Those of you who have LEFT an EMOTIONAL ABUSIVE relationship please come and tell me how you did it

[AboardtheAxiom]

as I am struggling to get my head around leaving.

I know at the end of the day I need to do this for myself and DS but am finding very hard as - well , here is my thread

If anyone on here has left please tell me about your journey and how you managed it.

Hi everyone,
I went to the women's aid building today and met the lady I have spoken to on the phone in person to fill in a community care grant form.

I also went to the estate agents and picked up an application form and the info for the housing office, which I took into them and I put a bid in on the council house I had seen.

Felt more positive today, and was pleased I went into WA (I almost chickened out). I couldn't imagine doing it all so I told myself I was just doing one thing, then told myself I could do one more thing, and so on. Worked out well that way.

Good for you and well done with the little steps one after another.

Thanks

Gonna head to bed soon and take DS with me (He is out back playing darts with a friend.

Women's aid building wasn't what I expected, was nice and modern with garden full of kids toys. I now feel if I had to I wouldn't hesitate to call them. The lady said when I move out they have a support worker who can visit me and help me access further support and courses which was good to know about, helps me feel I will be less 'on my own' when I leave.

any one around?

I'm here -- everything ok?

Blimey Mathanxiety 3am!

I'm okay I guess, feeling sad, and guilty, and wobbly. Seems a bit more real I think as estate agents are classing the private rented house as 'under offer' for me and not booking any other viewings.

It's my birthday on Tuesday and I have already had a lovely thoughtful gift from someone (who buys me something nice every year) and some flowers from my mum, and partner has done his usual half hearted last minute gift buying (some years I have told him a specific item, or been given the money to buy some clothes).

Just feeling a bit down at mo I guess.

Also realising I will be leaving not only him and house, but most of social life as it tends to revolve around his family, extended family and friends. We go on nights out, and regular camping parties and things that I will not do once I leave.

Yes, there will be some things that you can genuinely regret leaving behind you, but in the big scheme of things, maybe you'll manage to go camping again? Maybe you'll find yourself making new friends and enjoying the odd night out? There's a certain amount of tradeoff -- think of what you and your DS will have, something you don't have now, the freedom to call your life your own.

When you say your social life revolves around his family, his friends (him, in other words) it shows an aspect of his behaviour that is not OK -- isolating you and keeping you from developing a separate circle of pals is another way of keeping you under his thumb.

Hi AboardtheAxiom

I'd wondered how you were doing, I've not been around for a few days.

You know why you got wobbly right? It was because you were thinking about all the tomorrows, you need to concentrate on each step at a time.

I had to lay plans over a period of a months to leave my ex (long story - we were in another country and I had to get me and DS home first) I very nearly gave up all my plans to leave my ex at one point when I thought about 'the future' I just couldn't see how I could manage with all the stuff that had to be done.

(By the way, within 1 month of finally leaving, that stopped and my life started to become much more joyfilled)

I had it on a few occasions but and I know it is a massive feeling of panic. Breath slowly and remember to take just one step at a time.

You're being incredibly strong, you've taken a huge step look at what you're acheiving so far rather than what is left to be done.

You will get there,
HUgs
xMad

Thanks for these replies, my sister is still being a bit distant so this thread is my main source of support ATM.

It is true that social circle all being his family and friends is quite telling, hadn't thought about it that way. Still sad as I do now class some of them as my friends too, they are in general a really lovely bunch and I will miss spending time with them. Maybe when I am living alone with just DS I can spend more time with my family (altough there isn't much of them, and we have issues). I definately will have to focus on building some friendships and life for myself as don't really have that right now.

How did you all deal with communicating to them that it was over? When you left did you leave a note? I know I can't tell him beforehand as he will put doubts in my mind and guilt which will stop me leaving (but still feel bad about it) . How did they all take it? I know he will go for pity from everyone, and I will be the bad 'un in a little tatty house (it's going to be hard to get through those first few weeks) waiting for community care grant and IS to come through.

Madascheese reminds me of how overwhelmed I would get when I thought about the future. I tried to leave twice before I actually did and our relationship was over years ago. But he had me believing that I really couldn't cope and would be all on my own. And my social circle really shrank to people that were connected to him. It's the classic behaviour.

I was amazed that within 48 hours of leaving, I had clarity in my brain and could start house hunting and thinking of schools.

When I left, I did it during a day I knew he would be out. I left a note that said basically I've gone, it's over, can't live with your controlling and abusive behaviour and you'll hear from my solicitor. Previously he had talked me out of leaving and I wasn't prepared to have that happen again, so didn't waste my time trying to explain it to him.

Hi, not heard back from Women's aid or housing today who were both meant to call me back.

I feel so anxious and stressed and tired.

If I don't get this private rented, or the council house, I will be waiting even longer and the waiting is not helping TBH.

Can you give WA a call? I think they are sometimes swamped. Until the housing market gets going again, there will be quite a few rentals available on an ongoing basis in most areas, so no panicking, right?

When you leave, a note that says you have left and will not be returning, wishing him well in the future would be fine. Also telling him that future communication will be through your solicitor. Don't put anything in the note that would make him think that there is anything left to talk about or that your letter is meant to be the start of some sort of conversation. He will jump at any chance to continue to manipulate you. He knows why you are leaving. There's no need to rehash the story of your relationship or seem to be trying to justify your decision (which is how references to your misery with him will come across).

Call WA, if you have the chance to do so. Take control of this small thing and you'll be amazed what it does for you.

