilst you get out?

BTW, whilst rereading the thread, I did think I'd like a night down the pub with you some time. You sound like excellent company despite all the current grimness.