In the meantime, think about the content of your note, plan, focus, prepare yourself. If you can make sure you've got copies of bank documents/birth certificates stuff like that, doing small tasks will help you feel organised and prepared - but don't worry if you can't you can get duplicates. Your note? Definately keep it short, I've gone, it's over. Everything will be through solicitors etc. Be Assertive, You do NOT have to apologise to anyone for this.

Take it one step at a time, don't worry about next year or next week, just take each step. You will feel so different so quickly that anything you think about now will be coloured by your current situation and once you have taken the control back you will feel so much better.

Take care of yourself

xMad

Do you think I will need a solicitor? {naiive emotion} Do you mean for access arrangements?

I called and tried to get through to housing office this morning and was told they would call me back, and also WA, called them and was told I would be called back. DS is off school so I am having to be a bit more cautious. He has an excellent memory, sometimes you think he isn't listening to something but will then later on recall the conversation word for word. Usually impressive but would notbe impressive if he recounted my talking to housing officer or lady at women's aid to his dad. I used Cbeebies while I called this morning.

Yes I guess other houses will come up, I just hate feeling in limbo like this having to pretend we are fine kissing him and making chit chat while I am looking at houses and visiting women's aid.

Oh Lovey you are being so strong and yay for cbeebies sounds a bit like my DS tbh.

Try not to worry, I know it must feel hellish for you have worked so hard to get to the decision.

regarding a solicitor, you may need one for access arrangements of course you may not and you may not want to feel like you're flouncing out yelling 'speak to my solicitor' - another way to do it would be to say 'contact me via email' that gives you an element of control as well because you can take the time you need to respond and you don't have to feel pressured, then once you're out you'll be able to judge if you need a solicitor or not (but lovey, I think it possible you might need some advice)

Big hugs, I feel for you I really do but you are quite clearly an extremely strong lady and you are doing so well with this.

Take care
xMad

I don't feel strong. I feel like I am wavering all the time. Feels today like I called people and they didn't respond, as though I am banging on doors and being turned away. I feel like I only have a certain amount of energy and I am hoping it's enough but ondays like today I wonder.

Can't do email as he won't have computer access after I leave. Laptop is mine after his internet escapades he now just goes on mine just to check his emails and ebay. Solicitor - he will not have money for solicitors (he really won't), am hoping, perhaps naiively that we won't need them.

I want to thank you all on here for your support with this I feel so alone at them moment, knowing people on here are rooting for me means so much.

Hey Lady - you're taking your laptop, he can go to the bloody library if he wants to send you an email. Don't take responsibility for him, let him work it out himself, or he can write you a letter and post it.

You are doing incredibly well, you WILL have the reserves for this and you are nearly through this section of it.

We are all rooting for you, and here for you.

Check your position for legal aid and stop worry about what he can afford.

(Don't mean to sound stroppy if I do, just men like your ex make me v cross because of what they do to us!)
Hugs
XMad

I am trying not to worry about how he will manage, he is a grown man after all! He will just manage to pay bills and food IMO if he keeps on top of his money and bills. The ball will be in his court there - it is up to him whether he does or not and I will know and be happy to tell people all bills were up to date on my leaving.

Oh don't worry I will definately be taking laptop - only just started paying for the thing (plus it is usually glued to me!).

Think DS not being on top form has made me feel down. It's bad enough changing pooey pants several times a day every day without them being D+V pants. Yuk. Sorry if TMI.

I am trying not to worry about how he will manage, he is a grown man after all! He will just manage to pay bills and food IMO if he keeps on top of his money and bills. The ball will be in his court there - it is up to him whether he does or not and I will know and be happy to tell people all bills were up to date on my leaving.

Oh don't worry I will definately be taking laptop - only just started paying for the thing (plus it is usually glued to me!).

Think DS not being on top form has made me feel down. It's bad enough changing pooey pants several times a day every day without them being D+V pants. Yuk. Sorry if TMI.

I would go and investigate legal aid for yourself -- the H can do this himself too. (One more thing for you to do ) You might be surprised by your H's ability to dress himself and keep himself fed, and find his way to e-mail access. The idea of keeping communication at arms length is really good because it gives you the chance to reply in your own good time, and also keeps a record of anything hostile he says. Try to stay hopeful, and healthy too. Does DS have a stomach flu?

Your poor DS! The thing I hate most is D&V and am eternally thankfully that my DS seems to have the constitution of an ox and very rarely gets a tummy bug! (I have enough trouble with exploding nappies at nighttime so we'd be moving home to my Mummy the Nurse for a D&V bug I'm afraid )

Excellent news about the laptop, mines a lifeline for me as well - in fact it was lovely ladies from another Mums board who supported me when I needed to leave and it was sooo helpful because they weren't people I needed to see every day if you know what I mean. Some of them I have to tell you are now my best friends in R/L - don't mean to scare you but you might well end up stuck with some people [hmmm]

xMad

Sorry love, but from what I know of your situation and the way he makes you feel, you will need a solicitor. If you're not working you'll get legal aid.

Have a look at www.rightsofwomen.org.uk. THe information sheets are worth a look.

Yes DS has a tummy bug (doing the rounds at school), am having to apply sudocrem like a baby as his bottom is red raw and he is very sad and tired poor thing.

Will look at that link QoD thanks

Mad - If I end up stuck with you lot I am sure I could find much worse company

Math - pretty sure I would get legal aid as am not working (unfortunately - and not for long hopefully)

I cant work out how to put in a link but if you search for this...my partner smacked my dd by major mug and my story is there..... will find my further success threads..... if anyone can link them for me please do!!

my happy ending under the name shinyhappymummy...... and am now sparklycheerymummy!!!!